I can go a day or two without sticking chemicals up my nose....downers ease the edge but I am upset real bad....downers make my cry sometimes when I am like this. Still, more sales for the men who get most of the earnings of women like myself while lying on yachts.....the bloody expense of a habit. People like me who struggle pay for the greed of others who keep the prohibition racket going..........it sucks. Now when I say about legalising or decriminalising drugs I am not dumb. I do not suggest a chemist sells someone enough heroin to accidently kill themselves with....nor that cocaine should be sold by the sweet counter. Just put an age restriction, label how strong stuff is as with alcohol, and educate people ffs. It'd save money and lives. All my family once believed the government propaganda.....the example of me has taught them otherwise. They know what I've done to get drugs...and know I would not need give a chemist so much.
The world looks not good at the best of times with a coke habit when your supply runs low.........but then I have just enough to renew my supply tomorrow without earning. If I can be strong enough I'll be proud. Ironic I get it mainly off Jason....so in a sense he is earning from the heartache he has caused me, though he won't see it that way. Other guys I can see but quality not so good. My new friend who has some suggested I just don't ring him....get some flake then I won't for a few weeks, as if not for goods I'll let the man be and not suffer heartache. I am not a mercenary person.....but if I was there was a man I could've latched onto, guy who flogs a bit of coke and would support me to stop me earning was I his girlfriend....a lot of women in my situation would. But not me. He treated me, I wondered if he wanted payment in kind...........when it got to that point I was honest, explained how it is with what I do.....an act, and I think he wanted genuine lovemaking - which I was not able to give. This man was very nice, and it saddened me cos I think he does like me.....and can see I am hurting. But I can't bring myself to it unless there is money, I aint over Jason. This guy got fed up of me talking about Jason....just like Jason got sick of me talking about my ex when we first met, who he later accused me of wanting to be with......
HWe all had a good time....the turning of it all to dust was a gradual process. One love of my life has gone, even if not forever at least for now...and it could be forever....but the other I can always get if I have cash. The white dust may take my money but it at least gives me something back......my sense of well being, and on top of the world if I have enough. Jason said that before money it is the first love of his life. It is the first of mine before men and sex, music is the third. Money is just money, only means to me what I can get from it.
I can fake it with clients etc - but he knew I never faked with him. I hate to say this, but.....if he wants something genuine from a woman who aint after his drugs lest she pays (and I do) he knows where I am. Just get tearful when he had spare keys here, would phone say he was coming home etc, and we had fun then, he 'loved me to bits' and all. I know reason will never get round this, but I keep asking myself what I've done wrong, what else could I have done etc. It is so sad things come to this....but I know I must struggle alone for a while. Wish I had one or the other - and addiction on it's own is one thing, so is a relationship on it's own...but both? I should think of myself, then men would like me more and not treat me like the slut I live like with my clothes, garbage everywhere....but I feel the need to say why? I accept men how they are....even if they were fuck ups. If they were more fucked up than me I'd try.......but am I really this fucked up with drugs? Is it really enough to put a man off who had a bigger habit than me. There were many, many other things added tensions to that relationship.......my friend felt my pain the other night wished he could stop it but nobody could.....he said the least he could do was give me a hug....even if I wished it were Jason hugging me and not me. Wish he'd bring me his love....or hate is that is what it takes for him to be able to do it. It's not good being a lonely cocaine addict......gutted not being able to go out last week but at least I did this weekend had a dance. Must do it again soon....although notice so short only my new bud could come....I had no cash but he was kind enough to treat me, won't be forgotten. Nice to have good friends in this world.....they few and far between indeed.
Take care hon, I love you whatever you are.......If only you could say the same to me..........you expect so much, so much xxxx
4 years ago