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Monday, 1 February 2010

Fucking Alcohol..


I mean it....never shall I go to the pub again with no coke, never, unless it is just for a couple of beers. Large quantaties of alcohol minus cocaine or a valium does not work for me - I am a drug addict rather than an alcoholic, and cannot relate to the buzz some people get from alcohol, the excitement. I can drink without drugs.....but there is a limit, I cannot handle excessive use. I drink to mellow, get a little tipsy maybe....but not to get drunk, smashed. I hate that feeling.

Alcohol abuse for me always ends in tears, whereas with coke I enjoy myself 90% of the time, it only goes wrong if I am in bad company and not feeling comfortable. With alcohol it does not matter what company I am in - any more than three pints of beer or a few glasses of wine and I am fucked, I am a misery to myself and all around me. It fucks me up - I cannot speak properly and I start getting clumsy, falling over, everything. I hate that out of control feeling. That's why I can only handle any downer in small quantaties unless it is mixed with an upper - I've only ever used any downer to relax or comedown, never to get wrecked on. I see no point - because I either fall asleep or blackout and forget what has happened anyway. I have woken with a strange man on the bus assaulting me, broke my leg, woken in a hospital due to too much alcohol. Excessive alcohol use is not social for me because I get inarticulate, it fucks my speech up til I cannot get my words out. I do not have a good time, and I see all around me enjoying themselves while I feel rotten. It does not work - but those who enjoy it can look down on the likes of me because their poison is sanctioned by the law and mine is not. Puke, double puke.

Wine is worse than beer - at least beer has a sparkle which gives it an upper effect. One of my clients tried to play head games with me by buying me endless bottles of wine as presents.....I said bring money, beer, or a spirit.... or not bother at all.

I can handle a couple of glasses of wine.....but not more. My friend Mary is an alcoholic, she does not like coke, she will have a line if offered but not spend money on it....the only drugs she has bought are ectasy or amphetamines. I will use ecstasy or amphs if offered - they are stimulants after all - but not buy them, to me they are a cheap substitute, amphs or Es to me are to cocaine what methadone essentially is to heroin. Heroin addicts will drink methadone for want of the real thing - but would rather have heroin if they can.

I only intended to have a couple of drinks with Mary - but she pleaded I stay for another, and another. I know she's been there for me - and has a hard time with Alex, who is now in jail. Mary has gotten into trouble with alcohol and maybe should contain it. She is not the type of alcoholic who would rattle in the morning - any more than I need a line to get out of bed - although if I could afford it would be nice lol. But one drink leads to another with her - whereas it gets to a point where I have enough. I knew I'd had enough, foresaw it ending in tears.......but shame, I let myself be led, became a follower rather than a leader on this occasion. Mary wanted to go drinking all night....I said if I was to do that I needed coke. She said why don't I have the night off.....I said I had intended to but the fact I had by then already had more wine than I intended was making me want, need, a sniff. I explained how I do not like the alcohol buzz alone, going out on the piss does not work, does not get me high, save for the odd occasion with beer and not wine due to the fizz, wine has no fizz and is a pure downer, depressive.....I have already been depressed.

Somebody she knew came in - the ex girlfriend of her daughters ex (and father of her unborn grandchild), who was saying her ex boyfriend had abused her and she wanted him done by the cops for hitting her....she was angry and bitter. We both suggested letting it go, leaving it behind....but her boy was not a crim like Alex or Jason, not like our men.......I was already down because Mary had called Jimmy in the hope he and Jason would come meet us with a sniff on credit......I knew they had none themselves and would have to arrange it elsewhere, and I wanted to go earn anyway, but the fact I'd spent too long in that divey pub made it unlikely. Jim decided to play games, pretend to not know who I was at first....and then of course neither of them wanted to hook up with the mouthy 'piece of dirt' who cares for nothing but her next sniff........

All this after my beloved had scrounged what he believed to be my last ten pounds earlier on the promise he'd come back tonight. Before he left he said he would 'try his best' to come back. I knew by then he wouldn't, and the promise was only due to the fact he wouldn't have been able to scrounge anything otherwise.

He said he must go away for two weeks to his uncle in the country to take time out.....he is a sick man and 'no good to anyone, not even himself' in his present condition. I agree, I suggested that to him a few months back that we go away, he wasn't up for it then as he had no money nor did I, and I knew nothing of this uncle then......see how I have tried? I have rattled myself for his sake, restrained myself from asking for coke while I have been feeling ill from a lack of downers as well as uppers.....while he chills out with a joint, joints make me psychotic. I agree going away would do him good....and he promised his mate would see to it I have gear while he's gone and give me a good deal, I shouldn't worry...as if I won't miss him, like all I care for is dust.....and I must sit here and wait, stuck in a job I now hate thanks to him calling me dirt.....I said why not give his business to me......he responded he'd promised his friend who he'd known longer, and anyway he already had his own contacts and transport.....but if I want to earn that way I can build my own business when this money deal comes through....but he doubts I'd have the discipline, to which I responded not to underestimate me. He said he'd be proud if I did.....but I could go to jail, to which I replied prison is a better fate than death at the hands of some madman I meet on the streets, I am sick of earning that way. He said if I hate it so much now why don't I stop....like he doesn't know I am broke, as if stopping is an option for me, if only, and part of why I am broke is due to helping him. He aint going back to his ex, that was just said to fuck with my head, but still.......I lack the escape routes he does, I have no relatives in the country to have a break with, save for my fucked up parents, to go to them would be no break but a return to my shitty childhood, and I've no money to go away alone.

This girl in the pub banging on about her own domestic violence not giving a stuff about mine........heads up where the sun will never shine. I kept getting told by her to shut up when I tried to get a word in....and by then I was inarticulate due to the alcohol, booze affects my speech more when I am a nervous wreck, stuttering, slurring etc......I remembered my ex who accused me of having cerebal palsy and commented on how alcohol affects my speech badly, like a playground bully would do 'spastic' impersonations, screaming in my face, 'you retard', 'spastic', 'whore' etc while making faces at me. The last time he did that to me I got sick of begging him to stop, and finally slapped him - which gave him ammunition. After that I was the abuser, a 'violent class a drug addict' who bashes men about....the motherfucker, psychopath.......after I slapped him he pulled me off the bed and nearly broke my leg, then he pushed me out of his vehicle, threw my guitar out after me and said 'get out you vile crack whore, go and shag some guy for a £20 bag of crack'.

Remembering this shit, and being fed with somebody else's negativity was too much for me....it was too late to earn, no chance of a sniff now, and I could not continue drinking without a sniff.....they wanted more drink when I'd wanted to go home for a long time....I should've been firmer rather than staying for the sake of giving my friend my miserable company...and fucking my evening up as well as inflicting my negativity on others......and having that girl's inflicted on me, especially when domestic violence was the subject, of all things. This girl reminded me of me when I was young, she looked wide eyed, innocent, and was playing the victim role so well......I knew her boyfriend had only done that because she let him. This young man had already been giving Mary (who was nothing but the mother of his ex!) abuse, threatening her not to see his other ex, acting like a bully simply because he was a man.....he may not be a criminal but still seems to be a bully who abuses his girlfriends if he can. We both said this girl was very pretty but cannot let go of this man........I was told by Mary I should have more confidence, and this is something I get sick of explaining, lack of confidence is not my problem. I have confidence, I am extroverted and speak my mind, the fact I am a bag of nerves and put up with abuse does not mean a lack of confidence, lacking a sense of self esteem is not the same as confidence, nobody can say I am shy...and I get sick of being misunderstood in this way. I suffer from the void syndrome, I feel empty within and all....but this is not an issue of 'confidence'. I had people say this when I was young....and it made things worse. My ex, in a rare moment of compassion and sanity, told me never to doubt who I am and apologised for having made me do that. Sadly, a man who has lived off me since and told me I am dirt for letting him do so along with for how I have got the means, has made me feel I must pay for his affection, company, anything.....when deep down I know I am worth more, I know I should not have to buy affection, I can see what he has done....breaking me down to make me feel it is all I deserve, like I am so insufferable I must pay a man to put up with me, because 'everyone hates me' etc. I don't believe him.....but I love the little jerk and wish I did not. But what I've done for a living under his recent encouragement means, according to him, that no other man would have me, because in the eyes of society I am dirt. Yes, I am dirt and I hurt, hurting dirt, right.

Mary is a good friend and I appreciate that, she is one of the few people who doesn't advise me to give up either him or coke.....because she can see it isn't easy, not everyone has walked in my shoes, she gives me support without judging me.....most people do tell me to give him up or give the drugs up, or both. She doesn't. But the effect of the wine, Jimmy on the phone, and the girl's sob story were making me depressed. I burst into tears, sobbed into my rotten wine.....and they would not serve the girl because of me, who did not want any more to drink anyway and was going home....I had ruined my evening because the alcohol had made me feel bad and I had not earned, my bloody man had nothing so any sniff on credit was impossible, nobody else would give me credit and he'd had deleted his mates number off my phone so that I depend on him.....hell, hell. Never again shall I go to any pub with no sniff unless it is one or two beers in the afternoon...which was how I had intended it to be. I had not intended to be there at 9pm still feeling lousy on wine. If I am to have a night off it means just that, a night with no sniff means two beers in the evening and that is it. The bar staff were rude to me when I insisted I wanted no more to drink. I left of my own volition, miserable and wretched. I never knew Mary's drink problem was so bad....she hasn't eaten for three days and had a bellyache, everything. I had long wanted to return home, bath and eat.....

I didn't eat till 6am save for a bag of crisps and ended crashing on the living room chair. I called him....and mentioned his promise to come over. I took Mary's advice tried to talk him normally to stop him hanging up, tried not to argue or nag......I do sometimes talk normally to him but he makes it harder every day...the 'ball of stress' as he calls himself......the fact he mentioned he had just been chilling with a joint was too much........he knows it presses my buttons and I get so upset, I say count himself lucky that shit does not work for me and the lousy doctors in this district will not give me the tablets I need to 'chill', the mental health system here is rotten and the pills I need are not easily available on the black market...I would much rather stayed here played my guitar and waited for calls rather than be in that rotten pub.....and he let me down, again, after he'd scrounged, again. He hung up on me, again. He turned his phone off. I was hysterical, I felt like dirt, rotten, I screamed, those fucking leaves make him act mean. I called up my mate and begged him for a couple of his prescription diazepam. He kindly obliged, I went there and finally relaxed. A man was there who is an ageing heroin addict, I saw one of his sons on Saturday who is on smack now too, his brother committed suicide when he was young after being involved in a shoot out, turf war over drug dealing. I cried when I saw this man, his niece cried too when she saw him last time he was in town. I remember his sons when they were only fourteen, lovely boys they were, I used to hug them both as they had no mother, she was in a mental home. The tale of that family is heartbreaking but I am glad to have that father and son as friends. Fucked up they may be but they love me, would do anything for me and hate to see me hurting.

I relaxed when with my people of the night with my pills. I had some cider but the fizz gave me enough of a lift and was ok with the pills. I can't relax with wine in a pub with no sniff, however much a good friend Mary is and how well she relates to me and all. My friends could see how angry and hurting I was about what has been going on in my life, how I've been taken for granted. However, one of them said the wrong thing that put oil on troubled waters, he meant no harm but it was not what I needed, suggested my man is going back to his wife for two weeks, that he has other women and all he wants me for is scrounging, he doesn't care. He does scrounge, he treats me like dirt that I know and the relationship is fucked up, abusive, but I know deep down he does he just doesn't show it, takes me and other people for granted but at the end of the day I do love him and he cares about me in his own way, it is as he admits...his head is too far where the sun does not shine.

But at least I relaxed, I am alive and did not break down, I have been way too stressed, I wish a break for two weeks off this scene was an option I could afford. Something will give soon. At least it wasn't a totally bad end to a screwed up night. I have learnt my lesson the hard way....wine does not mix with me, at least not too much, if I have no sniff two glasses are my maximum if I don't want to end sobbing into my glass. Depressants can be deadly indeed, especially with no fizz.

2 comments:

  1. That's some interesting points of view; cocaine is good, alcohol is bad. Statistics show that use of alcohol leads to a lot of violence in bars and streets. I also know some people who prefer marihuana rather than alcohol, though I have understood from you blog that you hate marihuana. I guess the fact that some drugs are legal (alcohol) whereas others are illegal, is more due to tradition and history rather than objective facts.

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  2. Indeed, the objective facts show alcohol to be far more deadly. The fact it has been in society longer does not make it better at all. I wouldn't say it is all bad and has no uses but the hypocrisy annoys me when some people think alcohol is less harmful than drugs because it is legal....that's based more on ignorance than anything else. The alcohol I drink does me more damage than the coke for sure.....if I did like marujuana I probably would smoke that instead of drinking alcohol for the sake of a downer - but it drives me round the bend, although physically it is probably less damaging (physically harmless if eaten and not smoked....but it is usually smoked). Someone suggested I swallow rather than sniff coke as some of it gets stuck and wasted in your nostrils and can fuck it up if you do a lot for years....but damn it, I prefer to snort it as the effect is better! These same people suggest I shoot it.....like I want to fuck my veins and risk accidents with needles, no thanks!

    I know some people too who prefer marujuana to alcohol...Funny, but I went through a stage when I was younger of smoking grass with coke to mellow out. I used to be able to do it when I was younger I just can't handle it now for some reason. Others are fine with it - but what annoys me is when some users of grass claim it is harmless - it isn't, no drug is harmless. I don't care how much they deny it - I do believe it to be related to psychosis, I've seen it. People would think I was well fucked up if I was to deny the existence of cocaine psychosis, for example, simply because I do it doesn't mean I tell people it is harmless!

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