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Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Vid...When You Were Mine

This is a video to remind you of the fact I am still alive....and how I am feeling right now. Forgive me, I know there are two sides to every story but I don't feel I did anything wrong in that relationship save for let the stress of it all get to me - this is seen as a sign of weakness. Had someone been more understanding and supportive I may not be left in this wreck. My flat is a shithole because I have grown to dislike living there due to unhappy memories....and the happy ones that may never return again. It is now I have to prove myself if I am to stand any chance of having back what I lost - and I've been so misunderstood that he seriously thought it was any company I craved, not just his, the numbskull. He'd say bring him, her, round, whoever, and I said the other night I'd rather be alone rather than suffer someone else's company. There's a friend round the corner intent on 'helping me' - I don't want it, I don't want anyone but me to clean this rotten apartment. I spent all day today sleeping after caning all my drugs last night, some of which I intended to save for today. I intended to play my guitar but I had an unexpected caller who I did not feel up to seeing - I only want to see people occasionally from now on. I haven't earnt the last few days....and I swear I lost some money I thought I had. I see little I really want to live for now......but I have to try, I know I am worth more than killing myself over someone who doesn't care too much for me right now, who has called me 'dirty' ever since I earned how I do to help him (at the time) more than myself. I've tried my best...and it was not enough. I was accussed of neglecting my appearance as my roots were showing, I felt a bit better after doing them but not enough. I've heard from someone I know what he and his friend said some horrible things about me....I won't bother asking if they are true because a truthful response is unlikely. They make my place into a dirthole then complain of the fact it is dirty.

I am sick of this despair, I want my happiness and zest for life back which I had last year. I'd been abused then but lived. People must think I am bonkers wishing to go back to a situation like that - pls don't judge. I loved him I still do.......feeling like this is killing me. No shrink can help, anti depressants make things worse rather than better. I just want to stop feeling like shit every day I am unable to get off my face and stop caring about it. Only a month ago he told me I was happier in a way, despite the madness, than I was when I was with my ex. He said he still remembers the good times we had......can they truly never be again? I hold nobody back, and I can look after myself when I am not an emotional wreck. I've tried all I can and it was never enough.......I don't know anymore what I need or want. I'm just sick of it.

I have to get myself organised, do what has to be done than start afresh, for my own sake as much as for anyone else. I hate sleeping in this bed alone, where my only wish is for unconsciousness......and if anyone else stays over I am sad it aint him.

Please God, help me weather this storm, keep the snakes away.......despite all I don't want to die....I just want life to be how it used to be when I was happy. Bring it back, don't let me starve myself here....I can't eat at the moment. Normally I can eat even on drugs, as I usually have enough self preservation, he remembers when I used to cook healthy food here.

Perhaps I have served my purpose, perhaps I have simply been ditched because I am no longer indispensible as a source of income. Who knows? Whatever explanation I get will not say everything, and it never will......but who would not find what I went through with him difficult, first being frightened of his fiends, gangstas etc then left to suffer the consequences, alone, left at their mercy. The man who once loved my guitar playing now laughs at it, and he laughed with his mates about what I did for a living so he could survive.

I've never had this before, someone to seemingly understand me so much then to turn on me like this. I made him complacent, that was the trouble. Nobody wants what is always there....and I was. Shame on me, shame, shame, shame.

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