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Friday, 26 March 2010

Rain

I don't mind sex work....what I hate is the streets. I have cried at the thought of it....it drove me to a near breakdown...but when I am desperate....

The kindness of strangers....may one show some kindness to me soon so I need not stand, degrade myself in the rain begging for it. I know some people don't like me writing about all this...but I talk to nobody, I bottled all this up during the months when the lights were going down and the party was beginning to end....

It has been a shit week, would've been slow anyway....but a client stole my phone on Monday. Seen a few guys but not enough, the mother fucker has cost me.........And what I had I binged, as I do when I am anxious or pressured......if that had not happened even two more phonecalls would have saved me from this....who hates me up there?

I swore I won't go on the streets again to earn a cheap fix at the cost of my potential safety and earning the contempt of all men...it is the end of the month...please, this is the monster within now. It hit me in the face the other day.....if I am content enough I can modify. I have been troubled and I have a 2 to 4 gram a day habit...when I cheered up the other week I modified, but not now. So something give, please, either bring me a ray of light or just take the pain away....

Meanwhile, may all who know me take it easy on me, may God be forgiving and men be kind....please....keep the snakes away. I felt positive last summer, I had hopes then....I was just maybe too complacent that it would tick on....I made mistakes, this running around in circles could have been avoided...stupid, stupid me! Those around me have made mistakes too....but I make my own decisions.

What will save me now from the depths of despair....I could be relaxing had it not been for ill luck, but no, something up there has it in for me.....ok I have learnt my lesson I will never be complacent again I will pay my debts ok, just please....this has not helped me.....It has stressed me and made things worse, I could have learnt by other means than this....

But never again will I fret over nothing or small things, I just wish people who do stress and fret over pathetic things take heed from me and realise some people have real problems, it puts things in perspective at least.....sending me an email with the words 'I despair' because they blew their father's inheritence....well my parents are fucked up enough to be in credit, I have no such safety net to rely on....no inheritence to blow, ok? Investing money in property and it going wrong, spoilt rich kids are the worst...oh hell.....This person asked me to restore his faith in human nature, but who is going to restore my faith in anything? It aint up to me to restore anyone's faith in anything....apart from up to me to restore my own equilbrium, and who will help me do that?

4 comments:

  1. My dear, I know exactly what you are going through, because this is how I've been living on and off for quite a while, and now I'm back to working on the streets full-time. No money, no job prospects, unable to afford training for a job: so I've had to go back to street prostitution in order to survive. I used to enjoy street hooking; I thought it was exciting, and sometimes it still feels that way. But not so much anymore. It's dangerous and degrading.

    I feel for you, and I'm on your side.

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  2. Thank you Silky...at least somebody knows what I am going through. It is horrible...because I feel and I know I am worth more, and so are you...but we need to survive. What can I do if the phone is not ringing, I have done all I can...I have no prospects either. Perhaps my writing will save me one day but it can't happen over night. What saddens me the most is when people I have helped despise me for it....I wish life would be kinder to me, and people more forgiving.

    I used to find it exciting for a little while...but not now. I've had it before, that initial excitement wears off after a while..I hope something gives today so I don't have to resort to that.....I can only sit tight for so long.

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  3. I have no idea what you are going through. I really hope things look up and you get that ray of light.

    Hugs
    lucy x

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