Oh hell, I am so bloody sick and frustrated. I am so angry right now with everything, everyone, I just wish they'd all fuck off. Like it aint bad enough my home no longer feels like a home but a dumping ground for other people's belongings, and the man I loved and thought loved me decided to leave me alone at the worst possible time (his junk and bike are in my spare room - like there aint enough junk here and my head is too fucked to deal with it or anything right now, but meanwhile got what he could by still expecting me to support him financially, play games by stealing my Sim cards and he and his mates find my situation funny, run up my phone bills, and I put everything off as this bad patch makes me too depressed to go out and all. I should have got the phone situation sorted out earlier, but respites from the storm meant I just wanted to relax, doing anything seems to much during this period and I can never get myself organised. When you are depressed everything seems like more of an effort than normal, all problems look bigger than they are And then it costs me more bloody money I hate playing the poor me syndrome etc....I just wonder at times how much of this is self inflicted and how much is due to other people. I don't know at times......but I don't want to be a self pitier who blames everyone and everything else..........Oh God.
The thing that got my back up a tad was a guy who befriended me online and said if he knew me better and my problems better.....he'd advise against me 'selling my body' for the sake of my self esteem. Fuck off. I don't 'sell my body' - hiring out sexual acts is not selling your body. If I put a price tag on myself and gave myself over to one guy for life and let him do whatever he liked to me it would be....but that is not what I do. My life is difficult enough right now without attitudes like that, I had enough before of do gooders wishing to save me from myself. I found myself walking on eggshells with you know who.....but he had me as a punchbag, I have no punchbag but myself....and if that dude was so worried about my self esteem he shouldn't say dumb things like that, should he? Guess if I am outspoken I should deal with the consequences if I am controversial....I normally can. But as the guy does not know me or my problems....he can butt out. Life bloody sucks at times.
4 years ago