Sorry for not having read many of your blogs lately - I will catch up I promise. I been too down to do anything, even earn.......Just gonna spend nearly half my giro on two grams.......waiting for the guy to show up so I can get on with cleaning this rotten apartment. Sad that I've sunk this low, that I am now so depressed I cannot even get my house together without a lift - but there you go that is how low I am right now. People can say as they will, that I am better off without him, and I should say the end is the end. But in my heart I know I'll go back to him if he wanted me to.....seeing the fact I'd done my hair last week reminded him of the girl he once loved before she became the wreck you see. People are so quick to blame the drugs...and I would agree that the expense of maintaining a habit causes stress. But once I at least took some care, I would ensure my place was relatively clean, force myself to eat even if not hungry and would practice my guitar playing....now it is hard for me to care about anything, anymore. Nobody will want me like this.....but the people who helped drive me to it, as usual, say it is entirely self inflicted. I agree it is partially so but not entirely, if you read my previous entries you'll see what I've been through - was I happy again there would not be this constant need to get high. Yes, I made my bed....but not alone, people have helped me make it and lied there with me when it suited them....now they can stand back and sneer at their handiwork. This is making me cry again.....stop it.
Later on I will write a serious post about the 12 step movement without constantly harping on about my personal woes...Damn them to hell. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.......right now I can feel enthusiasm about nothing. I had those guys lay into me for months, using me as a mirror for what was bothering them. Perhaps turn the clock back I could've built some enthusiasm for what they would occasionally suggest, like swimming, taking a sauna, everything. If he had a heart he'd find a way of least making up to me the money I gave him, for nothing, what kind of a man takes women for expensive dinners at the beginning of a relationship then demands the payment back when things begin to go sour? I hope the cunt knows I tried my best under close to impossible conditions. I am still sane, but barely. Please something give, please take my pain away. I cannot bear this any longer.