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Sunday, 28 February 2010

Ramblings

What can I say? My man is back....I don't know if it was because he truly decided he does miss me and have feelings or is looking out for his own interests....maybe it is a bit of both. Hell, he knows I love him but does not like himself much. Like me, he went on a big coke binge last week......seperate from me but I was in the same place, I have a sore nose that someone noticed. Perhaps he came back to me because of my heart, cos he knows I am forgiving and to his credit he does not like to see me picked on - he knows that walking the streets aint really for me, I am worth more....although neither of us mind if we are desperate, I get paid because I don't look too rough, not having been through years of heroin abuse (although I admit it is something I have done). I get dumb when I am fucked up.........This woman, a fucking snake under the pretence of friendship, stole my pills and tried to steal my man too....knowing I aint in a good spot. But some people have no scruples, see kindness for weakness. Hell, she assumes the fact I choose to snort coke rather than buy tenners worths of heroin and crack cocaine means I must be rich. Higher class I may be than a lot of the fuck ups out there who give head with no rubber for a tenner....but I aint rich, I got a habit I have trouble maintaining, great trouble.

In my younger years addicted sex workers had some sense...like me those years back (and now for that matter) we used to get the money we needed for the night, for our drugs and whatever else we needed for ourselves or our men sat at home....and score our drugs when we finished work for the night in the morning. Enough for a gram of coke, more than enough. Now there are desperate, screwed upp young women who will accept ten pound for a fix of smack, or twenty for one bag of smack, one of crack, shoot both up then go and earn again...and do the same again....and are almost always out there. They will fuck without rubbers, they don't care or think themselves invulnerable........how many young people feel, immune from the threat of disease, danger, death etc. Now I never beahved that destructively....but when I remember that invincible feeling when I was young.....the youth today, at least, appear to take it to more extreme, now the fear of the Aids epidemic aint so extreme and all.

But girls, whatever you been through, get some self respect back, what has happened? To suck a cock with no rubber for a tenner, or to shag any random stranger unprotected is showing self hatred, it is horrible to hear of - get some help. Drugs are no excuse....I've had big habits and they never made me do that kind of thing, heaven knows why............now I get junkies wanting me to join them in their hell, people saying to me I should shoot etc, the bitch who nicked my pills also tried to get my man......this life can be a danger. Anyone who walks the streets should be careful, not only of men but some of the women too.....posing as friends only in order to scrounge for their next fix.......I claim no superiority despite the fact crack and smack have more of a 'low life' element due to their association with a lower socio economic catergory....hell........most cocaine users I know have been into the crack thing for a while like I was.....and it fucked them up. I have no wish to go back there. It is wrong the way crack cocaine is marketed to the poor....offering rip off ten, twenty pound deals while a gram of regular coke costs between £40 and £100 depending on the quality - that is partly why I do nothing for less than £40. My price is what I put up my nose....excuse my self deprecation.

On the streets the other night a man who turned out to be the brother of the women who nicked my pills pulled up...I assumed he was a client. I learnt who he was...he asked if I possessed a crack pipe. I didn't (cos I don't generally do it) but I'd had no sniff that night and could do with a lift...so I said he could use an empty can at mine in exchange for a hit of his stupid drug....it cost me). Him and his rotten sister showed up later while I had a client/friend. I got him to tell them I was asleep cos I'd just had a joint and wanted an early night...did not stop them banging on my door. The man transparently offered to be my new pimp, assuming Jason was off the scene. I was not interested. I made it clear I had no interest in their drugs of choice either, or in shooting. In return I got stolen off again. I had no wish to let them in, they only got through the main door cos they waited for my client to leave...he told them I was asleep but still they banged on my door....I answered to avoid disturbance and had to bear her bragging about her thieving. I was told they would 'look after me' with shots of crack and smack...I was not interested, I just wanted to sleep. Although I watched this pair like hawks they still managed to steal off me....

This shit happens to me cos I am soft, even clients see I am warm hearted, despite my self chosen nickname of snow queen and attempts to be cold as them. It is a long story....but I have few female friends due to all the bitchiness. A tart I may well be, but I am one with a heart as Jason says (excuse the cliche).

Some girls have it in for me not because I've done anything to them but because I know men with a lot of drugs....and they want the drugs. They try turn the men against me, compete etc. Fortunately the men I know can see through it....and I am smart enough to see through the attempts of desperate amateur crack pimps, had and tried it before. I don't want them in my life or their shit which is 90% benzocaine anyway. Fuck off, don't take me for a cunt.

Believe me, in this world it is safer to have back up if you are not as hard as nails....and I aint. I know my situation aint normal...but I never will be totally normal. Most men would not have a hooker as a girlfriend....but with my problems I cannot hold down a nine to five job, although it causes complications it suits me better. Meanwhile I intend to look for a cash in hand sales job....I have done telesales before, I have the talk. Streetwalking is shit to rely on, I don't want to live like this forever.....perhaps one day my writing will be my salvation, I have potential and will make it. I don't want to be a sex worker forever...not that I find the work unbearable....but I know too well there are younger, cheaper women than me. I still have my looks and my intelligence to my advantage, along with the experience of an older woman (MILF in porn terms) but it won't be forever, I have other potentials I wish to fulfill.....

When my life improves and I get some esteem back I will be able to relax with a joint, beer, pill, in the evening, whatever, and save my parties for once a week and weekends....smaller dose in the weekday, and I'll save that for Wednesday in the pub....it'llbe easier now I don't hurt so much......and in the meantime I'll do what I must to keep on my feet and keep these crims off my mans back again cos he fucked up.....he feels terrible and I said don't worry, I been just as bad this past week on a binge......don't beat yourself up. To his fairness he is as harsh on himself as on me....but is it constructive? It isn't any good to anyonw. He said to me today he wants to have a break from coke til next weekend as he had been up 5 nights on it......I said I broke my own resolution so maybe we can help each other for a change.....make a new start and cut the bullshit....if I don't own him he don't own me. He is in a bad way, he asked me why I love him....I said what I liked about him initially but as to why you love someone....that is a bit deeper to answer, aint it? It is hard to explain what kind of bond I have with this man, few people understand....but hey. Not all have walked in my shoes. Although in some ways he has attracted danger to me, he does protect me from it if I see to him....

I can't describe how I felt this afternoon waking up to the man I thought had gone and I wanted back despite it all.......it had been so long I woke up to hear his voice and did not know who it was.......when I knew he was there I was not depressed for the first time in ages. He had trouble cos he'd lost his car keys, and I panicked too, we both turned the place upside down....he found them eventually while I was out. Cops were about tonight.....next week I will earn, pay some of my debts off, and save enough to party....I just have to focus, be clear, far easier with no heartache. I will keep my friends around me, I won't antagonise the men in my life by getting stressed and making demands they only perceive as nagging....I am going to look back and start over....remember who I was only four or five months back. Life can be sweet again...if I so make it. And the vultures stay away when I have a man behind me.....fuck them and their games. Despite all his faults he does care, I know, though he acts at times like he doesn't. He looked at me tonight in a way he had not done for ages.......cos I think he remembers. How it used to be, how I used to be and how he used to be before all this got to him..........tomorrow I shall try get hold of some grass, I have my pills and get one or two beers..........I had a day off last week, I can if there is none. Let's see if I can last til Wednesday.........and I can show him as well as myself that I have willpower, gradually learn to control that white dust and not let it control me......

3 comments:

  1. Girl....Im am aghast with happiness for you (aghast?Maybe overwhelmed). That is great, all is good and you can do it. Huzzah!

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  2. Thank you Dan, I do hope things work out. Had nothing today, haven't earnt just gonna go out and try to get a little for phone credits....gonna lay of until Wednesday at least if I can't withstand temptation, then leave it for the weekend and have a rest on Sunday. Slept most of today, needed the rest and to be honest I woke up not feeling depressed for a change. Those snakes had been trying to cause grief, threatening me etc and my man saw them off.......You have to be hard to work the streets independent these days without back up, and I am not that hard........if you look at Courtesans post it is no longer safe to be out there without a pimp/minder as it used to be......I don't intend to be there forever but while I must be......I feel more secure knowing I have someone there for me, and we agreed not to do those things that annoy the other. I felt awful having to do that work with nobody to go home to, and having to get high to escape the heartache. I don't pretend everything is perfect, but right now I feel a damn site better than I did....

    I remember when I had my friend stay, gave me a cuddle so I felt a bit better, but he knew and I knew I wished it was Jason.......and I was honest with him, I didn't want to lead him down the garden path pretending to fall in love with him and all that, although it may have been to my advantage...I just am honest, not predatory, said I needed a friend and that was all at the time.

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  3. Well, as far away as I am, anytime you need a shoulder, mine is there for you ok?

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