Search This Blog

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Downs and Ups......

A few words about the differences and similarities between addictions to ups and downs....

I saw an old smackhead friend of mine Saturday night, I've known him since he was 14. I may tell his story later, but it is heartbreaking. Addiction has tore his family apart.....his father, who I saw the other night, is an ageing junkie. Like father, like son in this case. His brother died committing suicide at aged 19. I remember them both as happy boys going by their circumstances, hanging with their mates after school, doing a bit of grass. I used to buy smack from their dad, and although he did not let them go without materially he didn't pay enough attention to them, consumed by his own addiction. He used to inject in front of them. I expressed sadness at the fact I was accompanying the son while he looked to score a fix Saturday night..........

But we had a chat about our respective addictions. To this guy there is nothing better on Earth for him than 'when the smack goes through his veins'. It is better than sex, than anything else he can think of. This is how I feel about getting high, although heroin is not my drug of choice now. He asked me why don't I shoot my coke, I'd get more out of it.....to which I responded I don't want needles, done before but not now. Had he managed to obtain smack I might have done a little with what remained of my coke, snorted both at the same time (speedball), I've been fucked up. But maybe it was better he didn't get any...

Coke is more expensive than smack, but the guys normally come to your door, you don't have to wait outside in the rain or hang around banging on the doors of bedsits etc. Heroin, as my friend put it, does have this 'low life' kind of stigma about it. While I am not saying cocaine addiction is greatly superior, it kind of doesn't have the same darkness about smack addiction, although I have seen it's own kind of darkness first hand, as is described in this blog. It strikes me that heroin is more a drug geared in and of itself towards addiction as only an addict can truly appreciate it...and it is hard work becoming a heroin addict. It takes time for one's tolerance to increase....and before it does you will puke up many times and not feel 100% comfortable. Cocaine, on the other hand, does not cause all these unpleasant side effects the first few times you use it, you get high without all that. If anything, it may be too easy.....

One is an extreme upper, the other is an extreme downer. My mate and I both agreed that a speedball is the best thing on Earth as the two balance and compliment and each other rather than cancel each other out, the use of a downer with an upper mellows the upper, the use of an upper with a downer keeps you awake to get high and stops you nodding out. I recognised one old junkie mate of mine (the girl I addressed the letter to last month, published here) and myself were worlds apart when she said that mixing coke with her heroin 'keeps you awake to enjoy the smack buzz', while I said the opposite - a downer mellows the coke buzz.. For her the smack buzz is the main thing, but not for me, the coke buzz is. She misunderstood me long ago, assumed I was a downers person like her when I never have truly been. I got into heroin years ago after too much crack, and it was only depression and the need to withdraw after too much stimulant abuse that I ever got into that shit as much as I did. Even then I only persisted in use because I was addicted to it, not because I really loved it that much....some heroin addicts say the same thing, that they persist only due to addiction, some because they truly do like it.......My friend says while he loves the high, at the same time he hates smack due to the negative effects, horrible effects it can have physically and on his family....

One thing about myself is that I never say I hate drugs, they are bad, etc, and look what they do to me (unlike some addicts. I've heard cocaine addicts talk like that as well). That attitude somewhat annoys me, because if one did not like drugs they would not take them. I heard someone say coke is a white whore it takes and never gives back - bullshit as if it didn't give him anything he would not use it! But I said rather than draw the equation with sex workers draw one with pimps as sex workers do what they are paid for...pimps take and never give so call it a white pimp if you must, bear in mind that pimps often sell coke as well.....

I don't claim my drugs give me nothing, if they didn't I wouldn't use. I have no time for the evasion of responsibility, the claim to hate what one gets off on etc. I take drugs because I like them, and yes, when I am down I use to escape as well as for self medication.

I won't go down the heroin road ever again, it is not really me and never was really me despite the fact I went there.......due to the need or perceived need for a downer and the dark appeal it had for me then. But one thing I will say is that while cocaine and heroin addiction are worlds apart in many senses, they have their meeting point. Light and dark, ying and yang, up and down etc. Extreme states of euphoria can be reached with both, and one generally doesn't get those euphoric, transcendent states with either downers or stimulants that are wholly synthetic (amphetamine pills, benzos, methadone etc).

While I don't like talking about withdrawals, the withdrawal symptoms from either are as opposite as are the drugs..... Heroin withdrawals heighten your senses in a way that is uncomfortable as a heavy downer will dull them for ages. They come back and hit you. You are wide awake and too aware, and everything that has been deadened, dulled for ages is full on. Your sex drive returns. Heroin addiction is really for those who wish to withdraw from life, nullify it as Lou Reed so well put - whereas stimulants are for those who want to enhance and turn up their lives.....I wished to enhance mine last year, I was the party girl who couldn't get enough of life and her senses. The fact my life has turned so shitty lately is a result of overconsumption and my troubled personal life with a man who has overconsumed for years........but I won't deny it was fun. These days I get high to feel better, and when I do go out to get high and enjoy myself dancing it is a welcome break. I used on Sunday at home as I was depressed, which stopped me going out Monday as I cannot go out getting drunk without coke, I don't like alcohol alone. Had I known the offer to go out Monday was on I may have had Sunday off instead, could've saved me crying into my wine....but I don't wanna cry over spilt milk either.

Cocaine withdrawals are the opposite of heroin withdrawals....enhancing your senses for so long means that when you stop using they deaden. You are far from wide awake, you want to sleep and sleep. You lose all your energy and your sex drive deadens - whereas it increases when you stop the use of heroin. While cocaine addiction is more mental and heroin addiction is more physical, there is a physical side to cocaine addiction just as there is a psychological side to heroin addiction.

Of course it is possible to be addicted to both drugs (due to either speedballing or the use of opiates to come down with), and when you have neither it is not a pleasant place to be - just imagine the two descriptions combined - physically withdrawing from heroin, with the sweats, flu symptoms, insomnia etc - but without feeling wide awake, without the return of your senses, libido etc. But withdrawing from the coke may mean you just might be able to sleep - so count your blessings lol. You'd never be able to sleep withdrawing from opiates alone.

2 comments:

  1. Spot on girl, you have this nail right on the head. I am fast becoming an avid follower of your thoughts and writings

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Dan - did take a look at your blog and it looks interesting too....I will catch up! Glad you like mine...I just try to say how it is.....or at least my perception of things x

    ReplyDelete