Monday, 29 March 2010
There are things some people wonder if they wish to cast stones, so to speak. Firstly, I want to lie the myth to rest that I do what I do purely to support a drug habit...anybody who has ever tried surviving soley on welfare will know it is not a nice place to be...there is no way you can pay your bills, live and still have fun. As for the charities that help people on welfare budget their money. George Orwell once wrote that it is slightly insulting to firstly condemn people to living on a pittance then having the nerve to tell them how they should spend this pittance, a view I have sympathy with.
It is bad enough during a recession, there is not much work around for anyone right now, but someone like myself, who has little formal education, no job prospects at all finds their options all the more limited....'getting a job' that pays a liveable wage is harder than one assumes when one has my issues to deal with on top of the pure practical circumstances, and I get sick of people assuming all my problems are drug related when they are not. Before I ever used drugs I was more of a nervous wreck than I am today. And others have stupidly assumed that having good looks is the answer to it all, a common thing I have heard from stupid clients is the question that I am attractive, why do I do it an everything.
It is a vicious circle I am in at present...when I feel like this I lack the motivation to earn. As to the way I feel right now, I know there is only one thing that will make me feel better but I will only be able to obtain it when I earn. The thing is the miserable weather out is not conducive to earning, even from indoors, the phone tends to be dead when it rains as well as the streets being dead.
I was just going to comment on one of Kim's posts (Ice Age Heat Wave) when the explorer crashed, I don't know why but a few sites seem to make it happen, this computer needs checking out. But the post was about comedowns. I related entirely as this is where I am all the time, a cycle of ups and downs that won't stop, an endless merry go round. Perhaps it will get to the stage when I tire of it and slow down if not get off the roundabout totally....but this only tends to happen when I am happier, else I feel why bother, if drugs are the only thing I can rely on, the only thing I do feel in control of somewhat, the only thing that at times even gives me a purpose.....cos the truth is I don't have much else right now. I am not a happy or a particularly well bunny.
Ok, I freely admit substance abuse is a choice, a way one chooses to deal with things...right now I am not particularly enthusiastic or interrested in learning new ways if the truth be told, and these other ways just don't always work....at least you know the drugs will work most of the time....
I just don't like feeling I am on a road to nowhere, and am hoping that my creative skills will perhaps save me one day from the abyss.
I hate feeling like a stereotype of a downtrodden whore...the truth is I don't always meet it but right now.....
People assume also that the fact I am not stupid or ugly should make finding and maintaining relationships easy, and they are dead wrong there. If I am in kind that is going badly meeting other guys is not on my mind anyway, I don't even want to. Secondly, the truth is that my lifestyle is a big barrier too, I doubt many normalish guys will find the prospect of dating someone like me appealing, not because I am a bad person but because my problems will enter their world. And I don't want to be supported by someone else, it's sometimes been suggested to me that I find a guy with money to use as a meal or drugs ticket...I don't want to give up my indepedence either, even if I was to have feelings for such a person. What I do causes issues in any relationship, having to prove that I am not unfaithful in my heart etc..... Despite what somebody may at times think I have never asked for a saviour in my life....I just want things to stop being so one sided all the time is all I want, feeling like nobody gives a damn. Perhaps this is nobody's fault, maybe nobody is here for me because they cannot be, perhaps it is not a question of wanting or not wanting to be just not being able.
I feel like I am being punished for I don't know what....there are times I feel nobody is worth all this pain and despair, but other times I don't think my suffering can even be traced to any one thing or person. The drugs are easy to blame, and I don't hold them solely to blame. It is also easy to blame somebody else of other people...and although people may hurt me and do it is only because I let them, so I know I am my own worst enemy at heart. It just sucks struggling through something alone when I'd rather not is all, why is that so hard for some people to understand.
I don't want to be a self pitying wreck and a shadow of my former self....I will get through this and pull myself up, on my own if I have to...I just wish it didn't have to be on my own. My friends are not here when I need them most, when it seems I have always been here for everyone else, so I do feel a sense of 'why' a sense of injustice maybe....Am I truly insufferable? I know I go on a bit and have my faults but am I really such a nightmare? The way I feel right now I will be no good to anyone so I have to find the will and reason to go on. Money can't buy genuine affection but it buys some things...else why do I feel that if I had two grand in my pocket everyone would be over here like lightening? That's why I found what my friend said about sexual favours in return for drugs so ironic as the man he was talking about truly doesn't feel like it all that much, more likely I am to be the one who does these days is the truth. While some men pay me it does not mean all do. While people may pay me for my time I feel at times I have paid others in a sense, all relationships are parasitic in some way and the truth is things are as parasitic from my side as they are from anyone else's......maybe the way I conduct things or end up conducting them just makes explicit what is implicit or unsaid in most relationships anyway, God knows. Meanwhile I am going to have a break from analysing the reasons why I am hurting, either just wallow or make the effort to find a way of stopping myself from hurting.....right now I am inclined towards the latter option.
Even if the respite is temporary it will be better than none...I'll find someway of dealing with this in a way that is perhaps more lasting, and save getting high for weekends....I'll find a way but I am so down at present it feels an effort to even do anything, life looks shit and bleak every way I look right now, however I look.....
But the usual crap was upsetting me....and you, hey, if by any chance you do read this you'll know who you are....sure, I had to be emotionally needy, I bloody wish I could be a self sufficient island who is content with nothing but myself and my inner resources.....but is any human being an island? No, you'll find they are not. Please stop being so mean, thinking you can speak to me and nobody else like a piece of dirt...I won't take it forever, ok? A person can only take so much, as you know....Does it truly make you feel good to make me cry, is that truly the only way you can feel better about yourself, thinking that you at least have me beneath or under you....when you are not truly better than me, so stop starting go nowhere arguments about who is more or less fucked up, listing all my faults, then accuse me of 'turning things round' when I tell you that you are no saint in those departments either...I try not to relentlessly attack others for what I know I do myself, and as for turning things round..I think it's more you who does that. Each time I comment about somebody else I always hear something like 'but hey, you have elements of that too'. I don't know what you want or expect from me, what you want me to do...whip myself, get down on my knees and confess what a stupid fucked up whore I am....
I don't know if he likes the fact that he frightens me at times and I am a bit scared of him....I see relatively little of the man these days yet he still manages to be in my head constantly, ruling my life...I am sick of him accusing me of lying to him, of taking drugs that I don't even take, even accusations of shooting them up....like the implications yesterday that I 'lie' without telling me even what I lie about, get over your mistrust and paranoia. Don't you know that by doing this you make me less likely to be able to help you in any way at all, and you do still ask me for help if you need it. What about my state of mind and sanity? Why do you seem not to care about them? Can't you see I am hurting too, as I have said? I am struggling, and I find when I am happier I don't recklessly binge so often...who is there for me when I need them? Who can I truly rely on?
God, my friend asked me if somebody gives me drugs in return for sexual favours, the irony of this, nothing could be further from the truth....I hate being in the state where I feel grateful if I get so much out of someone as a hug, but there you go. And in some ways I don't want him to read this as it might make him upset or annoyed even...but where else can I write about this, where else can I feel safe to talk about it and all....God other people get frustrated with me ask if it is so bad why do I take it, why do I stay there....If only they knew what it is like, unless someone's been there they'll never understand totally.
Friday, 26 March 2010
The kindness of strangers....may one show some kindness to me soon so I need not stand, degrade myself in the rain begging for it. I know some people don't like me writing about all this...but I talk to nobody, I bottled all this up during the months when the lights were going down and the party was beginning to end....
It has been a shit week, would've been slow anyway....but a client stole my phone on Monday. Seen a few guys but not enough, the mother fucker has cost me.........And what I had I binged, as I do when I am anxious or pressured......if that had not happened even two more phonecalls would have saved me from this....who hates me up there?
I swore I won't go on the streets again to earn a cheap fix at the cost of my potential safety and earning the contempt of all men...it is the end of the month...please, this is the monster within now. It hit me in the face the other day.....if I am content enough I can modify. I have been troubled and I have a 2 to 4 gram a day habit...when I cheered up the other week I modified, but not now. So something give, please, either bring me a ray of light or just take the pain away....
Meanwhile, may all who know me take it easy on me, may God be forgiving and men be kind....please....keep the snakes away. I felt positive last summer, I had hopes then....I was just maybe too complacent that it would tick on....I made mistakes, this running around in circles could have been avoided...stupid, stupid me! Those around me have made mistakes too....but I make my own decisions.
What will save me now from the depths of despair....I could be relaxing had it not been for ill luck, but no, something up there has it in for me.....ok I have learnt my lesson I will never be complacent again I will pay my debts ok, just please....this has not helped me.....It has stressed me and made things worse, I could have learnt by other means than this....
But never again will I fret over nothing or small things, I just wish people who do stress and fret over pathetic things take heed from me and realise some people have real problems, it puts things in perspective at least.....sending me an email with the words 'I despair' because they blew their father's inheritence....well my parents are fucked up enough to be in credit, I have no such safety net to rely on....no inheritence to blow, ok? Investing money in property and it going wrong, spoilt rich kids are the worst...oh hell.....This person asked me to restore his faith in human nature, but who is going to restore my faith in anything? It aint up to me to restore anyone's faith in anything....apart from up to me to restore my own equilbrium, and who will help me do that?
I know this feeling........I can play this a little bit, though not that good. In case you wondered why I haven't posted much...there are a few things have gone wrong here too upsetting for me right now.....Some of which I can't share here, or choose not to for my own reasons.....I just feel at times I am jinxed, or everyone around me is...I know I fuck up. I know I make mistakes and should learn....but not everything is under my control, there are things I can do nothing about....I've learnt to be complacent about nothing.
I have to stay relatively positive, pray that things will get better.
God, if you exist, please....have mercy on myself and those around me, I beg. I had a death wish when I was younger...you kept me alive, so I decided to try to enjoy it and still want to. Ok, I didn't learn to stop or slow down when the party was over....I am self indulgent, I know my faults. I know I have to do something, so I have had the kick up the arse, right? A lot of my friends have gone, not due to anything I have done but their own problems....when I say 'gone' I don't mean dead but just away....the fact I haven't been out much lately has made me isolated, and I am not really that kind of person, at least not now. Can you not see I become more self destructive when I am hurting, that this is not helping me? If times are hard and I am in such pain I just blow my money on a bag of coke because it at least makes me feel somewhat better. I told myself I will never walk the streets again and put my life at risk....but desperation drove me to it when I felt I was losing everything. Ok, it was to support a habit....but take away the only enjoyment I felt I had at the time (and still bloody do?)
Ok, sniffing alone in binges is sad, pathetic.....a prime example of a middle class brat gone wrong. My father tried to better himself...he grew up in the slums, had an abusive childhood and thought fighting his way out of poverty could change everything. My roots are white trash turned aspiring middle class.....I am downwardly mobile...but maybe it was the instinct they taught me of self preservation that has made me stay alive so far.....a posh accent gets you somewhere, and although I went to a crap school my parents tried to ensure I would have a wealthy husband, a great career, and probably a few horses by now. I have become what daddy always said I would be if I did not do what he told me....a whore, 'trollope' who takes drugs and fucks men for money or drugs. Self fufilling.
Daddy's little princess....or the monster who never was meant to be - one extreme or another. His mobility did not bring him happiness, nor did learning to talk posh. He is a bitter old man, who has blown all his money, had nothing to leave his princess who is likely to die a pauper. I don't even have any kids, so I couldn't even please ma with grandchildren...and I am unlikely to have any and don't want them...selfish maybe but that is so.
I promise, if there is any power that is listening.....please, please. I never want to have to walk the streets again....I've been taught not to be complacent. What is my great crime? Ok, if we lived in a perfect world...but life is not perfect. I've made lonely men happy......don't do this to me. I look for something within but find the void.......If things tick over ok for me I am less stupid and destructive. Hell, I could be relaxing now. I know my weakness but please don't make me pay any greater price, I have learnt my lessons....
Perhaps I am the living embodiment of all that is wrong in our society. Someone referred to cocaine as a 'white whore' - well, I guess I look like cocaine then. My ex boyfriend equated me with cheap coke and said I am what I put up my nose.....90% crap, 10% good but he kept coming back...well, I get better stuff than that nowadays, at least I keep my sense of humour about me lol. More later....
Sunday, 21 March 2010
The wording of the bill was so patronising that it stated - 'streetwalkers are not engaging in that profession by choice' - and addiction was mention as one factor that nullifies any aspect of choice. Now that is downwhat ridiculous - to take drugs, be it recreational or habitual is a choice, and addiction is a choice on some level, as I have stressed on this blog many times. There are other ways one could support a habit other than prostitution, but that was and is the way I chose for various reasons, I refuse to take the victim stance. And yes, I have walked the streets, not an ideal place, I will freely admit that I prefer working from home, but when times have been difficult I have worked on the streets. And there was a level of choice, I could have chosen to sit it out, suffer, be skint and not have my drugs....but I did not choose that option. They said that customers who pay streetwalkers are only financing drug dealers, criminals etc....well, as I have explain a lot of streetwalkers have pimps because they want them, and they spend their money on drugs because they choose to, nobody forces them to buy drugs, nobody has ever forced me.
Middle class moralisers...once again fuck off.
Meanwhile I had a very bad weekend...partly due to my own mistakes, partly due to it being near the end of the month and things being quiet anyway, and partly due to the fuck ups of other people. It has cost me dear. I promised myself last week that I would not buy over priced cocaine due to the fact the deals are small....but because I lacked funds, I had gone too far earlier in the week by bingeing, and ended up in debt. I cannot obtain large amounts on credit, but due to my impatience and misery it cost me. Now fortunately I did have a booking tonight so I was able to stop tearing my hair out - and hearing about that new bill stressed me to pieces, but I need more. £90 of what I earned (it was £160 in total tonight) covers what I owe. Did I owe nothing I would be able to get what I wanted, but I can't until I make more money, and bear in mind I have living expenses to deal with.
A friend of mine stressed me the other day about problems which are far removed from mine (but still self inflicted in their own way) that it caused me indirectly to lose money. I put this guy up for £25 a month in return that he helped me with a deposit, he decided to move out and wants his deposit back. He knows it will have to be in installments, and ok I did let him down a few times....but take into account how I helped him out, the stress I dealt with while he lived here (as he got neurotic over such petty things such as losing a guitar plectrum...like so fucking what I have lost plenty of plectrums, some people do have real problems for heavens sake) and other things. I am a person who is liable to get stressed myself, but I had to tell him several times not to panic, fret, not to be so damn negative etc but he never listened. I can really do without that shit, I have my own fucking problems to deal with as he knows very well, or should know. But he forgets that - another person with his head up far to high where the sun will never shine. I am sick of all that. Ok so he has been a friend in many ways, but the chips have been down for me as much as for him. Stressing me over the weekend in regards to what I owe did nobody any favours....it resulted in his stress rubbing off on me, me getting my phone wet (and while I tried to fix it I no doubt lost a few calls).
I learn too well by my expensive mistakes, and those of others. I wish he could bloody appreciate that in my life one small mistake can lead to one whole bloody downward spiral I have been doing my damndest lately to avoid....but he does not understand my world and makes no effort to, it seems.
I had a nice evening Thursday with the person I had been missing for a while...it is a shame the weekend turned out so lousy. Oh well, I saw some good advice that said to stop beating myself up and regretting past losses, just to focus on what I need to do now. That is advice I intend to take, and once the ball is rolling and things tick over I should never again find myself in the situation I was in last night and the night before, which ended in me crying in the rain on a Saturday night, in debt and miserable.
Next week is a new week.....let's hope things get better for me...and those around me, because if they are not happy neither am I. My moods are more dependent on those of those I hold dear to me than vice versa at times, it can be pretty one sided...but still. I hope nobody lets me down, especially those who I have done my best never to let down. Please, be nice to me, help me and I can help you, hinder me and I will only be a 'deadweight', no good to anyone else or to myself for that matter. It is mutual, I cannot be constantly there for people I cannot always rely upon, especially when their mistakes cost me as much as themselves. The money I have lost partly due to my own stupidity and partly due to others can make me cry to think about it...but I am sick of crying, I have done enough of that this weekend.
Later I will have a story to tell you about from years ago, but for now I'm gonna get some much needed sleep.
Goodnight everyone, or good morning rather, and please those who support me do your best to act against that stupid bill if you can...which made me cry earlier as I stressed about my livelihood being affected. Let me never have to walk the streets ever again......on occasion there are decent clients but more often than not lately there have been cheapskates with a bad attitude, inclined to be disrespectful, and I am sick of them. Nine times out of ten the clients on the phone and internet are decent types...the other types, those who see me as an object, a piece of dirt can fuck off along with the politicians who want to do them for being the sexual predators they are at heart. My opposition to the bill has nothing to do with any sympathy on my part towards these type of guys...if I thought having them done would bring any benefit to my life or to the lives of sex workers in general I would probably have some degree of sympathy to it. But it will have the reverse effect, and labelling women like myself as hapless victims controlled by predatory men who control us for financial gain, by the use of drugs and other methods does my self esteem wonders (not). I take drugs because I choose to, and only allow people into my life who I want to be there. End of.
Thursday, 18 March 2010
So it is not an ideal job, it causes strain in personal relationships aside from the issues described above, and the stress at times from the work itself. But the streets in a rough area of a capital city are the worst place to be in the sex industry - I myself have never worked on any of those strips but I can imagine....The woman I know online has worked on those strips and that has been her only experience of the industry. Due to this she generalises from her own experience and assumes the whole industry is like that, that all clients are abusive, predatory, pimps are the scum of the earth etc and that paying for sex amounts to what is abuse on the part of the man paying - he should be prosecuted for sexual assault upon a vulnerable woman who is weak enough to accept 'payment for accepting abuse', because she has been abused as a child and abuse is all she knows.
In some cases this may be true, yes, there are women out there with deep issues who work on rough strips, the clients who pay such women for their services are more likely to be predatory and as for men who profit from the women on these strips......well, it logically follows. Perhaps the 'payment for accepting abuse' radical feminist theory may have a point in these circumstances - but we are only talking about one side of the industry - the lowest end of the market. The strip I was on was not so bad ten years back....but I don't like to go out there because the women have become more desperate, rougher, catfight among each other, attempted to pick on me in some cases, and I did notice a difference with the clients. I couldn't work out there for long without it getting to me, and police harrasment makes things worse.
But really, will imprisoning not only the clients but also the partners/minders of these women truly solve their problems. It won't. It will make things worse, ALL of the clients who have something to lose - i.e jobs, marriage etc - will dissapear and the only men who will use these women's services will be the predators. Women will put themselves at more risk because they will no longer be able to be choosy about clients or prices. As they become more pressured, if the men who live from their proceeds are already abusive they will become more so under financial pressure (I myself have experienced money worries causing deep strain in relationships - not only when I have been a sex worker but in any relationship). But some politician support and campaign for such a law that will not only be applied to the streets but also to the indoor market....so it will affect people like myself. Do me a favour and sign the link I shall post later against any such proposed law.
The radical feminist view is disempowering - the woman I spoke of earlier is still deeply troubled because her friends support and encourage her view that she is still a victim and always will be one because she has suffered abuse for most of her life (first from her father, then clients, then in personal relationships with me). She is seeing someone but the relationship is one sided. Me and her do have a few things in common - but it seems her lot in life has been harsher than mine, there are levels of abuse and the scars that result. The more you have been abused the more likely your judgement is to be clouded and the more likely you will be to generalise from your personal experience.
Now if anybody has heard of Aileen Wuornos, the American lesbian serial killer (of men) and ex sex worker/streetwalker - she is the result taken to it's very extreme. Now a friend of this friend names herself on networking sites after Wuornos, is an extreme political lesbian feminist, very militant and fanatical, and of course is extreme anti sex industry. God knows what has happened to her - it must have been something. Women do not become gay for political purposes and promote a theory that holds all men to be predatory and abusive for no reason. But clearly all the men she has had any experience with must have been, so she clearly assumes all are.
However heartbreaking some people's stories are - there is no need to demonise a whole industry - and in extreme cases half of the human race (i.e men) simply because of some bad experiences in that industry and some men who are abusive towards women. I am not saying there are no problems with the sex industry, and the implications of money in exchange for sex does carry it's own issues and problems - but criminalising the men who I rely on for my livelihood and the men I choose to be involved with personally will not solve any problems I have - it'll make my life far harder. It may not be ideal, but I am well aware that this lifestyle I adopt has been my choice at the end of the day - for various reasons, and I do not want 'rescuing' - even if there are women out there who are troubled enough to feel they do want rescuing it does not mean I do - and yes, I am selfish enough not to wish my own livelihood to be put at risk for the sake of what are essentially other people's problems, not mine. If these women want drug 'treatment' and the 'exit strategies' suggested by middle class do gooders they can use them - but leave me out of it. I can deal with my own issues and want no 'exit strategy' to get me out of a life I have chosen of my own volition, and I will not accept compulsory 'treatment' (another suggestion made by these same politicians) for a 'disease' that there is no medical evidence that I even have. I don't believe I am a victim with a social disease. If other people wish to take on that role and accept such a label it is their perogative to disempower themselves like that - but they have no right to thrust it upon those of us who will not accept it, sex workers and drug users who believe they do have human rights to continue as they are if they so choose.
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
A comment on my last post brought this song to mine......we are all parasites...'cat eats the rat while pimp beats the whore she cries out for more and more'....
Perhaps that's just capitalism, or is it human nature? Fuck knows and fuck cares by now, just wanna frigging survive it's a hard life when you can't trust even those you are close to.....
Read my comments on the last post....perhaps the reason while the pimp/whore relationship offends 'decent' society is because it is explicit about what is implicit in many relationships, just like the relation between whore and trick etc.
Those who think men who pay for sex have power over the women they pay are mistaken...just because you pay does not mean you have power or control, it is far more complex, again. As one man who wrote a manual on the art of the 'game' put it - the trick is really at the bottom, the whore is in the middle while the pimp is on top - I'd probably agree, it's a food chain, the whore wants the money from the tricks and the pimp wants the money she gets from them, so who is on top?
Victim feminism sickens me, leaving the sex workers with no power while giving power to not only the clients but pimps while she is a victim of both...bullshit. A classic example and I have to be crude here is that a trick will often pay to go down on me...a pimp will prefer to receive than give.... Truth is that with men I am intimate with I prefer to give than receive, some people think this unusual...but many mens fantasy maybe......
And even then, as pointing out earlier, a pimp could not survive without an income, could he? Obviously his women must want or get something....pretty much like clients do not pay prostitutes for nothing, nobody pays money for nothing, there are levels of control....I guess what sickens people so about the sex industry is that it acts as a microism on what is implicit all the time throughout society in general, a status quo which the moralising middle classes have a vested interest in maintaining while at the same time need to curb it's excesses and people who blatantly expose it by taking it to it's logical conclusion.....they need punishment for 'immorality', 'cure' for social disease or whatever....'exit strategies ' was the last slogan I heard from Blair's bitches in parliament in reference to sex workers.
Hypocrites because we all know about politician sleaze don't we? Think of the promotional possibilities from sucking your bosses cock if he is running the country or helping to do so........Edwina Currie spring to mind?
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
I've said on here before how irritated I get when people ring thinking I am a brothel....had a guy call last night who did turn up but when he rang first thing he said was 'who do I have available there tonight', after I explained had he read my profile he would know I advertise as an independent escort, and I am not a brothel or parlour. The thing is, like I said, too many brothels advertise as agencies when they are not really agencies, why the need for deception, why not just say they are massage parlours, co-ops or anything just stop this confusion.
I wouldn't want to start any co-op because I need the work myself right now. Jason asked me once would I have another woman use my place to work from and I said no way, I needed the work myself and that was at the time it was quiet after Xmas and all.
I have worked in brothels before and hated it for several reasons....firstly, competition puts me on edge, and there were days when the other woman or women there would keep getting chosen and I wouldn't, I kept thinking what is wrong with me, was it the way I looked or what? Most likely the guys sensed my discomfort in the environment, perhaps that was why I didn't do so well there. Just shows that looks aren't everything, you must appear comfortable and relaxed or they sense something is wrong, and things were wrong, they were not mistaken there.
Secondly, to maintain the property and make a profit brothel managers usually ask for half the income from each woman working there. So in effect, if a guy pays £40 for a 15 or 20 min quickie you are in fact selling youself for £20, sod that, I wouldn't accept that on the streets so why should I in a brothel? But in a brothel you are not allowed to set your own rates - the managers do. They are sometimes male, sometimes female, but most brothel managers I have come accross are shitty to work for, their gender makes no difference. Sometimes the men will give more shifts in exchange for unpaid services (great job perk for those guys, most bosses would be jealous as not all get that perk from their employees). As for the women - one would be mistaken to think they are better, they are not - managers are managers, bosses are bosses, and that is why I prefer to be self employed, I hate taking orders from anybody. One woman I worked with was so rigid, so narrow in her own way of working, would insist we all pretend to be in our twenties when we were all over thirty, got heated up over the most minor of disagreements any worker ever had with her, it was her way or no way, employee feedback was not tolerated. She would insist that we worked during our period and use a sponge, despite the fact not all women like doing that if they are heavy bleeders....but because she herself had been a sex worker who promoted herself up to management she believed she always knew best. One thing I say in favour of male managers is that they can never pretend to know everything as they have never done the actual work simply because they are men, and they have no choice but to learn things from the workers and accept some feedback. But back to this woman - she seemed to think that every client was the same, that all of them like dumb blondes in their twenties and would tell us to pretend we were stupid Barbie dolls even if we weren't, she still insisted we put on that act. I told her she was mistaken, while some men may like that not all do....but she would insist any man going to a brothel did not want a 'girl with a PHD'.
That was probably why her business remained one of the smallest ones in towns.....I am surprised with all her experience she drew such conclusions, because in my experience a lot of my clients have liked the fact they can have a relatively intelligent conversation with me....often they expect whores to be stupid and are pleasantly surprised to find I am not....which sometimes brings them to the point of asking why I do what I do, to which I reply it is relatively well paid and compared with most jobs the hours are more flexible....which is true. It is not purely just for drug money......even did I not use drugs I would still rather do what I do independently than work in Tesco. Seems that stupid Madame demanded all her employees act like the stereotype of a whore....some women in that industry do in fact meet that stereotype, I have come accross a few. God knows if they fit it because they just fall into a role that is expected of them, subconsciously, or if they are really like that and all. Just like there are men who do meet the stereotype of a pimp, and I wonder the same about them.
Guys can show up at brothels and don't have to give notice, they are just given the address and can show up (or not) when they like. I never give my full address until the guy is literally five minutes away or outside, and nobody can show up here without notice, despite my availability hours. I can work when I want, because I am self employed, whereas in a brothel I would have to turn up at a certain time just like a nine to five job or get a mouthful from management, as in a regular job.
The streets are rough, and I want to stay off that damn strip, but one thing I'd say is that even that is preferable to a brothel. Some outreach workers (middle class do gooders who are employed by the State to work with sex workers, hand out rubbers etc - of course free rubbers is good in practice and saves us money but even the fact they come and hand them out seems to imply a sentiment that they believe we are so stupid that did they not give them to us we would not use them, and I for one would use them whether or not they gave them out for free......I do have some level of self preservation and do nothing unprotected no matter how much extra somebody offered.....even though there are some younger women who are willing to sell cheaper and will do unprotected stuff for extra cash). Fortunately the site I mainly work from bans anyone from advertising for unprotected sex...but there was and is another site I advertised where some women did advertise openly for 'bareback'.
But back to the point, when these outreach workers met me on the street I explained to them that I normally worked from the phone at home but it had been dead, which was why I had to go out......they then asked why did I not work indoors somewhere else, to which I responded that I had no intention of giving half my salary away in exchange for being dictated to by some manager, especially when I already was supporting a man along with myself.
One may wonder why I say all this about brothel managers when I admit to paying a man to be my agent/minder or whatever you want to call him. The difference is that he doesn't dictate the hours I work or tell me how I should do my job, and it is on the understanding that it is for security reasons and not because I want a boss or manager. When he did start getting like that I told him in no uncertain terms that I never wanted a manager, that was never the deal. As we had and have some kind of relationship and been intimate he had trouble with it, which caused him to feel he had to fall into the stereotype of a pimp and there was no need - even if one must call him that there is no need for people to fall into stereotypes due to what they do...I hang onto my individuality no matter what, and don't wish to emulate a Barbie doll/American porn star even if it did bring me more money - and the people who suggest that women do that are normally managers (such as the woman described earlier in this post). Fuck them. I could get by totally independent without a man but it can be a lonely life, it feels more secure to know someone is looking out for you and can give something a bit more real than the cold sex I experience from clients, be made to feel a bit special, needed, whatever. Most men I meet say they would not be able to handle going out with a prostitute, the 'nice guy' who befriended me said if I was to be with him he would support me to stop me from working....but at the end of the day I wish to retain some level of independence, earn my own money and not be dependent on any man, even if I cannot always feel emotonally independent I at least like to feel financially so. I can see why Jason had issues earlier in the year, it could not have been easy with his own thing screwing up and him having to rely on me as a sole source of income....when traditionally a man is supposed to be a breadwinner and all. This is probably why pimps, so to speak, often put on that macho act to compensate for the fact they rely on women for their income, so in some ways it is like a reversal of roles. It is more complex than one may assume, pimps as predators and whores as victims and so on.....the dynamics are more complex than that. Parasitic relationships they may be, because each needs the other for different reasons, the women want emotional support, protection and security (a lot of the things men traditionally provide) and the men want the money and sometimes sex, depending how they feel towards the woman or women at whatever time. So besides the obvious fact of wanting security, some sex workers choose to have pimps simply because few men would be willing to tolerate what they do. For a pimp, if he is intimate with his girl or girls the money acts as a form of compensation. It is wrong to assume pimps to be purely predatory and have no feelings for their 'girls' - very often there is genuine affection, even if there is an exploitative side to these relationships and they are usually a bit one sided on the woman's part - after all, she is the one paying for having his protection, support, whatever, not vice versa. Men can get off on male ego trips from these kind of relationships, which is why sex workers can be prone to ill treatment from the men they get involved with. I wish some people who have never seen this world make such assumptions about something they have never experienced, many of them having never known either men or women in the sex industry.
Back to brothels - that is the coldest type of work I have ever experienced in the sex industry, it is all so impersonal, you are not in your own surrounding, on your own turf but someone elses so you have to pay them for the privelige and be dictated to by them at the same time. If women do wish to work collectively, together, then it is far better as a cooperative, run by the workers themselves rather than by a manager/managers. That is the only circumstance where I would even contemplate working like that....but even then I don't really like the idea of working in an impersonal environment among competition, I am much better working alone.....
Meanwhile, as to agents/minders/pimps or whatever, it is not a question of the fact they exist but whether or not the women want their 'men' in their lives or not ('man' is normally the simple term used - 'partner' or 'boyfriend' being too intimate a term to describe a relationship that is partly business/money orientated on the part of the men concerned and often emotionally non committive for long term purposes, the men involved often choosing to retain a level of emotional distance, even if there be feeling there, and saying 'my pimp' just sounds a bit derogatory and cold etc, but you can't exactly describe such a man as being a 'friend' when he is a bit more than that). A lot of women I've known in that work rarely describe the men in their lives as their boyfriends, but their 'men', and it is a habit I have picked up, partly perhaps from them, and partly because of the reasons I have described in the brackets.
Monday, 15 March 2010
Well, I now know the reason why somebody had not spoke to me all day yesterday. He owed some money to some violent men, not for the first time. Guess he has found some way out, but Jimmy couldn't bail him out this time. Apparently these motherfuckers work this way - they threaten you with a warning, which may take the form of a bullet in the knee or another injury. If the warning fails and you don't give them their money....they will blow your brains out and you'll be dead. These men are hard core serious criminals, violent deranged psychos who are a law onto themselves. If the men I myself know are scary at times.....well, these dudes are on a different level. Even Jimmy is scared of them, and he aint normally scared of anyone, I find him a scary man at times.....I don't wanna plumb the depths, but the thing you get credit off these guys and sniff what you are supposed to pay them back.......that's what happens, they give you so long before the warning before the warning before...bang, to sum it up. I've probably spoken about this before and there is no need to describe it more, but this time it seems it was not Jason's fault he got into debt with these guys, something happened where he lost money, drugs or both the same time that gram of mine went missing last week due to someone else ripping him off, and I lost out in the process.
I wondered what the hell was wrong yesterday, I knew when he came and asked if I had any money he could borrow, knowing I had earned and all...he said little on the phone but told me what it was when he got here....he didn't give me a lift to those jobs because he was out of town hiding from these guys. It was lucky Jimmy did go home quickly and manage to give me that coke or that job would've been hard work....a long time. But back to the point....Sunday Jimmy made out Jason weren't there while he hid in the wardrobe from these guys who went round the place to look for him. It all sounded bloody scary and a good reason not to fuck up.....and I worry about unpaid bills etc, better to owe money to companies etc rather than loons like that with weapons and all. Bailing my man out cost me the sum of two hundred pounds, he owed them in total £250 but they were content with what they had, thank God. He would pay me back not in cash but in coke, and he kept his word there. I said I'll help hiim out if he put money in the bank so I could pay for an ad in the paper this week all he had to do was watch my back and give me lifts here and there, although it is a darn site safer than walking the streets which I hope I never have to do again, as it means encountering scumbags and putting myself at risk of an untimely and violent end myself. In theory I could do the ad myself, but I don't want him to be broke any more than I like being broke myself.
Meanwhile there is the nice guy in the background (who is actually an exception to most people I've known, a nice drug dealer), saying I should be with him instead etc, not understanding why I keep going back to someone who has put me through so much pain in the past........I know and understand myself but not everybody does understand the dynamics. Jason himself thinks I enjoy drama to some extent....and the truth there is that I don't really know.....I don't enjoy it on a conscious level, a lot of the time I feel a just want a peaceful life, but then I don't want boredom either.....but there is more to it than that. At the end of the day I feel we understand each other, despite how fucked up the situation is many ways.......it's hard to describe connections that may be one sided to an extent but to a degree mutual, hell, he had me to turn to at the end when things went wrong so it was pretty much his good luck that I earned. I don't resent it, hell, I hope he'd rather not see me dead. I just hope he knows....I have been feeling let down by a lot of people lately, there are few one can rely on all the time. As for the ad in the paper he was supposed to call them when he had placed the money there today, but he promised to do it first thing this morning, having spoken with them before and all.....I just hope it does go in for Wednesay, and as I'll advertise as independent not as an agency this time I should hopefully get a decent response as a new face or relatively new....you can't run any agency with only one person, and there had not been enough work for even myself...to run something like that you need to invest a fair amount of money and market it quite heavily else your workers will not get enough bookings and you yourself will be short....he did not have the money or the knowledge to invest in anything like that, which some of the potential employees maybe saw.
If things pick up at least he can relax a bit and then so can I as well. I have promised I will work on it, so by the summer I may be a happier person and so may he be.....it was a relief for him to get that debt out of the way and I was relieved myself, and ok he did sort me out. I may not otherwise have bought all that coke, but I have made it last, managing to get a decent amount so the night does not end in frustration when I am alone.....I'll do it like that now on as I have long been intending to, it is stupid paying for over priced coke when the deals are smaller simply because they are cheaper. You probably notice I've said nothing about consumption etc.....because I don't want to keep making myself promises etc, I know now that it depends largely on my state of mind and that of those around me.....Jason says he finds it easier to be around me when I am relaxed but I pointed that he should know I cannot be relaxed while he is stressed to pieces and doing my head in, that is what makes me freak out and it is healthy for nobody, it aint no good for a working relationship or any kind for that matter.
Got one call earlier but that was it, still better than nothing and I hope the rest of the week works out, hope to God it does cos I get sick of having my hopes build up, leading to a false sense of security on my part and have things go wrong again. Meanwhile his mate Jimmy is taking a more active role in all that which should give him some breathing space.....then maybe we'll have some money to be able to enjoy ourselves again, I won't be here lonely and upset about a man who is stressed/depressed at either running around paying debts off or simply wanting to be alone and he himself will be in a better frame of mind to want to see me. And I will make the effort to catch up with some other people too, as I keep telling them.
Sunday, 14 March 2010
Meanwhile, as I was regaining my positivity someone gets shitty with me on the phone hangs up when I have done nothing wrong at all, promised to help him was going to give him a present but I'll have to let him stew for the meantime.......meanwhile he'd better give me the number of the paper or I'll be fucked for this week as well. I'll look up their details myself if need be, but really......and even then I said I'll still help him out. He can take or leave my kindness as I tire of walking on emotional eggshells, my job aint always easy so I don't need this, I am doing my best to pick myself up sort my life out and I could help him if only he would let me and not decide to let his moods govern him....'sick of me' indeed when I've done nothing wrong, called him offered to help him and all, I had not been bothering him save send a few texts saying 'sorry' again for not having done much wrong I am sick of crying. I must keep my spirits up as Saturday was good just could kick myself about losing money today is all.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
People might think all the stresses of drug users are self inflicted, and I'd be the first to admit that they often are. If one wants to do what we do they have to be able to handle the bad as well as the good, the downs as well as the ups etc, as I keep telling myself. I sometimes ask, as the downs can be so rotten if the ups are truly worth it....and they must be else I wouldn't continue chasing them so much. Occasional users don't get this shit, just people who use regularly like me.
I no longer know what to believe....but a situation occurred the other night which brought to mind the movie 'gaslight'. If only I had just stuck with a gram and cooled down, not ever rang him for another, all that shit never would have happened, or at least had I made the man give me the product before he left my flat none of this would have happened. I would still be in pocket, I would not be broke. The joke is I was making money, doing well, but it had gone, all gone and I was in bits, not only over the way I handled the fucked up situation but breaking my heart over him, again, yet again. Or I could have just taken three on offer to begin with, which would have ultimately cost me less than what I ended up spending, and I would have had a relatively good time rather than the night ending in tears and not been flat broke. Stupid, stupid of me, it was decent stuff so I need not have caned it all, could've saved some for the next day and then I would not have been in bed in tears all day. Fuck. This is why I have not written for a little while, and why my take on the 'treatment' scam has not been done yet. It will be coming.
Some calculations need to be done here.....but to begin with Wednesday night was fucked, totally, business had died and my money has gone, I was hopeful enough to think I would not have to go back on the streets. Fortunately I got a customer last night so I didn't, and I am not buying any more drugs til I get at least two more.
I admit I handled the situation badly. I like to think he did not do what he did on purpose, I don't like to believe him capable of stooping that low.
I was broke at the beginning of the week. I need to go to citizens advice bureau concerning a dispute in regards to council tax. Meanwhile social security refused me a loan on the grounds that I do not claim welfare, when I do. To be honest I hate claiming it, and were my income more reliable I wouldn't...I'd just go as self employed, but it is a security net I need right now. People on welfare are often judged....but someone like myself claiming it while sniffing coke and shagging men to do so...is the scum of the earth in the eyes of the straight world. They work long hours can't afford to do what I do and I dare to take expensive drugs while they work their arse off to live or feed their brats? My answer to that is simple...if your straight job is so stressful, don't do it. My lifestyle is there if you want it, if you have a phone line, and hey, there is always a corner to stand on! They would blanch if I said then and come out with some moralising shit....at which point I'd just say...my point proven. This aint really about money, fairness etc but other issues. Perhaps you'd like to get easy money but don't have the bottle to....fine. But please don't look down on me because I do have the bottle and how I spend my money is my business, if you can't afford to get high or don't want to it aint my problem. So again, fuck off squares.
The other night, when things went wrong, a pair of them tried to drive me off facebook because they know what I've done for a living and the fact I speak my mind makes them hate me. These bitches said 'get off this site and give everyone a break' - like these idiots are 'everyone'? And I was mad, attention seeking, serious mental health issues all that crap, and my posts make them 'cringe'. Don't read them then you bitches, I don't force you. But I've blocked them so I am spared the misery of being reminded of their pathetic existences and vice versa. I could see their game , finding it funny to pick on someone they think weaker them, a woman they know to at least have been a sex worker who they know has mental health issues, taken drugs, and they think it hilarious to get a rise out of me, have nothing better to do...so how sad straight life must be, glad I have more to occupy myself than harrassing someone over a computer. I evidently, to them, 'promote prostitution' - now I do no such thing just say how it is from my perspective, I doubt anyone who has read my blog and has more than one brain cell could accuse me of doing that. But these judgemental types, narrow minded etc are often so thick that if you differ from their 'prostitution is always evil' thesis you must therefore be promoting it and implicitly supporting white slavery, financial exploitation etc. Fuck that, for people who see in black in white and are colour blind when it comes to shades of grey.
Now before Tuesday, when I got paid, I was broke. I believed I would have money to put an ad in the paper, I was sad when it was too late (and that again was down to him having the number, him not telling me he had no credits on the phone to call them on time as he said he would. Want something done properly, do it yourself, I only get him to put it there to help him so he gets his commission from answering the calls... I cried at the prospect of walking the streets again, but to my surprise after adding some new pictures business picked up again from the internet.
Money easily earnt can be easily spent, but when things get this bad I know something has gone terribly wrong. I was making money and was still able to get high on top - and actually keep a profit for myself! Things could not be better. Ok, so the man in my life had not been spending each and every night with me but we had a couple of good nights, his visits being more than fleeting and without the company of his buddies.
But to get back to the point this is what happened. I truly would have had enough to have taken a night off and gone to the pub. I would have made money earlier had Jason been bothered enough to take those pictures of me, but he did take them eventually and I posted them on the internet. This was Tuesday. Now I made money Tuesday night, I had three well paying customers, one paid me £140, another £100, and another paid £120. Now that makes £360 in total.
I spent the first £100 on two grams of coke, but still had £140 in my pocket. Then I saw the other guy, which meant I had £260. It all went.
I got a gram off him for fifty, he said he'd do me one more for fourty pound more or two for seventy. Not wanting to be a total fiend I only got one but I thought what the hell I'd get one more save a bit for the next day, so I still had £160 in my pocket. He came round very quickly and there did seem to be a misunderstanding. I gave him the money, and somehow I misunderstood and believed it was not on him, he had to go get it. He said he was rushed but be back, possibly to stay over. So I thought great, we'd have a good time later. I did not know the product was on him all the time and he forgot to give it to me.
The lesson here is to be vigilant - I must make sure everything is understood. I don't want to believe he did this on purpose - who would want to think the man they love capable of playing the role of the guy from 'gaslight' or 'Bitter Moon' or anything that involves nasty head games......but the truth is he is scatty. He has never forgotten before, but something or other he said did give me the impression he needed the money before he got it....which leaves that niggling thing at the back of my mind did he lie to me....as I know he is greedy with money, but not normally dishonest, or not to that extent. But the longer I dwell on it I'll only cry and cry over milk that is spilt, which does nobody any good.
So I phoned him, asked was he coming back...he said he 'might be'. I said what the fuck you might be, you have my money bring my gear, which he then said I had given me, I had to plead and swore on my life he had not I was not going mad. He then, after ten minutes said he was on his way, when he didn't appear after a while I called back, he said he was out of gear. I should have done all or nothing, had I got three in the first place I would have got a deal, but this wind up ended up costing me dear. To say he was on his way with something then to say he had nothing was the last straw. I was expecting a chilled night with him along with the gear and got neither, waiting alone for what never came, to quote a song from 'Celebrity Skin' by Hole.
Anybody who has not experienced the feeling with this drug when the supply runs low will not understanding why I got into such a state, but those who have. You get edgy, the feeling of wanting more, not the sudden crash from amphetamines if a lot are used (something I've never done in large doses, not being a big fan of amph) but it is a gradual thing. It can be handled, but a wind up like that, especially when alone, intensifies that feeling ten times, so one moment I thought I was going mad, but I knew it was not there, simple. I said I'd pay again let him owe me, he said he'd see what he could do. I phoned Mary in bits and she came. That was probably a bad move as she brought a guy with me who I did not know too well, having a relatively unknown man witness me so fucked up made me freak even more. Stupid move, why did I do that, I should've taken a sleeper and just tried play my guitar and chill, anything but have a strange man witness that. The way I felt I just wanted to get away I could not relax with a stranger in my home while I was in that state (despite how nice he may have been). Had he not come I may well have just relaxed eventually, played my guitar and slept but it was not to be. Hell, I hope those events soon fade as they are bugging the hell out of me even now I can't stop beating myself up and to be frank it is doing my bloody head in even three days later. If it was only my mistake and nobody elses....but it wasn't. Thinking I was mad, being asked to look for what I knew not to be in the house, having an unknown man witness me in pieces. It was all too much I am still not recovered.
Jason wouldn't answer his phone so I caught a cab to his place, and he wasn't there but Jimmy was. I woke him and being nasty when woken (to what I can relate, I hate being woken up as well) he told me fuck off Jason was not there. I asked where he was - and he said he was with a woman he'd had a fling with who I have big time issues. Now he only said it to rile me, but I believed it. I was suspecting he had done what he had done on purpose, that he was shagging that woman and I felt I wanted to die, I hated myself for letting a man do that to me and for being such a wreck. A stranger offered me a lift home, I took it, once more relying on the kindness of stangers.
I was in bits, about everything. So I did something I had not done for ages, took some H on its own cos I could score no more coke and wanted something to calm me. So I got another cab, wasted more money on the damn smack, and came back. I did not even enjoy the smack, while it gave me a little high for a bit after it just zonked me totally, fell asleep with my shoes on. Guy I got it from knows Jason and told him, when he was already mad at me. I did not enjoy the smack, it just made me fall asleep in my shoes and then wake up crying, my face red by the end of the day, having to take more then sleep again etc. I did that shit cos I did not get what I really wanted, that was the only reason, as I told him when I did see him. The guy need not have told him but he did, just to stir the matter, as he knows Jason hates me taking that.
Jason, it turned out, had been ripped off himself, something to do with that stupid bitch I thought he was with....but God knows, I was alone last night when he said he might come, God knows who he was with. I know now it wasn't her as he can't stand her, I know that now, but still.......
He gave me back what he did owe me but only on the condition I pay for two more as he had lost his money....I did not want three, especially as the stuff was of lower quality anyway. So I lost out real bad.
Now it looks like I might well end up on the strip tonight, a place where I have all week managed to avoid. Thanks to the greed, scattiness and stupidity not only of myself but someone else as well. Life sucks at times.
God knows, he might have asked me to lend (or rather give, as I would not have been paid back in cash but in kind) the rest of the money I had seeing as he had lost all his......but I could have done without all that torment. I relied on getting that ad in the paper to pay my phone bill, we are now into Saturday I still have nothing and I still have not been out for the evening in ages, I cannot keep on like this staying in here alone waiting for calls relying on the kindness of stranger with only my fucking dust to comfort me from total despair..........when things are not like this I can go for at least three to four days with nothing, which in theory means I could save it for weekend partying, but there was nothing last weekend hence my use in the week. It didn't have to be like that, damn. And it won't happen again, it will happen again over my dead body. That ad will be in the paper on Monday, I should have contacted BT but I didn't. I'm changing companies anyway, but I may well ask them to temporarily disconnect the phone on Monday anyway, cancel the direct debit and just send me a final bill, I can get a pay as you go thing in the meantime they only cost twenty pounds, in fact he might even have one.
Fuck everything. If things don't improve by the end of next week god knows what I will do......just when I think things are getting better I find a fly in the fucking ointment and it sucks, to hell it does.
Monday, 8 March 2010
Sunday, 7 March 2010
I had two very vivid dreams on that topic last year. The first involved me as a spectator, not a participant. There was a couple in an elevator, there was a fire at the top of the building and the elevator got stuck, the guy tried to fix it so the pair of them would not burn to death. They got down to the basement and were confronted with a kind of zoo - consisting of live Barbie dolls (Barbie dolls, as you may have noticed, being another theme of mine).
The second dream involved me and a guy (I didn't know who he was, couldn't put a name or face to him, but it was around the time I split from my ex and started seeing my current guy) that the dream occured in reverse..That time I was not a spectator but an actor in it, and me and this guy were on the roof of a burning building, the fire underneath rather than above us, and it involved somehow jumping onto the roof of the next building so we would not be burnt alive........perhaps it was simply a metaphor for the kind of life that I live, the element of danger. I actually had an obsession with fire as a kid....maybe that says something.
Saturday, 6 March 2010
Meanwhile I had a look at Silky's other blog and added it to my list, interestingly she wrote a comment there about the void syndrome that I often write about, the void within myself needing filling and all.....men don't always seem to understand it, or at least have less of an understanding of it, which can make them appear self sufficient. This does not mean by any stretch that they always are, but they can do a good job of appearing such - the need for company does not translate into the void syndrome and vice versa, it is something deeper than that.....which means I am unable to find what I need or seek from within. It is true that I have an inner strength that enables me to get through adversity, but this doesn't change my need for.....whatever.
Men tell me I am over sexed, I don't know if I am or not, does having a higher than average libido make one over sexed? I have only ever come accross one man whose sex drive was about equal to mine....which was probably the only thing that held that shitty relationship together. Come to think of it, he was quite feminine in some ways....
I promise I shall catch up reading all your blogs when I have the time, I've looked at a few but not all of them yet.
Had a bit of a bad day yesterday but will get on to that in a bit....
Things have been ok with Jason lately now we seem to have reached some kind of an understanding. He says the kind of thing we have in some ways feels right in other ways wrong, I feel that kind of thing too but don't always openly express it. Understanding another person's madness, feeling warmth and all is good but a shared madness can be a destructive thing as well, which may be why we can sometimes be bad for each other. As we broke up for a few weeks he hadn't stayed for ages and I'd missed him, partly why I was so down. When I am less depressed I am less inclined to go on destructive binges, I hope all sorts itself soon so I can get more jobs from the phone and not rely on the damn street, as it has been cold as well I hate it more then, and it makes it quieter.
I felt under pressure yesterday cos I was expecting someone to come down from London with someting that was apparently 90% to 100% pure cocaine, a rarity these days. Legal highs/bathtub productions are being sold that is in fact the same or better than the average quality of street coke these days. But people accept rubbish, they are so used to bad quality they accept anything. One guy I know by accident sold one of his customers something that was pure benzocaine - they did not notice and went back for more. The people who sold me that bashed up stuff imagined I was the same, in spite of what I had said about my relative sophistication with the drug. I've seen people in pubs, streets, give me lines of 100% bash, doing it themselves saying it is so great - they must be feeling some placebo affect that has never worked on me. Guess I am lucky to have relatively good contacts or I would not know any different from the average rubbish that is out there.
But to sum it up this guy with the flake did not emerge. Jason owed some violent dude money (again) I had nothing myself to help him so I ended up going with him to pawn his laptop so he could pay the guy off. The phone was dead as always, I tried making an early start of it but in the meantime tried to see if anyone would cash a cheque for me, I'll go down the pawnshops again this afternoon and see if they will do it - one of them stopped for a while when my overdraft was exceeded, but now that is back in order they might just agree to cash a couple if I show them the statement which says what my overdraft limit is. If not I will try the other shop, I might be able to raise enough for a gram or two plus leave myself with enough to enjoy my weekend. One of my customers said he'd drop round at some point that he's back in town today - I bloody hope he does show as I need the money.
I have had some awful trouble with BT that I don't even want to go into the details of here....but my night was fucked from the beginning due to those cunts who have messed me around for days regarding an outstanding bill, some of which has been paid. Indian call centres are useless, they were misleading me, telling me I'd be reconnected when I wasn't - I eventually got through to an English woman who told me they wouldn't normally reconnect me til I paid more of the charge, but as I had been misled and promised she did so. Later on that same night some bitch from the same Indian call centre phoned me while I was out trying to work and starting threatening to disconnect me again, asking if I could pay fifty pounds on the spot. I told her I couldn't and besides she had caught me at a bad time while I was out working trying to pay her stupid bill. As from next week I'm changing over to TalkTalk as they are offering a better deal and a faster connection too. BT can rot. I then got another text from debt collectors, police pulled by, it was freezing cold and all.
The last straw came when a cheapskate client offered me thirty pounds for anal, a service I do not offer anyway. I walked away from that car in tears, swallowed two valium when I got home with some strong beer and simply crashed out for four hours. It was too late then to earn, in my nullification I had missed a couple of phone calls too damn (why that phone never rings when I am conscious is sods law it seems). I called Jason and he said the flake thing had not happened anyway, I said nothing had happened my end, he said it was probably for a reason. He wasn't around last night anyway, so perhaps there was something looking out for me, call it what you will.......
I hope he gets his arse into gear so he can take those pictures of me as he promised to do for that site I advertise on, that should attract more attention. Nobody gains this way. I don't want to rely on all this forever but my options right now are limited - how else can I get instant cash, to pay my damn bills besides getting high? And the truth is I don't mind working relatively safely from home, it is just those streets that are doing my head in, especially when it means encountering the type of scumbags I had all that trouble with last week. Every week we pray things will get better, but we have to make some effort or put some investment in - else there is no point complaining about not having enough money when you only have yourself to blame. I may live a risky lifestyle but so does he with the men he associates with and all.........if we want to live less of a risky lifestyle we have to put the effort in to achieve that. When he was down on me I got blamed for holding him back, it took a few weeks away from me to see the only person holding him back was himself, just as it is me and only me who holds myself back, I can't pass all the blame onto the men in my life......
One of his little dreams was opening an art gallery. The premises he thought of renting were let.....and the tenant turned the place into....a gallery! Is that irony or what?
As promised I will write some more later on the scam that is the prohibition racket and the 'treatment' industry......but must get on for now.
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Not having it to hand at home makes me realise how I get used to the internet and how much time I spend on it, perhaps more than is healthy, especially facebook. Facebook is, in fact, a damn curse as much as a blessing, as other people who I read have noticed. If it were not for one of my whinges, and a stupid dumb response from a friend of mine (wrote something about my man - not having the foresight to think, hey, wouldn't he be a friend of mine on there?) and that stupid posh friend in London (who I mentioned) ended bringing the damn coppers to my door - last thing any of us needed at the time. My fault for posting there that I felt miserable, but it was just my luck my phone broke at the same time, she put two and two together to make........5. That whole thing started off a whole spiral that could've been avoided, people poking their noses into my life being judgemental etc, and all sorts. Thanks FB - and thanks to the friend (who I don't trust enough to tell him of this blog anymore) who spurted out stupidity of that nature.
Check out a site called IMVU, it is a 3d chat room a bit like second life but more user friendly, you get your own avatar, dress it up, perform virtual actions with others etc....it's quite a lot of fun!
Meanwhile I gotta earn tonight...you know who has debts to pay to violent dudes again. I get sick of this kind of worry, and you may ask me why I do this, it isn't really my problem directly......but would anyone truly want to see someone they love in that kind of shit, even if they haven't always been perfect?
Will catch up tomorrow.....feeling pretty tired, could do with either a night in or at least a temporary lift.....will see if the latter shows. Til later xxxx
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
And you know what? I have actually stopped feeling like shit....not I might be able to find the motivation to see to a few things I have neglected and let slide.
I'll get high tomorrow as my man got some real hot stuff.....we can both have a treat. if I can just get out of bed in time to fix the internet announcements I may not have to walk the streets tomorrow night to earn, he said he'd take some pictures of me....and advertising in the paper works, we were just both too fucked up to even save a hundred quid between us to do that. And we won't bother advertising as an agency, not while there is only me....hell, it's less complicated that way as there is not exactly enough work to go round right now anyway. I can handle it better when I am happier, no longer under pressure to get high to escape pain rather than to relax or enjoy myself.
I want to be off the streets and he wants me off them. I encounter scumbags, snakes, vultures posing as 'friends' who are only only out to thieve and worse. That bitch will steer clear from now on - Jason cares in his own way and didn't like to see me being bullied and extorted in my own home by a pair of street thugs like that. He sent 'Barbie' a message on facebook - not a polite one because politeness is not a language she understands - asking her to keep the fuck away from me, he knew what her and her scummy brother had done and all and he won't have me being bullied. It is not a safe world to inhabit. She brought her sugar daddy client round (who believe it or not is a 12 step 'recovering' addict), banged at my window cursing and for my sake my man took a head butt for my case, from her sugar daddy who she only uses for a roof over her head. This mug of a lonely old man is convinced she no longer uses and that I am the bad influence, the evil crack/smack whore, when it is her who uses those drugs and shoots them, I don't - although she was intent on telling Jason that I do in order to pour oil on troubled waters for her own sick ends. He didn't believe her, although people as fucked up as that believe their own shit - like when her brother asked if I bang up and she replied I do, yes, asked me did I want to get 'clean' and all that shit, people like that love to believe others are like themselves or worse. If she really wanted to talk in my language she should've said get 'straight' - cokeheads talk of getting straight if they do want to stop, not 'clean'. And no, I don't want to get 'straight' either - just level enough where I can go without for three days without severe depression or climbing the walls - that suits me fine. I feel sorry in a sense for that poor mug who has taken an infatuation with that little slapper who aint worth shit, I really do.
Only yesterday she was asking me what his problem was, why he was refusing to sell her more pills - I told her why, because mine had been robbed by either her or her wanna be crack pimp brother, along with ten pounds in cash. Because I wanted neither them or their bloody drugs in my life. I told her he was not prepared to sell her any more until she paid back what she stole. Conveniently she chose to blame her brother. The shit hit the fan when she saw Jason's message on facebook, and I am appreciative of him for defending me. Neither of us want me to continue on the streets where coming accross people like that is inevitable. We'll do things properly from now on, and be bothered to put some time in to stop me putting myself at risk like that.
Now I feel I may be able to move forward at last - I am no longer so depressed to suffer from that incurable laziness where I can do nothing without a line. I will be less fucked up and in more of a position to help him as much as help myself. I can fulfill my potential, not flush it away, and hopefully he will be able to as well. I can be a help rather than a hindrance to those around me if they only believe in me.
Despite earlier's drama, despite the fact I am skint, I am happier than I've been for a long time, and I hope this time it lasts. That bitch was still trying to tell me yesterday he doesn't really want to know me, well, he'd hardly bother defending me like that if he didn't. I told her he is back, he is living with me, so her and her scum brother never set a foot in this door again.
Jason wants to progress in life....well, so do I. I won't hold him back as long as he doesn't hold me back, it works both ways. I don't know if you know what I mean when I speak of the feeling of waking up for the first time in ages beside someone you have missed for so long, cried over, but it is a lovely feeling. I hope he knows.
I'll make a list of things I have to do - debts to clear, goals to achieve, books I intend to read.....as I am usually an avid reader as much as writer, I have just let it go a bit lately. I'll compose some new tunes as well......and be myself, still a bit of a fuck up, still the outsider.....but happy, safe in my own skin and partying when I want to. And you know what? Having a commitment phobic man in my life, even a slightly one sided relationship, doesn't matter to me as it would to some because marriage and kids is not my goal either, I am a free spirit too in spite of the emotional dependency I sometimes feel on others.......I wish at times people didn't find that so weird, that the norm people strive for aint what I want....but fuck em.
The bitch who interviewed me thrusted at me the number of 'cocaine anonymous', unsolicited. I flung it straight back at her, said I was not an addict (which I was not then, sniffing once a fortnight is hardly addiction, and I bet the stupid bitch herself was not averse to the occasional social drink) and I had objections to the 12 step groups. After attending a few of their meetings several years back I had two men attempt to sexually assault me and one succeed in actual abuse. I am not the first or the last - I shall go into more details later, but the thing itself is known among the inner circles of this vile cult as '13th stepping'. My readers will soon learn about the scam the whole so called 'treatment' industry is - religious snake oil and cultism posing as therapy, in which you have to surrender to a 'higher power' (i.e God) in order to quit drink or drugs - cos without having God substances will kill you, as you have a 'disease' called 'addiction'. A 'disease' which there is zero medical evidence of it's existence. I know why I take too many drugs - there are many reasons, compulsive behaviour being one, but it is not because I have some 'disease' that does not exist apart from in the minds of quacks, quacks who are funded by the State. I shall go into more detail later about how all the treatment industry ties in with the prohibiton racket - but in the meantime here is a great site I suggest your check out - http://www.orange-papers.org
The fact these snakes/charlatans have wormed their way into the battered wives movement is all the more despicable of them. Great chance for fucked up, predatory men to prey on vulnerable women. Not saying that all men who abuse substances are abusers - but more a case of abusive men being prone to substance abuse due to their underlying issues, and the 12 step ideology is perfect for men who are so used to denying responsibility for their actions. Eg....I didn't mean to beat my wife, it was the drink/drugs that made me do it. 12 step ideology tells these men that they are 'powerless' over their compulsion to drink or use.....so it follows that if they are powerless over that they are bound to be 'powerless' over their need to abuse women.
The middle class women who ran that charity had no idea.......and not only this they started prying into my financial circumstances, asking how could I afford to sniff coke etc (despite it was only then once a fortnight). It was none of their business, and I went there for help with an abusive relationship, not cocaine use. A woman asked if I needed help with budgeting my finances, like sure, someone like myself must be unable to do anything. The poor are stupid, and the fact I admitted to claiming benefit at the time added insult - like, ok, the State grant me so much which 'the law says I need to live on' then have the audacity to tell me how I should spend it! No way, Jose! Again, shove your 'help' where the sun will never shine.
I remember calling a domestic violence helpline some years back (anonymous of course) just because I needed someone to talk to as my then pimp was abusing me) - nothing I said mattered when I admitted to being not only a cocaine addict but a sex worker too. Damn the lot of them to hell. I wanted someone to listen - but all they had to say was 'call the police'. Anyone who knows anything about that world knows that a whore will not grass on a pimp if she values her life.
If anyone is to provide such services it should be people who know something about the subject. Services for sex workers should be run by women in that profession, not by middle class women employed by the same State who employs cops to harrass hookers. Services for drug users should be run by users.....and DV? It should at least be run by women who have had some experience of abusive relationships and are open minded enough to be understanding to women from all walks of life....not just battered housewives. Middle class men who have something to lose may respect the forces of law.....but criminals, drug dealers, pimps etc will not. I've known that for years, so are these people really so sheltered? God knows.
But what I do know is that it is an awful feeling to love someone yet be afraid of him at the same time, be in fear of your life even............I used to wonder why women went back for more from men who do this. Experience in all my years has taught me why. 'Nice', non abusive men never understand - that is why these relationships have more layers than is apparent. Abusive men understand abused women in a way nice men do not.....which keeps the cycle of abuse going. But I wish men would stop thinking I enjoy or like abuse - I do not enjoy it.
Now I am not saying all men are like this, would shag anything with big boobs and a pretty face.....but a lot will, a lot think with their pricks. I have been treated ill in many ways as I have let myself be....if we lived in an equal free society where men respected women and there was no misogyny it would not be like this, but it is like this and is unlikely to change. There are things I have done and won't do again...such as sleeping with men who despise me, deny ever having been near 'it' or that 'filthy coke whore' when it was all pretty much fun for them at the time. Not go near 'it' even if 'it' paid them - like I'd pay a bunch of fucked up cokeheads who aren't much on looks in the first place for the privelige? Dream on.
And by the way Jason, please cut out your paranoia. I phoned you last night to tell you I'd managed to earn something and would help you out if need be........and in return you accuse me of giving my money to other men, along with shagging them? How could you dream I would do such a thing, have I not shown you enough? What does it take? I know you have troubles (like I haven't) and my patience has been limitless - have some faith in me. I told you I'd slept most of the day, you asked me 'who with' - when we agreed only last night to cut these games out. You wanna be casual, shag who you want......I can't interrogate you so please don't do to me, you know full well I have no desire to go with other men unless they pay me, and when they do you know about it. You can't have it both ways - no commitment on your side, then please don't play these games, please, please. I told you how much money I had, I was in no trouble, please don't be like that with me, think of all the times you have been stressed and I've calmed you.....but I have to deal with my own stress, don't I? Bad enough things are one sided as they are......but don't make it worse for me than it is. I was truly happy the last few days as I thought you'd gone forever and you were back......I would not take this if I didn't love you and you know that.
I don't know if you will read this or not, but if you do, then.......just remember xxxx
Title of this post taken from a Camden T shirt....now I am gonna look a hypocrite if I come out with a feminist rant.....but not all feminists, believe or not, are anti porn/anti prostitution.
But there is one thing they sure as hell have a point on, something that sickens me...and being in the profession I am I become more aware of it the older I get. I may be a self made blonde, but aryan features and nordic beauty I don't have or want. Yet this is the standard, anyone who resembles a German porn doll (which Barbie was designed from, by the way) is deemed both by men and by women as being 'prettier' than me. I don't agree and nor does everyone else...but the fact is did I look like Barbie the chances are I would make more money....sad but true, male conceptions of beauty can be shallow.
The look I am speaking of is often fake anyway, often only achieved through shitloads of make up, a heavy body regime, often cosmetic surgery too. While there are classical ideas of what constitutes masculine good looks it is not uniform, imposed on men the way the Barbie look is on women...and I get sick of it. I have my own style and wish to keep it, all the money in the world will not make me want to look like a fucking doll. That is why I like the punk attitude - it gave so called 'ugly' women a chance. Not that I am by any stretch ugly - but I have seen women who do have the Germanic/Barbie look and I don't think them prettier....and believe or not all men don't either. The fact it is a look ruthlessly promoted as a standard that all women should aspire to to appease male desire does not mean it appeals to all.....I find it a bore. If I wanted to go with any woman I would not want her to look like that, personally I do not find that look attractive. If it is natural it is one form of beauty among many - the nordic, blonde, fair, blue eyed etc....but if it is fake I find it a tad repellant if anything...but that is just my opinion.
If men were put under such pressure to look like action men I'd have less cause for complaint....but they are not. Perhaps I misdirect my anger....but I get frustrated at women who do buy into all this shit. I had a rather bad experience last week with the woman who stole my pills....she kept bragging about having been an ex porn star (probably a lie because we found her nowhere on line), and insulting how saggy my tits and arse are, not only that but that I apparantly look 'old'. She came in, said I looked 'awful' and asked Jason what he saw in me....along with this I am 'dirty' as well. He had something she wanted...unlike me she is predatory. He knew that so she aint gonna steal my man along with the pills and the tenner her or her brother already nicked.
This does not bother me, she can say what she likes, along with telling me how desperate he is to shag her, how he don't want me etc.......I know him better than she thinks, am smarter than she thinks and so is he for that matter....not all men are so shallow. And the joke is she is nothing but a streetwalker like me, who is relying on a client for a place to live (asked if she could move in with me - as if, the theiving bitch!), and along with this she is a heroin and crack addict who shoots, and told him that I am on heroin and crack (and shoot them!) when he knows the stuff I am into is the same as what he is into, and I do not use the drugs she does nor do I shoot. Just because most of them on that filthy strip are addicted to those drugs they assume I am - when I don't even like crack, find it a waste of money and only ever touch smack mixed with coke on the very odd occasion, once in a blue moon when I am pretty fucked up....these days a bit of grass will suffice to mellow it out, or a few pills. I don't want snakes like that around me or their drugs....which they just do not comprehend. I don't judge them for doing it, each to their own.....but please don't project it on me and assume I like what you do, I don't. This is one reason I want to invest properly, sort myself out so I don't walk the streets, the reason I do make money there is because I am not heavily fucked on that shit the way that most of them are and I have kept my looks. That bitch knows it and only said what she did to make herself feel better. Cos face it, if she felt so fine about herself why is she shooting up that shit? I don't pretend to feel great or on top all the time, I feel no need to constantly blow my own trumpet while putting everyone else down.....which perhaps implies I feel a slight bit safer in my own skin, my own identity, than a fuck up like her does. Not that I aint fucked up...but you get my drift, there are levels of self abuse. I have more to identify myself with than the fact or delusion that I was once deemed attractive enough to shag men on camera for money.....and my sense of who I am comes from more than what I look like on the outside. Hers doesn't. The reason she bangs on so about how pretty, young looking she is.....is because she knows as well as I do she has a shelf life in her profession, as I do.........and she has nothing else to fall back on. While I may be lacking in professional qualifications, I do have other skills, such writing, music, and have probably read 200 books to the one she has read, if any. Intelligence frightens people who are all brawn and no brain. Ok, so she may be shrewd enough to live by her wits, but so what? I objected when my mother called people like this 'survivors' - if anyone is the survivor here it is me, the fact I get victimised for having a kind heart makes me no less of a survivor - I am probably more of one as I have not spent my whole life thieving and blagging to get what I want - I bloody work for it, earn it myself.
The fact my roots needed touching made me ugly/wrecked according to her - and the fact I was menstruating (fool me let her in my room and noticed my sheets had blood stains) meant I had 'not washed for days'....get a fucking life. Heroin addicts rarely bleed, I know as I have been there...but does that make them clean? Hell, no, getting 'clean' is a catchphrase. She asked if I wanted to get 'clean' to which I responded what does she mean, I am not a heroin addict. Besides, I dislike the term, 'sober' or 'straight' would be better. Being a drug addict does not make one 'dirty'....not even a bitch like her should be described as dirt because of what she uses. The term itself is degrading....and I truly wish users had more clout to protest against the use of such rhetoric.
The fact I put chemicals up my nose does not make me dirty nor does the fact I shag men for money......what in my view makes one dirty is what is within....and that girl is far from 'clean' within, clearly. But that is her problem, just no more projection. She aint setting foot in here again, and no more fellow streetwalkers are gonna befriend me again. They never used to be this way.....in the earlier years a few were my friends. And there are some nice ones, such as my fellow bloggers courtesan and fake plastic masochist.....but they are in the minority and I must be on my guard for my own self preservation. Once it was safe to walk out there without a pimp/minder....but not now.
Jason in his stupidity told this girl we'd fallen out and her brother was on me like a hawk, stealing off me when I made it clear I had no interest in him. Well, at least he had the decency to tell them he was back, although she still stirred things by saying he doesn't want me etc, I didn't listen. The man is far from perfect, he may cause me heartache....but he cares in his own way. I don't pretend all is fine, it aint, but it could be worse....much worse. When her and her crackhead brother showed up and theived they said they'd 'look after me' for the night when I said I had no coke - translation feed with me crack and smack. I said I was not interested in their drugs, I'd smoked a joint or two and just wanted to sleep.....the fact I said 'no' shocked them as it is not a word they are probably used to when it comes to what they like to do.....which made them hate me more. It saddens me because not all users of heroin or crack cocaine are like these thieving scum....hell, I've been on both and know other people who use them who are decent types....so I am not tarring them all with the same brush, as do much of the population (including some cokeheads at times, my beloved included). But it is people like this who sadly give all a bad name and enable all to be labelled as dirt. The term 'clean' for being off that shit did not come from nowhere.....for what is the opposite of clean?
More on this dirt theme......'clean' is not a term alcoholics ever use - it is either 'dry' or 'sober'.....so why are drug addicts deemed as 'dirty'? To be fair it is not a term used for cocaine addicts either.......perhaps it has something to do with the fact the drug is snorted rather than injected, and has not got the same assocations with disease etc. But me - I am as clean as the next person, and damn some fucking crack/smack whore asking me would I not like to be 'clean'. She even tried to persuade me to attend 12 step meetings with her, and I told her I had no interest. I will write more on the 12 step religious cult later, and my objections to it's ideology........but what I do object to is people assuming that I am the same as them when I am not. Ok, so her apartment may be cleaner than mine.....because it is not her apartment. It is her client's, who she is living with rent free...if someone put me up rent free I'd feel obliged to pay my way in kind and help out, whereas in my own place I can do what the hell I like. Hell, when I've stayed at Jason's place I've done his housework for him on request. If her idea of self worth consists of having larger, less saggy breasts and arse than I have at my age, I should pity her rather than be angry.......go on Barbie, good luck in getting 'clean'. The fact I do not wish to join her is not because I am 'not ready' (as she said) but because I like taking drugs. To cease everyday use and to use only weekends is not something I need 'professional' help with - I am quite capable of doing it myself with the support of friends. As I said to Jason - let us help each other rather than hinder each other.
I need no fucked up Barbie dolls, people who are paid to tell me I have a 'problem' (when I already know it) or anything else like that, anyone who dares judge me. I am who I am. Despite my problems deep down I am not ashamed of who I am, I have retained my identity despite the 'void' which creates the need for men or drugs in my life....and it is that inner strength that does keep me alive, the fact I have an identity beyond the size of my breasts or shape of my behind. Jason wondered why unlike many childless women I have no substitute such as a pet........I said an animal, however fond of them I may be, is no substitute for a human...I don't want a child so I am happy having friends, lovers, whatever....and face it, men can be like children, they are my profession....why would I need any more substitutes for something I have no desire for anyway?