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Monday, 22 February 2010

Broken

What can I write? He knows of this blog....he was reading it today. My resolution to stay off for 3 to 5 days has been broken already, and has cost me a fair bit...now it becomes more important I earn again. Had a good enough binge this weekend.....but I called him. I said I was hurt that he thought a friend I'd had round was my new man when he wasn't, and the point it is over, there is nothing to talk about was repeated. I should let go, only call him if there is something I want I can see or touch.....and I will phone him less..

I ended up asking had he anything cos I felt like shit, depressed mentally and physically tired....I'll eat properly this week as that helps I know. This latest binge has stopped me doing that....at least I have some level of self preservation left. He came over, spent a bit of time and I got 3 grams.....my pain went away. He said he would have a think, I asked him to remember how it used to be (as I did on Monday). He finds me emotionally draining, I cannot look after myself and want men to take care of me.....but I don't want men to look after me. If I fuck up and don't do my housework cos I spend days at a time up smashed....I see why someone would not want to come to a dirty coke whore who sleeps til the afternoon and lives in a pigsty.....but hey, I tried so hard in other ways. When I was so down praying things would get better I lost my motivation, was sick of being in a place that had so many sad memories. At least I know....my surroundings are the first to go before my appearance if I have a heavy addiction. But cokeheads are too self conscious to neglect their appearance too much.........

I did my roots the other day, feel better. This week I shall keep the resolution of clearing this apartment so it at least becomes tolerable to live in.......men live in pigstys, it is fine.....but for a woman to be a slob is more of a crime. I don't know.....he told me Monday, after the loss of my pills, that a woman on the verge of a breakdown aint a pretty appearance. It aint....but have the men in my life helped?

You may wonder why I want this man back.....perhaps because I tried so hard and don't want it to end in tears again, as well as genuine feelings of attachment etc. I have a few new male friends but I can get into no relationship with anyone now, even if they accept me despite my problems.....as I still love him, the man who deliberately cut himself off to a degree to 'avoid getting hurt'. He knows now I'd never hurt him.....I have bled to prove it. He knows that now....and decides to leave. He did say he would think things over. If it was only male affection I craved I'd find it....but it aint.

He wants a woman who is strong and independent but is submissive as well. Women who are very strong, indepedent etc tend not to be submissive.....does he want someone more of a challenge to break? I can be independent and am strong in some ways.......but I wear my heart on my sleeve and admit I find it difficult without someone to love in my life. That's why I have done my best to keep my partners happy....but they never seem to respect me for it long term. If anything, it makes them seem to hate me.

I hope and pray....for what? That he will come back? Maybe, cos I remember too well the good times. This is a bit hard to talk about.....but I feel I have become as twisted sexually as the men I've written of are. I had a client here last night. I suggested putting some porn on, asked what he liked, like many men he likes lesbian acts....whereas I have learnt to sexualise certain things, become more perverse....I put films on with group sex, several men to one woman, one of whom would be her partner. Hair pulling, face slapping during sex, orders, being called a bitch, a woman seeming to let these men degrade her.....hell. I am disturbed - why do I find this stuff a turn on? He said something earlier this week.....he finds sex more enjoyable with women he hates, despises. Maybe I can only get off and get pleasure with men who hate me.....in which case I have deep rooted problems. I've had genuinely affectionate sex with him....but not lately...which probably makes what I get off on darker.

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