I feel a bit better now....but yesterday I felt disgusted with myself and with life. I sometimes feel I should never get my hopes up when I believe things are changing for the better, something always happens to fuck things.....I always feel I have spoken too soon, and saying things are improving etc seems at times to jinx them and my life.
People might think all the stresses of drug users are self inflicted, and I'd be the first to admit that they often are. If one wants to do what we do they have to be able to handle the bad as well as the good, the downs as well as the ups etc, as I keep telling myself. I sometimes ask, as the downs can be so rotten if the ups are truly worth it....and they must be else I wouldn't continue chasing them so much. Occasional users don't get this shit, just people who use regularly like me.
I no longer know what to believe....but a situation occurred the other night which brought to mind the movie 'gaslight'. If only I had just stuck with a gram and cooled down, not ever rang him for another, all that shit never would have happened, or at least had I made the man give me the product before he left my flat none of this would have happened. I would still be in pocket, I would not be broke. The joke is I was making money, doing well, but it had gone, all gone and I was in bits, not only over the way I handled the fucked up situation but breaking my heart over him, again, yet again. Or I could have just taken three on offer to begin with, which would have ultimately cost me less than what I ended up spending, and I would have had a relatively good time rather than the night ending in tears and not been flat broke. Stupid, stupid of me, it was decent stuff so I need not have caned it all, could've saved some for the next day and then I would not have been in bed in tears all day. Fuck. This is why I have not written for a little while, and why my take on the 'treatment' scam has not been done yet. It will be coming.
Some calculations need to be done here.....but to begin with Wednesday night was fucked, totally, business had died and my money has gone, I was hopeful enough to think I would not have to go back on the streets. Fortunately I got a customer last night so I didn't, and I am not buying any more drugs til I get at least two more.
I admit I handled the situation badly. I like to think he did not do what he did on purpose, I don't like to believe him capable of stooping that low.
I was broke at the beginning of the week. I need to go to citizens advice bureau concerning a dispute in regards to council tax. Meanwhile social security refused me a loan on the grounds that I do not claim welfare, when I do. To be honest I hate claiming it, and were my income more reliable I wouldn't...I'd just go as self employed, but it is a security net I need right now. People on welfare are often judged....but someone like myself claiming it while sniffing coke and shagging men to do so...is the scum of the earth in the eyes of the straight world. They work long hours can't afford to do what I do and I dare to take expensive drugs while they work their arse off to live or feed their brats? My answer to that is simple...if your straight job is so stressful, don't do it. My lifestyle is there if you want it, if you have a phone line, and hey, there is always a corner to stand on! They would blanch if I said then and come out with some moralising shit....at which point I'd just say...my point proven. This aint really about money, fairness etc but other issues. Perhaps you'd like to get easy money but don't have the bottle to....fine. But please don't look down on me because I do have the bottle and how I spend my money is my business, if you can't afford to get high or don't want to it aint my problem. So again, fuck off squares.
The other night, when things went wrong, a pair of them tried to drive me off facebook because they know what I've done for a living and the fact I speak my mind makes them hate me. These bitches said 'get off this site and give everyone a break' - like these idiots are 'everyone'? And I was mad, attention seeking, serious mental health issues all that crap, and my posts make them 'cringe'. Don't read them then you bitches, I don't force you. But I've blocked them so I am spared the misery of being reminded of their pathetic existences and vice versa. I could see their game , finding it funny to pick on someone they think weaker them, a woman they know to at least have been a sex worker who they know has mental health issues, taken drugs, and they think it hilarious to get a rise out of me, have nothing better to do...so how sad straight life must be, glad I have more to occupy myself than harrassing someone over a computer. I evidently, to them, 'promote prostitution' - now I do no such thing just say how it is from my perspective, I doubt anyone who has read my blog and has more than one brain cell could accuse me of doing that. But these judgemental types, narrow minded etc are often so thick that if you differ from their 'prostitution is always evil' thesis you must therefore be promoting it and implicitly supporting white slavery, financial exploitation etc. Fuck that, for people who see in black in white and are colour blind when it comes to shades of grey.
Now before Tuesday, when I got paid, I was broke. I believed I would have money to put an ad in the paper, I was sad when it was too late (and that again was down to him having the number, him not telling me he had no credits on the phone to call them on time as he said he would. Want something done properly, do it yourself, I only get him to put it there to help him so he gets his commission from answering the calls... I cried at the prospect of walking the streets again, but to my surprise after adding some new pictures business picked up again from the internet.
Money easily earnt can be easily spent, but when things get this bad I know something has gone terribly wrong. I was making money and was still able to get high on top - and actually keep a profit for myself! Things could not be better. Ok, so the man in my life had not been spending each and every night with me but we had a couple of good nights, his visits being more than fleeting and without the company of his buddies.
But to get back to the point this is what happened. I truly would have had enough to have taken a night off and gone to the pub. I would have made money earlier had Jason been bothered enough to take those pictures of me, but he did take them eventually and I posted them on the internet. This was Tuesday. Now I made money Tuesday night, I had three well paying customers, one paid me £140, another £100, and another paid £120. Now that makes £360 in total.
I spent the first £100 on two grams of coke, but still had £140 in my pocket. Then I saw the other guy, which meant I had £260. It all went.
I got a gram off him for fifty, he said he'd do me one more for fourty pound more or two for seventy. Not wanting to be a total fiend I only got one but I thought what the hell I'd get one more save a bit for the next day, so I still had £160 in my pocket. He came round very quickly and there did seem to be a misunderstanding. I gave him the money, and somehow I misunderstood and believed it was not on him, he had to go get it. He said he was rushed but be back, possibly to stay over. So I thought great, we'd have a good time later. I did not know the product was on him all the time and he forgot to give it to me.
The lesson here is to be vigilant - I must make sure everything is understood. I don't want to believe he did this on purpose - who would want to think the man they love capable of playing the role of the guy from 'gaslight' or 'Bitter Moon' or anything that involves nasty head games......but the truth is he is scatty. He has never forgotten before, but something or other he said did give me the impression he needed the money before he got it....which leaves that niggling thing at the back of my mind did he lie to me....as I know he is greedy with money, but not normally dishonest, or not to that extent. But the longer I dwell on it I'll only cry and cry over milk that is spilt, which does nobody any good.
So I phoned him, asked was he coming back...he said he 'might be'. I said what the fuck you might be, you have my money bring my gear, which he then said I had given me, I had to plead and swore on my life he had not I was not going mad. He then, after ten minutes said he was on his way, when he didn't appear after a while I called back, he said he was out of gear. I should have done all or nothing, had I got three in the first place I would have got a deal, but this wind up ended up costing me dear. To say he was on his way with something then to say he had nothing was the last straw. I was expecting a chilled night with him along with the gear and got neither, waiting alone for what never came, to quote a song from 'Celebrity Skin' by Hole.
Anybody who has not experienced the feeling with this drug when the supply runs low will not understanding why I got into such a state, but those who have. You get edgy, the feeling of wanting more, not the sudden crash from amphetamines if a lot are used (something I've never done in large doses, not being a big fan of amph) but it is a gradual thing. It can be handled, but a wind up like that, especially when alone, intensifies that feeling ten times, so one moment I thought I was going mad, but I knew it was not there, simple. I said I'd pay again let him owe me, he said he'd see what he could do. I phoned Mary in bits and she came. That was probably a bad move as she brought a guy with me who I did not know too well, having a relatively unknown man witness me so fucked up made me freak even more. Stupid move, why did I do that, I should've taken a sleeper and just tried play my guitar and chill, anything but have a strange man witness that. The way I felt I just wanted to get away I could not relax with a stranger in my home while I was in that state (despite how nice he may have been). Had he not come I may well have just relaxed eventually, played my guitar and slept but it was not to be. Hell, I hope those events soon fade as they are bugging the hell out of me even now I can't stop beating myself up and to be frank it is doing my bloody head in even three days later. If it was only my mistake and nobody elses....but it wasn't. Thinking I was mad, being asked to look for what I knew not to be in the house, having an unknown man witness me in pieces. It was all too much I am still not recovered.
Jason wouldn't answer his phone so I caught a cab to his place, and he wasn't there but Jimmy was. I woke him and being nasty when woken (to what I can relate, I hate being woken up as well) he told me fuck off Jason was not there. I asked where he was - and he said he was with a woman he'd had a fling with who I have big time issues. Now he only said it to rile me, but I believed it. I was suspecting he had done what he had done on purpose, that he was shagging that woman and I felt I wanted to die, I hated myself for letting a man do that to me and for being such a wreck. A stranger offered me a lift home, I took it, once more relying on the kindness of stangers.
I was in bits, about everything. So I did something I had not done for ages, took some H on its own cos I could score no more coke and wanted something to calm me. So I got another cab, wasted more money on the damn smack, and came back. I did not even enjoy the smack, while it gave me a little high for a bit after it just zonked me totally, fell asleep with my shoes on. Guy I got it from knows Jason and told him, when he was already mad at me. I did not enjoy the smack, it just made me fall asleep in my shoes and then wake up crying, my face red by the end of the day, having to take more then sleep again etc. I did that shit cos I did not get what I really wanted, that was the only reason, as I told him when I did see him. The guy need not have told him but he did, just to stir the matter, as he knows Jason hates me taking that.
Jason, it turned out, had been ripped off himself, something to do with that stupid bitch I thought he was with....but God knows, I was alone last night when he said he might come, God knows who he was with. I know now it wasn't her as he can't stand her, I know that now, but still.......
He gave me back what he did owe me but only on the condition I pay for two more as he had lost his money....I did not want three, especially as the stuff was of lower quality anyway. So I lost out real bad.
Now it looks like I might well end up on the strip tonight, a place where I have all week managed to avoid. Thanks to the greed, scattiness and stupidity not only of myself but someone else as well. Life sucks at times.
God knows, he might have asked me to lend (or rather give, as I would not have been paid back in cash but in kind) the rest of the money I had seeing as he had lost all his......but I could have done without all that torment. I relied on getting that ad in the paper to pay my phone bill, we are now into Saturday I still have nothing and I still have not been out for the evening in ages, I cannot keep on like this staying in here alone waiting for calls relying on the kindness of stranger with only my fucking dust to comfort me from total despair..........when things are not like this I can go for at least three to four days with nothing, which in theory means I could save it for weekend partying, but there was nothing last weekend hence my use in the week. It didn't have to be like that, damn. And it won't happen again, it will happen again over my dead body. That ad will be in the paper on Monday, I should have contacted BT but I didn't. I'm changing companies anyway, but I may well ask them to temporarily disconnect the phone on Monday anyway, cancel the direct debit and just send me a final bill, I can get a pay as you go thing in the meantime they only cost twenty pounds, in fact he might even have one.
Fuck everything. If things don't improve by the end of next week god knows what I will do......just when I think things are getting better I find a fly in the fucking ointment and it sucks, to hell it does.
4 years ago