Title of this post taken from a Camden T shirt....now I am gonna look a hypocrite if I come out with a feminist rant.....but not all feminists, believe or not, are anti porn/anti prostitution.
But there is one thing they sure as hell have a point on, something that sickens me...and being in the profession I am I become more aware of it the older I get. I may be a self made blonde, but aryan features and nordic beauty I don't have or want. Yet this is the standard, anyone who resembles a German porn doll (which Barbie was designed from, by the way) is deemed both by men and by women as being 'prettier' than me. I don't agree and nor does everyone else...but the fact is did I look like Barbie the chances are I would make more money....sad but true, male conceptions of beauty can be shallow.
The look I am speaking of is often fake anyway, often only achieved through shitloads of make up, a heavy body regime, often cosmetic surgery too. While there are classical ideas of what constitutes masculine good looks it is not uniform, imposed on men the way the Barbie look is on women...and I get sick of it. I have my own style and wish to keep it, all the money in the world will not make me want to look like a fucking doll. That is why I like the punk attitude - it gave so called 'ugly' women a chance. Not that I am by any stretch ugly - but I have seen women who do have the Germanic/Barbie look and I don't think them prettier....and believe or not all men don't either. The fact it is a look ruthlessly promoted as a standard that all women should aspire to to appease male desire does not mean it appeals to all.....I find it a bore. If I wanted to go with any woman I would not want her to look like that, personally I do not find that look attractive. If it is natural it is one form of beauty among many - the nordic, blonde, fair, blue eyed etc....but if it is fake I find it a tad repellant if anything...but that is just my opinion.
If men were put under such pressure to look like action men I'd have less cause for complaint....but they are not. Perhaps I misdirect my anger....but I get frustrated at women who do buy into all this shit. I had a rather bad experience last week with the woman who stole my pills....she kept bragging about having been an ex porn star (probably a lie because we found her nowhere on line), and insulting how saggy my tits and arse are, not only that but that I apparantly look 'old'. She came in, said I looked 'awful' and asked Jason what he saw in me....along with this I am 'dirty' as well. He had something she wanted...unlike me she is predatory. He knew that so she aint gonna steal my man along with the pills and the tenner her or her brother already nicked.
This does not bother me, she can say what she likes, along with telling me how desperate he is to shag her, how he don't want me etc.......I know him better than she thinks, am smarter than she thinks and so is he for that matter....not all men are so shallow. And the joke is she is nothing but a streetwalker like me, who is relying on a client for a place to live (asked if she could move in with me - as if, the theiving bitch!), and along with this she is a heroin and crack addict who shoots, and told him that I am on heroin and crack (and shoot them!) when he knows the stuff I am into is the same as what he is into, and I do not use the drugs she does nor do I shoot. Just because most of them on that filthy strip are addicted to those drugs they assume I am - when I don't even like crack, find it a waste of money and only ever touch smack mixed with coke on the very odd occasion, once in a blue moon when I am pretty fucked up....these days a bit of grass will suffice to mellow it out, or a few pills. I don't want snakes like that around me or their drugs....which they just do not comprehend. I don't judge them for doing it, each to their own.....but please don't project it on me and assume I like what you do, I don't. This is one reason I want to invest properly, sort myself out so I don't walk the streets, the reason I do make money there is because I am not heavily fucked on that shit the way that most of them are and I have kept my looks. That bitch knows it and only said what she did to make herself feel better. Cos face it, if she felt so fine about herself why is she shooting up that shit? I don't pretend to feel great or on top all the time, I feel no need to constantly blow my own trumpet while putting everyone else down.....which perhaps implies I feel a slight bit safer in my own skin, my own identity, than a fuck up like her does. Not that I aint fucked up...but you get my drift, there are levels of self abuse. I have more to identify myself with than the fact or delusion that I was once deemed attractive enough to shag men on camera for money.....and my sense of who I am comes from more than what I look like on the outside. Hers doesn't. The reason she bangs on so about how pretty, young looking she is.....is because she knows as well as I do she has a shelf life in her profession, as I do.........and she has nothing else to fall back on. While I may be lacking in professional qualifications, I do have other skills, such writing, music, and have probably read 200 books to the one she has read, if any. Intelligence frightens people who are all brawn and no brain. Ok, so she may be shrewd enough to live by her wits, but so what? I objected when my mother called people like this 'survivors' - if anyone is the survivor here it is me, the fact I get victimised for having a kind heart makes me no less of a survivor - I am probably more of one as I have not spent my whole life thieving and blagging to get what I want - I bloody work for it, earn it myself.
The fact my roots needed touching made me ugly/wrecked according to her - and the fact I was menstruating (fool me let her in my room and noticed my sheets had blood stains) meant I had 'not washed for days'....get a fucking life. Heroin addicts rarely bleed, I know as I have been there...but does that make them clean? Hell, no, getting 'clean' is a catchphrase. She asked if I wanted to get 'clean' to which I responded what does she mean, I am not a heroin addict. Besides, I dislike the term, 'sober' or 'straight' would be better. Being a drug addict does not make one 'dirty'....not even a bitch like her should be described as dirt because of what she uses. The term itself is degrading....and I truly wish users had more clout to protest against the use of such rhetoric.
The fact I put chemicals up my nose does not make me dirty nor does the fact I shag men for money......what in my view makes one dirty is what is within....and that girl is far from 'clean' within, clearly. But that is her problem, just no more projection. She aint setting foot in here again, and no more fellow streetwalkers are gonna befriend me again. They never used to be this way.....in the earlier years a few were my friends. And there are some nice ones, such as my fellow bloggers courtesan and fake plastic masochist.....but they are in the minority and I must be on my guard for my own self preservation. Once it was safe to walk out there without a pimp/minder....but not now.
Jason in his stupidity told this girl we'd fallen out and her brother was on me like a hawk, stealing off me when I made it clear I had no interest in him. Well, at least he had the decency to tell them he was back, although she still stirred things by saying he doesn't want me etc, I didn't listen. The man is far from perfect, he may cause me heartache....but he cares in his own way. I don't pretend all is fine, it aint, but it could be worse....much worse. When her and her crackhead brother showed up and theived they said they'd 'look after me' for the night when I said I had no coke - translation feed with me crack and smack. I said I was not interested in their drugs, I'd smoked a joint or two and just wanted to sleep.....the fact I said 'no' shocked them as it is not a word they are probably used to when it comes to what they like to do.....which made them hate me more. It saddens me because not all users of heroin or crack cocaine are like these thieving scum....hell, I've been on both and know other people who use them who are decent types....so I am not tarring them all with the same brush, as do much of the population (including some cokeheads at times, my beloved included). But it is people like this who sadly give all a bad name and enable all to be labelled as dirt. The term 'clean' for being off that shit did not come from nowhere.....for what is the opposite of clean?
More on this dirt theme......'clean' is not a term alcoholics ever use - it is either 'dry' or 'sober'.....so why are drug addicts deemed as 'dirty'? To be fair it is not a term used for cocaine addicts either.......perhaps it has something to do with the fact the drug is snorted rather than injected, and has not got the same assocations with disease etc. But me - I am as clean as the next person, and damn some fucking crack/smack whore asking me would I not like to be 'clean'. She even tried to persuade me to attend 12 step meetings with her, and I told her I had no interest. I will write more on the 12 step religious cult later, and my objections to it's ideology........but what I do object to is people assuming that I am the same as them when I am not. Ok, so her apartment may be cleaner than mine.....because it is not her apartment. It is her client's, who she is living with rent free...if someone put me up rent free I'd feel obliged to pay my way in kind and help out, whereas in my own place I can do what the hell I like. Hell, when I've stayed at Jason's place I've done his housework for him on request. If her idea of self worth consists of having larger, less saggy breasts and arse than I have at my age, I should pity her rather than be angry.......go on Barbie, good luck in getting 'clean'. The fact I do not wish to join her is not because I am 'not ready' (as she said) but because I like taking drugs. To cease everyday use and to use only weekends is not something I need 'professional' help with - I am quite capable of doing it myself with the support of friends. As I said to Jason - let us help each other rather than hinder each other.
I need no fucked up Barbie dolls, people who are paid to tell me I have a 'problem' (when I already know it) or anything else like that, anyone who dares judge me. I am who I am. Despite my problems deep down I am not ashamed of who I am, I have retained my identity despite the 'void' which creates the need for men or drugs in my life....and it is that inner strength that does keep me alive, the fact I have an identity beyond the size of my breasts or shape of my behind. Jason wondered why unlike many childless women I have no substitute such as a pet........I said an animal, however fond of them I may be, is no substitute for a human...I don't want a child so I am happy having friends, lovers, whatever....and face it, men can be like children, they are my profession....why would I need any more substitutes for something I have no desire for anyway?
4 years ago