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Monday, 15 March 2010

Violence, Stress, then Relief

Well, I now know the reason why somebody had not spoke to me all day yesterday. He owed some money to some violent men, not for the first time. Guess he has found some way out, but Jimmy couldn't bail him out this time. Apparently these motherfuckers work this way - they threaten you with a warning, which may take the form of a bullet in the knee or another injury. If the warning fails and you don't give them their money....they will blow your brains out and you'll be dead. These men are hard core serious criminals, violent deranged psychos who are a law onto themselves. If the men I myself know are scary at times.....well, these dudes are on a different level. Even Jimmy is scared of them, and he aint normally scared of anyone, I find him a scary man at times.....I don't wanna plumb the depths, but the thing you get credit off these guys and sniff what you are supposed to pay them back.......that's what happens, they give you so long before the warning before the warning before...bang, to sum it up. I've probably spoken about this before and there is no need to describe it more, but this time it seems it was not Jason's fault he got into debt with these guys, something happened where he lost money, drugs or both the same time that gram of mine went missing last week due to someone else ripping him off, and I lost out in the process.

I wondered what the hell was wrong yesterday, I knew when he came and asked if I had any money he could borrow, knowing I had earned and all...he said little on the phone but told me what it was when he got here....he didn't give me a lift to those jobs because he was out of town hiding from these guys. It was lucky Jimmy did go home quickly and manage to give me that coke or that job would've been hard work....a long time. But back to the point....Sunday Jimmy made out Jason weren't there while he hid in the wardrobe from these guys who went round the place to look for him. It all sounded bloody scary and a good reason not to fuck up.....and I worry about unpaid bills etc, better to owe money to companies etc rather than loons like that with weapons and all. Bailing my man out cost me the sum of two hundred pounds, he owed them in total £250 but they were content with what they had, thank God. He would pay me back not in cash but in coke, and he kept his word there. I said I'll help hiim out if he put money in the bank so I could pay for an ad in the paper this week all he had to do was watch my back and give me lifts here and there, although it is a darn site safer than walking the streets which I hope I never have to do again, as it means encountering scumbags and putting myself at risk of an untimely and violent end myself. In theory I could do the ad myself, but I don't want him to be broke any more than I like being broke myself.

Meanwhile there is the nice guy in the background (who is actually an exception to most people I've known, a nice drug dealer), saying I should be with him instead etc, not understanding why I keep going back to someone who has put me through so much pain in the past........I know and understand myself but not everybody does understand the dynamics. Jason himself thinks I enjoy drama to some extent....and the truth there is that I don't really know.....I don't enjoy it on a conscious level, a lot of the time I feel a just want a peaceful life, but then I don't want boredom either.....but there is more to it than that. At the end of the day I feel we understand each other, despite how fucked up the situation is many's hard to describe connections that may be one sided to an extent but to a degree mutual, hell, he had me to turn to at the end when things went wrong so it was pretty much his good luck that I earned. I don't resent it, hell, I hope he'd rather not see me dead. I just hope he knows....I have been feeling let down by a lot of people lately, there are few one can rely on all the time. As for the ad in the paper he was supposed to call them when he had placed the money there today, but he promised to do it first thing this morning, having spoken with them before and all.....I just hope it does go in for Wednesay, and as I'll advertise as independent not as an agency this time I should hopefully get a decent response as a new face or relatively can't run any agency with only one person, and there had not been enough work for even run something like that you need to invest a fair amount of money and market it quite heavily else your workers will not get enough bookings and you yourself will be short....he did not have the money or the knowledge to invest in anything like that, which some of the potential employees maybe saw.

If things pick up at least he can relax a bit and then so can I as well. I have promised I will work on it, so by the summer I may be a happier person and so may he was a relief for him to get that debt out of the way and I was relieved myself, and ok he did sort me out. I may not otherwise have bought all that coke, but I have made it last, managing to get a decent amount so the night does not end in frustration when I am alone.....I'll do it like that now on as I have long been intending to, it is stupid paying for over priced coke when the deals are smaller simply because they are cheaper. You probably notice I've said nothing about consumption etc.....because I don't want to keep making myself promises etc, I know now that it depends largely on my state of mind and that of those around me.....Jason says he finds it easier to be around me when I am relaxed but I pointed that he should know I cannot be relaxed while he is stressed to pieces and doing my head in, that is what makes me freak out and it is healthy for nobody, it aint no good for a working relationship or any kind for that matter.

Got one call earlier but that was it, still better than nothing and I hope the rest of the week works out, hope to God it does cos I get sick of having my hopes build up, leading to a false sense of security on my part and have things go wrong again. Meanwhile his mate Jimmy is taking a more active role in all that which should give him some breathing space.....then maybe we'll have some money to be able to enjoy ourselves again, I won't be here lonely and upset about a man who is stressed/depressed at either running around paying debts off or simply wanting to be alone and he himself will be in a better frame of mind to want to see me. And I will make the effort to catch up with some other people too, as I keep telling them.


  1. Your'e doin' it hard girl, but damn, you're doin' it good. You stick to that unflappable moral code and no-one gets in your way. More strength to you!

  2. I tried to reply here earlier, it was fairly long then things went wrong damn....and I hadn't copied it as I normally do. Indeed it aint always easy but at least I try....and yes, I do have a moral code which sadly not everyone in this life has....some people would do anything for money, hurt others for it, steal off their friends etc. I hurt nobody or try not to, only way I have let people down is through owing money, which I feel bad for......but shit, at least I have a conscience about that.

    Thanks for your you can imagine I feel a bit isolated at times cos of my lifestyle etc, never feeling I truly 'belong' anywhere - but I've always felt like that to some extent. Partly why I wish I'd see more of him but as you can see the man has a lot of problems.

  3. Well, yes, that may be so but keeping that fine line between care for someone and total immolation in their problems is a fine one. No, it's a blurry and muddy one, because I have been where you are in a sense.
    I reckon we all belong. If not in that wheel of life crap, at least in knowing we belong to those who don't feel they belong. I certainly feel a member of that group at times.
    Besides, most of the time who would in their right mind wish to belong to self-approbating, ethical cretins?
    I do hope it does come to an agreeable and workable thing between you both...