My new friend just popped out, he wanted to go out drop a few things at a friends but I just mislaid my keys....second damn pair. I'm as high as a kite and not concentrating too much....but I may well shag him, I do get hot on that stuff.Felt like shit earlier, amazing what a bit of white dust can do. Good stuff too, rare.
Had a rotten experience last night hassled by fucking junkies, smack and crackheads who wanted to scrounge and of course give all drug users a bad name.....they bloody assume I am into the shit they are, and the fact I do coke and know men who have it must mean I have money. Stupid Jason told them he's left me - and a single woman, sex worker, alone is a vulnerable target. The man was trying to move in as my new pimp, wants someone to supply his crack habit.....it won't be me. I told him I don't want a man right now, not over my last one, pure and simple. Didn't stop them theiving a tenner and some pills though, the fuckers. To me, personal theft is wrong, a line I won't cross. I felt awful when there has been times I felt tempting to try pick a pocket, nick a handbag if I feel shit and desperate for drugs - but I have never actually done that - it's been done to me and I know how it feels. Yet some people don't care, this girl came in bragging about having knicked a few mobile phones in return for money to get high on. Her addiction is not physical, she has a methadone script, it is psychological like mine, in fact more so as there is a physical side to my problem. I have a mild addiction to opiate based painkillers as well as a coke habit, although it is mild, began with pain from a knee injury (inflicted by my ex before Jason, took dihydrocodeine just to stop feeling pain, was not doing coke every day then, and before I look round I get dependent. My doc won't prescribe them as he does not want to support a habit - so I'll have to say - look, my knee is in pain, that fall last year aggravated an existing injury and my mild arthritus. My mental health issues cause me grief, anti depressants make me worse - the only thing that seems to deal with my symptoms save for cocaine are benzodiazepines). Funny but I had a few joints lately and it was ok, had a bit with some coke at first then found last night when I was in some relaxing company I chilled ok with them then just felt like sleeping. It was those scum turning up at past twelve desperate for a bag of crack or smack that ruined it for me. I know I must go easy on the joints after the bad experience recently - but maybe it had more to do with the tensions I had with Jason, as doing grass brings it to the surface. And people who are on it all the time are a pain....but then so can people on coke be, I know I can be the way I babble on at times 100 miles an hour and people not on it can't keep up, especially when I flit from topic to topic, on a tangent etc. But people on joints come out with ridiculous things...and I've thought ridiculous thoughts on grass....
My work, especially when the phone is dead, can be risky. If I have a man around I get left alone, the snakes don't come out so much.......Gonna tell people I got a man even if I haven't, and although I don't love him maybe I can hang out with my new mate, he does seem to like me enough to care for my well being. He flogs stuff too..and treats me a bit, but me accepting that is really no different from women accepting dinner dates or whatever from a guy. I don't wanna get involved with anyone, cos if I am honest I am still in love with Jason, although he can be so mean....and done and said some awful things.
Sex on coke is good, of course it is better in company than alone, uppers are social while downers are solitary, but it does bring out one's sex drive. I been bad, I texted him asked if he wanted to shag me, no strings, he did not reply. Guess I miss that attachment, affection as much as sex...sex with a stranger is cold, but it is great if I am into someone. I even miss the dominant side to him, ended sexualising his own dark fantasies - which were not that different from mine - he was just a dom and I was the sub. It could be sick....but one way I have had of dealing with jealousy in relationships is by fantasising about whoever I have been with shagging another woman in front of me while I am tied down. I get humiliated, teased, by both of them, the woman is dom as well. He makes me feel better by coming in my mouth while she uses a vibrator on me.....Jason had a similiar fantasy about doing such a thing to me, dreaming he is so wonderful and irresistable, getting hard by seeing a jealous look on my face.....does it turn him on to see me in pain? I know there are men, sadists, who get off on seeing women cry, suffer.....some men maybe have streaks of it but it does not mean they are true sadists any more than I am a total masochist. I don't enjoy being in pain, physically or mentally - I just like rough, submissive sex where I let someone do whatever he wants or pretend I will (don't mean he can, of course there are things I won't do and someone who knows me will know that). I am one of the few women I know who prefers to give than to receive oral sex if I am really into someone. Of course I get pleasure from receiving...but ironically it is casual encounters where this happens more as it is a physical thing, whoever gives is submitting.....and if I'm into someone I get off on being in the submissive role. My last relationship....he hadn't given me head for a long time and I wasn't bothered, it wasn't that important, though I like being touched etc. Men can get lazy if their presence, feel etc is enough to turn a woman on........God help me if I got lazy and ordered a man to suck my c**t.
I won't go into any other of my perverse fantasies, likes etc....truth is that I cannot say I like to go without sex, it's as important to me as drugs or music. Why Courtney Love has been a bit of an inspiration to me....I like her look, subject matter, attitude and the raw kind of sexuality - the 'Violent' video was about a woman who likes rough sex, being used in a way - there is a dark side to female sexuality just as there is to mens. Coke makes me filthy.......and it can be mind blowing to shag on it with the right person if you are on the same level. A lot of people say MDMA/Ecstasy is the best kind of drug for sex - while it can be good, it is more of a physical type buzz, physical orgasms rather than the mental ones that can be so..wow! It's just a pity stimulants cause men not to be able to perform sometimes, which leads to frustration on both sides sometimes. Worse if the man gets hung up and everything gets ruined....that's why a lot of those guys have viagra.
Should've earnt more, even today or tonight as I am broke again, the disturbances last night fucked me up, being hassled and stolen from in the middle of the night. I need to move from here...or get someone else to move into the spare room again, at least, so I have some back up and help with the rent as well (which is in arrears like all else). I'll exercise some self control soon, just hard when you wake and feel like shit and know there is an instant cure for it...if you have the cash. But rght now I'm enjoying my buzz and wanna be positive..hope my mate comes back like he said....as I've lost my keys as well, damn!
4 years ago