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Monday, 29 March 2010

Hard Times...

I fucking hate this weather in some ways...but in other ways it fits my state of mind, when I am down I actually feel more comfortable when it rains....if I am miserable within then good weather will not cheer me, only a change in my circumstances will.

There are things some people wonder if they wish to cast stones, so to speak. Firstly, I want to lie the myth to rest that I do what I do purely to support a drug habit...anybody who has ever tried surviving soley on welfare will know it is not a nice place to be...there is no way you can pay your bills, live and still have fun. As for the charities that help people on welfare budget their money. George Orwell once wrote that it is slightly insulting to firstly condemn people to living on a pittance then having the nerve to tell them how they should spend this pittance, a view I have sympathy with.

It is bad enough during a recession, there is not much work around for anyone right now, but someone like myself, who has little formal education, no job prospects at all finds their options all the more limited....'getting a job' that pays a liveable wage is harder than one assumes when one has my issues to deal with on top of the pure practical circumstances, and I get sick of people assuming all my problems are drug related when they are not. Before I ever used drugs I was more of a nervous wreck than I am today. And others have stupidly assumed that having good looks is the answer to it all, a common thing I have heard from stupid clients is the question that I am attractive, why do I do it an everything.

It is a vicious circle I am in at present...when I feel like this I lack the motivation to earn. As to the way I feel right now, I know there is only one thing that will make me feel better but I will only be able to obtain it when I earn. The thing is the miserable weather out is not conducive to earning, even from indoors, the phone tends to be dead when it rains as well as the streets being dead.

I was just going to comment on one of Kim's posts (Ice Age Heat Wave) when the explorer crashed, I don't know why but a few sites seem to make it happen, this computer needs checking out. But the post was about comedowns. I related entirely as this is where I am all the time, a cycle of ups and downs that won't stop, an endless merry go round. Perhaps it will get to the stage when I tire of it and slow down if not get off the roundabout totally....but this only tends to happen when I am happier, else I feel why bother, if drugs are the only thing I can rely on, the only thing I do feel in control of somewhat, the only thing that at times even gives me a purpose.....cos the truth is I don't have much else right now. I am not a happy or a particularly well bunny.

Ok, I freely admit substance abuse is a choice, a way one chooses to deal with things...right now I am not particularly enthusiastic or interrested in learning new ways if the truth be told, and these other ways just don't always least you know the drugs will work most of the time....

I just don't like feeling I am on a road to nowhere, and am hoping that my creative skills will perhaps save me one day from the abyss.

I hate feeling like a stereotype of a downtrodden whore...the truth is I don't always meet it but right now.....

People assume also that the fact I am not stupid or ugly should make finding and maintaining relationships easy, and they are dead wrong there. If I am in kind that is going badly meeting other guys is not on my mind anyway, I don't even want to. Secondly, the truth is that my lifestyle is a big barrier too, I doubt many normalish guys will find the prospect of dating someone like me appealing, not because I am a bad person but because my problems will enter their world. And I don't want to be supported by someone else, it's sometimes been suggested to me that I find a guy with money to use as a meal or drugs ticket...I don't want to give up my indepedence either, even if I was to have feelings for such a person. What I do causes issues in any relationship, having to prove that I am not unfaithful in my heart etc..... Despite what somebody may at times think I have never asked for a saviour in my life....I just want things to stop being so one sided all the time is all I want, feeling like nobody gives a damn. Perhaps this is nobody's fault, maybe nobody is here for me because they cannot be, perhaps it is not a question of wanting or not wanting to be just not being able.

I feel like I am being punished for I don't know what....there are times I feel nobody is worth all this pain and despair, but other times I don't think my suffering can even be traced to any one thing or person. The drugs are easy to blame, and I don't hold them solely to blame. It is also easy to blame somebody else of other people...and although people may hurt me and do it is only because I let them, so I know I am my own worst enemy at heart. It just sucks struggling through something alone when I'd rather not is all, why is that so hard for some people to understand.

I don't want to be a self pitying wreck and a shadow of my former self....I will get through this and pull myself up, on my own if I have to...I just wish it didn't have to be on my own. My friends are not here when I need them most, when it seems I have always been here for everyone else, so I do feel a sense of 'why' a sense of injustice maybe....Am I truly insufferable? I know I go on a bit and have my faults but am I really such a nightmare? The way I feel right now I will be no good to anyone so I have to find the will and reason to go on. Money can't buy genuine affection but it buys some things...else why do I feel that if I had two grand in my pocket everyone would be over here like lightening? That's why I found what my friend said about sexual favours in return for drugs so ironic as the man he was talking about truly doesn't feel like it all that much, more likely I am to be the one who does these days is the truth. While some men pay me it does not mean all do. While people may pay me for my time I feel at times I have paid others in a sense, all relationships are parasitic in some way and the truth is things are as parasitic from my side as they are from anyone else's......maybe the way I conduct things or end up conducting them just makes explicit what is implicit or unsaid in most relationships anyway, God knows. Meanwhile I am going to have a break from analysing the reasons why I am hurting, either just wallow or make the effort to find a way of stopping myself from hurting.....right now I am inclined towards the latter option.

Even if the respite is temporary it will be better than none...I'll find someway of dealing with this in a way that is perhaps more lasting, and save getting high for weekends....I'll find a way but I am so down at present it feels an effort to even do anything, life looks shit and bleak every way I look right now, however I look.....

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