As from April the 10th, it will be a criminal offence to pay for sex with anyone who is being 'controlled for financial gain'. As I work mainly indoors now these laws shall not affect me so much as streetwalkers (and I've been doing my damndest to avoid the street) but still.....The laws could well put clients off visiting women who work for agencies. I advertise as an independent escort, so it will be less likely to affect me, but I am still furious. The definition - 'controlled for financial gain' is so broad to cover many things. Seen in it's bleakest light it could apply to me, as sex workers who use drugs were mentioned in the bill, and of course there are other implications in regards to my own situation.
The wording of the bill was so patronising that it stated - 'streetwalkers are not engaging in that profession by choice' - and addiction was mention as one factor that nullifies any aspect of choice. Now that is downwhat ridiculous - to take drugs, be it recreational or habitual is a choice, and addiction is a choice on some level, as I have stressed on this blog many times. There are other ways one could support a habit other than prostitution, but that was and is the way I chose for various reasons, I refuse to take the victim stance. And yes, I have walked the streets, not an ideal place, I will freely admit that I prefer working from home, but when times have been difficult I have worked on the streets. And there was a level of choice, I could have chosen to sit it out, suffer, be skint and not have my drugs....but I did not choose that option. They said that customers who pay streetwalkers are only financing drug dealers, criminals etc....well, as I have explain a lot of streetwalkers have pimps because they want them, and they spend their money on drugs because they choose to, nobody forces them to buy drugs, nobody has ever forced me.
Middle class moralisers...once again fuck off.
Meanwhile I had a very bad weekend...partly due to my own mistakes, partly due to it being near the end of the month and things being quiet anyway, and partly due to the fuck ups of other people. It has cost me dear. I promised myself last week that I would not buy over priced cocaine due to the fact the deals are small....but because I lacked funds, I had gone too far earlier in the week by bingeing, and ended up in debt. I cannot obtain large amounts on credit, but due to my impatience and misery it cost me. Now fortunately I did have a booking tonight so I was able to stop tearing my hair out - and hearing about that new bill stressed me to pieces, but I need more. £90 of what I earned (it was £160 in total tonight) covers what I owe. Did I owe nothing I would be able to get what I wanted, but I can't until I make more money, and bear in mind I have living expenses to deal with.
A friend of mine stressed me the other day about problems which are far removed from mine (but still self inflicted in their own way) that it caused me indirectly to lose money. I put this guy up for £25 a month in return that he helped me with a deposit, he decided to move out and wants his deposit back. He knows it will have to be in installments, and ok I did let him down a few times....but take into account how I helped him out, the stress I dealt with while he lived here (as he got neurotic over such petty things such as losing a guitar plectrum...like so fucking what I have lost plenty of plectrums, some people do have real problems for heavens sake) and other things. I am a person who is liable to get stressed myself, but I had to tell him several times not to panic, fret, not to be so damn negative etc but he never listened. I can really do without that shit, I have my own fucking problems to deal with as he knows very well, or should know. But he forgets that - another person with his head up far to high where the sun will never shine. I am sick of all that. Ok so he has been a friend in many ways, but the chips have been down for me as much as for him. Stressing me over the weekend in regards to what I owe did nobody any favours....it resulted in his stress rubbing off on me, me getting my phone wet (and while I tried to fix it I no doubt lost a few calls).
I learn too well by my expensive mistakes, and those of others. I wish he could bloody appreciate that in my life one small mistake can lead to one whole bloody downward spiral I have been doing my damndest lately to avoid....but he does not understand my world and makes no effort to, it seems.
I had a nice evening Thursday with the person I had been missing for a while...it is a shame the weekend turned out so lousy. Oh well, I saw some good advice that said to stop beating myself up and regretting past losses, just to focus on what I need to do now. That is advice I intend to take, and once the ball is rolling and things tick over I should never again find myself in the situation I was in last night and the night before, which ended in me crying in the rain on a Saturday night, in debt and miserable.
Next week is a new week.....let's hope things get better for me...and those around me, because if they are not happy neither am I. My moods are more dependent on those of those I hold dear to me than vice versa at times, it can be pretty one sided...but still. I hope nobody lets me down, especially those who I have done my best never to let down. Please, be nice to me, help me and I can help you, hinder me and I will only be a 'deadweight', no good to anyone else or to myself for that matter. It is mutual, I cannot be constantly there for people I cannot always rely upon, especially when their mistakes cost me as much as themselves. The money I have lost partly due to my own stupidity and partly due to others can make me cry to think about it...but I am sick of crying, I have done enough of that this weekend.
Later I will have a story to tell you about from years ago, but for now I'm gonna get some much needed sleep.
Goodnight everyone, or good morning rather, and please those who support me do your best to act against that stupid bill if you can...which made me cry earlier as I stressed about my livelihood being affected. Let me never have to walk the streets ever again......on occasion there are decent clients but more often than not lately there have been cheapskates with a bad attitude, inclined to be disrespectful, and I am sick of them. Nine times out of ten the clients on the phone and internet are decent types...the other types, those who see me as an object, a piece of dirt can fuck off along with the politicians who want to do them for being the sexual predators they are at heart. My opposition to the bill has nothing to do with any sympathy on my part towards these type of guys...if I thought having them done would bring any benefit to my life or to the lives of sex workers in general I would probably have some degree of sympathy to it. But it will have the reverse effect, and labelling women like myself as hapless victims controlled by predatory men who control us for financial gain, by the use of drugs and other methods does my self esteem wonders (not). I take drugs because I choose to, and only allow people into my life who I want to be there. End of.
3 years ago