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Thursday, 29 April 2010

I gotta be quick here...but just an update to say I am alive and well....I patched things with someone. He loves me really I know it, he isn't a liar...it is just a fucked up situation at present. I am exhausted and have let a few things slide...when he did come back he slept for nearly two days at my place. I wish I had the means to binge like that, or at least get my goods to pay for themself...it is this that is getting to me. It is because of this work that I feel things have been hard...but....I say to stop, that I want out...all I wish is that he'd make it easier not harder for me while it must be...everything has gone wrong lately to make that job fuck up and I still have not managed to get down the computer shop, wreck I am. I will try my best to do all that tomorrow....I was actually feeling more positive yesterday as he was in a happier mood, and of course I am an emotional sponge. I can't be long as I am truly exhausted and need some sleep, and sadly I have to earn....again....after getting myself in debt.....sad that a rest and an ok couple of days end with me fretting like this again....so it may be the streets for me again tonight.

Meanwhile I am sick to death of people assuming I am thick, a sex object etc. I normally don't give a fuck but I have been lately, which does not make this shit easy. Please pray someone has time to comfort me while this must last....and pray it does not last....long.

Monday, 26 April 2010

Still Alive...(But not yet Free)

A Norweigan musician (not wonderful guitar playing or anything but ok themes) wrote a song entitled 'cocaine' with the lyrics 'I'm alive but I'm not free...and my conscience is killing me....'. I know what that means.

To let everyone know...I haven't written for a couple of days because the lead for my laptop (which I only fucking replaced a few weeks ago) broke the other night, along with other electrical equipment lately. This has resulted in a loss of potential income ( I could not set my availability on that rotten sleazy little site, I am now writing from a cybercafe...) I took the lead back to the shop, whoever sold it to me had gone home (by the time I managed to get myself out of bed after a rotten weekend, depressed as hell today, nothing achieved). I got into a dispute because whoever it was said he needed a receipt...like hell do they. If I buy something and it is faulty they give me a refund or exchange, I believe that is the damned law....I am not having anyone else bleed me..all this always come down to is money, money...where is the human face of a capitalist world? Nowhere in my life at present...maybe some bleeding heart lib should write a patronising book entitled capitalism with a human face or something like....not that I am political these days or a fan of any 'ism'...all politics are shit end of day. I just get disheartened the way money rules everything...including my personal relationships. Perhaps what I do for a living is the microism of what a capitalist society entails...the purchase of fake affection etc. Coldness. But sadly....I am more aware of this because...it seems the men in my life who I do actually want....

I told him......this job drives me mad. He said 'it brings money in though' with a shrug and I said, you jerk is money worth the sacrifice of my mental emotional health, the love and respect of a man who once said he loved me meant the world to me and still does......how can the greed for money overcome a man so much to the extent he can sacrifice a woman he once claimed to love and says he still cares for....

I had one hell of a weekend....I would not have gone home with him had it not been for me being scared of his psychopathic buddy he had fallen out with...because I am capital in the eyes of some men he knows, a potential loss of income, property etc.....so why would his psycho sick little mate not decide to get at him through me, especially as money is the issue? My man decided to go home from mine, after he had slept in bed all day (after taking things out on me like that......I told him today when he has been more reasonable about the danger of associating with violent psychos...not the first time I have told him...and he agreed wholeheartedly I was right, he cannot always control his little thugs, one day the 'Snow King's' subjects may revolt...and the macho all brawn no brain thugs..sure are...revolting to say the least). I don't want the pair of us to die an untimely death bleeding in some gutter....at the hands of deranged loons. He brought this jerk into my home, other things resulted from the fact I befriended this man's girlfriend....it just makes me ill, all of it....To put himself at risk is one thing....to put me, the woman who has done nothing but love him...is another. I told him this, he felt too guilty and depressed to really consider or open his eyes (as usual) but he still had the cheek to ask me about money.....now don't get me wrong I feel for the man in all he is going through, I know he is not well is mentally ill and disturbed and all...but when will he spare me some compassion?I pleaded with him yesterday, grovelled, humiliated myself told him please I am going through hell due to the work you encouraged me to do for out mutual gain...I want to stop please help me stop, help me out of the bed you helped me make...I am not blaming it all on you, just....you helped me make it is all.

No mercy. All his issues were dumped on me, I have been ill all day due to absorbing them like the emotional sponge I am absorbing the negativity of others as much as the positive, especially if they mean something to me.....like he does and he knows it. Therefore why must he play on it, gain from it how he does...I wonder where is his heart, why must he sacrifice a woman he once (at least) loved or claimed to on the altar of his greed and desperation.....he doesn't know how he hurt me, insulting me for what I do for a living, as I had a bruise on my leg he accused me of shooting up. I was begging with him for some comfort, affection, debased myself like I never have done before, shame on me for letting him do this..... he at first blamed his low sex drive on the fact he no longer finds me attractive look at the wreck I am and he'd rather jerk off.......Then he accused of shooting up cos I had a bruise and said perhaps he values his life, I already hang with people who shoot up...perhaps he does not want me giving him a disease as face it I already shag men for money and I am an 'Iv drug user' besides a prostitute...I just broke down saying I do not shoot up, he knows it I do not lie....why must he be so distrustful? If he truly is this paranoid distrusting a woman who has done nothing but love him......he needs to get a grip...I have already been ill.......to accuse me of all of that...and then blaming it on my work, the work which I did to help us both out which he has made me loathe so because it seems to have turned a man who was once a kind and loving boyfriend into a....I need not say the word.

But to accuse me of doing this I don't do... not only shagging his mates or wanting to do so behind his back, now shooting up.....being dishonest with money, all the things he accuses me of...the man aint well I know that...but he doesn't have to project this on me. He doesn't have to make me plead, beg for mercy, all this has got so sick.....I would not have gone home with him, I know him by now I could see the mood he was in...I was just afraid of his thug who he fell out with showing up and taking things out on his property.......it is under control now but that was uncertain the other night...so I went home with my man to feel safe..and got abuse...he swallowed three valium left me with just one...he slept sound while I woke i bits, did some writing so then to occupy myself cleaned his lounge as well as the kitchen..which he said was the agreement for him letting me stay over...I was greeted that morning by the man who had slept all the previous day in my bed while I took strangers into my lounge for his benefit as much as mine...not by a kiss but by get up you lazy bitch tidy my room you are lazy this is why you never go anywhere in your miserable life...to which I responded abuse does not help me ok I know my faults....he replied that of course but then he had 'tried to help me' he had done me a favour by going out with me in the first place.....this is not the first time he said that but plenty...to which I replied how has that helped me look at me....he replied so fucking what I was a nervous wreck when I met him still am...I said I wanted a man as an equal who I thought truly liked me, not because he thought himself doing me a favour, helping me by some act of mercy going out with me....if that was his attitude I'd have done better without his 'help', so spare me such help I want an equal goddam! His example of trying to help me was encourage me to do my writing...I need no encouragement..ok so he had this ghost writing idea, a life story or several of his mates...and it came to nothing anyway! So...what? I have written before...and I pointed I still am I have this blog to which he sneered what is productive about my 'stupid coke tart blog'....hey hey..what makes him assume what his crim mates have to say to be more importance or of worth than my story and stories, he aint even read all or most of this blog....I said people are interested, some people do follow this...he had nothing left to say, save from when I fell asleep, he likes me better that way as I shut up, awake I do 'his head in' by 'going on, and nagging him to death'...just for expressing the fact that he hurts me, his endless put downs hurt me, his words hurt me.....and then it turns physical, he kept saying if I did not shut the hell up he would shut me up through force.....

This is the only place I have, I am sorry hon. You don't like me talking to anyone, you know I have few friends left....I love you to bits but I can't take this forever, you were maybe right in distancing yourself..perhaps better to be alone and cold than tolerate this level of abuse. Sisters, if there is a man in your life...don't be a sex worker. It will put you at risk from abuse, it is possible to turn any man, however loving he can be...into a brutal p***p. Especially if he has streaks of misogyny and greed, as I knew my man did. I was a fool for agreeing to this work...nay, suggesting it even, he did not force me....stupid me wanting easy money. I shoulda known....it would bring this out in him. Men do have trouble dealing with what I have done for living, even the kindest men. And my man is a good sort really I swear...he is just emotionally immature with greed, mental health issues addiction etc....to sum it up he is a disturbed man and I feel for him, but I have to feel for myself as well at the end of the day, however much I understand him.

I told him that today, that I will not pay ANY price for having a man around. If he associates with violent psychos it is his problem, I warned him against it, pleaded with him not to have anything to do with the jerk who tried threatened to stab him.....please I said. He knows that now, he seemed to understand....as I had texted said I had seriously thought of going away for a little while...and I had. My patience won't last forever, however long suffering I may be....I have been reduced low enough, it took all my strength to pull myself together to do what I had to do today...so spare me. I am as ill as him....I don't use him as a punchbag. Please may he stop taking it out on me...and as I said maybe his withdrawing himself when he feels in a bad state....was showing me kindness. I have now seen the man at what I believe was his worse.....and it hurt me. I let him know that...I just wish it had stopped him from asking me about money....it didn't. Don't let greed take his soul, please. I know he is hard up...but so I am I. He has no idea what I go through to get that money for his cold little pimp heart...and ok he may not directly ask for a cut but he still benefits...help me stop the work that has killed your love for me then, or seemed to. Love is more important to me, love, friendship, affection respect etc. Don't do this to me...one minute say to stop (without support or help to get back on my feet) then the next say to me to go on, and offer me to 'help' my situation....to help me get more work to obtain more money so you will gain, please man sort it out....

Meanwhile I must shoot off soon been here long enough damn my computer! All goes wrong at once and I need to earn....again, I have put off too long......but it is hard for me now. I see what it has done to my life, it is not the work but what is does to my personal life...I never used to hate being a sex worker at first...and on a good week or after a good day...he seems to lighten as well. He only gets like this when nobody is gaining enough...sad I am reduced to paying a man for his affection, warm spirits...but it seems that is all that moves him these days, just sad to feel I have become nothing more than this to him, a money object....and I have let myself become so. Hence the shame I feel, a shame which he is only too prone to encourage...

I shall catch up tomorrow when I can...this post was intended to let you know I am still alive...and I have gone on longer than I intended. You can imagine this will not make him happy...but I am tired of accused of being selfish, never thinking enough of him...when the truth is he occupies my mind all the time......but I cannot win...if I tell him this I am being selfish still and not showing him true compassion because I am thinking of my own needs (I.e wanting him around for affection, company, sex whatever) but not of his genuine ones...I am not being enough of martyr......failing the test. I seriously thought of going away today....to a place where nobody knows where. I texted him to say this, that it was getting so hard, I was agonising what to do etc....cannot believe he still asked me how I did last night re money (it had been shit) but that is how he can be....I am aware. It just breaks my heart when I think of the times when he was not like this....but I have come to the point where I know there is only so much I can take.....and that I have my limits. Perhaps if it does come to that point...perhaps then he may remember. The tragedy is it may be too late then.

Sorry for rambling...will catch up on your blogs tomorrow. And write more of my own, hope I get my stupid pc lead fixed in that stupid shop.....

Wish me luck tonight, catch up soon. I still feel ill.....of course I feel for him, what a nightmare to have your man ring you to hear some mad man in the background threaten to kill him, while he has a weapon, to hear his voice shake in fear while I heard his sicko mate say he'd a kill him, a long sharp blade there....for a dispute over money. Is it any wonder I am a nervous wreck....and I had this man terrorise me before, when I put up his girlfriend as I felt for her. I saw him pull a knife on her, and he threatened me. My man was so deluded he apologised for this psycho then...convinced me or tried to that this jerk had a heart, was a nice man just fucked up etc......you might say that this sounds familiar, perhaps the excuses he makes for his pals (til they turn on him)...on the other hand I like to think I know him better to know he does still have a heart....unlike his former friend and associate who I knew was bad news....I could've done without what happened this weekend, being hit as I was (my face still being sore) and being threatened to be hit again, him saying to me that I and his psycho mate are the same...because we both like cocaine? Give me a fucking break...like Hitler was vegetarian etc, guilt by association....and my bloody man does not like cocaine? He uses more of it than me, when we met I was shocked by the size of his habit....spare me hon. Not all are out to stitch you...yet you trusted that sick man more than you did me. Is it because he is a man? Is your misogyny that deep? I know you are oh so more willing to make allowances for men than women, your harshness on the 'weaker sex' I've heard so much...but I don'r deserve it all, all this projection dumping of your issues. If I must earn how I do make it easier not harder....spare me....please.

Catch up you guys tomorrow, thx for your support in reading, it does keep me going xxxx

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Tonite

A few points...I looked back at some of my last few posts and will delete a few of them...they make me cringe.

Meanwhile I have a plan. I will earn in the week only or Sunday eve to Thurs, keep the weekends free or give myself a night in the pub on Wednesdays. I did this shit in the beginning because I like to be a social person, if I wished to be a self pitying retreat I'd get some bags of smack and just gouch over a book every night, has been the case in some stages of my life, but not now. That shit put me through hell too, and I never even quite saw heaven with it....at least I can say the good times with this have been worth a bit of darkness....I shall stop complaining about problems that result from drug use, get my act together and stop wallowing in depression and despair.....I just hate loneliness is all. I wish somebody would not deny their was anything mutual about this....a bit like a guy who leaves someone traumatised after a mutual decision for her to have an abortion and says it was 'her choice'. Prolonging this pain for a few extra nights smashed each week aint worth it....I'll have to grin and bear it, then reward myself while keeping some money aside so as to get the hell out of this job as soon as. It hasn't worked. Perhaps if I had been alone, with no attachment to anyone, if a shag to me always felt cold, empty...but it hasn't.

Had I knew this would be the result....I would not have consented to it. Perhaps I should have saw it as a possibility...but it perhaps was not a rational decision, it was a dumb one due to wanting quick money for drugs. I could have more money, more drugs even had I not been an idiot to do that. And please nobody say I am the only idiot, the only 'low life', 'scumbag'....and a sore face on top.

Somebody nearly got stabbed last night by one of his psycho buddies...this guy knows where I live, he has been here.....fortunately I am not alone here at present and I don't want to be...they don't know I am writing this though.....ok so nearly being stabbed by a madman...but I told him that guy was bad news, he would not listen...more to the point I keep saying avoid violent madmen full stop....

Save for being called names I got a punch in the face (from a man who is rarely violent himself), shows what hanging out with those guys does.......verbally he can be a nightmare but only rarely can be physical, today was one of only a couple of incidents......if I want the man to stick around I must be careful what I say...but how careful must I be? To the extent of denying I have feelings so as to focus on his, give him sympathy while it seems he has none for me....if he wants to use this computer this and some of the other posts will be deleted...I don't want to upset him. Please wish me luck tonight....feeling so low that I am thankful anyone around now....and hating the fact that I am starting to look like a caricature, a stereotype, normally my nose only bleeds from what I put up it....I don't want to analyse, make excuses. He hit me, he was wrong, and yes to take it out on me was a cowardly thing to do..but then to be terrorised by some weapon wielding 6ft pyscho.....can't be so great either. It's over....I just hope he has the sense not to see that madman again, cos if this continues the rotten pair of us could come to untimely ends...even at the hands of seperate individuals. He has to learn as much as I've learnt...

Friday, 23 April 2010

Despair...

Hatred...I should not be grovelling. I put that guy off til....midday tomorrow. I can't face it, really, maybe I should get someone pick me up cos of course there is no work...look at me pls it is harder each day...him tell me 'get out of it' like he had nothing to do with the idea..... fuck it I am in bits....and I got nothing tonight cos I couldn't get it, not face it.....

I would not have suggested or agreed to this had I known...I stopped the video chat thing partly because he lived with me at the time and it was 'doing his head in' like this now 'does his head in'..........well, the agreement was I would see nobody alone here he'd be here...the agreement was not I would risk my life strangers here alone...I'd not have done....he has to see, he can't leave me alone in this hell he helped me create....and then makes me emotionally dependent, clingy etc begging to take the pain away....

No, had it not fucked up with a break in things tonight...I would have fucking coped had he been less mean spirited how many times have I helped him fuck it.....good God. This has all gone wrong why I never been the same since that incident the other week...perhaps it exposed something. I can bear the coldness no more...god save me. May someone have mercy, please, please......I can take this no more.

Jerks....

Well, thanks to the pitilessness of men I aint fucking earnt. This sleazebag came earlier and he had asked me twice on the phone my prices....I told him both times. He turned up......asked me again the prices...I told him a third time i.e care to pay? He said could he look I said if he paid me then we could relax...I give nothing for free. He then said oh I am a money person I said of course I am making a living here. I could see the hatred and contempt in this motherfuckers eyes.....I asked him settle up I am a very nice person he said he thought so hence why make him uneasy pukey bullshit I thought he sounded off his face......I said would he pay he asked did I smoke I said what tobacco cannabis though I knew what he meant....I bloody know when someone is wired so I said oh you mean crack he said of course and he could tell..I misled him....he travelled all this way and didnt know he was coming to see a crack whore...I nearly killed him....how did I mislead? And hell, I don't smoke that shit...the guy freaked me......this is why I can't hack it alone. The man who lived off me a few months back came he didn't seem to care just said get out of this I said how could he help me as I have helped him he said he was helping me because he gave me a bloody bag of coke at cost price (not profit) for once, I pleaded for mercy. The agreement was......I am pathetic but I thought those guys would protect me so we could support each others pathetic sad habits....as a result I aint earnt fuck all. Clear it don't matter so much to him but then he has goods I don't...I said a few things I felt and he said look in the mirror I was imagining projecting onto him insecurities....I just can't stop crying I should never have agreed to or suggested this work...hell, hell. It has made me see what some men are like, the contempt for women they hold...and I am one least easily spared....I aint cold can't cope alone...I was in bits last night as well....and he cares no more. He used to love me, really...now it feels he just wants to....I wish I knew what I'd done I never hurt him intentionally for the world...have mercy I keep begging him to...I told him the reason for my binges I listen to him...God spare me.

Getting a Grip...

I have to get a grip, I normally do keep my chin up relatively positive outlook on the mess I'm in....guess we all have our downs. I must think ok no point wallowing it, get a grip as this is the situation just bloody earn so then everyone will be happy failing to earn only makes it worse for me and everyone.....so get a grip you stupid tart......you made your bed now lie on it and be.....well, just lie there and earn, get some guys it is partly my fault the phone is dead. Survival mode now.

Shit......I guess looking at it makes me see. I'll get over this, I swear. Tomorrow I will take a walk in the damn sun try lift my spirits not lie in with the curtains closed feeling how wretched I am.....I'll get through it, I have survived worse.....

Just earn my way out of the immediate problem and all else deal with step by step...I should get something before the weekends up....and if I relax it should get better...then I can work on being myself again, playing my music, going out weekends enjoying myself.....at least I have my writing have this space, eventually I'll be able to write about something else other than this bullshit consuming me right now, this little tragi comic opera. Gotta laugh sometimes it is pathetic.....but still sad. The ability to laugh it does not mean it doesn't hurt me. I put graffiti with a biro on my arms one night...the usual names...whore, slut, bitch etc...this is a bad stage I am not always like this with my work....it has been the attitude of some men I have encountered. Which has made it harder. You gotta be cold to cope with all this to an extent, I have to face if I do this job facing that is a part I must be prepared to....and maybe I am getting too old. No wonder a lot of women (including me in the past) turn to smack to kill the damn pain of it......no fun. Any man who deludes himself we all do this because we are nymphos who just love it....aint got a fucking clue. Women like that are actually few....if I was to probe inside that cheap looking young girl in the sub position she is probably hurting....partly why I don't want to meet her boss....I have a good heart and decent guys who come over see me know that...those who actually want company that is human....the ones who want a 'retard doll to bang up every hole' are the ones I hate, but they cause me pain in a sense.......they clearly despise me but yet pay to shag me. Sad, pathetic creeps. And they think I like it.....only way I can is by dreaming I am with someone else you jerks...the man who gets something from this cos I am lonely like you...and more fucked up it seems that's why I do this.....what a sick parasitic thing that some of these guys get off on...the dom sub types etc. Games are one thing.....but hell.

No Mercy.....and that Public School Sleazebag

He's just been coming back and said don't expect any mercy he fucking has to earn so therefore I do and if he wanted to be a complete bastard he'd demand a percentage but he doesn't so he is being relatively merciful....he can afford to give no favours I said what of the times I've helped him out he said what the hell he's paid me back in goods and what of the times he has helped me out......I said I know he's having it hard I've tried to empathise and he said I've done nothing but do his head in he is sick of stress from everyone...I know where the man is and I understand. I just wish that.......bloody want my own goods, sick of having to earn like this.

I said I'll earn if he brings something more meanwhile more I owe great now I gotta earn that before keeping a penny for myself I can't believe it.......God I am a fine one to criticise anyone else...but I swore the self respect I do have is in what I don't do....

That sleazebag I didn't show up for the interview today, the one with the public school accent, it was part due to his parties leaving a bad taste in my mouth, the young cheap sub women taking it up any hole....I told my man I have self respect I am on drugs won't consent to that shit....he said well they must be. I won't sink that low, a guy just rang me asking could he fuck me up the arse I said I don't do all inclusive does not mean I do anything you want you little fucker dirtbag.

I feel frustrated and there is some level that I feel angered by women who do consent to it...get banged up any hole for money, get boob jobs just to please men to obtain more money...it is cold, sick, horrible.....Why I feel so down on this sex industry I am normal libertarian about each to their own....cos it's dark misogynistic side keeps coming to the fore....'take up any hole, hey I'm your filthy little retard doll'....it is not lack of intelligence, and maybe I am being a hypocrite cos I don't consent to anything because I really want to.....it just saddens me, adds to my pain that some women let themselves be degraded to that level....and that there is a public school educated pimp earning out of it....don't think you are any better than any bloody low rent coke pimp cos you aren't...and the sleazeball probably doesn't have a habit even....if men do have habits, addictions is one thing....but if they just earn off women for the sake of, get rich off the suffering of cheap young crack/coke whores....that is just sick. No wonder I don't really want to see the man....or have him earn fuck all off me.

My Motherf**ker.....

I have this feeling, even if a guy is being a mf he is my mf, what I say don't always look good....but why is it physically as well as mentally painful to me if other people call him names or tell me I should get out in less than polite words....I feel annoyed if they fail to show sensitivity..because it aint easy if you do love someone but he has been a jerk and helped you drive yourself to despair...I used to say I would write no more posts all about him, I hoped as we had a kind of agreement thing's get better....just that I can't live this kind of way alone earning like this and could he just be there please make sure I aint hurt I'll always see him alright if he needs....perhaps some boundaries need to be laid down.....

Tonite

Please, wish me luck for tonite I have to bloody earn no matter how I feel about what I have to do to earn....I just wish somebody would be more forgiving....

I can get through this...I can, I am stronger and I am fighting against letting it consume me...I did a bad job today, forgot to do things as I was so gutted last night, trying to find the right word to text someone who had been silent, which they know is a killer....and my words failed me.....I say sorry for everything, eggshells break easily....this wasn't always like this. Memories of my positive feelings for the future last year....perhaps it still can be. Perhaps one day soon I can go out again and enjoy myself weekends like I used to. I'll see the damn doctor, tell him the stupid pills he gave me last time made me feel worse and not better, and unless I get something that works a person as sick as I feel at present will only continue to risk my life each day to self medicate the way I am and continue this spiral. If it doesn't work I'll climb up eventually....

Is it too late to repair a lot of the damage? I became an embodiment of someone's insecurities. He transfers it all on me and him being self destructive aint enough...I need punishing too. 'I'll be your mirror' is only too true....and leaving me burning up, so to speak.....and the coldness I go through it's little wonder I am willing to sacrifice so much for something that does feel real...I hate to say but at times I feel broken, truly. I don't know if this is what someone wants...if not then don't leave me to it, show your human side and lay off the money thing etc. You weren't up all night in tears over me.......I can do without all this when I have to earn. I've explained, I can't earn easily when I am like this, it is self defeating even for you.......and then say ok if I can't earn simple just don't no more dust etc....is it that simple for you no it aint you've had guys threaten you for money you owe for that shit and who has bailed you out......I am no liability not as much as some of the idiots you know...just be nice to me please. God have mercy.

This Post Soon to be Deleted....

It's rare in the work I do that I find someone who I do click with...but I did meet this guy a few times who I did and who genuinely liked me...why do I get so tearful every time somebody gives me kind words these days? Not that I am not tearful easily.....perhaps it reminds me I am still alive. There is not much I can do til this bad phase passes and it will, I have to remind myself. Nothing bad lasts forever as nothing good does either....as I have learnt too well. Complacency will never be mine again.

Meanwhile, somebody....stop telling me I should get a pet - like that should compensate for a lack of human warmth. Coming especially from you of all people....all I ask is that you be fair, make this life easier not harder, I do what I can for you.....pls ease up I hate having to beg you, debase myself, plead with you to help take my pain away, and I hate the power I have let you have over me. It aint funny. What was a fucked up mistake for me the other night was a gain for you, if it had not been for that I'd have more what I want now....I am a total idiot, stupid. The sun was out today nice day but I was in tears all last night and slept in today, missed the electricity people did not do other things.....I have to keep my chin up, somehow. Pls stop punishing me, I've paid the price for my mistakes and have to live with them each day, not easy to know what I have done and continue....if only you had the foggiest of how much all this hurts......you'd let something give, at least...I'm mad at myself for not having enough to get through tonight and earn....spare me the agony. Pls never again tell me I should look in the mirror and be ashamed of who I am, don't tell me I 'have no self respect' when I do then tell me I ought to despise myself. If you truly hate yourself I feel for you, you know I feel for you anyway, but please don't insist on transferring all this.

If it is some mad power game on your part stop it.....I admit to being sub but I wasn't willing to take it this far....It is despicable I have let this happen, and it hurts me you have fallen so readily into this role...but please don't say I enjoy abuse that I set myself up for ask for it etc. What gets me now is loneliness coldness you know that is punishment enough....just spare me the other worries on top please please go easy......I am ashamed already of it, believe. Don't tell me I am lucky not to be with someone who keeps all of what is good himself and gives me total crap gear charged over the odds...and speak to me like dirt just because you got goods, ok? I get my own goods soon...

There is something I may yet write about...although it is agony for me and I've been asked not to but it is all anon. If it hadn't been killing me, if only.....

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Spare Me...

Someone spare me this....I cannot take the heartbreak. Sorry, Mary, you didn't mean to be such a cow...you contacted me, I take it back.

I have been awake in bits all night, tears, nose running, partly due to you....it is the principle how could he? It is like the heroin addict friend of mine mentioned, I shouldn't sneer or even look down...ok so nobody gives me tea but I got dissed. It aint the fucking gear it is the principle...if I did not have the games, the stupid work I could deal with...enough with a health scare why I was already crying....where is his heart why has he left me like this sick, ill, in tatters?

Motherfuck...hell.....I aint gonna mend like this, and I aint strong enough to make this alone....someone or something remind of him of the times before he so clearly hated me....if he had any feelings left for me he would be here...but how could he profit from my fucking pain oh God he knows I aint been the same since he brought that guy here how I plead with him I hate that work help me out of it....he once said he thought better of me...well...I REGRET IT NOW IT AINT WORTH THE PAIN OF EACH TIME I GET SOMEONE HERE HAVING TO FANTASISE I AM WITH A MAN WHO ONCE LOVED ME BUT NOW CLEARLY HATES ME FOR 'DEBASING MYSELF' AND HOW, HOW....WHEN I TOLD HIM WHAT I THINK OF HE WAS INSECURE ENOUGH TO THINK I WAS FANTASISING ABOUT SHAGGING HIS MATES NOT HIM...I told him his boys weren't welcome here tonight but to give me that shit.....aint I paid enough for my crimes?

I helped you so much, how could you do this? Is your own wallet your own habit that important? I love you to bits I won't go you already asked me not to write about certain things here that have already made me ill....please don't....do this to someone who loved you and still does.....no, please. I try, I say come walk on the beach with me do something normal.....I swear I gonna write about what has been tearing me apart and as you continue these games leaving me like this unable to do my work...the last post I said I'd delete remains. How could you, how, how...make it up to me, you must have known and I aint dumb...why else was I straight on the phone and why else your silence? Don't. I love you to bits, stop doing this, where is your heart? Sorry but nowhere else to write this...but hey you get a personal letter tomorrow you will know. This is not right....to do this to someone already in pain. Don't act like a brutal vicious...I don't need to say the word. You know, hon. Just do this to someone rotten who asks for it...not to me.

Bitch, Meow (The Kindness of Strangers)

Gotta get this off my chest...unlikely you read this...but you stupid bitch Mary, how could you? Take your desperation for male company and male approval elsewhere, if you are so desperate for it...and if as you said you aren't interested in mine what was all that shit about the other night? Really, why be all over him (in my fucking bedroom of all places) you who stood me up left me worried about you...you who were in bits saying you had fell out with a strange man you met who threw a beer glass at you...then stood me up for a man you met in the.....kebab shop! If you really are sick of male violence, despair, why seek it out? It is a sickness we have in common, but you knew you would make me upset. It is not that he is interested in you....but the fact you tried to make him so. Ok you go on about Jim...who is a cunt to me (and yes despises me after shagging me) how nice he is to you he clearly likes you...shame he was not around the other night. But hey Alex is free now....you admitted to my man that there is 'something in you' that feels drawn there....whatever. I appreciated you being here when I was close to a breakdown...but why you had to say those things to him, which you knew could have got me in deep shit, made references to my big mouth, you who have claimed one minute to be terrified of men, you can be such a drama queen then run back there. You said to me (looking around my messy room) don't let 'a man' referring to the one present do this to you....it is not 'a man' who has done this to me....rather men in the plural if anything. And of course the chemical enhancement damn....but then you went along to say you don't need chemicals men alone suffice...while looking at him, adressing it to him......why was I made to feel like an unwelcome dirtbag in my own bedroom? I have been here before but I did not expect this shit from you, Mary, these stupid games I thought you were my friend. Believe me, there is more to this than a man....it just hurts me that our friendship was not more important to you...than this. You know how I hurt already, you even said to him that I love him more than 'he can understand or imagine' etc, and yes you know I missed him, you knew I had had nothing real since the unwanted BJ and I needed to, as I explained in the lounge please don't stay too long he said he'll sleep on the couch if you do...then mentioning your late partners sicknesses perversions in the fall knowledge you were talking to someone with similiar problems. I got crude by saying 'do you want a threesome or something', and 'thanks, you probably exhausted him by your blabbering'....it is clear you can't handle your drink and you clearly can't handle coke either....endlessly saying sorry sorry for outstaying your welcome to the point when I said stop saying sorry....just...gooooo!

I haven't said too much to him about this as to him it would look like a stupid soap opera...no wonder they are shows for bored housewives, female viewing. I just don't want bitchiness in my life, probably why I have few female friends. The equilibrium here is delicate...if you so much love the kindness of strangers...whereas I don't, I only go with them if there is something concrete, but it seems you like to anyway...or maybe if they have a few drinks as that is what you do.....you do go out with no money then get men to buy you alcohol...it takes a bit more than that for me. I don't like getting drunk even... but if male attention is what you seek do you want my bloody job? Then rely on the kindness of strangers as at times I have to...just do me one favour, why was it impossible for you to bloody keep away from my man? You hadn't seen me for a while, that time you called me before meeting the guy in the takeaway I actually could've done with some company....if you had not met him you would've come....but clearly he was more important. But still you rang me 5am saying you were scared because you had weird phone calls, might it be Alex etc.

Jesus Christ on a damned crutch....you who say you do not like drama...gets to the point when I must agree with somebody that you do to an extent, you do thrive on it...I've seen it, I've thought he may be right.....why do you want my wretched life, why the big interest....if you don't want him as you insist you don't, please if you are only gonna hinder me and make it worse....you saw me nearly start crying as I walked into the lounge...perhaps like a spoilt kid who was having her candies taking away....but just don't go there. As you are a friend (or I thought you were) I could not tell you to fuck off....I just had to make it clear I was not happy. You accused me of a few nasty things, some rotten jealousy involving not you but another woman, raising this shit because you wanted to be his friend etc..and you know where my buttons are. When I did get upset you said 'stop being self obsessed', it aint all about me for once...but guess who it was about. That's right, him as usual. I'm not so convinced it was all about him, more to get at me...or maybe part of it was your desperation for male company, maybe it was tied in with seeing your late partner in him....God knows. I cannot analyse this forever..but you have done me wrong. I told you how I felt, what happened to me the other week felt like rape etc.....ok so certain things were said, my man is just so screwed up right now he seriously did not mean to hurt me, he just fell into that role that night because of the situation....in many men those underlying issues re mistrust of women etc are there.....do what I do for a living and it will be multiplied....so have my job if all this excites you. Bloody ache like I ache burn like I burn...then you will understand. Til that day....please just stay away from him, ok? I have precious little, you at least have your family....I haven't got kids or grandkids, so don't try to take what little I do have...please if you can't be real just keep away let me deal with things alone if I must...but then seeing as everyone else has gone he will be all I do have left...just don't make it worse. If this is what my friends do to me, getting deliberate gratification..'oh I'm lonely tonight bored know what I'll do I'll just go wind up Snow Queen make out I want to steal her man fuck with her head'....to say in front of him how you hate mind games you'd rather a man 'just hit you'...to which I somewhat agreed it does hurt more...I think you mentioned that after the tale of the fucked up couple I told you of the sex worker with the sex addict hubby...then saying things you knew could cause a row...did you want to see us argue did you want him to hit me? He didn't flip, but you know he has a temper...and you knew full well even if he didn't express it in front of you...ok so he would not hit me but you know what he can be capable of saying in temper....Perhaps I should be glad. Just why should I be thankful things did not end like that, why did you have to steal all my chances of a peaceful chilled evening for once, without any strange men with just him? Now my work is yet harder...thank you for giving me another fuck up, and yes your silence since then speaks volumes, even after I sent you a nice text to make peace. I had told you how the work had been killing me, how it had affected me and him so....you knew things were sensitive why oh why did you have to rub it in?

God knows, all I do know is that I can't analyse everyone...just I am tired of feeling so alone and this has got to stop.....I should never have started this...I could have borne it if single but it wrecking me personally like this....more than I can take. Whatever is up there does not like me and won't keep these snakes away I just want them all to go...I'd rather have nobody than friends like this....who get off on watching me cry, encouraging men to abuse me when they can't find men to abuse them.....I know you are fucked up, God forbid, but it aint my fault none of your problems are.....

Meanwhile somebody's boys are not welcome here with him. They can keep the fuck out....if he 'cannot handle' me tonight when I found a nasty thing on my side that could be fucking cancer........and he still worries about his fucking money, that his how twisted he has become, never mind a woman he once said he loved could be dead soon, who his sickness for more cash to support his fucking habit is driving to an early grave.....well Mary you sure are sick indeed if this is truly what you get off on. But pray I will be ok...I don't want to die. Does the man still have a soul would find out sooner if...

What Friends Are For.....

Feels like I have very few at times or even none, nobody fucking real....as I am one angry woman now. You who came over the other night....your behaviour has hurt me, could you not see you were contributing to the pain of an already fucked up fragile situation. You say you can't stand cocaine etc, your partner died through overuse....it 'fucks you up'...says she who is drinking herself to death through blackouts - firstly, I said, look at what you drink....I remember what I did last night, do you? Second.....nothing 'fucks you up' - you fuck yourself up and use chemicals to help you do that if so, drugs only 'do to people' what emotional fuckwits like me let them....

But on your part...shit behaviour from a friend. Ok, you were desperate for company, but where we really the right people to be around. I asked politely several times for you to go....even explained the situation in the lounge. I said.....he will go sleep in the lounge if you stay too long, and I do not want him to, I've seen little of him lately......leave me some time alone. Ok you left eventually, but there was me frustrated again while I suffer more coldness while memories of what was real recede into the past and I am so deeply depressed....you with your silence since too. Is it guilt? God knows...all I know is it could have worked had you gone when asked, had you stayed any longer I may well have got crude. Nothing happened thanks to you you had stressed me so I blabbed on, by the time did get into bed he couldn't do anything, then I had to stay awake to get him out of bed....well, hello again coldness, meanness, silence, despair, welcome back. Thanks for reminding me there is no such thing as I true friend...you who rarely come see me but just happen to come over when he is there, after we had spoke on the phone, decided the day after would be best and you freak me by pressing my buzzer anyway, unannounced. If it was all just being drunk, stupid and thoughtless control your drink....I at least remember if I have been a pain or upset someone, been a thoughtless twat. Thanks for ruining my night...and maybe my week soon, as I get more reluctant to shag strangers every day, and what about my income health etc didn't I need some sleep? Don't you know what happens when I fail to earn......I have explained. It is no fucking joke, alone with bloody nothing to take the tears away. Unless you did know.....and did not care. Thank you for showing me.

Levels....

Just read Shane's post (memoires of a heroin head) on shooting...brought something to mind...a friend of mine who I can no longer be around complained to me one night her boyfriend was going to die due to fear of sores in his leg (no veins left in the arm) going gangrenous, he was feverish she said she feared he might have to have a limb amputated....I said call an ambulance then or should I? She said he was sleeping and did not want to wake him etc.....for the sake of losing a leg?

It is not the drug, but some people inclined that why take the spiral to it's lowest levels and it gets sick...for lack of a better target once (bear in mind this woman is covered in sores in her legs from damaged veins but still shoots despite DVT) she asked why do I sell sex, I said seeing as she is a heroin addict she should know...she said she would rather cold turkey than do that....ok somebody suggested I do that, let her turkey then someone put a bag of smack plus money in front of her...I am not so convinced save for her mode of operation, her who latches onto men with habits, her man has sold smack for years, she went to jail for conspiracy with him (a risk I have taken too before). What rocked my boat was whe she said she knows I like men who have drugs....I said come on, hasn't every man she has been out with done drugs? We had a mutual fling with a smackhead who sold that shit years ago...so what was her point? She said she 'always pays her way'....to which at that point I fumed, me who used to lend her cash for her next fix when she begged me..I said don't you dare think I am getting a habit supported for nothing, why was I on the strip that night and why was I skint? Why else than to fund my own stupid coke habit...the simple reason I was going out with a cokehead did not mean it was all free...unlike their stuff. It is only lately he has got so pissed off with her greed he gives tea in an injection...and she is so far gone the placebo effect works. His stuff, his money, he who confesses himself he no longer cares for anything but heroin...give something fake more than yourself. I've had coke that must have been mostly benzocaine, gives a feeling of numbness without the high, mixed with other uppers, and only 2% cocaine. The strong shit I did earlier....not totally pure but good for this area...soneone said they paid £150 a gram, got to be good, I paid a hundred for some better quality stuff which has since been bashed and now sold at 50.If 20 to 40 percent is low...try two percent which I've seen a lot of people accept without complain. I know a guys sold stuff totally bash....his customers returned anyway. He laughed at them.
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Heroin is bashed with all kinds...but injecting god knows what....now wonder. Tea is relatively harmess. But I known one fact them with the bad legs...I don't think they'd care much of I said my nose was falling off (and it is a bad state at present). They woukd just say it is self inflicted,.....like the condition of their legs? Cocaine and heroion addicts often clash....because the mentalities are far apart.....one is a strong upeer that is social....another is a downer that is for people who wish to retreat more often. Having been oh heroin I know, I have gone through difference phases , but the smack phase was when I wanted to withdraw. It teatwas not truly me. I need compang, people's time etc. Coke is better for that....wny sniffing alone is different from company and at times ends in tears when u comedown......

The thing is, I know I am not an all out heroin fiend, whereas they are, so on some levels I cannot relate....downers people are different from uppers people. Uppers people use downers to chill when the comedown begins, downers people use downers for their own buzz and only might do uppers to keep them awake to enjoy their own buzz, but one is for the sake of the other. I have rarely head people who mix say they enjoy and like both in equal amonts...

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Another Day and Another Fucking Dollar......

I saw the personal site of the girl who does the parties below....saw a customer who knows her from the gym....evidently she is a bit of a parody of a midmarket whore...fake boobs and everything, appears independent......not sure anyone knows about her man and that the sites are connected.....she is young perhaps he persuaded her to get her fake boobs as they'd make more cash....who knows.....

On some level I feel hypocrital slagging off pimps as I let men to it to me to some extent.......it is just so sad...does money truly change everything. If anyone wants to do as I do they can earn.....you just have to be pretty self reliant if you don't wish to fuck up. Those who have weakness will attract abuse as most men would feel uncomfy with it, who could blame them? In fact I am a hypocrite when the chances are.....did he get more out of things than I did today..depends how much you measure. I don't want to say I am better as I would make myself over for no man nor money, I like to seem and feel independent. One reason I have always refused to pay an agency if I must do this shit I market myself....the dude I spoke of said he invested over a few grand to get his business off level...and how does someone save and invest lest they have money to begin with? His accent maybe gave it away.....not all men have that background. That man perhaps is respectable on some level, god knows....whereas some low rent junkie who sponged off street women with habits is a scumbag...the guy I said earlier said he would judge any man negatively for being with me and tolerating it feeling fine....on one hand someone would be cold if they 'felt fine' but on the other I don't want contempt, abuse, disrespect...or being alone and lacking anything genuine.

It feels too late in some ways to turn back the clock.......on some level it upsets, hurts, how mean someone can be who once claimed to love me.....still undecided on the last post after I phoned having money and he spoke to me like dirt anyway....guess it was how I was getting it....still how else does he expect right this minute....I feel a bit sick, don't want to get sick. But then I should not self consciously starve myself. I got a wee bit hungry but decided against cooking for myself and there were no ready meals and anyway I was too sad to be that bothered...maybe later. There was no later as I ended staying out all night and forgot about food....pretty rough after the other day, slept 12 hours after no sleep. Somebody had court and I stayed awake to make sure he got up...he had court for a driving offence plus a new job.....Mary came round and fucked things up too.

Dunno what it is with her...but she can be a sucker for punishment. Maybe she feels bad but she has been silent since the other night and that likewise does my head in....Her former partner died much due to mental health problems, the same addictions described here.....why come spend the anniversary of that event with people like us? Did she really want to be surrounded by a couple with the same sickness who have problems anyway? Not that he is here often....and I explained to her in the lounge that I don't see much of him these days (she gathers that it is not always he can even get it up......and I explained how my work frustrates me. I go with strange men I don't really want....while him I do can't perform often). She still stayed too long and made references to shagging along with sensitive issues and she knows what those guys are like...when I asked her did she want a threesome. She said I should know she aint like that...well, my room, I had a man there! If she wanted a chat...there was the next day. She hadn't seen me for a little while...so why the night when you know who was here? Was it on purpose? Now things feel fucked again...it is crucial not to disturb my fragile balance, one thing out of joint and all can spiral.

I think about things too much...but what I do has fucked things up. It was about the time I started doing this dumb work that he stopped referring to me on any level that implied attachment, commitment etc...he says he felt dissapointed in me, felt I was better, wanted better for me. Ok so he didn't like the idea at first....but one could argue if he watches my spiral and encourages and benefits from it....who is he to criticise? I am confused as hell...once I used to ask him for gear and he would discourage it slightly, felt he was doing me no favour etc......he doesn't say that anymore but hell if I mean nothing why make me feel like a pathetic stupid slave...but I do it to myself......Cos I hate feeling dependent like a sad slave...and I hate the slave mentality so I am aware, god. I am aware....but at times willingly subject myself for the sake of...something. Because I do have self respect...had I not last weeks events wouldn't have bothered me so much...but then had he come back said how much he loved me he only wanted to help his friend out and the gear cost him and after all......any kinds of excuses I probably would've swallowed.

Yes, I support sex workers rights....but middle class women who muck about sexually to empower themselves then project onto everyone who does this......it does not always feel empowering...but then I won't go to the opposite, with me it can be in between....sometimes I have been fine but other times it has felt like bribery if the guys are shit, payment for accepting abuse...in which case I want them out asap and I show them, they get less of an act....it is true I should do this for my own benefit if I must...and if the consequences of this mean sacrificing a personal life....I can't do that but I can't stop right now....like the other day when someone had goods I said I can't handle the work..he said I had better else no dust, I said just take my pain away. I got tic on the condition I would continue....to pay the price for killing my pain in order to kill my pain which I must pay the price for...

It is not just the work for....it goes deeper. The ups last year is maybe what I miss...but drugs alone will not bring them back....but I cannot grieve for what may be my loss because I was willing to do what in someone's eyes lowered me........now that hurts. I want the pain to stop....why I wanted to be in control a while back. Lack of capital means lack of power, those with capital have power......

There is something deeply sick here....why I never had a dog or feel totally ok with one. A subjected animal, a pack herd one (wolf) pretending you are the leader. I have heard people speak of each other like this.....good god where is this going...but he hates the fact I debase myself so....I am bloody censoring myself now lest....I have already said too much and if I by accident get anyone into trouble...but I won't there are bigger fish to fry than who some pathetic little crack/coke whore gets her drugs from....patronising shits. I say openly I choose to do what I do etc....spend my money that way it just gets a wee bit painful at times dealing with the consequences....

so did a lot of other shit that was not my fault but is easily transferred....I sometimes feel I am nothing but a burden, especially when I am equated negatively with pther people.....when I have helped him, been the only one he can rely on at times when at others a selfish bitch just absorbed with her own issues why don't I think of him for a change or someone else....I say I always think of him...look at what I do. But it all reduces down to wanting to help my nose.....I can't deny part of it is that but hell I needed to live at the end of the day...had I not been stupid or deluded myself there would be no personal cost I would have thought twice...according to him I like it really, set myself up for it....on some level it is true cos what do I expect? There aint many men who would take it.....I have not been naive. It takes a fair amount for someone to get into my head...and the use of chemicals work. I should contact my potential client who wanted a dominatrix who would get him addicted to coke in order to control him.....aint brain chemistry fascinating? It doesn't take much, and some people's weak spots are vulnerable.

I have been told I secretly like it....if I really did why is my nose so fucked as people occasionally notice who are not naive there is something about that shit I have been sniffing lately that aint too bad but it sure is bashed with something that does not absorb well...but there is a sub theme that does like it...Such as the guy who chatted me up online once. He said he was a dom and had subs who were willing slaves...in his own words they 'whored for him' and loved it he could tell I was sub and loved it....if it is an agreed game fairplay but how far do you take things? I am lonely is the truth....and my own worst enemy. I should be more self reliant, stronger....I feel a twat having let myself and others down in so many ways, becoming such an easy person to point the finger at, an easy symbol of what is wrong with everyone I know...with a human face....should I drop the latter and be cold, totally?

Seems maybe so, I get more cynical at the depths...it seems all it boils down to is the need for more cash which the hurt at drives me to more cash to get more drugs.....saw a guy who could see my nose was fucked and brought some coke out...he said something about him wanted to explore it....shame it didn't work that way and he ended up not receiving as first he was unable to then so was I after gabbing away and then not being able to smoke lest his wife smelt in.....I bloody spilt my drink too. I screwed up badly but that's what happens when strangers give me strong stuff and buy more on top...or I do. Stupid I am, I could have earnt but I am greedy, having dropped a bag in my pocket. This dude was shocked at the size of my lines and said maybe if you have crap gear....but is average for here, this country I guess and over £100 a gram is too much....you cannot get pure cocaine in this country and those who think I am dumb enough to think their shit is pure...so how can they say it is am I totally dumb? I should shut the fuck up now no wonder I am a nightmare depends what mood I am in...The kindness of strangers cannot always be relied upon...I need a friend. Someone confided in me earlier about not being over a relationship when an ex left me two years ago....I have moved on and he aint....but moved on where?

This spiral of despair is ludicrous....I did what I do to support mine and someone else's stupid habit.....god knows what to say....was I on smack I wouldn't be bothered I'd just drift into unconsciousness and then the thing on my mind the next day would be avoiding physical agony....mental illness is more subjective but it hurts and I sure aint right....I am sick as hell or will feel it...before I have my medicine. I do what it takes to get it.....and enjoy it if I get off my face, other times it just stops me hurting. Getting off my face is awkward, can go right or wrong. ..it is times like this I think nice have a bit of heroin to relax come down with...get high while relaxing too. But that stuff....I don't want to go there.

I came home tonight because the person I was with...a non smoker and I lost my gear turned it was at the bottom of my bag but I was not allowed to smoke in the house....anyone who is a smoker and has ever done coke knows you should not give smokers coke expect them not to smoke or want to...but my oral fixation increased my nervous energy and I gabbed away ended spilling my drink at which point I had to say I must get home. See even when I am home I have to be real tired in order to sleep...I am becoming real real crap at my job truly. I gonna expose myself as a fuck up soon or someone real...I promised that jerk of a pimp my pics earlier and forgot...maybe I should say it was something to do with...one of his establishments and me not wanting to do what they do being fucked up the arse or having guys squirt in my mouth....oh to hell.....I was going to write of a few things earlier.....

I wish I was not alone tonight. I wish I'd spent the night with...god he might have left me here anyhow...I am sick of censoring myself sick of hurting....but when I go far enough I know what perhaps I never truly got over what some people never get over...bloody why I do not wish to reproduce and put this spiral onto another generation..and people think I am strange for that reason......I am fucked more than some but certain thing I see too clear...wrap me in a haze just blot this....I am sick of knowing all while knowing nothing. There is no real answer to the question why. What is simply is, fuck all we can do at times. Get on with it or stop whinging unless you can jump of a spiral staircase....I cannot jump off stairs without breaking my neck. I must climb, see each day as one small step up rather than down....just don't let me confuse getting high with a genuine feeling of progress...I know too well getting high is temporary and I feel it too much after I go too far.....Ups and downs can be like seasons, general or temporary. Was the up last year worth this general downer? I could say was seeing stars, is seeing heaven worth seeing hell? I would say perhaps...yes. Life is for living, and if you get light you will see darkness. Despite my problems there is much I don't regret about the use of drugs.....to a degree they have given me a different perspective that I may not otherwise have...made me see things within that I may not otherwise know......I just have to learn a few things like when to stop being destructive.....but when I am so down and despair at silence...when it seems people only want me when I have something they can look at....perhaps the heart they once claimed to love is dead.....or maybe pain is what reminds me I live....a reason to go on maybe.....Hell I should've eaten earlier something apart from a yoghurt explains why I feel crap after drinking. I can see what happens to people who talk to nobody...some things have been killing me but a few get hard to talk about and that is where a lot of it lies....this is the only place I have. I begged him not to take this from me when he tried to get me to delete all...hell this could be anything....I can put a disclaimer on everything if it is so much of a 'soap opera'.

Meanwhile....I wished I didn't feel so done in. It just hurts, but where do I go? The truth is...things were not always like this. Ok so I failed to help someone, but was I in a position to, he said he tried to help me but has given up since...if he wanted someone to help stop his habit I was not ideal...and I knew a man with a bigger habit than me...would not be likely to help if I wanted to use....if somebody did not have such a big problem maybe...but I was not that strong. Why do I feel so responsible then such a failure? I 'set myself up' for all this as it secretly turns me on as I am sexually sub, a masochist who loves to beg....one theory. I am stupid because I would've got my own stuff...but that does not stop other people fucking up...but with goods you can always rely somewhat lest you are fool enough to do everything in and resort to..whatever. I have no choice but resorting, and those who have capital look down....I want to be equal I can do without power games....I am sick of all of it. I just want to be...honest....I need a lot of things I could've done with more money fuck it but it all went....as I failed to do my bloody work right. Was I cold....but I aint. I don't want to break, burn out....I leave myself vulnerable and I shouldn't. I get tired of people thinking of me as dirt...and these are the times I do care, when someone finds it shameful to be associated with me...although they may not be thought of as much better....if sexuality is your soul (I don't believe so I have met people who think selling your mind is worse than your body, sex....I would agree)...but if one is property there is more worth in being that of one than of many, private rather than common....I don't think anyone belongs to someone.....each is their own and you can 'share' nobody as propery....I get sick of proving that I don't invest my heart and soul into every sexual act......any more than any act. I wish somebody would listen...why I felt unable to work tonight. I feel bad and I got paranoid....I tried but after a bit.....anything is only worth what you emotionally invest, if somebody tells me something does not truly mean anything.... I believe them...

I got uncomfortable when I had a woman round with the idea of working together..she had her husband with her and he was a perve, looking at pics of other women on the internet, then asking did I want a threesome he would pay....she said she aint paying again....He propositioned me again asking would I do alone in the day....Nyet. She didn't mind or claimed not to as they had an open relationship...but I think deep down she did. How fucked up.....he claimed to feel fine with what his wife does, I remarked it has caused issues with my personal relationships....apparently a man who is fine like he is with it is rarity...good or bad? I felt discomfited with him...make what you will. How mixed up this is...the topic of a bad b movie. I bet it aint fucking his head so much...he probably cares less for me cos I get silence that did my head in tonight.....

Dirt, More, Dirt (Yes...., Even More)......

Hey.....Welcome to my little world.....we are total sluts willing to do anything you want, personally I love being fucked up any hole and I love guys to squirt over my face, as many as possible because it really turns me on as I am a total sub little slave I am a total nympho and how I can't love being used, being an object for male gratification....my sisters are the same....come on gentlemen, just give us your dollar and come to our party for a great gangbang.......

A parody of the ad of the gentleman below and the 'parties' he organised. Sneaky dude whoever writes the ad for him either is female (one of his girls, maybe the top one who has the privelige of sucking his cock....hey wonder if he can get any good coke lol)or he simply makes it look as if it is run by women for the sake of the guys looking at the ad....makes no odds who writes that shit. Of course it doesn't say quite that....but would it? 'Personally I love.......' If anyone has heard of a 'facial' you get the picture, CIM of course stands for something, and anal goes without one having to use their imagination. I have got to distance myself from this sleaze, take a step back and laugh....if the money was rolling in and I hadn't been so down lately, which in essence has stopped it financially compensating me enough..typical my landlord had not been in touch for weeks but called this morning when I actually was under the weather...I couldn't face it. Something give, let there be some light....

Sleaze....

God, it makes me so cross....needless to say this work has been getting to me lately, especially when someone is worrying me to hell with their silence, even after I apologise for a little tantrum and show of pathos yesterday...I got some guy coming in a while and are far from feeling up to it, especially after I slept 12 hours after lack of the previous night and still feel under the weather from general malaise...but as not much is happening here I called an agency, and the agent in question said he runs a 'high class' agency.....Actually, the pimp (which is what he is, though he would not like to be described thus) has two. One is the 'high class' one, the other is some joint where his girls let guys do one of the things I hold too sacred to allow....ie squirting in the mouth. The pictures for this are far from 'high class' there is a pic of one young, very cheap looking woman (sorry but that is how she looks, hell it is no put down I probably looked cheap when I was young probably still do sometimes) with three men with their dicks out, her pussy is showing and so is her face as she holds one of the guys cocks over it...this filth is purely descriptive.

Well, what a respectable high class business....of course he uses different names. His public school accent makes no difference...he told me he uses different names as 'I know the nature of this business'. Too right I do, and I know his colour, accent, the fact he has money, invested in a professional way - let's wait for my 'interview' to see if he attempts to mix business with pleasure - makes no difference to what he is. He said he doesn't 'take money off everyone' just charges a fee per appointment.....makes no odds. Sorry, but I did found something distasteful about the pics and ads for his lower market establishment....but perhaps it is just more blatant, exposing it as it is....in which case he shouldn't mind me describing him how he is then, should he? Fact he is a rich, succesful and professional one does not mean he is not a pimp.....I don't know him, he could well be an ok guy, but there was something rotten about that young looking girl so willing to let herself by pictured like that....and she probably needs the money more than her boss does. Updates after the interview....not that I give a shit, if he gets me work he'll get his fee, but no pretences or illusions with me. I only approached him as times are hard...so be it if I still get my hourly fee.

Sisters are Doing it for....The Boys!

Something I get sick of about that site....is how some of the women who advertise there are either bisexual or lesbians and flaunt their little flings so that clients can read...in the hope of getting more tricks as a lot of men love the lesbian/2 girl fantasy. For me it is the fakest thing I can imagine....it is rare for me to find women sexually attractive as I am more straight than bi anyway, though it is not unknown nor off limits it's not the norm for me....and if I did actually decide to find myself a girlfriend it's not the kind of thing I would market for money....Ok so I do offer doubles, I am willing to do light stuff, threesomes with women for cash...but there is nothing genuine about it, it is 'so fake it is beyond fake' to quote Courtney Love....but then I am faking it pretty real these days anyway, there are times I click with somebody others I don't if cash is involved so obviously it is more 'real' if I do click than not...one reason I stress even the affection of a pimp isn't totally fake, or at least not always, sometimes it may be totally real...money corrupts even the most genuine and heartfelt of human interactions but those totally based on cash or at these those that openly involve the payment for sex, affection whatever it can be nice when something genuine is found among what is generally fake....The self righteous blow job recipient (and another jerk involved in a similiar fucked up situation complained it felt fake what the fuck did they expect I made no pretence from the start that I truly liked them, I admitted it was for cash or drugs (which on the second occasion were not given, hence the feeling of violation)....

But, to get back to the point.....if it is truly fake on the part of the women concerned, if they are making it up just to cater to the fantasies of these guys and pull tricks...then I forgive them. But if there is something genuine there and they are using it as a marketing tool I find it a bit...sickening. Perhaps I am no person to judge, but there are things I will not do for money. I won't let guys come in my mouth (whereas some sex workers allow it), leaving aside the possible health risks it is too personal anyway, I won't even do it the first month or so I am seeing a guy, I have to feel comfortable to allow it. Same goes for certain other things I don't really want to discuss here, the things I will do with a partner I won't do for money......because not only would it be a violation of boundaries it would feel like....sacrilige. But maybe I am a hypocrite because there is stuff I have mentioned on such sites....such as references to orgasms, I have used the fact I play guitar as a marketing tool, another time I mentioned that I had a dom partner if anyone fancied a bit of voyeurism (I don't like being sub for money....perhaps because I like to stay in control, but also that I feel it would be a violation because I actually am sexually sub and not dom)...and I hate it when the more intelligent guys who pay sus this out).....so where do you draw the line and say what is to sacred to pimp out, so to speak? Perhaps nothing is truly sacred...and it exposes the hypocrisy, the fact that the women who market lesbianism on that site are among the highest earners, whereas those same guys who are turned on by lesbianism frown upon gay men, or at least some of them do....or find the idea of men together abhorrent.

To me, if I had a genuine gay affair with someone to pimp it out would be the same as saying 'I love you' when I don't mean it, stringing somebody along pretending I truly do like them only to obtain something, I prefer to be open....and in return I earn contempt, from those who think it is more sophisticated to be devious about things and play with people's heads...try having your own head played with.

Meanwhile, sisters, try doing it for yourselves as well as for the boys.....This is a confusing one, as if these women were actually straight and were faking it totally, if it was purely for money it would somehow make me feel a bit more uneasy...perhaps it is my own stupid hang ups because if there is nothing wrong with marketing straightness....perhaps I say this because I know the mentality of some of the purchasers on that site too well, especially as far as bisexuality or homosexuality goes.....Perhaps it is just a question of knowing or finding out where your boundaries are, what is to sacred to let money contaminate...but in a capitalist world it seems nothing is anymore. Fuck it.

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

I Dunno...

He showed last night...catch up later...but he didn't see the last post. Contemplating whether to delete or not (I said I'd delete...) Rotten day yesterday re money fucked up online now got to go out and earn...damn, but I could not face anyone I needed calm. Now I am back and ready...for the kindness or cruely of strangers. Left it late...God let fate smile on me tonight...for once in the last few weeks. Spare me, please, sorry I keep fucking up please make my life easier make it steadier I can bear this bad luck no more....let me take the judgement of men who would shag me while despising me on the chin....I never used to care so.....I just get sick of all being reduced to the fact I am a bloody whore, and the judgements that is why I am sick of being a whore it gets harder each day....not that I like the word, but hell, that's how they see me.....Spare me. Shit job ok but we gotta live....now let me put on a friendly smile fake it as I go out the door...had I posted online I could've avoided fucking streetwalking....but at least I aint in agony....spare me further agony......I don't want pity just be with me someone, but I know most of you on my side...to break the cycle I gotta earn....enough to get high for a bit without blowing all....I need a good week, make all happy. Then the task may begin, and may other things give, let that dude with the grand show up!

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Bring the Sun Back.....

Somebody who called today (and failed to ring back, surprise), told me to enjoy the sunshine. Was I myself I would be, I'd be out there on the beach, maybe with a guitar. The fact I feel so down and the thing with him on the phone (I stopped being able to get through at all, now it is off) made me take another sleeper and just go back to bed on what is, weatherly speaking a nice day. With this heartache nothing can cheer me but all this to go away....I want the sun back in my life and in my heart. I want to get the money I need, make him happy in that respect at least, for now, then save whatever I can in order to get the hell out. I would never have opted for that work had I foreseen it would almost destroy what once was an affectionate, though not ideal, relationship, and turn someone who was once my best friend and my lover into the man I've written about recently. I don't like the man I've written about recently, although I empathise with his troubles at times I feel why should I he has none for mine and I want the one I used to know back, who would wake up next to me most mornings and greet me with a smile. I have seen very little of him for most of last week when he has bothered to come over, that has only been for a reason and it has been fleeting. Damn it all to hell.

S**t, F**k, Curse etc...THIS POST WILL BE DELETED SOON AFTER THE MUTHERFUCKA...

Sees what he has done to the woman he used to love, I can't believe he still does anymore because if he loved me he would not leave me like this, he'd be here as promised. When that delivers this post will have gone as he'd have seen it by then....it will open his eyes which normally don't see beyond his own nose (no pun intended) I wrote him a text Fri night saying I had a feeling the next would be a better day....I should know by now that I jinx myself by saying any such thing and it becomes the opposite.

Pray for me that fate, chance, or whatever runs the universe is kinder to me today, I earnt fuck all yesterday as was rewarded by the withdrawal of not only someone's loving company but all else he had to offer. I spoke to him this morning, he was at a mates off his face while I'd had nothing all night, my night ended in tears walking the street at 1.30 tears streaming down my face waiting for the kindness of a stranger that never arrived. He promised he'd come, I was evasive at first about money then admitted I had none. He said people who owe him money keep letting him down that's why he didn't make it....I said come on I rarely let him down, who else fucking calls when they owe tic but me.....I felt awful last night and all.

He don't get it and I am sick of it. Since the bj incident any time a stranger touches me a little piece of me dies.....and my drugs kill the pain of it, I rarely even have him around to help me through it...and no I don't have the strength left to walk away from him, even if I wanted to. If he hates me writing this shit about him then stop treating me like a piece of dirt and acting like a vicious cold pimp who has no mercy on the 'girl', ho, bitch whatever he once claimed to love and refuses to see her when she has no money....but if he wants to play those games what about the times I have helped him, what of the times I have had money and he still was content to leave me in the arms of strangers......why doesn't he take me seriously would I be of any use to the motherfucker dead in a gutter or in the madhouse......Pray for me that I can stop doing this forever. I want to go back to webcamming but right now I can't do it when I am endlessly crying and in need of instant cash...bring me the cash, make that miracle dude sort his grand out, anything so i can stop this....I don't know if HE will ever respect me again but sorry for turning a man into a pimp...ok so he thought of being one but I made it real....and even if it is money for services the way he is going about this....I told him that what I have to do to get his money is killing me....he had no compassion he said save the drama for Coronation St he just wants his money...I said it is no drama it is real the work is killing me I want out like I said yesterday, the only kind comment he had was that it's got into my head, shame.

I wanna be who I was last year again, not the person you see now. A quivering wreck of a downtrodden whore dependent on a fucking man and what he has....and I am willing to risk my life to obtain both to kill this misery. So motherfucker you want me not to write this where else do I have you ask me not to talk to anyone do you want me to go insane have you forgotten I am a human being what about what your lovely mate his blow job and his head fuck did to me can't you see please please how could you last year you would have come last night whether I had money or not....I waited for you then fell asleep on the bed with my coat and the fire on after crying my eyes out into my cider you promised you would come if I had your fucking money you'd have had it I tried my damdnest to get it I said had you been here I'd have got it easier felt safer and all but no, too much for you you bastard can't you see this is no drama soap opera etc it is real it is my stupid rotten life the hell you have helped me create for myself my little 'ray of light'...and to any self righteous types it aint the drugs killing me it is the fucking men (yes you self righteous BJ recipient I want my fucking money ok you little rapist), if the men hadn't done this to me I wouldn't have the need to get off my nut constantly to erase this misery...Aileen Wuornos RIP. Someone make this stop....I know it is temporary but for the meantime bring me some money so he will come back with something for me.....I can't take it no more, since that horrible night last week I've rarely even had a hug from him...and if he thinks this is oh so funny gives him such an ego trip to reduce a woman to this....it won't be so funny if it costs my life, please let him look at himself. Is it worth the death of a woman who was outgoing last year liked to party last year take her guitar down the beach do you want an image of the smiling person I was then on a fucking tombstone...please please and as for that other shit that has been killing me you have forbidden from even writing about here....I will delete this post after I login and show it when you do show your face here, ok muthafucka?

Sorry guys but I have to let this out, and he has to see what he is doing, that it is no fucking joke, AT LEAST NO FUCKING JOKE TO ME OR DO MY FEELINGS NOT COUNT DOES HE REALLY THINK I AM NO HUMAN BEING......I saw this movie a few years back about a streetwalker, she'd turned cold and hard because she had no choice to be. A man was romantic, said he loved her and all she had his name tattooed as she thought it romantic to be his 'property' (I aint that dumb), then he tired of shagging her but still wanted money (what a surprise) so subjected her to what essentially amounted to bonded labour, slavery, while all he did was drive by in his Mercedes to collect his take.....she had no affection left for the man who had destroyed her faith in love but paid up out of fear. I have been asking God to spare me from that fate, because yes he did threaten me with that once. I just said if that is my fate kill me now, why prolong the pain, but then he can always threaten to leave when I am at my most vulnerable, that works as well, like it aint already bad enough, if ignoring me is the consequence of me having no money...then...

Sisters, if you have a heard that aint hard and cold....don't do the work I do. I have again become a stereotype...doing a job I now hate, is klling me, for the sake of a drug habit and a man. You will end up with some jerk, have backstabbing bitches try steal him off you (see last post, among other) and unwittingly turn him into a pimp. He will lose all respect for you, when once upon a time he was loving and sweet and would see you for no other reason but your company, while he still loved you. Where is the man I fell in love with, I want him back here, today, or my life will be over, at times it already feels over, although you can see I am fighting I cannot bear this forever, accepting what has now become abuse for the compensation of payment so I can have what I so desperately want, He has no car and has been moaning, I'll pay for the bloody car just stop leaving me crying into my pillow each night because you aint here and the only sex I get is that from strangers - which you had the nerve to tell me I 'must enjoy'. Well once I could see myself as a kind of therapist but not now, I die a little each time someone touches me (thanks to the way you've made me feel about, and I feel I am being raped persistenty while at the same time having nobody to snuggle up to - funny the way you were round here when I had been having a good week financially, now the money is shit you have not stayed for nearly two weeks and even deprive me of a chat when you do call round....Two nights you promised to come back, two nights you have let me down after I put myself through unwanted sex to obtain cash I owe you. Can you not see I am breaking, I need some bloody warmth affection else this job drives me mad, I cannot live with this coldness any longer. Truth....I am dying and I don't want to die. Please don't let me die, find your compassion,

Ok, so he says he no longer demands half my money (how generous of him) but that's because he don't have to, and he earns anyway by the giving of goods off me....and the non payment of 50% saves him from 'my drama'. Well if giving 50% is the cost of his compassion, of not being left the wreck I was last night, he can have 50%, in fact all of it for all I care now long as he sorts me out decently ensures I have enough money to live on....it is better than this, anything is.

I'm taking a nap, crying myself to sleep midday when it warm out yet again, and I am still supposed to still see clients if they call? How could he have a good time out with his mates and leave me waiting for him, crying then falling asleep with my coat on while I'd been out trying to get his bloody cash.

RIP 'Precious Heart'. Snow Queen lives on and will....as my once precious heart is becoming as cold as his cold fucking pimp heart. Snow Queen is a survivot, 'precious heart' only keeps getting wounded. He once loved my precious heart but suceeded in killing it. Do you always kill what you love?

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Sorry I aint been following everyone's blogs lately...pc problems and a case of my head being up you know where....but two months time pray all this is receding into a bad dream....I can take this no more.

And I have one last word to say to the internet hoes who think they are better than drug using streetwalkers (and if they do happen to like the odd sniff - as some sure do - then damn your hypocrisy and may your rubber split and you catch one of the nasty diseases you bang on about so self righteously like to prove you don't have them...I wish disease on nobody but hypocrites who smear others as being disease spreaders!) just fuck you all. Making your sister's lives harder, supporting the jerks who will name and shame them and you yourselves refusing to see guys who shag them lest you be infected with disease - as one person put it - with protection, and hey, if somebody does not cum in you repetively what is this fear of? Is it just spite and snobbery? Because if so....then be careful, wait til you are in the same situation...wait to see how you feel being labelled as such by your sisters...you bitches! Stop fear mongering and read your medicine, ok?

While you will see guys who fly to Thailand to look for cheap whores...write about it on your site....while you slam them for seeing women in this country who sell a bit cheaper than you? Hell, women can be low. I was out tonight, some girl's pimp asked me if I'd seen her, I said no I hadn't. He then said to say if I did then tell her that she'd better be in else he'd kick her head in and smash her place up...I shouted no way do I pass on messages like that for women beaters, men who beat on their women, so the fucking scumbag pimp don't ask me.....he then asked someone else who was just to happy to pass on the message (did the man have bags of something?) and gave him her address, said he was welcome round her place....what a backstabbing nasty world this truly is. I thought I was numb to it but I am not. That's how I know this spiral has to end....I want to live, I have no true death wish. Coke makes you not care for a while, but when your supply is out everything looks even bigger....and that's why a lot of people who use crack (when regular cocaine no longer has the same effect) turn to heroin to come down...now that makes you not feel as well as not care, but excessive use of that turns you to a non feeling zombie if you aint careful...that's why I want to avoid that rotten little spiral where I've been before.....

And hey, the snobbery of the straight women in the sex industry who pride themselves on being better than me for not using drugs....maybe this can be turned around. I am not judgemental....but if you insist on being so, then...what do you think of the idea that being able to shag strangers each day for no other reason than making money for material goods makes you better than me for sticking it up my nose? What gives you any more lasting satisfaction? If anything you are worse, if you must think that way....I find what I do pretty cold, so cold it is hard to do sober...well, top marks for being cold enough to do that all the time!!! Does it make you a better person though?

No wonder that man the other night used the term 'brasses' cockney rhyming slang brass door - whore. I would cry if I could not laugh - Velvet Underground Stephanie Says - Why is though she's the door, never be the room...and her friends call her Alaska..because it's so cold in Alaska....It's all in her mind...

Yes, it is mental and it is cold here....come back...you who once loved me...

The Depths of Despair...And a Happy Ending?

Despite my self deprecation etc....there is truly a lot of sadness here, as you obviously notice. If only I could place where and when it started going wrong...it was a combination of factors, the arrival of Alex on the scene, when I began doing what I now do for a living (I used to do live webcam chat, though I had actually sold sex before I was not last year when I met him).

I have a plan....I am going to give things two months. I shall deadline it and make a date. I hope that money should come through first......but even if it doesn't I still must make a date. This is the last shot, I don't know if I am clutching at straws, but it is the only way I can think of to save me from a mental and emotional breakdown, heartache, despair, agony. Nobody knows how much it hurts.....somebody said to me the other day something about me 'not being able to tell somone to sod off'. I took offence at this person's choice of language, and perhaps it may well be a question of not wanting to rather than 'not being able to'. I don't see myself as a hapless victim but this person is pretty naive as to the kind of scene I am on, he probably had this underlying prejudice about women like myself all being weak. This anonymous internet friend also thought I was a heroin addict....I get very annoyed when people make that assumption purely because of what I do for a living, the amount of times I get asked by guys on the street could I score for them, I say score what (I know what they are going to ask - yawn) then I have to tell them I don't do it. Crack is another, it's often assumed I must be into that as well, the 'client' I had over the other night was into them and assumed I must be til I put him right. It is not only people with stereotypes but people who take those drugs themselves who assume I must do them, I must be into them.....the truth is I have grown to hate both, I'd not be unhappy never to see either again. This is not to slam anyone who does like them and can keep them under control, but not everyone does or can.......they just bring back too many unhappy memories for me.....The fact the street scene is so associated with them is one reason I don't want to be around it for long, if at all....but the internet is dead so what can I do for the time being? I have to earn, I have to live, and God help me I have to earn tonight! I managed to get something together last night but not enough.

But back to the point.....two months max and I wish to stop selling sex full stop. One reason is that the internet is too unpredictable to be a reliable way of making a living, I am not the kind of person who can cope well with the extremes of earning 2 grand almost in one week and then a measly two hundred the next......I told myself last time I would not do it, then I did blow my money on a good week, and after a bad couple I now have nothing, ten pounds to my name and debt to boot. Don't blame the drugs....I have come accross women who do this work who do not use, and find other ways of spending. One such I know had a booming week, then bought loads of clothes, even hired a limo for herself and her husband, then was skint the following week. Ok, so she didn't stick that money up her nose, but so what? Has she anything to show for what she earned, really, save for a few outfits she will probably rarely even wear? I am bad with money anyway, not being good at planning ahead. I have not totally given up on the internet, but it does not bode well. The indoor market is very intolerant of drug use, although the occasional sniff would be tolerated people who use to the extent I do wouldn't....but how does one know anyway? Nobody advertising there is going to openly admit to being a coke/crack/heroin addict are they? So fuck people and their judgements, and fuck snobbery in the rotten sex trade. There are women who advertise online who look down on streetwalkers, especially streetwalker who use drugs, working on the assumption that they are all disease spreaders willing to engage in bareback sex, and of course feeding the prejudice of clients, one of whom started a thread on the subject with a reference to a woman he had a bad experience with involving a crack pipe and saying 'I don't see why I should pay escort prices for a street girl'. Street 'girl', oh how I love the girl bit. Whores are always 'girls', never women, because in order to sexualise women men have to infantilise them, as young women are a favourite bedroom fantasy. These are the same men who start threads about picking up cheap prostitutes in Thailand, saying how much better value (i.e cheaper) they are than British sex workers, and how all those lovely guys could save their money by taking a trip to Asia - then they wondered why the women who advertise on that site (selling services) get offended!

But before I get back to the guys - ok so it is safer working indoors, yes it is less degrading, and customer by customer it is more expensive - but it is not a reliable income, it is harder than it once was, you have to work harder to earn, sit around all day waiting on clients who may never call or expect you to be ready at ten minutes notice, because they assume you are a brothel. Me, I want to at least try to enjoy the summer. So I will not sit indoors all day waiting for phonecalls that may never come, if I can get home and do it I will, if I can't, fuck it, if it means taking a walk in the evening I will. And pray in a few months all this shit will be over, that I can look at it like a bad dream. Please give me some comfort in the meantime, to stop me feeling the need to binge all the time, so at least I can build up and maintain once more, please. But you girls who advertise on that dumb site, stop thinking you are better than me because you would not even accept clients who see 'street girls', and how you are so frightened of disease - surely now you have heard of lubrication and rubber? Please don't demonise a segment of the industry that because it has more problems, sells more cheaply than you do - don't you think 'street girls' have enough problems without being looked down on by you - who are essentially no different because ultimately you do the same thing - selling sex. It aint a question of what you are - we've established that, we are only talking about prices and where. So fuck you lot as well, if you want to play up to men's stupid prejudice do so, but I won't join in that chorus. Fortunately there are a few exceptions on that site, namely the woman who pointed out it is the clients who are the hypocrites as a lot of them do see 'street girls' just of course don't say that to escorts - I personally have met clients on the street who also purchase sex from the internet. One of them recognised my username from that very site. Ok, so middle class women who get paid a grand a night by rich clients on top of getting free Peruvian flake to snort by these same guys may be wealthier, but inherently there is no difference between them and a street 'crack whore' who will give blowjobs for a ten pound piece of rock. It is a question of wealth and of level. In my view crack use is simply cocaine taken down to it's next level of abuse, a place I want to avoid being. That's why I get sick of being offered it on the streets. Made me laugh once when some smashed out guy referred to failing a drugs test in a methadone clinic, said there was 'crack' in his urine...I said doesn't he know as a long term drug user there is no such chemical as 'crack', 'crack' is just a street name for freebased, washed or cooked cocaine designed for smoking? Lol, and some people imagine that crack is actual purified coke, they truly believe it can't be bashed....earlier thread on that subject.

Back now....If anyone wonders why I am sometimes down on men - is it truly any wonder after what you read about some of the clients and their attitudes to women? I am sick to death of idiots who view women as pieces of meat, no more than sex objects. Such as the prick the other night.....who when I chatted with him on the phone to attempt to make peace after the event the first thing he talked about was wanting to fuck me, and despite my asking of him not to use the term he banged on about 'shagging brasses' and when I mentioned having had problems with my man he put it down to me being a 'brass', all me, nothing to do with men and their attitudes at all...well if it weren't for pricks like you there would perhaps be fewer 'brasses' as you so charmingly put it, so fuck you little pimp (the man who objected to that term because it implies lack of masculinity - according to him. Clearly he aint with it, the term is gangsta, trendy these days) I said if he must call me anything I'd rather he just call me a bitch, because at least that term has been reclaimed to use in a positive sense. I don't mind my man calling me a bitch, truly, because most of the time it is in jest and he knows I can take it.

Most of the clients are decent types, just lonely men in need of female company and an orgasm. What gives all men who purchase sex, and men full stop for that matter, are the one's I spoke of - who wish to visit Thailand to 'save money' on prostitutes, who won't pay 'escort prices' for 'street girls' etc. If anything, the men in my personal life have caused me more emotional pain than the clients - which is one of the main reasons I want to stop, as I shall explain.

But several bad clients in a row do not help....I had not one but THREE timewasters in a row from the internet..the first simply did not turn up, the second came in and bottled out after taking out his wallet, and the third booked an 11pm appointment last night which had I known he was not to show up I would've gone back out before my man came over. As it happened I waited for this twat so had less money than he expected. I went to the offlicence, told him I would try and get a client on the way back, and a few moments after I came back he had a call and had to leave. He told me he was coming back but he didn't, when I called asking where he was I said I thought he was coming back....he knows how badly I miss him, need him right now...

On one of my comments it was advised that I regain some control and stop seeing him....I suppose if I truly wanted to I could, but on a level I don't, I do still care for him, I do still have feelings....and they were not always this one sided.
What I do for a living has made the situation worse, or contributed to how it is - when money was tight it is true I did suggest it, as he was thinking of starting an agency but he did not want me working then, as I felt I was 'better than that'. Now he says he is saddened I don't fulfil my potential, I can do so more....I know this too. I want to have the chance to try though, and when I was supporting him when there was a draught this January I had no chance, I was paying him back credit while supporting him on top, leaving me with nearly a tenner left for essential items like food seeing as we had no drugs around. When they did come I paid for them, until he slowly got his shit together and nanaged to obtain his own gear again. He is no longer into the escort agency idea as having me so close while doing that work has put him off it, so does what I tell him about some of the guys.

I can give myself the chance to try, I will get the video chat up and running, and the phone chat. Those timewasters yesterday were listed on the site as bad clients who either did not show up or bottled out. The one who bottled out with me did so after removing his wallet, with the other woman he only got as far as the door - so maybe next time he books he may just go through with it! Some do bottle out for various reasons, fairplay, I just wished he had the decency to have compensated me for my wasted time. And what did not help was having my man on the phone who said 'I probaby made him uncomfortable by talking too much', to which I said it was no such thing, it was already a wind up as it was, so please. I was then told not to stress, just take a 'chill pill) which he knows I am lacking - while he has a few, and that he didn't want to be involved in the microcisms of my 'seedy little world' - sure, as if I did in his with his boys and all but I had no choice then, and that was the reason why he removed himself from it and stopped wanting half my earnings as it was not worth the headache. As if his boys have been worth my headache...

But back to the point...if it is not worth the headache for him - it is not worth the emotional cost on me. I can handle the work and the clients on a good day - what I cannot stomach is the timewasters, the idiot pimp from the other night texting me asking 'how much for oral without' according to him that would mean cumming in my mouth - no chance - I only let one man do that, and another from the brother of the woman who robbed my pills that time. First he said he wanted to take me for a drink, not shag me, to which I replied I was not up for it, that I had a man already etc. His next text was 'how much is it for a blow job' how quickly the mask slipped.

It is men with attitudes like that who annoy me, make my job harder than it has to be. But it is not only that. The most important thing is the man in my own life...it has lost much of his respect for me, along with compassion. I would not say he is a user, but he is prone to taking people and things for granted. He has fallen into the trap of seeing me as either a sex or money object....and God damn me for allowing this to happen to me. The only solution is to stop what I am doing, not because I hate the work but because it is costing me my personal life, if it has not done already. If there is any chance of repairing it stopping that kind of work must be part of the package. It is clear he just cannot handle it. You may say it should not be a question of whether or not he can handle but whether I can - the answer is that I could were I to have a partner who was supportive and understanding, would give me something more real than casual sex with stangers more often. He does not understand, and has too many of his own head problems to cope with mine over this job - hence why he stopped asking me to pay him. After the BJ incident one of his justifications for passing me to his mate as a favour was that I'd had a good week prior to that and he got 'nothing out of it'. I said that I would rather pay him rather than go through anything like that ever again, throwing panic attacks in front of a stranger because he had my keys, which I'd given to ensure he would come back and not leave me alone all night with that man. He knew that and said it was manipulation. I said no such thing - I was honest about why I gave him the keys. He said he wouldn't have left me alone with the jerk did he think he would hurt me...I said I didn't care that was not the point. Emotionally, mentally I said he had hurt me and obtained a sexual favour from me under false pretences. I will speak to him later and ask for the email of this guy so I can demand payment...seeing as he did not compensate me for it.

What I do has caused him to view me as a sex object he can pass back and forth, he even made jokes about selling me permanently to other men. Along with this, he goes off for weeks, comes back for a day or two, maybe three, then I only ever see him on flighting visits. I cannot do this bloody work single, that I do know. In order to be able to have cold sex with strangers for money I need the compensation of something real, someone who I can actually cuddle up to in bed, someone who does make me orgasm, someone I go with because I actually fancy or love, not for his money. This is what he was too dim to understand at times, despite my persistence in explaining. When I wanted sex with him and he was tired or could not be bothered he would ask me for why, I can always get sex, why didn't just a cuddle surfice and all. I explained why a million times, that sex with a stranger in return for money is miles away from sex with a partner, especially as I am a woman, sex with clients is nothing but work. I would then get interrogated about how it felt, did I get any enjoyment at all from it (I must get some) and also the assumption that I am a sex maniac, because while I am a prostitute why else would I be 'all over him like a rash?' I then pleaded with him to understand for the final time....the fact I desire to have sex with some men does not mean I desire to have sex with all. I do what I do to get by, not because I actually want to shag loads of men....but he assumed that still, I must get enjoyment out of it. I had to say that if there is ever any enjoyment it is not of that kind. Why else then, when he has sex with me do I not want him to stop, but I want them out as soon as possible.

I used to do webcamming, which ended up doing his head in. He wishes now I'd stuck to it as I do. Although I had suggested it once when we were short, he didn't want me to then. When he came over to the idea, I pleaded that I would not do it if it affected our relationship or gave him any upset. I said we had to talk about it, to which he said to simply do what had to be done. Some point after this started I noticed his attitude around me begin to change, and this co-incided with him hanging out with the misogynistic semi psychopathic Alex. Alex comes out of jail next week, a fact that is terrifying me already. If Jason wants to frighten me all he has to do is mention that man's name, who terrorised not only his ex girlfriend Mary but also myself in my apartment when I put her up there (Alex having caused her eviction in the first place). I am going to plead with him, for his own good, to keep Alex at a distance as not only is he a liability he seems to bring bad karma with him.

And I will stress to him my intention of stopping this work, saying from my heart that I cannot do it anymore. Some twats on the camera used to tell me I would 'make a lot of money escorting' to which I replied I knew but had a boyfriend who did not like it - to which one of them insensitively replied 'fuck him off then'. Another man told him to shut up and had I known how to have booted him out the room I would have done. There are women I know who do this work and hide it from their partners - me, I could never do that and can never. I could not live a double life like that and be so emotionally dishonest, the whole relationship would be based on a lie. It is rare to find men who would be willing to cope with having a partner who did such work in the first place, unless he is of course a pimp. This is why women resort to paying pimps, it is not only for protection but also emotional comfort, emotional security as much as physical. Essentially, they do what their own clients do - end up paying for affection that whilst it may not be totally fake is still based around a financial agreement. My man - I did not enter the relationship with the intention of making him into a pimp, he may have had his own ideas of being one, but then he had many business ideas, most of which came to nothing. But whatever the case was, he admitted that the thought of me being earning potential did cross his mind but he decided not to do that because he liked me and thought better of me. He tells me I asked him once if he would 'look after me' were I to do that - I couldn't remember.

It has all been too much for him, he has hated to see himself fail to maintain (something he always used to brag he could do, unlike others around him, me included) but the truth is he has never been able to maintain his habit, he has been in debt since I have known him. Perhaps relying on nothing else but the earnings of myself when I was streetwalking showed him he could not maintain. So his choice was not to look inward but project it outwardly - onto me. The macho pimp thing was one way of coping with all that, as not being in a position to support himself financially did make him feel less of a man Ever since then all his issues etc have been shaken off onto me, and I bear the cost, I pay the price for everything that goes wrong in his life, because I am an easy target for him to do that to, use me as his mirror. I have noticed the attitude of his friends towards me worsen as well. This did not begin the day I started doing that, but not really that long after, and it just went from bad to worse. He broke with me for a while....I wanted him back, on any terms, because I could not face that lonely, cold life alone. I said if he needed money I'd give it, and while he doesn't ask for any percentage off me it is me he tends to turn to if he is in the shit and I have had a good week. He can rarely afford to do the same for me now.

So I will tell him I am not giving up on him, despite the pain, just tell him not to give up on me, seeing as he so clearly hates what I have come to represent I shall cease to represent it and start again - and then I will be in a better position to help not only myself but him as well, I must make him see this. It is the only way I can see, the only thing I can do that may possibly put the relationship to rights. Otherwise it is doomed for sure. Now I have put this into writing I feel more positive. I hope he does see some of this - and does look at his own part in this, because so far it has all been my fault, I set myself up for all of it, I wanted to do the work, I wanted a pimp etc. Did I hell, I simply needed the money and I admit I cannot do that work on my own, single. Women who are strong enough emotionally to do so - good luck to you. I am not - without someone to be there for me when work is over I cannot do it, it is too much of a cold, lonely life. That is why I cry for him when he is not there. For, as he put it, there are men out there who are true predators, who would take everything. So if I wanted to stay in this work my only option would be to find another man who would be willing to 'look after me' as I cannot do it single. And right now I feel it is better the devil I know (whom I still love and feel for after all). Perhaps I can not do that work and not have to face the loneliness of being totally single either. Things can be how they used to be, and there won't be this constant need to binge. I can get out enjoy the summer (maybe sometimes with him, sometimes without, enjoy simple things and party weekends and maybe once or twice a week if I can afford, but I won't be greedy. I can focus more on the things I enjoy like music and writing, read a bit more on a quier night. He likes to read as well when he is calm. This is the kind of ending I would like to see.