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Sunday, 28 February 2010

Ramblings

What can I say? My man is back....I don't know if it was because he truly decided he does miss me and have feelings or is looking out for his own interests....maybe it is a bit of both. Hell, he knows I love him but does not like himself much. Like me, he went on a big coke binge last week......seperate from me but I was in the same place, I have a sore nose that someone noticed. Perhaps he came back to me because of my heart, cos he knows I am forgiving and to his credit he does not like to see me picked on - he knows that walking the streets aint really for me, I am worth more....although neither of us mind if we are desperate, I get paid because I don't look too rough, not having been through years of heroin abuse (although I admit it is something I have done). I get dumb when I am fucked up.........This woman, a fucking snake under the pretence of friendship, stole my pills and tried to steal my man too....knowing I aint in a good spot. But some people have no scruples, see kindness for weakness. Hell, she assumes the fact I choose to snort coke rather than buy tenners worths of heroin and crack cocaine means I must be rich. Higher class I may be than a lot of the fuck ups out there who give head with no rubber for a tenner....but I aint rich, I got a habit I have trouble maintaining, great trouble.

In my younger years addicted sex workers had some sense...like me those years back (and now for that matter) we used to get the money we needed for the night, for our drugs and whatever else we needed for ourselves or our men sat at home....and score our drugs when we finished work for the night in the morning. Enough for a gram of coke, more than enough. Now there are desperate, screwed upp young women who will accept ten pound for a fix of smack, or twenty for one bag of smack, one of crack, shoot both up then go and earn again...and do the same again....and are almost always out there. They will fuck without rubbers, they don't care or think themselves invulnerable........how many young people feel, immune from the threat of disease, danger, death etc. Now I never beahved that destructively....but when I remember that invincible feeling when I was young.....the youth today, at least, appear to take it to more extreme, now the fear of the Aids epidemic aint so extreme and all.

But girls, whatever you been through, get some self respect back, what has happened? To suck a cock with no rubber for a tenner, or to shag any random stranger unprotected is showing self hatred, it is horrible to hear of - get some help. Drugs are no excuse....I've had big habits and they never made me do that kind of thing, heaven knows why............now I get junkies wanting me to join them in their hell, people saying to me I should shoot etc, the bitch who nicked my pills also tried to get my man......this life can be a danger. Anyone who walks the streets should be careful, not only of men but some of the women too.....posing as friends only in order to scrounge for their next fix.......I claim no superiority despite the fact crack and smack have more of a 'low life' element due to their association with a lower socio economic catergory....hell........most cocaine users I know have been into the crack thing for a while like I was.....and it fucked them up. I have no wish to go back there. It is wrong the way crack cocaine is marketed to the poor....offering rip off ten, twenty pound deals while a gram of regular coke costs between £40 and £100 depending on the quality - that is partly why I do nothing for less than £40. My price is what I put up my nose....excuse my self deprecation.

On the streets the other night a man who turned out to be the brother of the women who nicked my pills pulled up...I assumed he was a client. I learnt who he was...he asked if I possessed a crack pipe. I didn't (cos I don't generally do it) but I'd had no sniff that night and could do with a lift...so I said he could use an empty can at mine in exchange for a hit of his stupid drug....it cost me). Him and his rotten sister showed up later while I had a client/friend. I got him to tell them I was asleep cos I'd just had a joint and wanted an early night...did not stop them banging on my door. The man transparently offered to be my new pimp, assuming Jason was off the scene. I was not interested. I made it clear I had no interest in their drugs of choice either, or in shooting. In return I got stolen off again. I had no wish to let them in, they only got through the main door cos they waited for my client to leave...he told them I was asleep but still they banged on my door....I answered to avoid disturbance and had to bear her bragging about her thieving. I was told they would 'look after me' with shots of crack and smack...I was not interested, I just wanted to sleep. Although I watched this pair like hawks they still managed to steal off me....

This shit happens to me cos I am soft, even clients see I am warm hearted, despite my self chosen nickname of snow queen and attempts to be cold as them. It is a long story....but I have few female friends due to all the bitchiness. A tart I may well be, but I am one with a heart as Jason says (excuse the cliche).

Some girls have it in for me not because I've done anything to them but because I know men with a lot of drugs....and they want the drugs. They try turn the men against me, compete etc. Fortunately the men I know can see through it....and I am smart enough to see through the attempts of desperate amateur crack pimps, had and tried it before. I don't want them in my life or their shit which is 90% benzocaine anyway. Fuck off, don't take me for a cunt.

Believe me, in this world it is safer to have back up if you are not as hard as nails....and I aint. I know my situation aint normal...but I never will be totally normal. Most men would not have a hooker as a girlfriend....but with my problems I cannot hold down a nine to five job, although it causes complications it suits me better. Meanwhile I intend to look for a cash in hand sales job....I have done telesales before, I have the talk. Streetwalking is shit to rely on, I don't want to live like this forever.....perhaps one day my writing will be my salvation, I have potential and will make it. I don't want to be a sex worker forever...not that I find the work unbearable....but I know too well there are younger, cheaper women than me. I still have my looks and my intelligence to my advantage, along with the experience of an older woman (MILF in porn terms) but it won't be forever, I have other potentials I wish to fulfill.....

When my life improves and I get some esteem back I will be able to relax with a joint, beer, pill, in the evening, whatever, and save my parties for once a week and weekends....smaller dose in the weekday, and I'll save that for Wednesday in the pub....it'llbe easier now I don't hurt so much......and in the meantime I'll do what I must to keep on my feet and keep these crims off my mans back again cos he fucked up.....he feels terrible and I said don't worry, I been just as bad this past week on a binge......don't beat yourself up. To his fairness he is as harsh on himself as on me....but is it constructive? It isn't any good to anyonw. He said to me today he wants to have a break from coke til next weekend as he had been up 5 nights on it......I said I broke my own resolution so maybe we can help each other for a change.....make a new start and cut the bullshit....if I don't own him he don't own me. He is in a bad way, he asked me why I love him....I said what I liked about him initially but as to why you love someone....that is a bit deeper to answer, aint it? It is hard to explain what kind of bond I have with this man, few people understand....but hey. Not all have walked in my shoes. Although in some ways he has attracted danger to me, he does protect me from it if I see to him....

I can't describe how I felt this afternoon waking up to the man I thought had gone and I wanted back despite it all.......it had been so long I woke up to hear his voice and did not know who it was.......when I knew he was there I was not depressed for the first time in ages. He had trouble cos he'd lost his car keys, and I panicked too, we both turned the place upside down....he found them eventually while I was out. Cops were about tonight.....next week I will earn, pay some of my debts off, and save enough to party....I just have to focus, be clear, far easier with no heartache. I will keep my friends around me, I won't antagonise the men in my life by getting stressed and making demands they only perceive as nagging....I am going to look back and start over....remember who I was only four or five months back. Life can be sweet again...if I so make it. And the vultures stay away when I have a man behind me.....fuck them and their games. Despite all his faults he does care, I know, though he acts at times like he doesn't. He looked at me tonight in a way he had not done for ages.......cos I think he remembers. How it used to be, how I used to be and how he used to be before all this got to him..........tomorrow I shall try get hold of some grass, I have my pills and get one or two beers..........I had a day off last week, I can if there is none. Let's see if I can last til Wednesday.........and I can show him as well as myself that I have willpower, gradually learn to control that white dust and not let it control me......

Friday, 26 February 2010

Sex and Drugs, Ramblings etc.

My new friend just popped out, he wanted to go out drop a few things at a friends but I just mislaid my keys....second damn pair. I'm as high as a kite and not concentrating too much....but I may well shag him, I do get hot on that stuff.Felt like shit earlier, amazing what a bit of white dust can do. Good stuff too, rare.

Had a rotten experience last night hassled by fucking junkies, smack and crackheads who wanted to scrounge and of course give all drug users a bad name.....they bloody assume I am into the shit they are, and the fact I do coke and know men who have it must mean I have money. Stupid Jason told them he's left me - and a single woman, sex worker, alone is a vulnerable target. The man was trying to move in as my new pimp, wants someone to supply his crack habit.....it won't be me. I told him I don't want a man right now, not over my last one, pure and simple. Didn't stop them theiving a tenner and some pills though, the fuckers. To me, personal theft is wrong, a line I won't cross. I felt awful when there has been times I felt tempting to try pick a pocket, nick a handbag if I feel shit and desperate for drugs - but I have never actually done that - it's been done to me and I know how it feels. Yet some people don't care, this girl came in bragging about having knicked a few mobile phones in return for money to get high on. Her addiction is not physical, she has a methadone script, it is psychological like mine, in fact more so as there is a physical side to my problem. I have a mild addiction to opiate based painkillers as well as a coke habit, although it is mild, began with pain from a knee injury (inflicted by my ex before Jason, took dihydrocodeine just to stop feeling pain, was not doing coke every day then, and before I look round I get dependent. My doc won't prescribe them as he does not want to support a habit - so I'll have to say - look, my knee is in pain, that fall last year aggravated an existing injury and my mild arthritus. My mental health issues cause me grief, anti depressants make me worse - the only thing that seems to deal with my symptoms save for cocaine are benzodiazepines). Funny but I had a few joints lately and it was ok, had a bit with some coke at first then found last night when I was in some relaxing company I chilled ok with them then just felt like sleeping. It was those scum turning up at past twelve desperate for a bag of crack or smack that ruined it for me. I know I must go easy on the joints after the bad experience recently - but maybe it had more to do with the tensions I had with Jason, as doing grass brings it to the surface. And people who are on it all the time are a pain....but then so can people on coke be, I know I can be the way I babble on at times 100 miles an hour and people not on it can't keep up, especially when I flit from topic to topic, on a tangent etc. But people on joints come out with ridiculous things...and I've thought ridiculous thoughts on grass....

My work, especially when the phone is dead, can be risky. If I have a man around I get left alone, the snakes don't come out so much.......Gonna tell people I got a man even if I haven't, and although I don't love him maybe I can hang out with my new mate, he does seem to like me enough to care for my well being. He flogs stuff too..and treats me a bit, but me accepting that is really no different from women accepting dinner dates or whatever from a guy. I don't wanna get involved with anyone, cos if I am honest I am still in love with Jason, although he can be so mean....and done and said some awful things.

Sex on coke is good, of course it is better in company than alone, uppers are social while downers are solitary, but it does bring out one's sex drive. I been bad, I texted him asked if he wanted to shag me, no strings, he did not reply. Guess I miss that attachment, affection as much as sex...sex with a stranger is cold, but it is great if I am into someone. I even miss the dominant side to him, ended sexualising his own dark fantasies - which were not that different from mine - he was just a dom and I was the sub. It could be sick....but one way I have had of dealing with jealousy in relationships is by fantasising about whoever I have been with shagging another woman in front of me while I am tied down. I get humiliated, teased, by both of them, the woman is dom as well. He makes me feel better by coming in my mouth while she uses a vibrator on me.....Jason had a similiar fantasy about doing such a thing to me, dreaming he is so wonderful and irresistable, getting hard by seeing a jealous look on my face.....does it turn him on to see me in pain? I know there are men, sadists, who get off on seeing women cry, suffer.....some men maybe have streaks of it but it does not mean they are true sadists any more than I am a total masochist. I don't enjoy being in pain, physically or mentally - I just like rough, submissive sex where I let someone do whatever he wants or pretend I will (don't mean he can, of course there are things I won't do and someone who knows me will know that). I am one of the few women I know who prefers to give than to receive oral sex if I am really into someone. Of course I get pleasure from receiving...but ironically it is casual encounters where this happens more as it is a physical thing, whoever gives is submitting.....and if I'm into someone I get off on being in the submissive role. My last relationship....he hadn't given me head for a long time and I wasn't bothered, it wasn't that important, though I like being touched etc. Men can get lazy if their presence, feel etc is enough to turn a woman on........God help me if I got lazy and ordered a man to suck my c**t.

I won't go into any other of my perverse fantasies, likes etc....truth is that I cannot say I like to go without sex, it's as important to me as drugs or music. Why Courtney Love has been a bit of an inspiration to me....I like her look, subject matter, attitude and the raw kind of sexuality - the 'Violent' video was about a woman who likes rough sex, being used in a way - there is a dark side to female sexuality just as there is to mens. Coke makes me filthy.......and it can be mind blowing to shag on it with the right person if you are on the same level. A lot of people say MDMA/Ecstasy is the best kind of drug for sex - while it can be good, it is more of a physical type buzz, physical orgasms rather than the mental ones that can be so..wow! It's just a pity stimulants cause men not to be able to perform sometimes, which leads to frustration on both sides sometimes. Worse if the man gets hung up and everything gets ruined....that's why a lot of those guys have viagra.

Should've earnt more, even today or tonight as I am broke again, the disturbances last night fucked me up, being hassled and stolen from in the middle of the night. I need to move from here...or get someone else to move into the spare room again, at least, so I have some back up and help with the rent as well (which is in arrears like all else). I'll exercise some self control soon, just hard when you wake and feel like shit and know there is an instant cure for it...if you have the cash. But rght now I'm enjoying my buzz and wanna be positive..hope my mate comes back like he said....as I've lost my keys as well, damn!

Ti later

Wednesday, 24 February 2010

The White Stripes - I just don't know what to do with myself

Baby I love You



Happy memories...gone like what I've stuck up my nose.

Hanging.....



How things been past few months....saved me a lot of heartache had I been let go earlier.....

Sorry



Sorry for not having read many of your blogs lately - I will catch up I promise. I been too down to do anything, even earn.......Just gonna spend nearly half my giro on two grams.......waiting for the guy to show up so I can get on with cleaning this rotten apartment. Sad that I've sunk this low, that I am now so depressed I cannot even get my house together without a lift - but there you go that is how low I am right now. People can say as they will, that I am better off without him, and I should say the end is the end. But in my heart I know I'll go back to him if he wanted me to.....seeing the fact I'd done my hair last week reminded him of the girl he once loved before she became the wreck you see. People are so quick to blame the drugs...and I would agree that the expense of maintaining a habit causes stress. But once I at least took some care, I would ensure my place was relatively clean, force myself to eat even if not hungry and would practice my guitar playing....now it is hard for me to care about anything, anymore. Nobody will want me like this.....but the people who helped drive me to it, as usual, say it is entirely self inflicted. I agree it is partially so but not entirely, if you read my previous entries you'll see what I've been through - was I happy again there would not be this constant need to get high. Yes, I made my bed....but not alone, people have helped me make it and lied there with me when it suited them....now they can stand back and sneer at their handiwork. This is making me cry again.....stop it.

Later on I will write a serious post about the 12 step movement without constantly harping on about my personal woes...Damn them to hell. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.......right now I can feel enthusiasm about nothing. I had those guys lay into me for months, using me as a mirror for what was bothering them. Perhaps turn the clock back I could've built some enthusiasm for what they would occasionally suggest, like swimming, taking a sauna, everything. If he had a heart he'd find a way of least making up to me the money I gave him, for nothing, what kind of a man takes women for expensive dinners at the beginning of a relationship then demands the payment back when things begin to go sour? I hope the cunt knows I tried my best under close to impossible conditions. I am still sane, but barely. Please something give, please take my pain away. I cannot bear this any longer.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Vid...When You Were Mine



This is a video to remind you of the fact I am still alive....and how I am feeling right now. Forgive me, I know there are two sides to every story but I don't feel I did anything wrong in that relationship save for let the stress of it all get to me - this is seen as a sign of weakness. Had someone been more understanding and supportive I may not be left in this wreck. My flat is a shithole because I have grown to dislike living there due to unhappy memories....and the happy ones that may never return again. It is now I have to prove myself if I am to stand any chance of having back what I lost - and I've been so misunderstood that he seriously thought it was any company I craved, not just his, the numbskull. He'd say bring him, her, round, whoever, and I said the other night I'd rather be alone rather than suffer someone else's company. There's a friend round the corner intent on 'helping me' - I don't want it, I don't want anyone but me to clean this rotten apartment. I spent all day today sleeping after caning all my drugs last night, some of which I intended to save for today. I intended to play my guitar but I had an unexpected caller who I did not feel up to seeing - I only want to see people occasionally from now on. I haven't earnt the last few days....and I swear I lost some money I thought I had. I see little I really want to live for now......but I have to try, I know I am worth more than killing myself over someone who doesn't care too much for me right now, who has called me 'dirty' ever since I earned how I do to help him (at the time) more than myself. I've tried my best...and it was not enough. I was accussed of neglecting my appearance as my roots were showing, I felt a bit better after doing them but not enough. I've heard from someone I know what he and his friend said some horrible things about me....I won't bother asking if they are true because a truthful response is unlikely. They make my place into a dirthole then complain of the fact it is dirty.

I am sick of this despair, I want my happiness and zest for life back which I had last year. I'd been abused then but lived. People must think I am bonkers wishing to go back to a situation like that - pls don't judge. I loved him I still do.......feeling like this is killing me. No shrink can help, anti depressants make things worse rather than better. I just want to stop feeling like shit every day I am unable to get off my face and stop caring about it. Only a month ago he told me I was happier in a way, despite the madness, than I was when I was with my ex. He said he still remembers the good times we had......can they truly never be again? I hold nobody back, and I can look after myself when I am not an emotional wreck. I've tried all I can and it was never enough.......I don't know anymore what I need or want. I'm just sick of it.

I have to get myself organised, do what has to be done than start afresh, for my own sake as much as for anyone else. I hate sleeping in this bed alone, where my only wish is for unconsciousness......and if anyone else stays over I am sad it aint him.

Please God, help me weather this storm, keep the snakes away.......despite all I don't want to die....I just want life to be how it used to be when I was happy. Bring it back, don't let me starve myself here....I can't eat at the moment. Normally I can eat even on drugs, as I usually have enough self preservation, he remembers when I used to cook healthy food here.

Perhaps I have served my purpose, perhaps I have simply been ditched because I am no longer indispensible as a source of income. Who knows? Whatever explanation I get will not say everything, and it never will......but who would not find what I went through with him difficult, first being frightened of his fiends, gangstas etc then left to suffer the consequences, alone, left at their mercy. The man who once loved my guitar playing now laughs at it, and he laughed with his mates about what I did for a living so he could survive.

I've never had this before, someone to seemingly understand me so much then to turn on me like this. I made him complacent, that was the trouble. Nobody wants what is always there....and I was. Shame on me, shame, shame, shame.

Monday, 22 February 2010



Still a bitch....'coked up and fucked up'.

I hate no playa....just the whole rotten system! Indeed I hate the game.....but whenever I mention the capitalist system people think I am in favour of what was in Russia - no way!!!! I just want a free state where people can get on be nice to each other, with no need for violence....wee pipe dream.

Criminals take capitalist logic to its conclusion...dog eat dog etc....and there is prfot be made out women. Don't blame poor men from the ghetto...blame the whole system (especially the small percentage of the population sit on yachts, champagne, jacuzzis, bribe the cops to sell their drug, to men a bit below who do pure coke themselves but sell crack in the ghettos that contains 90% benzo). But let not the State rip anyone off....say, like, we won't legalise crack but sell something 15% cocaine at a highish price? No way.

Where the Sun Don't Shine.....Now

I can go a day or two without sticking chemicals up my nose....downers ease the edge but I am upset real bad....downers make my cry sometimes when I am like this. Still, more sales for the men who get most of the earnings of women like myself while lying on yachts.....the bloody expense of a habit. People like me who struggle pay for the greed of others who keep the prohibition racket going..........it sucks. Now when I say about legalising or decriminalising drugs I am not dumb. I do not suggest a chemist sells someone enough heroin to accidently kill themselves with....nor that cocaine should be sold by the sweet counter. Just put an age restriction, label how strong stuff is as with alcohol, and educate people ffs. It'd save money and lives. All my family once believed the government propaganda.....the example of me has taught them otherwise. They know what I've done to get drugs...and know I would not need give a chemist so much.

The world looks not good at the best of times with a coke habit when your supply runs low.........but then I have just enough to renew my supply tomorrow without earning. If I can be strong enough I'll be proud. Ironic I get it mainly off Jason....so in a sense he is earning from the heartache he has caused me, though he won't see it that way. Other guys I can see but quality not so good. My new friend who has some suggested I just don't ring him....get some flake then I won't for a few weeks, as if not for goods I'll let the man be and not suffer heartache. I am not a mercenary person.....but if I was there was a man I could've latched onto, guy who flogs a bit of coke and would support me to stop me earning was I his girlfriend....a lot of women in my situation would. But not me. He treated me, I wondered if he wanted payment in kind...........when it got to that point I was honest, explained how it is with what I do.....an act, and I think he wanted genuine lovemaking - which I was not able to give. This man was very nice, and it saddened me cos I think he does like me.....and can see I am hurting. But I can't bring myself to it unless there is money, I aint over Jason. This guy got fed up of me talking about Jason....just like Jason got sick of me talking about my ex when we first met, who he later accused me of wanting to be with......

HWe all had a good time....the turning of it all to dust was a gradual process. One love of my life has gone, even if not forever at least for now...and it could be forever....but the other I can always get if I have cash. The white dust may take my money but it at least gives me something back......my sense of well being, and on top of the world if I have enough. Jason said that before money it is the first love of his life. It is the first of mine before men and sex, music is the third. Money is just money, only means to me what I can get from it.

I can fake it with clients etc - but he knew I never faked with him. I hate to say this, but.....if he wants something genuine from a woman who aint after his drugs lest she pays (and I do) he knows where I am. Just get tearful when he had spare keys here, would phone say he was coming home etc, and we had fun then, he 'loved me to bits' and all. I know reason will never get round this, but I keep asking myself what I've done wrong, what else could I have done etc. It is so sad things come to this....but I know I must struggle alone for a while. Wish I had one or the other - and addiction on it's own is one thing, so is a relationship on it's own...but both? I should think of myself, then men would like me more and not treat me like the slut I live like with my clothes, garbage everywhere....but I feel the need to say why? I accept men how they are....even if they were fuck ups. If they were more fucked up than me I'd try.......but am I really this fucked up with drugs? Is it really enough to put a man off who had a bigger habit than me. There were many, many other things added tensions to that relationship.......my friend felt my pain the other night wished he could stop it but nobody could.....he said the least he could do was give me a hug....even if I wished it were Jason hugging me and not me. Wish he'd bring me his love....or hate is that is what it takes for him to be able to do it. It's not good being a lonely cocaine addict......gutted not being able to go out last week but at least I did this weekend had a dance. Must do it again soon....although notice so short only my new bud could come....I had no cash but he was kind enough to treat me, won't be forgotten. Nice to have good friends in this world.....they few and far between indeed.

Take care hon, I love you whatever you are.......If only you could say the same to me..........you expect so much, so much xxxx

Broken

What can I write? He knows of this blog....he was reading it today. My resolution to stay off for 3 to 5 days has been broken already, and has cost me a fair bit...now it becomes more important I earn again. Had a good enough binge this weekend.....but I called him. I said I was hurt that he thought a friend I'd had round was my new man when he wasn't, and the point it is over, there is nothing to talk about was repeated. I should let go, only call him if there is something I want I can see or touch.....and I will phone him less..

I ended up asking had he anything cos I felt like shit, depressed mentally and physically tired....I'll eat properly this week as that helps I know. This latest binge has stopped me doing that....at least I have some level of self preservation left. He came over, spent a bit of time and I got 3 grams.....my pain went away. He said he would have a think, I asked him to remember how it used to be (as I did on Monday). He finds me emotionally draining, I cannot look after myself and want men to take care of me.....but I don't want men to look after me. If I fuck up and don't do my housework cos I spend days at a time up smashed....I see why someone would not want to come to a dirty coke whore who sleeps til the afternoon and lives in a pigsty.....but hey, I tried so hard in other ways. When I was so down praying things would get better I lost my motivation, was sick of being in a place that had so many sad memories. At least I know....my surroundings are the first to go before my appearance if I have a heavy addiction. But cokeheads are too self conscious to neglect their appearance too much.........

I did my roots the other day, feel better. This week I shall keep the resolution of clearing this apartment so it at least becomes tolerable to live in.......men live in pigstys, it is fine.....but for a woman to be a slob is more of a crime. I don't know.....he told me Monday, after the loss of my pills, that a woman on the verge of a breakdown aint a pretty appearance. It aint....but have the men in my life helped?

You may wonder why I want this man back.....perhaps because I tried so hard and don't want it to end in tears again, as well as genuine feelings of attachment etc. I have a few new male friends but I can get into no relationship with anyone now, even if they accept me despite my problems.....as I still love him, the man who deliberately cut himself off to a degree to 'avoid getting hurt'. He knows now I'd never hurt him.....I have bled to prove it. He knows that now....and decides to leave. He did say he would think things over. If it was only male affection I craved I'd find it....but it aint.

He wants a woman who is strong and independent but is submissive as well. Women who are very strong, indepedent etc tend not to be submissive.....does he want someone more of a challenge to break? I can be independent and am strong in some ways.......but I wear my heart on my sleeve and admit I find it difficult without someone to love in my life. That's why I have done my best to keep my partners happy....but they never seem to respect me for it long term. If anything, it makes them seem to hate me.

I hope and pray....for what? That he will come back? Maybe, cos I remember too well the good times. This is a bit hard to talk about.....but I feel I have become as twisted sexually as the men I've written of are. I had a client here last night. I suggested putting some porn on, asked what he liked, like many men he likes lesbian acts....whereas I have learnt to sexualise certain things, become more perverse....I put films on with group sex, several men to one woman, one of whom would be her partner. Hair pulling, face slapping during sex, orders, being called a bitch, a woman seeming to let these men degrade her.....hell. I am disturbed - why do I find this stuff a turn on? He said something earlier this week.....he finds sex more enjoyable with women he hates, despises. Maybe I can only get off and get pleasure with men who hate me.....in which case I have deep rooted problems. I've had genuinely affectionate sex with him....but not lately...which probably makes what I get off on darker.

Rain



Good advice.....never let someone take you for granted and become complacent with you giving them what they want. Many men only want what they cannot have, or think they can never have. Keep something of yourself back....or you'll end feeling like I do. He held back...which enabled him to walk away when he decided seeing me was no longer in his interests. I don't hold back....and it is hard, if not impossible, to walk away.

I had a good enough weekend without him. , despite his promises to at least bother seeing me on my birthday. I should think myself better without him, the way he has treated me and all. But this doesn't mean it does not hurt, it hurts like hell, to be frank. I don't know how I can possibly not take drugs everyday simply to cope with getting through another day.....as everything looks so bleak. I wish I could find someone else I felt the same about....I could as I am not unnattractive. But never can I do this while there is still 'rain on my face'.

Spring is coming soon and how I wish there was someone to see it in with me....rather than just my miserable self. Perhaps I feel this way partly because I'm on a comedown....but hell, when my heart aint broken I don't get it this bad, nothing looks this black.

I have the occassional comfort, if I am in need of affection male friends could stay over, cuddle up without demanding sex (which I don't want right now lest it is for money) but it is not the same as having someone to come home to....or coming home. Who knows what the future will bring? Perhaps in three weeks time he will miss me, perhaps I might have moved on by then.....but it is unlikely.

Friday, 19 February 2010

Tiredness..

Oh God, I feel like I've been beaten with a sledgehammer....too many late nights have caught up with me. I'm gonna sleep for a few hours......then see how I feel. Damn,

Thursday, 18 February 2010

Resolve

I resolve to put last week behind me with it's unhappiness, the thefts, rip offs that resulted in a lonely binge the next day and stopped me going out on Friday. It is gone, it is behind me and was a lesson learnt. I just annoyed the hell with myself - as had I not been so dumb I could have in fact used the money I earnt, had I saived and put what I had there with what was in the bank - and obtained a decent amount of gear, saved more money that way.

Some drug users may find my attitude unusual - the fact I admit my lifestyle has been a choice, I don't follow the 12 step bullshit (more on that later) that tells me I am 'powerless' over what I put up my nose - it is my choice. People will notice that I seem unashamed, and that is because I really aint hurting anyone with my lifestyle, save for taking my own risks. Cutting down I intend to do.......but when I am good and ready. I'm hoping if I restore some happiness I may be ready...and I doubt I will meet my resolution of staying off from Monday until next Friday.....but I'll see how long I last, at least it is a goal. Maybe a day at a time might be easier...if I can go two days, Monday and Tuesday, that will be an achievement..as I have been bad lately. I get like this when I am at a low ebb...perhaps it is my way of getting over things, coping, but it comes to a point where I slow down. I know myself well.

Don't Buy Crack

Personally crack or freebased cocaine aint my thing, it is too short lived....but I know some people prefer it to powder for the quicker rush etc......I aint one to preach.

But this I will say, just to make people aware who dabble or have thought of dabbling in it.....do not buy street crack. Just because it is crystallised it does not mean it is 'cocaine in it's purest form' as is the promoted idea.

People sometimes wrongly assume that you cannot bash crack. People can and they do. The average quality of street crack where I live contains about 5 to 10% coke - the rest is mainly a substance called benzocaine, a cocaine derivative (has the aneasthetic affect without the stimulant high, often used by dentists etc). Although washing up cocaine does remove impurities, benzocaine will crystallise as well and can be gelled back together into the finished product, although it will not gel itself into the same lump as the coke will.......people do it by hand, gel it together and let it dry. Besides, some dealers will purposely add too much baking soda, fail to heat it properly so that some of the impurities remain along with the baking soda.

The best thing to do is to ensure you get some decent cocaine then wash it yourself, if you are not sure there are videos on youtube explaining how to do it. I am not promoting this form of use (freebasing)....personally I think it is destructive and more addictive than regular cocaine. But what I don't like to see is poor, sometimes desperate people (and crack cocaine does appear to be associated with a lower income bracket than powder) ripped off with something they believe to be pure cocaine but is in fact 90% benzocaine. You will get a hit off the benzo, mixed with the little coke the product contains can lead one to believe they are getting the real thing...when they are not. The thing is the average quality of the coke (and hence the crack) is so poor at present that people don't know any different.....the good stuff is there if you look, but look you must.

What gets to me is that when coke is introduced into poor areas, it is always in crack form, as they know it is more profitable as the affects are shorter lived, along with it being mostly benzo. It always seems to be the poor who suffer from scams...and I get sick of it.

Updates

Things may be looking up....I aint hurting so much now, just gonna take things as they come......I been earning not too bad lately, been relatively lucky, just spent quite a bit binging. I'll get myself together next week, after my birthday and all, I deserve to have fun then but I really will attempt to lay off the sniff until the following weekend. I need to start making money, actually make a profit....then I can rely more what I get on the phone, that will be sufficient for my daily needs and to enjoy myself weekends. I will be myself again - the person I know I can be when I am happy and do as I will because I like to....not because I want to escape from depression

Wednesday, 17 February 2010

White Slavery

Is this guy pro or anti? Disturbing video and lyrics.....why does it ring a bit true for me?

Monday, 15 February 2010

Necro - I Need Drugs

This guy is a misogynist prick....but these are honest lyrics.....

The Pretenders - 2000 Miles (with lyrics)

I've always loved this song........posting it for the 'cold' theme again.......How I felt in the cold spell........

lou reed - sad song

And one for him.......from his fucked perspective......'somebody else would've broken both her arms'......

Lou Reed - Caroline Says II

Just replace the word 'speed' with 'coke' - you get the picture. Indeed, look at yourself before using me as a mirror...right now it is cold in Alaska but Spring may be here soon ....Indeed life should be more than this. Great party that ended in a bum trip.....should soon be over...

Dawn Penn No, No No (GREAT QUALITY)

Relief.....

Relief may have come from an unexpected source....while I was on the way to the off licence I met a trick. Like the other guy I met last week on the street he sells coke, and weed too. He paid me in cash and weed, which I shall use to get high tonight, exchange both for a gram.

He is coming round tomorrow for a session, according to him he has good gear and I'm gonna try a bit, free session....and I always can pay in kind when he feels. I now no longer have to rely on that jerk Jason for my supply (he'd deleted his friends numbers from my phone so I could only rely on him) but no more. Thanks to the way he has treated a woman who he once meant the world too, he may well have lost a customer as well as a source of emotional support, that was financial too when he needed it.......He claimed to hate what I did for a living....but he didn't mind it when he needed the money. Only thing I get off him from now on is pills, I get the other from elsewhere.....

I may well soon find a burden has been lifted. Perhaps had it been another time, another place....but life aint like that always, I know I must move on. Perhaps getting out will avert the nervous breakdown I felt was coming.........and I can once more use drugs for fun, not to escape from misery. This means I won't have to walk the streets so often, I shall continue with my odd customers here but won't rely so often on it. The happy go lucky party girl my friends knew and loved may be back sooner than they thought...no longer dependent, controlled, able to find someone at last who accepts and loves me for who I am and not for my 'potential'. I never ask men to change for my sake.....I loved him despite his fuck up. Sad he could not do the same for me. How he deluded himself he could 'help me' when his habit was ten times the size of mine is total madness.......like I could be any help to anyone now. I must help myself.....and how could he have helped me when he was in no position to help himself. The man who could 'maintain' who was 'on top' having no option but to live off a woman he had helped go back to being a streetwalker....help indeed!

I want to earn more tonight so I will keep this brief.......but a word about the self harm I did last night. I wanted to see blood to remind myself I was alive, while it is not quite suicide mutilation is a substitute of reminding yourself that you exist and have the power to end it if you want, it is hard to explain....I did not earn as I was in bits over the theft of my pills, and worried he would not come with more....at least he had the heart to do that. He is not evil...just fucked up, too fucked up for me with my own issues. It is my birthday next week.......maybe I shall use that as the opportunity to say one last goodbye and then be on my way......I will survive. There is one source of control he has now lost.....he no longer has his dust as a weapon, and what loyalty do I owe him? Why should I only buy from a man who denies he ever was my boyfriend (that was not what he said at the beginning when he almost lived with me, told me he was 'coming home' after a night in the pub etc). I am still hurting, that I can't deny....but move on I can and will.

It is not the first time I have loved and lost.....he failed me because he chose to switch off his emotions as far as I was concerned. He blames me for 'making him a wreck', 'dragging him down to my level' - abusers are so great at turning it round, fortunately it is a trick I can see through as it was what my last ex did all the time.

Goodbye, maybe one day I'll be able to wish you well, but now I am still too hurt......Remember you loved me once, although you pretend to forget or say it was only because you were high - but now your eyes are open to the train wreck I am. Because you made me one, you cunt!!!

I am not unnattractive and know there are other men out there who would not say no. I have a lot of love to give....it was ultimately his loss. Despite what I am.....I know deep down I deserve more than that.

Hole - Miss World

Thank you baby....for bringing this out in me.....As he says I made my bed I lie in it..........never mind the fact he helped me make it.

A Prayer for Precious Heart

The good news is......he did come through with my pills.

The bad news is......my resolution to stay off til the weekend is not going so far.....the man who once loved me no longer cares for me as anything but a money and sex object, and my 'precious heart', on which I spent so long flogging a dead horse for, is in shreds, tatters. He once practically lived here, used my place as a dumping ground and with the help of his fiends has driven me to be the woman you see, who I did not want to be but now am once again. I am not ashamed of who I am......but he with his verbal abuse tells me I should be. He has made me into a wreck and is leaving me alone to deal with the consequences.

I am now on my way to the pawnshop to pop my acoustic guitar and a camera to get money for a gram of coke..........I never thought it would come to this. Walking the streets is bad enough.....but self harm, popping my goods? I must go on a bender to deal with the loss of a love that maybe never truly existed..He has what he wanted from me. He has had his money to pay back his dealers, he had my love when he needed it. I have never in my life been dumped with so little compassion. I am close to a breakdown....and it is not the drugs but the men in my life who have destroyed me, or almost done. He dragged me into his hell of addiction and now wants to get clean, but fuck me. I am alone and must deal with it for the time being and get my life in order, no help from the man who destroyed my life.. While he was in bed with me today using me for a shag another woman phoned.....in my presence he made a sexual comment to her. I have done all I can for him, crucified myself and this is the thanks I get. He said he wanted to help me....some help! Helping me to insanity....

Just please, readers, pray for me. Pray I get over having my heart broken again. Pray that by the summer I will be what I was last year once more - the party girl who got high went dancing weekends......and lived for my music. Pray I find another man, one who can love me despite my problems. If there is anyone like that out there who can help me recover another abusive relationship.......I need him. I need to be loved, not for my 'potential' (as both he and my ex said) but for who I am, warts and all. I am not a bad person just fucked up.....please bring him to me so I can get over Jason (who hit me again last night, who truly believes I enjoy abuse....does this look like I enjoy it?

I wish I could wish him well but I cannot right now...how can I when he has ruined me so? It is not all his fault....I collaberated in my own destruction....but no more. I will ask his friend to deliver as he has no compassion left for me....seeing his face only breaks my heart again.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Comedowns.....

I had a binge this weekend, and the last few days. I was relying on my pills to come down with for the week, recover....and someone has thieved them. I was so gutted I could not earn this eve.....If they are not replaced tomorrow god knows what I will do. Please, God, please, I don't deserve all this, one thing after another.....Please.

Courtney Love - Stand Up Motherfucker - Nobody's Daughter Demo

Courtney Love - Letter To God - Nobody's Daughter Demo

This sums up my feelings this morn....the last straw came when a so called 'friend' - yes, another snake',yet another, nicked my tablets, which I relied upon to come down and save my sniff for next weekend....which is my birthday. I may be sectioned by then as I can take no more....please pray for me, my friends........the rock chick, party girl, has turned into the wreck that has collaborated in her own destruction by people who hate themselves and must spread their misery.....
Indeed, I am so sorry I am so sorry I am so weak and turned into a freak....I was too much in bits to earn tonight due to the loss of my pills. My man said he'd come through with them......if he don't I shall get myself sectioned tomorrow. I never wanted to be the woman that you see...pray someone helps me by tomorrow. I've done something I aint done for ages...cut myself. I hope the bitch who nicked my pills feels the pain.....gets the karma. Fuck them all, and please, please, Jas, bring my pills back....and stop abusing me......you made me depend on you now you no longer care.....how dare you tell me I should give up my punk image and dress myself, hair etc like a barbie doll cos I'd 'make more money'??? I am not greedy.....I am happy with what I earn. Fuck it, all I want now is my pills to calm me. I should've picked them up, I should never have left anyone alone in the room with them......pray it is sorted today...for my sake.

Friday, 12 February 2010

Lessons....

There is always a lesson behind every woe....ok, so I was ripped off bad. But at least it means those junkies will be on my case no more begging for money to buy a fix or trying to sell me 2% proof coke (bashed to fuck in other words). It is just mean, rotten, extorting money off a prostitute...and to add to it, that bitch who bled me before due to my kind nature (see my 'open letter to a former friend, a heroin addict' post)denied she owed me money while I was on the phone to a mutual friend and actually laughed at me! Then she witnessed my nasty side (after which she probably sneered that I have 'cocaine psychosis' as she accused me of having before). I screamed down the phone how dare she call me a dirty whore (the mutual friend was they guy she shags for smack), and that if she truly wants me to kick her head in she is going the right way (all her self fufilling prophecies about the 'violence' of cocaine users etc). Heroin addicts may not be openly violent like cokeheads can be...but some, like her, have passive aggression down to a tee....Right now I will cross the road to avoid her to avoid being in the cells for assault.

This is why I've been quiet...as I have been hurt, again. Ripped off by smackheads who've lost their souls who have posed as friends, again. If anyone else whinges of needing a fix and begs me...they can turkey. They can go earn as I do. It is not the smack but them, the people, I do not blame the drug. I've had it from them, and I genuinely feel hurt after having it twice....from two girls. I was just getting over the first when a second girl who I thought was my friend went and did it too...and left me poorer, left me to have to earn on a Friday night when I had the offer of having fun with a mate I haven't seen in ages.......damn them both! I only have one female friend now (Mary) and although we may not have everything in common she is worth her weight in gold and hated to hear what those girls had done to me...with the help of their junkie boyfriends. Both of them do the prim and proper act, claiming they don't approve of women earning how I do....but my money is ok when you need a fix, hey, bitches? I fell for it because I don't have many female friends, girls can be bitchy....and I took them as genuine, being too blind to see all they live for is crack, smack, and in the case of the latest girl her junkie boyfriend (who introduced her to it so it seems). I was hurting because I truly liked that girl, took her offer of friendship for real...and I've had heartache plus the loss of money due to her confidence scam.

The first girl I wrote of has hardly any friends left.....the second one won't for much longer either if she keeps treating the friends she does have like this. I have to face facts....these girls have lost their souls to the beast. They no longer have hearts...all they live for is their next fix. I hate the saying 'never trust a junkie' - as I have always been good to my mates despite having been addicted in the past to heroin as well as cocaine. But with people this far gone...the saying is sadly true.

This explains why I haven't posted much this week....the fact I've felt a fool for being taken in, as well as depressed by it and out of pocket. But at least they are both out of my life....I just regret my Friday night being ruined, I could've got two grams and gone out dancing caught up with my mates and come back for a jam...instead I had to earn..and got grief from a client on top as I had the nerve to get high on a Friday night...fucker. I get sick of 'recovered' or 'recovring' addicts lecturing me I should not take drugs....should 'get a job', should get married, kids etc be 'normal'...I am fine as I am....earn how I can, party weekends, do my music, mu writing.....that is the life I want. They can go to hell....I am not ashamed of who I am, even if I am a mad, addicted whore so be it. Better that than the boredom that passes for normality in this fucked up world. I frighten people for not being ashamed....of the drug fiend ho that I am. Fuck them all....

Updates

You guys have probably wondered why I haven't written for sometime.....it's because I've been pissed off, bad. I got ripped off big time by a pair of junkies.....more money than I can afford, and I've been despressed, hating myself real bad for falling for the scam. Never again, and maybe the money spent was worth it in a sense to learn for myself what they truly are about.......I knew they were not totally trustworthy, but being who I am I gave them the benefit of the doubt for so long....never again.

I was just so upset as I could've gone out tonight....but instead I had to earn. I could have got high and gone out if not for them, but no, no. misery as usual. I had to earn to get back what I lost, or at least part of it. But I had to get high...and knowing my luck I got an ex cokehead turned teetotallor as a client.....who saw my eyes, saw I was high etc and demanded half his cash back because he said it brought back 'bad memories' of when he fucked up. To add insult to injury....he asked why do I do this as I am an 'attractive girl' - YOU JERK! WOULD I MAKE A PENNY IF I WAS UGLY?

I then said 9 to 5 life is not for me to which he replied 'it must be better than this'. Well, no it aint!!! I've tried it and been far more unhappy being a straight working in an office than a whore...despite the problems of this life it is a better hell than the hell I had turning up 9am each morning reporting to a boss, doing boring work all day for shit money......who is he to say what is right for me? Cunt, motherfucker. I then told him he is a hypocrite, because if he hates women working as sex workers why does he seek them out? Typically he had no answer and conceded I was right....he just had to say he'd rather see me when I am not high. I suggested he come on a weekday, preferably during the day....this was a fucking Friday night after all......Ok, so I made a few mistakes. I forgot where I left my vibrator, I was a bit scatty etc....but what the hell.

I get vexed as fuck when tricks, of all people, attempt to tell me I should stop doing what I do.....even worse when they bring my looks into it and tell me I should be able to find a man to support me....yeah, right, motherfuck. Like I got to be lumbered with a jerk 24/7 instead of for an hour....no thanks. If I want to be with someone it is not for his money rather for love...sadly more often than not while I do as I do he ends living off me rather than vice versa. It is not the work I hate....just the attitude of some men and their foul hypocrisy. That trick.....fuck him and the ones I've met before like him.

He then said something to me re 'coming off the gear'....what if I don't want to? I am upfront......I don't do needles, I don't smoke crack, my only crime is liking a sniff.......had people not demonised me so for not only liking a sniff but being sexual, had it not been for snakes....God knows. I hate to blame other people...and it is true that cocaine is an expensive drug, I don't like synthetic uppers like amphetamines so I earn how I can....but what is my great crime? Really, had it not been for the strife brought into me by my soft heart that knows love and desire......the kindness of strangers etc........I'd still be the party girl I was six months ago. I would not be struggling to earn like this.....I do enjoy getting high, but when it comes to the point when I need to in order to escape my heartache and pain, you bloody snakes....hell. I will be no more the victim. I was unashamed of what I was to that moralising, hypocritical client. Fuck you, men, you wonder why I hate you sometimes? I know you aint all bad asses, but a lot of you do a good job. And don't you dare give me the moral highground - tell me I should not use, should not do what I do for a living, while you are paying me for my services? How fucking dare you? I'm gonna turn gay soon......

Seeing as I lost money I needed badly from that client I had to earn it back...so I had to go out.... I got that money back from a lonely man whose woes I listened to with my kind heart...but had I played that trick better and not lost that money I'd intended to practice some music.....

I would've caught up with my old mate had those smackheads not robbed me........My 'precious heart' is dead....thanks to the fiends the man who once loved it 'to bits' brought into my world......Hell, what have I done?

I don't blame this on the drugs.....the way I earn etc I only go on the street cos I broke and the phone is dead..........most of the girls there are on crack cocaine or smack, not sniff...they assume I am on what they are, ask do I want to get 'clean' etc......reason why I got my looks is cos I don't shoot smack no more nor do I smoke crack.....perhaps I should stand there with a label on my head saying 'cocaine girl', I aint selling cheap. I am just so vexed cos I had money in the week....and by my rotten luck those junkies took the opportunity to stitch me out of it...so I spent my Friday having to earn instead of going out partying as I could have.

I shall have a week off next week...I have tablets to calm myself. I will earn, pay some of my debts and blast over the weekend....leave this week behind and feel myself once more. Fuck those snakes who ripped me, what goes round comes round!

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Weekend... And a Few Thoughts on Porn, Sex etc.

It didn't turn out such a bad weekend.....last night I had a good time with those guys, partied with them and all, first time in a long time, got high, had some great sex and all....cheered me up because apart from what I do for money (which I don't count, it is so cold as to mean nothing....although I don't tell the clients lol) it aint happened much lately. Perhaps somebody thought when I said that his fleeting visits were only upsetting me, and if it was for a simple purpose I'd just sooner deal with his mate...I'm a little more on top.

I earnt a little tonight.....one of the guys paid me in kind rather than in cash and it actually wasn't bad stuff. As it was only a gram I caned it, as I do. Perhaps I could've saved it for when I have company, but hell, if it is there........I knew I'd dip in anyway, and once I start...

I did a little music practice, so something productive as well....perhaps things could possibly look up.

A few thoughts I had on porn.....there is to me nothing inherently wrong in sexual imagery, and face it, I'd be a hypocrite were I to claim to be anti it, judging by my lifestyle. But the way it is made - I know that most of the sound tends to be dubbed, and the sex is not as spontaneous as it is made to seem, directors cut all the time as the camera, lighting must be right....I only get turned on by anything if it is real, and most of that stuff is acting.....I guess it takes one like me to see the difference.

I say that cos those guys put some on the other night....if I see a scenario aimed at a certain type of male sexuality, where women tend to be blatantly used - i.e small women usually, men who are well endowed, one up each hole to be blunt....and the cum in face thing.....I feel in a way disturbed by it but yet the masochistic element of me feels drawn to something about it and liable to play along with it if I am off my nut and the men present are clearly getting off on it....does anyone see where I am coming from? I don't know if it is guilt, repression, whatever. I don't know many men whose sexual tastes are what I'd call totally 'normal' either.....if it is abnormal for women to be masochistically inclined then nor is it normal for men to be dominant, sadistically inclined either....but better if that shit stays in the bedroom than carried over to other sides of any relationship.

Regarding porn it is a narrow and simplistic kind of feminism that claims all porn is all about men oppressing women.....for what of porn produced or written by women (I've written it). What of gay porn? That view is so dumb....and of course it's propoenents can never answer that question or their whole argument would fall down...

Of course the main thing is consent....and some of the problems with porn is that you don't really know how a lot of it is made, who by etc. Maybe there should be a fairtrade thing on it or something. Most guys I know would not watch something if they believed someone was being forced....although some of the stuff I've seen....franky double penetration, especially by well endowed men, would probably hurt me.....so I think, are they high? Cos I know for sure I do things when I'm high that I am never relaxed enough to do otherwise.....or dirty enough for that matter.

But then hey, cocaine use makes men sexual as well, so there should be no double standards. If it makes me into a slut sometimes....same goes for the men who play, the men who make the first move.

Another thing I notice is that most guys seem to get off on imagery of women getting it on, and although I am sure they exist I've never met any women who get off on men doing the same, maybe they are too ashamed to admit it, God knows, because in my view there is no essential difference between the two. There is less known about female sexuality than male sexuality it seems....in some ways it is still a dark continent. Some men imagine women do not masturbate, or at least not so frequently as men do.......

I also don't know why some guys think I do what I do for a living for the fun of it, because I love shagging strangers and that it ever gives me any true release. It doesn't, as I have no connection with those guys....to enjoy anything with anyone there has to be some level of affection, some connection....which maybe is one of the differences between women and men, as it seems men can shag anyone and get release....I cannot, and nor, it seems, can most women. So why can men? Perhaps there is a biological element, maybe the fact their reproductive organs are outside rather than inside plays some part....I've heard all other kinds of theories concerning evolution, sexual selection (ie the fact that one man can impregnate many women.....a woman can only have one child by one man at a time, and that as females generally raise their young they have more to invest in their choice of partner etc).

Most men (or every one I've ever known) will screw a good looking woman even if she is totally stupid, obnoxious and bad company. They will shag someone they actually dislike.....Whereas if I thought a man was stupid, nasty and no fun to be with his looks would not matter, I would not fancy him and he would not turn me on physically or otherwise. This does not make men shallow, just different....any comments will be welcome, on this or on the porn issue.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Favourite Books.....

Saw that some of my fellow bloggers had listed their favourite books. It may be my turn....

1. Emile Zola's L'assomoir....a gritty tale of realism about a laundry woman living in a poor district of 19th century Paris, worn down by the men in her life and their respective addictions to alcohol, money, philandering etc....a tale of losers, tragedy. 'Germinal' is also a good read.

2. Dostoyevsky's The Idiot, the story of decadence in the late Russian empire and the saintly Mishkin, who has a big heart and incredible kindness people mistake for weakness. Most touching is the tale of the woman he falls in love with, the crazy Nastasya who is as troubled as I can be....feeling the void, with a severe self esteem problem. Mishkin loves her.....but she falls for the bad guys.

3. The Devils or The Demons by the same author....interesting story about a particular brand of leftist or anarchist who claims to want to put the world to rights but is more interested in his own ego....I have come accross those types.

4. As far as modern epics go you can't beat Bonfire of the Vanities by Tom Wolfe.....Does for 80s New York what Dickens did for Victorian London, they rarely make novels like that any more.

5. Wuthering Heights.....who can resist a ghost story with the extra ingredient of romance added.

6. Can't name a particular favourite....but you can't beat Jane Austen for documenting the lifestyles of the wealthy and middle classes in early 19th century England. Social comedy which exposed well their hypocrisy and pretensions.

7. Middlemarch by George Eliot, a great epic with so many layers, deep and colourful characters and a great description of middle class life in semi rural England not long after Austen.

8. Anything by Thomas Hardy, I love the descriptiveness of rural life.....even makes me nostalgic for times life appeared simpler...although deep down I know lives must have been hard for most people then.

9. Last Exit to Brooklyn by Hugh Selby Junior.....a steamy tale of life in a Brooklyn ghetto in the 1950s, not for the faint hearted, graphic scenes and all, written in beat style prose. A great read, telling of the consequences of poverty on people's lives. 'The Willow Tree' is another great read, a tale exploring the issues of racism and the hatred it causes.... by the same author.

10. Thackery's 'Vanity Fair' - another great 19th century social satire and commentary.

11. TC Boyle's 'Drop City' - an American realist writer who documents a hippy commune who decamped to Alaska.....and how it all went wrong. Tortilla Curtain by the same author is another good bet....concerns the issue of Mexican migration to the US for cheap labour.

12. And how could I possibly have forgotten John Steinbeck? It is hard for me to decide which one to go for......'Grapes of Wrath' or 'East of Eden' as they are both wonderful epics......

13. Last but not least the fantasy novels I have enjoyed and loved....Robert Jordan's 'Wheel of Time' is a whole world within the pages. Stephen Donaldson's novels get top marks also, and I was a fan of Terry Pratchett a while ago.

14. As for non fiction....nothing beats for me reading the psychodynamics of Freud, Jung, or others within that movement.....Check Melanie Klein, Rd Laing etc. Also I love Camille Paglia, and other feminist lit of an alternative stripe....Elizabeth Wurtzal's 'Bitch' is a classic of modern feminism.....'In praise of difficult women' lol.

Sadly my issues have caused me to lack concentration lately......so I haven't been reading as much as I once did....but I will start again, it is one other way to escape apart from drugs......A broken heart needs solace. I've felt at times my life is over........but it won't be. No man is worth dying for, tears have been enough....it is time to start repairing my life and be the person I want to be, with no unsolicited 'help' from abusive men....Don't think it is because of the drugs....they are not to blame. My problem is being to ready to accept abuse from men who claim to love me one day and hate me the next. I need time alone, as seeing him even just brings it all back......

Friday, 5 February 2010

Awards....


Looks like it is my turn to give the awards here....as some of my followers have been so kind as to do for me.

1. Infinite Sadness, or Fake Plastic Masochist, fellow sex worker and addict who is as honest and upfront about her lifestyle as I am about mine....it is good to find a kindred spirit like that, although our sexual preferences and choice of poisons are a little different it seems we have more in common than not. Thank you for writing so openly about a lifestyle like mine which so many people are quick to judge....I know she tires of all that as much as I do, people judging us who have never walked in our shoes.

2. Rachel Reprobate of In Smile Out Blood, for her beautiful poetry which cuts straight to the core, with her honesty about her inner life and all. Although we may leave different kind of lives and she may be more of an introvert than I, still I relate to a lot of what she writes about. A terrific writer and an honest one as that, it is not always easy for some people to be so open about their feelings, emotions etc as she is. Thank you, your blog has sometimes made me feel I am not alone with the 'void' syndrome and the way I often feel.

3. Mainlinging Eyeliner, one of my most recent followers........I've only just started following her blog but already I am hooked on her take on things....the way she writes on men is spot on, and I admire her for her frankness and honesty about her life etc.

4.Weekly Posts.....I like his style of writing and his take on things, the variety of topics he covers. He's only recently started blogging, but I hope he keeps it up. Intelligent man and a talented writer.

5. Dan of Incoherent Ramblings, who has a similiar take on a lot of things that I do....wrote a good post on war on drugs and on a mutual dislike we have...pretentious hippies, plus a good post on work and how economics invades every sphere, the way work and play is compartmentalised. Hope he continues to blog, I sure am a fan! Intelligent with a good philosophical take on things that is in many ways like my own, it's not that often I find someone with similiar views to myself. You keep on writing!

6. Dumb Baby, for his fine music and lyrics and his outsider prose and poetry that I can always relate to on some level, being an outsider/alternative lyricist myself and all.

7. Cold As Heaven....an intelligent journal from a fellow musician who shares a love of music and the same kind of books as me. He writes frankly and honestly about his life, ideas etc and that is what I prize above all - honesty and frankness.

8. Also Christopher, for his self deprecating humour on his blog and his wit on his journal on life and everything.

9. Goddess didn't build here for her envy.....an interesting blog that is in journal form but has some interesting and intelligent comments on science and other things.

10. And of course I cannot forget Christina, of 'he then added his sister.....', her intro, 'I'm honest, I say what's on my mind, if you don't like it, you can fuck off'. My sentiments entirely, top marks for her attitude.

Thanks to all the others listed on my blogroll and who follow mine, I don't have time to mention every one but do know that I enjoy your blogs for similiar reasons as those of my friends listed above........

Daily Whinge

Pisses me off cos no decent snow around right now...and it is not like it is cheap shit....the thing about it is that the stuff I have been getting is good compared to the other crap around right now.....so God knows what that is like....The thing is I had some the other day and I was pretty high, then I had a little more from the same people and it failed to do as much...so I imagine their supplier had been bashing it.

My own guy had some too, and I did a whole gram and it did little, two probably would've done the job but I did not have the money for two...and if it is decent gear I get the effect from one that I would need two of lower quality produce to obtain. If I had not been so desperate to get wrecked I'd have waited til there was more decent shit about, proper stuff that will do the job.......

Meanwhile, I fucked things tonight. There were cops around outside I didn't want to get pulled, and the phone has been dead. I found out why.....because for some reason there is a bloody fault with my phone....I can receive texts and make outgoing calls just not receive them....have to be onto o2 first thing. Damn, had I known I would've kept the other no on my profile and I may have earnt something. I rarely earn nothing on a Friday night I am fucked. Penniless. I would've gone to a friends or let them come here but I waited on money which never came, I'm now short of food everything it fucking sucks. Tomorrow is another day....let's hope because someone else is being a pain, a git because he's got no money got shit but can't sell it partly due to there being no money around and partly due to the general quality of the gear at present. There may no longer be that drought but it takes time for quality to improve (and the quality of cocaine in this country is not the greatest at the best of time, at least not at street level). To get anything that is pure you would need an enormous wad of money, thousands of pounds to buy in bulk....and I don't have a wad of money like that, sadly I am not a millionare.

Artificial droughts and the high price of drugs is caused by prohibition and the stupid 'war on drugs' which creates scarcity. The scarcity of the product pushes the price up and decreases the quality, as peddlars cut or 'bash' the product to make it go further, for the sake of profit. Scarcity means people are willing to buy drugs which are of lower quality, as it is touch and go anyway. Even with the best will in the world, you buy say half or a quarter ounce. It may be partway decent, it may be mediocre. To ensure the product is of decent quality you are probably best spending 1200 pounds on an ounce....when I had the money I would have done that had I the contacts at the time, and passed on what I didn't need myself. I wish I still bloody had the money to stop fucking about like this and get a decent amount, then it won't be so bashed as it is....of course it won't be pure, the only way to get pure stuff would be to buy a kilogram of it....and that costs around 56k. But buying in ounces is a better way to ensure quality than buying in grams, which is all I can afford right now.

Crap gear is a pain......it aint so bad with smack because a bag cost ten pounds, not such a great loss....whereas a gram of coke is between £40 and £60. Sometimes you can get half gs for £20 to £30 but it isn't really enough. Therefore to buy crap gear is an expensive waste.......let's hope things improve soon. I have to earn tomorrow then maybe I can party tomorrow night...I'll repost my ad, give my apologies re the phone, and take it from there...something should give. I'll even get ready so I can take guys with short notice, I'm that desperate.........I'll do the street in the eve if I must, Saturday is normally good and so is Friday normally, but it didn't work thanks to the phone and the bloody pigs.....I'll have to keep positive. I'll tell you know who of my determination to earn, that means I can buy some shit and then he won't be so miserable....shame to be someone's punchbag when I'm the only one who pulls through for that bloody man though I naturally wonder why at times......Oh well. I'll keep my head high and my chin up. I have to for the sake of my health, sanity, wallet....and my damned nose!

Hippy Tourism - Or Hippycrites.


Here's something else I posted before re annoying hippies......

I notice that another favourite pastime of self righteous arrogant hippies is to lecture others on environmentalism, and force their Western middle class guilt on others. And you know what? They aint got no right at all. They are as guilty as anyone - in fact far guiltier than the people they sneer on who live in cities and live on cheap food and takeaways.

How do they get to their exotic backpacking destinations? However far the human race had evolved, I have heard no news that it's more 'enlightened' members have grown wings. Therefore, I must assume they catch a plane like everyone else. Yet, these same people have the nerve to lecture others for booking.....cheap air flights! Oh well, ok if you are a spoilt rich kid used to buying first class tickets to hot destinations. Ok, then, to look down on those less fortunate and demonise them for doing, um, the same thing you do - but in fact using less air mileage because you can only afford a short fuel flight to some Southern European destination anyway? I got sick to death of that George Monbiot writing in the Guardian on that very subject, and was pleased when somebody wrote in and pointed out his own consumption of air fuel.

In fact - I've a great idea for the issue of air fuel consumption - one that has already been suggested by some of our dear environmental friends but it's long overdue! Let's go back to the good old days - now! Let us once again make air travel a luxury only for the privileged view, the very rich. That way the huddled masses and the great unwashed will not create eyesores at airports nor will the elite be forced to rub shoulders with them as they pass them on the steps of the plane. Every hot foreign beach will be uncontaminated, no more working class men with tattoos or beer cans nor women in white stilettos! Let the rich reclaim every hot spot in the world, and let the masses be satisfied as they once were with eating fish and chaps on British beaches - where they belong!

The trouble is being rich does not mean you are cleaner, cause less pollution....the poor do not drive around in 4x4s. One vile little man (Mr Hemp) banged on about how well decked some rich hippies had their vans....and I pointed out my dislike of those types. The fucker said that they must be 'cleverer' than me because I am poor and a prostitute to boot......the thing he misses, is that just like him (mummy and daddy's boy) the wealth these people have is rarely self made, it is normally inherited...had I a rich daddy who gave me a trust fund I'd be laughing. Tara Palmer Tomkinson has not ever had to walk the streets to obtain her drugs, no sign of her superior intelligence though. But at least she isn't a hypocrite in that sense.

Lets see what benefits hippies bring to the places they visit....

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/tidal-wave-of-irresponsible-tourism-suffocates-thailands-paradise-reefs-547190.html

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Goa/Cops_get_tough_with_noise_pollution_norms/articleshow/3044739.cms

http://en.rian.ru/world/20090323/120694989.html

Now, I know that neither of the first two pieces are concerned directly with hippies, ok. But who made both those places tourist hot spots in the first place? Thai beaches are almost ruined by Western tourism, and Goa is not far off. First come the backpackers, then come the nightclubs, fast food joints (to accomodate their partying) hotels, and bang - you have a new exotic destination. Better idea, let's build a new airport there as well to make it a more convenient spot for tourists to flock to!! Most beach resorts destroyed by tourism were tranquil areas once. Now they are nightmares of discarded rubber, paper (and God knows what other debris), beer cans, and 24-7 noise.

The laws described in the second article may seem a little harsh - but why did it come to that? Perhaps it may have had something to do with the locals getting fed up of having their ears blasted with loud techno 24-7 and their beaches turned into non stop discos or raves? I doubt the locals would see so quickly the link between rave culture and spirituality as modern hippies are quick to, but let's leave that for now. And what a nerve....a foreigner getting aggressive with local cops when he was creating noise and no doubt other pollution on their beach. When in Rome do as the Romans do. Trashing your own beach is one thing - but someone elses?


Now, I'm not one to lecture anybody about noise - I am probably one of the worst culprits. Trance (as is often played on those beaches) is not my thing, but I am not averse to some kinds of techno, and of course I love to play loud rock music. But then I don't tell people how trendy it is to catch long haul air flights and start parties on exotic beaches.

I am no killjoy - but those who preach against consumption of air fuel and noise pollution are often among the worst culprits for adding to it. Please, mote and beam. Or look in the mirror.

Another thing that locals (especially if they are poor) in these destinations probably get sick of is being treated either as objects of pity or as curiosities by Western tourists.

Now, I am not averse to visiting exotic destinations myself (when I have the air fare, which is not very often) but there is nothing wrong with having a little -um- awareness? In my case it's more a question of the feelings of the locals rather than air mileage, but that depends on your priorities, doesn't it?

Now, I aint kidding, but one American hippy posted online that he goes to beach parties in Goa because there are no beaches in NYC....what? Not in the whole of New York State - and aint NY on the East Coast of the United States? Even if he was being lighthearted there is an implication there...ok, so the waters around NY are polluted. Hence he must go and pollute the waters elsewhere. All he is engaging in is a more subtle form of imperialism. Locals put up with the likes of him no doubt because they are poor and need the money tourism brings.....but that doesn't mean they like all the crap that comes with Westerners, their culture ('alternative' or otherwise) and the pollution, destruction of their beaches.

Don't misunderstand me by my link to the second article - in this country I am not in favour of police breaking up outdoor parties, on the beach or elsewhere (in fact I hate it) and, yes, even when it comes to hippies, they're entitled to have their fun like the rest of us (even though I personally find both their music and their drugs rather tedious). It is not for me to dictate, but not all of them have been willing to show me the same level of tolerance. And then they wonder why I get sick of hippies and their tastes.

However, my support of the outdoor music scene might not be the same if I lived in another country, simply wanted to be in peace and found my local beach invaded by Western hippies, their 24-7 raves (with the noise entailed) and the beaches not only crowded and noisy but also littered with garbage. Perhaps then my tolerance would start to wane, especially were I a few years older.

The Fall - Totally Wired

Totally wired........indeed!

Nico - All Tomorrows Parties

She looks a bit smacked out there.....I relate to this song.....I turn to yesterdays clown and hide.....and I wear hand me downs, thrift shop gear etc x

Thoughts Again....Brothels, Agencies Etc.

Just read Infinite Sadness's latest post on guys who take too long.....I wholeheartedly know how she feels....30 minutes means just that. Had a guy once who could not climax within that time, then told him if he wanted longer he could pay more.....he then decided to blame me for his failure, the jerk! It was his problem, but some guys do know how to take the piss alright! Hopefully got someone round in an hour or so, hope he doesn't let me down. Someone let me down yesterday and screwed up my evening, he called in the morning said he'd be round in the evening.....stupid prick left a voicemail message on my work phone to cancel.....and I don't listen to voicemail on that phone because it does not always have credits. Nor did I see a missed call from him, it must have been engaged....why could he not have texted to ensure I'd see it? How thoughtless are these pricks? Relying on that stupid phone alone for a while cost me a fortune, I'm so happy to have my personal phone back. 02 can be good if you've been with them a while especially, good tariffs, free texts and calls every so often....unlike that stupid network the work phone is on.

Thing is I texted that idiot telling him call me on my other phone...for a second time, after he'd let me down, he called again on the work phone and left a voicemail a second time, why could he not have bloody texted? I had to spell it out - please call or text on my other phone, please do not leave voicemail on that phone etc. I am gonna give up that stupid work phone, use my personal one for everything til I get another work phone from 02. Jason lent me the work phone - no wonder he never has any credits with that stupid network.

I hope this guy does show at four doesn't let me down......else I'll need to earn otherwise, somehow. Internet been dead lately.....what makes me puke is when guys see that ad and want to come round immediately, instantly - as if I don't need time to prepare. I cannot be tarted up all day as I have a life apart from that - I do need to do normal things like shopping etc and I work by appointment, I do not run a brothel where people can just turn up out of the blue and find me immaculate....escorts, single or agencies, did not used to be brothels....the fact that many brothels advertise as agencies confuses the matter. Brothels used to advertise under 'massage' - why don't they still? Escorts are call girls....either go to meet the guys at their place or a hotel or have them over....by appointment. One is supposed to give an hours notice. I do not advertise as massage or a brothel....I advertise as an escort, pure and simple. When he put an ad in the paper for me he had it as an agency, not a brothel. People who run brothels should stop calling themselves agencies as it screws my work up....I get sick of guys calling thinking I am a brothel, like....'How many girls do I have there'.....and 'what time am I open til?', or 'what time am I there til'. The last one is my favourite.....like, this is my home, I damn well live here!

Someone rang this morning expected to come round with 5 minutes notice when I had not long been awake and did not feel at my best. As much as I needed the money, I had to turn him away because I could not answer the door in my pajamas and I need time to prepare mentally as well as physically. Why can they not just give notice? Or, if they must have instant gratification look in the massage section - then they'll be certain to find a brothel where they can just turn up immediately, it would save me the aggro. If things were booming right now I could in theory set my hours, get dressed up and say I am available certain times, limit it to afternoons or evenings only and run like a one woman brothel.......I've done it before. But all is so slack right now I do what I can when I can......and to be honest I prefer working this way by appointment, it suits me better.....I prefer to be an escort than a brothel.

I got very snappy this morning when one guy rang asked what time am I 'open' til, to which I responded I am not 'open' as such at any time as my home is not a brothel where people can just show up and expect to see me on tap, no notice. 'Available' does not mean 'open'. I am going to state on my ad explicitely that notice is required, I am not a brothel, and they must bear that in mind...also that they get what they pay for, I treat them decently if they show me respect and all. Another thing that annoys the hell out of me is when guys ask what am I like....if you respond off the internet then you see my pictures and a description, you jerks! You know full well what I am like....or you should. Some ring with the sole intention of getting cheap kicks, no intention of making an appointment, they just want to obtain free what they would pay £1.70 per min on a premium rate number....and jerk off while they talk to me. I have to keep those calls brief and cut them short. There are so many timewasters it is so frustrating and unreal, but the worst are those who make appointments, either bottle out or just get kicks out of wasting my time, and don't bother phoning to cancel. They normally don't answer if I call them back. I mean, what do they expect me to do to them if they cancel? Kill them, castrate them?

That's why in some ways, however degrading it can be in it's own way, walking the streets is in some ways easier although it's a bit more dangerous because it saves talking on the phone with timewasters. At least I know where I stand - and I don't mean on a corner lol.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Anger

Oh hell, I am so bloody sick and frustrated. I am so angry right now with everything, everyone, I just wish they'd all fuck off. Like it aint bad enough my home no longer feels like a home but a dumping ground for other people's belongings, and the man I loved and thought loved me decided to leave me alone at the worst possible time (his junk and bike are in my spare room - like there aint enough junk here and my head is too fucked to deal with it or anything right now, but meanwhile got what he could by still expecting me to support him financially, play games by stealing my Sim cards and he and his mates find my situation funny, run up my phone bills, and I put everything off as this bad patch makes me too depressed to go out and all. I should have got the phone situation sorted out earlier, but respites from the storm meant I just wanted to relax, doing anything seems to much during this period and I can never get myself organised. When you are depressed everything seems like more of an effort than normal, all problems look bigger than they are And then it costs me more bloody money I hate playing the poor me syndrome etc....I just wonder at times how much of this is self inflicted and how much is due to other people. I don't know at times......but I don't want to be a self pitier who blames everyone and everything else..........Oh God.

The thing that got my back up a tad was a guy who befriended me online and said if he knew me better and my problems better.....he'd advise against me 'selling my body' for the sake of my self esteem. Fuck off. I don't 'sell my body' - hiring out sexual acts is not selling your body. If I put a price tag on myself and gave myself over to one guy for life and let him do whatever he liked to me it would be....but that is not what I do. My life is difficult enough right now without attitudes like that, I had enough before of do gooders wishing to save me from myself. I found myself walking on eggshells with you know who.....but he had me as a punchbag, I have no punchbag but myself....and if that dude was so worried about my self esteem he shouldn't say dumb things like that, should he? Guess if I am outspoken I should deal with the consequences if I am controversial....I normally can. But as the guy does not know me or my problems....he can butt out. Life bloody sucks at times.