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Thursday, 18 February 2010

Resolve

I resolve to put last week behind me with it's unhappiness, the thefts, rip offs that resulted in a lonely binge the next day and stopped me going out on Friday. It is gone, it is behind me and was a lesson learnt. I just annoyed the hell with myself - as had I not been so dumb I could have in fact used the money I earnt, had I saived and put what I had there with what was in the bank - and obtained a decent amount of gear, saved more money that way.

Some drug users may find my attitude unusual - the fact I admit my lifestyle has been a choice, I don't follow the 12 step bullshit (more on that later) that tells me I am 'powerless' over what I put up my nose - it is my choice. People will notice that I seem unashamed, and that is because I really aint hurting anyone with my lifestyle, save for taking my own risks. Cutting down I intend to do.......but when I am good and ready. I'm hoping if I restore some happiness I may be ready...and I doubt I will meet my resolution of staying off from Monday until next Friday.....but I'll see how long I last, at least it is a goal. Maybe a day at a time might be easier...if I can go two days, Monday and Tuesday, that will be an achievement..as I have been bad lately. I get like this when I am at a low ebb...perhaps it is my way of getting over things, coping, but it comes to a point where I slow down. I know myself well.

4 comments:

  1. Well, I don't find it any more unusual than a person who, after a hard days work or a particularly harrowing personal situation says, 'Fucking hell, let's go down to the pub' or 'Quick,let's duck out for a smoke'. Only you can judge yourself and find where you sit comfortably.
    'Powerless' hahaha. 'Higher power' hahahaha.
    I hope you enjoyed my blog on that particular issue. In fact I think you did, so thanks for the comment.
    You do what you have to do girl, knowing my support for you is unwavering.

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  2. a goal is always a great first step. i agree that you should't feel obligated to do/chage aythig i regards to yourself util you are good ad ready. this was a very hopeful post.
    by the way, the reaso my typig looks dumb is because the key beside the "m" does't work o my laptop aymore... haha

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  3. Thank you both. I'll probably rant a little bit later re 12 steps when I feel up to it......But it is true Dan, a lot of people say after a harrowing time lets go down the pub or whatever...just that it is socially acceptable and legal - whereas what I do is not.

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  4. Well we live in hope that one day, probably not in our lives, that whatever intoxicant we imbibe is nobody's bidness but our own.
    Wow Rachael Reprobate, what a bummer, (n)o '(n)'! You could write it freehand, but that...hmmm, that really wouldn't work would it.
    Excellent comment

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