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Monday, 29 March 2010

Fucked Up...

I have something pleasant to report about the weekend. An old friend of mine who I had not seen for ages contacted me and I caught up with him, had quite a nice time despite the fact we clash at times...this guy is a musician and a druggie and all, has a similiar outlook as me in many ways.....People like us just do tend to clash as we often have our heads a bit where the sun doesn't shine, I find this especially with men at times....being self centred, a tad egotistic tends to be more common with artistic types, and with the help of certain drugs these tendencies increase...but a good time as I had a bit of jam with him and later a mate of my shame I confessed that one of my guitars was in the pawn shop from when I was broke one week. Not sure if that was around the time someone else ended up selling his computer.......But anyway, having a music session with others helps and I haven't done it for a little while....I probably should try and compose something new, but I've gone a bit dry in that department lately........Oh well, it will come to me..I find it impossible to force things in that department...

But the usual crap was upsetting me....and you, hey, if by any chance you do read this you'll know who you are....sure, I had to be emotionally needy, I bloody wish I could be a self sufficient island who is content with nothing but myself and my inner resources.....but is any human being an island? No, you'll find they are not. Please stop being so mean, thinking you can speak to me and nobody else like a piece of dirt...I won't take it forever, ok? A person can only take so much, as you know....Does it truly make you feel good to make me cry, is that truly the only way you can feel better about yourself, thinking that you at least have me beneath or under you....when you are not truly better than me, so stop starting go nowhere arguments about who is more or less fucked up, listing all my faults, then accuse me of 'turning things round' when I tell you that you are no saint in those departments either...I try not to relentlessly attack others for what I know I do myself, and as for turning things round..I think it's more you who does that. Each time I comment about somebody else I always hear something like 'but hey, you have elements of that too'. I don't know what you want or expect from me, what you want me to do...whip myself, get down on my knees and confess what a stupid fucked up whore I am....

I don't know if he likes the fact that he frightens me at times and I am a bit scared of him....I see relatively little of the man these days yet he still manages to be in my head constantly, ruling my life...I am sick of him accusing me of lying to him, of taking drugs that I don't even take, even accusations of shooting them the implications yesterday that I 'lie' without telling me even what I lie about, get over your mistrust and paranoia. Don't you know that by doing this you make me less likely to be able to help you in any way at all, and you do still ask me for help if you need it. What about my state of mind and sanity? Why do you seem not to care about them? Can't you see I am hurting too, as I have said? I am struggling, and I find when I am happier I don't recklessly binge so often...who is there for me when I need them? Who can I truly rely on?

God, my friend asked me if somebody gives me drugs in return for sexual favours, the irony of this, nothing could be further from the truth....I hate being in the state where I feel grateful if I get so much out of someone as a hug, but there you go. And in some ways I don't want him to read this as it might make him upset or annoyed even...but where else can I write about this, where else can I feel safe to talk about it and all....God other people get frustrated with me ask if it is so bad why do I take it, why do I stay there....If only they knew what it is like, unless someone's been there they'll never understand totally.

1 comment:

  1. A big hug to you, with no strings attached my friend. Accept and enjoy, no thank yous needed ok?
    People lording it over others gets my goat. Why can't they be honest and say 'look I feel insecure about things in my life, please tell me if I try to take it out on you'
    Unfortunately that doesn't happen much, it's easier to cover faults than it is to reveal them.
    I mean what is wrong with sharing your fallible moments? Your foibles.
    Nothing, but some feel they are less of a man maybe.
    Pride before the fall I say. Unfortunately as I saw in my father, he dragged my mum and us kids down on his plummet to nothingness