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Monday, 15 February 2010

Relief.....

Relief may have come from an unexpected source....while I was on the way to the off licence I met a trick. Like the other guy I met last week on the street he sells coke, and weed too. He paid me in cash and weed, which I shall use to get high tonight, exchange both for a gram.

He is coming round tomorrow for a session, according to him he has good gear and I'm gonna try a bit, free session....and I always can pay in kind when he feels. I now no longer have to rely on that jerk Jason for my supply (he'd deleted his friends numbers from my phone so I could only rely on him) but no more. Thanks to the way he has treated a woman who he once meant the world too, he may well have lost a customer as well as a source of emotional support, that was financial too when he needed it.......He claimed to hate what I did for a living....but he didn't mind it when he needed the money. Only thing I get off him from now on is pills, I get the other from elsewhere.....

I may well soon find a burden has been lifted. Perhaps had it been another time, another place....but life aint like that always, I know I must move on. Perhaps getting out will avert the nervous breakdown I felt was coming.........and I can once more use drugs for fun, not to escape from misery. This means I won't have to walk the streets so often, I shall continue with my odd customers here but won't rely so often on it. The happy go lucky party girl my friends knew and loved may be back sooner than they thought...no longer dependent, controlled, able to find someone at last who accepts and loves me for who I am and not for my 'potential'. I never ask men to change for my sake.....I loved him despite his fuck up. Sad he could not do the same for me. How he deluded himself he could 'help me' when his habit was ten times the size of mine is total madness.......like I could be any help to anyone now. I must help myself.....and how could he have helped me when he was in no position to help himself. The man who could 'maintain' who was 'on top' having no option but to live off a woman he had helped go back to being a streetwalker....help indeed!

I want to earn more tonight so I will keep this brief.......but a word about the self harm I did last night. I wanted to see blood to remind myself I was alive, while it is not quite suicide mutilation is a substitute of reminding yourself that you exist and have the power to end it if you want, it is hard to explain....I did not earn as I was in bits over the theft of my pills, and worried he would not come with more....at least he had the heart to do that. He is not evil...just fucked up, too fucked up for me with my own issues. It is my birthday next week.......maybe I shall use that as the opportunity to say one last goodbye and then be on my way......I will survive. There is one source of control he has now lost.....he no longer has his dust as a weapon, and what loyalty do I owe him? Why should I only buy from a man who denies he ever was my boyfriend (that was not what he said at the beginning when he almost lived with me, told me he was 'coming home' after a night in the pub etc). I am still hurting, that I can't deny....but move on I can and will.

It is not the first time I have loved and lost.....he failed me because he chose to switch off his emotions as far as I was concerned. He blames me for 'making him a wreck', 'dragging him down to my level' - abusers are so great at turning it round, fortunately it is a trick I can see through as it was what my last ex did all the time.

Goodbye, maybe one day I'll be able to wish you well, but now I am still too hurt......Remember you loved me once, although you pretend to forget or say it was only because you were high - but now your eyes are open to the train wreck I am. Because you made me one, you cunt!!!

I am not unnattractive and know there are other men out there who would not say no. I have a lot of love to give....it was ultimately his loss. Despite what I am.....I know deep down I deserve more than that.

3 comments:

  1. I know what you mean about the deliberate self harm, and I know you'll find the right one someday, good on you! Your street walking friend, x x x

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  2. Damn right you deserve more than that. People who choose to look only at the surface of a person and judge them on the basis of what they do for work or what they can do for them are very shallow indeed.
    I feel sorry for those who only skim the surface of humanity and aren't prepared to dig deeper and see the many layers that we are comprised of. It is their loss and it does sell us short.
    In the short time I have 'known' you I have gained some insights into a truly honest, incredibly deep and beautiful human being who is willing to bare her soul and search for some of those elusive truths that befuddle us all.If I only had half the strength of you..
    Keep on writing and sharing, because it mesmerizes me.
    Let this be one of the first of many best birthday wishes to you girl!

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  3. Thank you very much Dan for your kind words....and you too masochist. It'll take me time to get over it.....perhaps he'll remember the affection he once had for me...I just get sad because when I first knew him I was not doing that kind of work, although I had in the past. He wanted me to do it because he wanted the money.....and this is what happens in return.

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