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Friday, 26 March 2010

NEIL YOUNG - HEART OF GOLD (1971) - HQ

I know this feeling........I can play this a little bit, though not that good. In case you wondered why I haven't posted much...there are a few things have gone wrong here too upsetting for me right now.....Some of which I can't share here, or choose not to for my own reasons.....I just feel at times I am jinxed, or everyone around me is...I know I fuck up. I know I make mistakes and should learn....but not everything is under my control, there are things I can do nothing about....I've learnt to be complacent about nothing.

I have to stay relatively positive, pray that things will get better.

God, if you exist, please....have mercy on myself and those around me, I beg. I had a death wish when I was younger...you kept me alive, so I decided to try to enjoy it and still want to. Ok, I didn't learn to stop or slow down when the party was over....I am self indulgent, I know my faults. I know I have to do something, so I have had the kick up the arse, right? A lot of my friends have gone, not due to anything I have done but their own problems....when I say 'gone' I don't mean dead but just away....the fact I haven't been out much lately has made me isolated, and I am not really that kind of person, at least not now. Can you not see I become more self destructive when I am hurting, that this is not helping me? If times are hard and I am in such pain I just blow my money on a bag of coke because it at least makes me feel somewhat better. I told myself I will never walk the streets again and put my life at risk....but desperation drove me to it when I felt I was losing everything. Ok, it was to support a habit....but take away the only enjoyment I felt I had at the time (and still bloody do?)

Ok, sniffing alone in binges is sad, pathetic.....a prime example of a middle class brat gone wrong. My father tried to better himself...he grew up in the slums, had an abusive childhood and thought fighting his way out of poverty could change everything. My roots are white trash turned aspiring middle class.....I am downwardly mobile...but maybe it was the instinct they taught me of self preservation that has made me stay alive so far.....a posh accent gets you somewhere, and although I went to a crap school my parents tried to ensure I would have a wealthy husband, a great career, and probably a few horses by now. I have become what daddy always said I would be if I did not do what he told me....a whore, 'trollope' who takes drugs and fucks men for money or drugs. Self fufilling.

Daddy's little princess....or the monster who never was meant to be - one extreme or another. His mobility did not bring him happiness, nor did learning to talk posh. He is a bitter old man, who has blown all his money, had nothing to leave his princess who is likely to die a pauper. I don't even have any kids, so I couldn't even please ma with grandchildren...and I am unlikely to have any and don't want them...selfish maybe but that is so.

I promise, if there is any power that is listening.....please, please. I never want to have to walk the streets again....I've been taught not to be complacent. What is my great crime? Ok, if we lived in a perfect world...but life is not perfect. I've made lonely men happy......don't do this to me. I look for something within but find the void.......If things tick over ok for me I am less stupid and destructive. Hell, I could be relaxing now. I know my weakness but please don't make me pay any greater price, I have learnt my lessons....

Perhaps I am the living embodiment of all that is wrong in our society. Someone referred to cocaine as a 'white whore' - well, I guess I look like cocaine then. My ex boyfriend equated me with cheap coke and said I am what I put up my nose.....90% crap, 10% good but he kept coming back...well, I get better stuff than that nowadays, at least I keep my sense of humour about me lol. More later....

5 comments:

  1. I like that song too ... what more to say? Best wishes >:)

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  2. Honey, you are not the living embodiment of all that is wrong in society. Dishonest, disrespectful and selfish people are is what is wrong.
    You my friend show me what needs to be 'right' in society. Sensitive, self reflective, self deprecating and willing to share your take on the world and how you cope with it all.
    I do like that Young song incredibly as well. Some beautiful lines in it..

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  3. Thank you Dan for your kind words....For some reason I get a bit tearful when people are kind to me as so many just judge me for what I do, what I am etc...it is nice to find people who are compassionate and aren't quick to judge, people with empathy....they can be rare these days. I try not to be dishonest but I will confess to blagging things from time to time for my own ends, I won't say I am totally above that though it is not an element of myself that I like...and I can be selfish at times but so can most people I guess. And true I am not disrespectful towards others......

    I suppose I am the other things you mentioned, if anything I can perhaps be a little too sensitive. I did think about blogging all this as I needed an outlet for it...but it was on a drugs and alcohol forum it was suggested to me and I thought I might as well....seeing as I got slammed on that forum for writing quite long rants, being attention seeking....and I got called worse things...'coked up slut' was one term I remember...not that it hurt me, hell I have heard it before....

    Not everyone understands my self deprecation, I have been told by a few friends that I shouldn't describe myself as a 'coke whore' or 'coke tart'.....but then I explained the reasons why I do it. In themselves they are somewhat derogatory tems while being on some level descriptive....self deprecation need not equate with 'putting oneself down' and such, it's just a way of making light of one's situation if it be far from ideal.

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  4. You got it, self deprecatory actions are those that make us reflect upon what we do and look at things from the outer. It makes us better people to take the piss out of ourselves on occasion.
    Hmmm...'coked up slut' eh? Must've come from someone as charming as a beanbag.
    Thanks for acknowledging my comments and being honest about how you feel about positive comments. I can get the same at times, having had to deal with my own slings and arrows.
    Believe me, it does get easier and believe me, I will continue to acknowledge the brilliant take you have on not only yourself but all the mopes who surround us...

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