The good news is......he did come through with my pills.
The bad news is......my resolution to stay off til the weekend is not going so far.....the man who once loved me no longer cares for me as anything but a money and sex object, and my 'precious heart', on which I spent so long flogging a dead horse for, is in shreds, tatters. He once practically lived here, used my place as a dumping ground and with the help of his fiends has driven me to be the woman you see, who I did not want to be but now am once again. I am not ashamed of who I am......but he with his verbal abuse tells me I should be. He has made me into a wreck and is leaving me alone to deal with the consequences.
I am now on my way to the pawnshop to pop my acoustic guitar and a camera to get money for a gram of coke..........I never thought it would come to this. Walking the streets is bad enough.....but self harm, popping my goods? I must go on a bender to deal with the loss of a love that maybe never truly existed..He has what he wanted from me. He has had his money to pay back his dealers, he had my love when he needed it. I have never in my life been dumped with so little compassion. I am close to a breakdown....and it is not the drugs but the men in my life who have destroyed me, or almost done. He dragged me into his hell of addiction and now wants to get clean, but fuck me. I am alone and must deal with it for the time being and get my life in order, no help from the man who destroyed my life.. While he was in bed with me today using me for a shag another woman phoned.....in my presence he made a sexual comment to her. I have done all I can for him, crucified myself and this is the thanks I get. He said he wanted to help me....some help! Helping me to insanity....
Just please, readers, pray for me. Pray I get over having my heart broken again. Pray that by the summer I will be what I was last year once more - the party girl who got high went dancing weekends......and lived for my music. Pray I find another man, one who can love me despite my problems. If there is anyone like that out there who can help me recover another abusive relationship.......I need him. I need to be loved, not for my 'potential' (as both he and my ex said) but for who I am, warts and all. I am not a bad person just fucked up.....please bring him to me so I can get over Jason (who hit me again last night, who truly believes I enjoy abuse....does this look like I enjoy it?
I wish I could wish him well but I cannot right now...how can I when he has ruined me so? It is not all his fault....I collaberated in my own destruction....but no more. I will ask his friend to deliver as he has no compassion left for me....seeing his face only breaks my heart again.
4 years ago