I have to say I am a little worried about my fellow blogger Fake Plastic Masochist, she hasn't written for a few weeks. I hope she is ok.
Meanwhile I had a look at Silky's other blog and added it to my list, interestingly she wrote a comment there about the void syndrome that I often write about, the void within myself needing filling and all.....men don't always seem to understand it, or at least have less of an understanding of it, which can make them appear self sufficient. This does not mean by any stretch that they always are, but they can do a good job of appearing such - the need for company does not translate into the void syndrome and vice versa, it is something deeper than that.....which means I am unable to find what I need or seek from within. It is true that I have an inner strength that enables me to get through adversity, but this doesn't change my need for.....whatever.
Men tell me I am over sexed, I don't know if I am or not, does having a higher than average libido make one over sexed? I have only ever come accross one man whose sex drive was about equal to mine....which was probably the only thing that held that shitty relationship together. Come to think of it, he was quite feminine in some ways....
I promise I shall catch up reading all your blogs when I have the time, I've looked at a few but not all of them yet.
Had a bit of a bad day yesterday but will get on to that in a bit....
Things have been ok with Jason lately now we seem to have reached some kind of an understanding. He says the kind of thing we have in some ways feels right in other ways wrong, I feel that kind of thing too but don't always openly express it. Understanding another person's madness, feeling warmth and all is good but a shared madness can be a destructive thing as well, which may be why we can sometimes be bad for each other. As we broke up for a few weeks he hadn't stayed for ages and I'd missed him, partly why I was so down. When I am less depressed I am less inclined to go on destructive binges, I hope all sorts itself soon so I can get more jobs from the phone and not rely on the damn street, as it has been cold as well I hate it more then, and it makes it quieter.
I felt under pressure yesterday cos I was expecting someone to come down from London with someting that was apparently 90% to 100% pure cocaine, a rarity these days. Legal highs/bathtub productions are being sold that is in fact the same or better than the average quality of street coke these days. But people accept rubbish, they are so used to bad quality they accept anything. One guy I know by accident sold one of his customers something that was pure benzocaine - they did not notice and went back for more. The people who sold me that bashed up stuff imagined I was the same, in spite of what I had said about my relative sophistication with the drug. I've seen people in pubs, streets, give me lines of 100% bash, doing it themselves saying it is so great - they must be feeling some placebo affect that has never worked on me. Guess I am lucky to have relatively good contacts or I would not know any different from the average rubbish that is out there.
But to sum it up this guy with the flake did not emerge. Jason owed some violent dude money (again) I had nothing myself to help him so I ended up going with him to pawn his laptop so he could pay the guy off. The phone was dead as always, I tried making an early start of it but in the meantime tried to see if anyone would cash a cheque for me, I'll go down the pawnshops again this afternoon and see if they will do it - one of them stopped for a while when my overdraft was exceeded, but now that is back in order they might just agree to cash a couple if I show them the statement which says what my overdraft limit is. If not I will try the other shop, I might be able to raise enough for a gram or two plus leave myself with enough to enjoy my weekend. One of my customers said he'd drop round at some point that he's back in town today - I bloody hope he does show as I need the money.
I have had some awful trouble with BT that I don't even want to go into the details of here....but my night was fucked from the beginning due to those cunts who have messed me around for days regarding an outstanding bill, some of which has been paid. Indian call centres are useless, they were misleading me, telling me I'd be reconnected when I wasn't - I eventually got through to an English woman who told me they wouldn't normally reconnect me til I paid more of the charge, but as I had been misled and promised she did so. Later on that same night some bitch from the same Indian call centre phoned me while I was out trying to work and starting threatening to disconnect me again, asking if I could pay fifty pounds on the spot. I told her I couldn't and besides she had caught me at a bad time while I was out working trying to pay her stupid bill. As from next week I'm changing over to TalkTalk as they are offering a better deal and a faster connection too. BT can rot. I then got another text from debt collectors, police pulled by, it was freezing cold and all.
The last straw came when a cheapskate client offered me thirty pounds for anal, a service I do not offer anyway. I walked away from that car in tears, swallowed two valium when I got home with some strong beer and simply crashed out for four hours. It was too late then to earn, in my nullification I had missed a couple of phone calls too damn (why that phone never rings when I am conscious is sods law it seems). I called Jason and he said the flake thing had not happened anyway, I said nothing had happened my end, he said it was probably for a reason. He wasn't around last night anyway, so perhaps there was something looking out for me, call it what you will.......
I hope he gets his arse into gear so he can take those pictures of me as he promised to do for that site I advertise on, that should attract more attention. Nobody gains this way. I don't want to rely on all this forever but my options right now are limited - how else can I get instant cash, to pay my damn bills besides getting high? And the truth is I don't mind working relatively safely from home, it is just those streets that are doing my head in, especially when it means encountering the type of scumbags I had all that trouble with last week. Every week we pray things will get better, but we have to make some effort or put some investment in - else there is no point complaining about not having enough money when you only have yourself to blame. I may live a risky lifestyle but so does he with the men he associates with and all.........if we want to live less of a risky lifestyle we have to put the effort in to achieve that. When he was down on me I got blamed for holding him back, it took a few weeks away from me to see the only person holding him back was himself, just as it is me and only me who holds myself back, I can't pass all the blame onto the men in my life......
One of his little dreams was opening an art gallery. The premises he thought of renting were let.....and the tenant turned the place into....a gallery! Is that irony or what?
As promised I will write some more later on the scam that is the prohibition racket and the 'treatment' industry......but must get on for now.
3 years ago