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Friday, 12 February 2010

Updates

You guys have probably wondered why I haven't written for sometime.....it's because I've been pissed off, bad. I got ripped off big time by a pair of junkies.....more money than I can afford, and I've been despressed, hating myself real bad for falling for the scam. Never again, and maybe the money spent was worth it in a sense to learn for myself what they truly are about.......I knew they were not totally trustworthy, but being who I am I gave them the benefit of the doubt for so long....never again.

I was just so upset as I could've gone out tonight....but instead I had to earn. I could have got high and gone out if not for them, but no, no. misery as usual. I had to earn to get back what I lost, or at least part of it. But I had to get high...and knowing my luck I got an ex cokehead turned teetotallor as a client.....who saw my eyes, saw I was high etc and demanded half his cash back because he said it brought back 'bad memories' of when he fucked up. To add insult to injury....he asked why do I do this as I am an 'attractive girl' - YOU JERK! WOULD I MAKE A PENNY IF I WAS UGLY?

I then said 9 to 5 life is not for me to which he replied 'it must be better than this'. Well, no it aint!!! I've tried it and been far more unhappy being a straight working in an office than a whore...despite the problems of this life it is a better hell than the hell I had turning up 9am each morning reporting to a boss, doing boring work all day for shit money......who is he to say what is right for me? Cunt, motherfucker. I then told him he is a hypocrite, because if he hates women working as sex workers why does he seek them out? Typically he had no answer and conceded I was right....he just had to say he'd rather see me when I am not high. I suggested he come on a weekday, preferably during the day....this was a fucking Friday night after all......Ok, so I made a few mistakes. I forgot where I left my vibrator, I was a bit scatty etc....but what the hell.

I get vexed as fuck when tricks, of all people, attempt to tell me I should stop doing what I do.....even worse when they bring my looks into it and tell me I should be able to find a man to support me....yeah, right, motherfuck. Like I got to be lumbered with a jerk 24/7 instead of for an hour....no thanks. If I want to be with someone it is not for his money rather for love...sadly more often than not while I do as I do he ends living off me rather than vice versa. It is not the work I hate....just the attitude of some men and their foul hypocrisy. That trick.....fuck him and the ones I've met before like him.

He then said something to me re 'coming off the gear'....what if I don't want to? I am upfront......I don't do needles, I don't smoke crack, my only crime is liking a sniff.......had people not demonised me so for not only liking a sniff but being sexual, had it not been for snakes....God knows. I hate to blame other people...and it is true that cocaine is an expensive drug, I don't like synthetic uppers like amphetamines so I earn how I can....but what is my great crime? Really, had it not been for the strife brought into me by my soft heart that knows love and desire......the kindness of strangers etc........I'd still be the party girl I was six months ago. I would not be struggling to earn like this.....I do enjoy getting high, but when it comes to the point when I need to in order to escape my heartache and pain, you bloody snakes....hell. I will be no more the victim. I was unashamed of what I was to that moralising, hypocritical client. Fuck you, men, you wonder why I hate you sometimes? I know you aint all bad asses, but a lot of you do a good job. And don't you dare give me the moral highground - tell me I should not use, should not do what I do for a living, while you are paying me for my services? How fucking dare you? I'm gonna turn gay soon......

Seeing as I lost money I needed badly from that client I had to earn it back...so I had to go out.... I got that money back from a lonely man whose woes I listened to with my kind heart...but had I played that trick better and not lost that money I'd intended to practice some music.....

I would've caught up with my old mate had those smackheads not robbed me........My 'precious heart' is dead....thanks to the fiends the man who once loved it 'to bits' brought into my world......Hell, what have I done?

I don't blame this on the drugs.....the way I earn etc I only go on the street cos I broke and the phone is dead..........most of the girls there are on crack cocaine or smack, not sniff...they assume I am on what they are, ask do I want to get 'clean' etc......reason why I got my looks is cos I don't shoot smack no more nor do I smoke crack.....perhaps I should stand there with a label on my head saying 'cocaine girl', I aint selling cheap. I am just so vexed cos I had money in the week....and by my rotten luck those junkies took the opportunity to stitch me out of it...so I spent my Friday having to earn instead of going out partying as I could have.

I shall have a week off next week...I have tablets to calm myself. I will earn, pay some of my debts and blast over the weekend....leave this week behind and feel myself once more. Fuck those snakes who ripped me, what goes round comes round!

2 comments:

  1. As i read through your recent entries, in all honesty, I feel you. I know how it is to expect to have something around that is going to help you ease and for it to vanish or become unavailable is excrutiating. It's frustrating enough to bring tears and tantrums!
    Speaking of tears and tantrums, I threw a brutal one toward a man over the weekend, MY man to be specific, and it was all over how worthless they make me feel...Even HE does it, he's one of the nicest guys I've ever known, but at the end of the day, he's still a man. Whether they know it or not, they alway have their little way of stradling the fence as far as what's good for a woman...it's hard to explain, but I'm sure you know entirely all to well what I mean.

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  2. I do indeed.....they all do it to some degree....just some more than others.

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