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Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Feelings.....

Well, my resolve to stay clear for a few days has actually lasted.....tomorrow I can have a treat.

And you know what? I have actually stopped feeling like shit....not I might be able to find the motivation to see to a few things I have neglected and let slide.

I'll get high tomorrow as my man got some real hot stuff.....we can both have a treat. if I can just get out of bed in time to fix the internet announcements I may not have to walk the streets tomorrow night to earn, he said he'd take some pictures of me....and advertising in the paper works, we were just both too fucked up to even save a hundred quid between us to do that. And we won't bother advertising as an agency, not while there is only me....hell, it's less complicated that way as there is not exactly enough work to go round right now anyway. I can handle it better when I am happier, no longer under pressure to get high to escape pain rather than to relax or enjoy myself.

I want to be off the streets and he wants me off them. I encounter scumbags, snakes, vultures posing as 'friends' who are only only out to thieve and worse. That bitch will steer clear from now on - Jason cares in his own way and didn't like to see me being bullied and extorted in my own home by a pair of street thugs like that. He sent 'Barbie' a message on facebook - not a polite one because politeness is not a language she understands - asking her to keep the fuck away from me, he knew what her and her scummy brother had done and all and he won't have me being bullied. It is not a safe world to inhabit. She brought her sugar daddy client round (who believe it or not is a 12 step 'recovering' addict), banged at my window cursing and for my sake my man took a head butt for my case, from her sugar daddy who she only uses for a roof over her head. This mug of a lonely old man is convinced she no longer uses and that I am the bad influence, the evil crack/smack whore, when it is her who uses those drugs and shoots them, I don't - although she was intent on telling Jason that I do in order to pour oil on troubled waters for her own sick ends. He didn't believe her, although people as fucked up as that believe their own shit - like when her brother asked if I bang up and she replied I do, yes, asked me did I want to get 'clean' and all that shit, people like that love to believe others are like themselves or worse. If she really wanted to talk in my language she should've said get 'straight' - cokeheads talk of getting straight if they do want to stop, not 'clean'. And no, I don't want to get 'straight' either - just level enough where I can go without for three days without severe depression or climbing the walls - that suits me fine. I feel sorry in a sense for that poor mug who has taken an infatuation with that little slapper who aint worth shit, I really do.

Only yesterday she was asking me what his problem was, why he was refusing to sell her more pills - I told her why, because mine had been robbed by either her or her wanna be crack pimp brother, along with ten pounds in cash. Because I wanted neither them or their bloody drugs in my life. I told her he was not prepared to sell her any more until she paid back what she stole. Conveniently she chose to blame her brother. The shit hit the fan when she saw Jason's message on facebook, and I am appreciative of him for defending me. Neither of us want me to continue on the streets where coming accross people like that is inevitable. We'll do things properly from now on, and be bothered to put some time in to stop me putting myself at risk like that.

Now I feel I may be able to move forward at last - I am no longer so depressed to suffer from that incurable laziness where I can do nothing without a line. I will be less fucked up and in more of a position to help him as much as help myself. I can fulfill my potential, not flush it away, and hopefully he will be able to as well. I can be a help rather than a hindrance to those around me if they only believe in me.

Despite earlier's drama, despite the fact I am skint, I am happier than I've been for a long time, and I hope this time it lasts. That bitch was still trying to tell me yesterday he doesn't really want to know me, well, he'd hardly bother defending me like that if he didn't. I told her he is back, he is living with me, so her and her scum brother never set a foot in this door again.

Jason wants to progress in life....well, so do I. I won't hold him back as long as he doesn't hold me back, it works both ways. I don't know if you know what I mean when I speak of the feeling of waking up for the first time in ages beside someone you have missed for so long, cried over, but it is a lovely feeling. I hope he knows.

I'll make a list of things I have to do - debts to clear, goals to achieve, books I intend to read.....as I am usually an avid reader as much as writer, I have just let it go a bit lately. I'll compose some new tunes as well......and be myself, still a bit of a fuck up, still the outsider.....but happy, safe in my own skin and partying when I want to. And you know what? Having a commitment phobic man in my life, even a slightly one sided relationship, doesn't matter to me as it would to some because marriage and kids is not my goal either, I am a free spirit too in spite of the emotional dependency I sometimes feel on others.......I wish at times people didn't find that so weird, that the norm people strive for aint what I want....but fuck em.

1 comment:

  1. Progress and happiness are great. Keep at it, spring always brings new possibilities.

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