At least I've had the comfort this weekend of that little voice telling me everything is alright.......for a bit. Not as much as I'd like, and no big party, but still......at least something gave, even if not all else is resolved.
I may be a blag artist at times....but I have a few principles left. A lot of us drug addicts, in my experience, can be spoilt brats. But it seems we've had abusive childhoods at the same time as having been spoilt materially. It strikes me that it often is the case that our parents may have gave us material things to compensate for lack of love or whatever bad treatment......the West is the best! Cocaine addiction is the perfect thing for spoilt middle class or rich brats......moreish, greed, etc. More, more, more. The way my father would punish me, save for beatings, was witholding affection or money. My parents now help me financially to make up for giving me a shit childhood....they know the sackfuls of Christmas presents, a new doll each week, was not enough to compensate for domestic violence and all the other shit. In pain...have a chocolate. Have a line, a gram, a pipe, a fix....whatever poison is yours, sweet pea.
I fuck up, they bail me out. My folks are not rich but have managed to gain a middle class lifestyle....but they are not happy. My poor mother has an alcoholic husband, a drug addict daughter and an autistic son. I won't go on about their issues...but they have one fucked relationship.
My conscience troubled me earlier in the year....as I borrowed 2 grand off my folks with the intention of paying a debt. I had just began to develop a lust for white dust when I lied to myself as well as them that the debt was such a burden....now I am in more debt and again given them a sob story. I am a loon, but I've told my mother that I have psychosis - without saying my problems are related to drugs. She knows I've used to some extent - I have admitted that much. Maybe deep down she knows but does not wish to admit it to herself....and just feels sad that I hurt and am in the shit. She sent me cash two weeks ago....I blew it on gear. I pleaded with her today not to send me cash.......just to pay it in my landlord's account if she wants to help me clear rent arrears. I cannot be trusted with cash....I told her it is because I am mad and cannot be trusted with money. She said not to say 'mad' - just say I am 'not well'. Was I totally greedy I'd take the cash...but I know where it would go.
I know this guy whose parents gave him everything....they built him an apartment at the back of their place. He is a bad cokehead, stays up four days in a row before crashing, and has had two heart attacks when he's reached his mid thirties. He says he has to be high all the time because he does not like being himself. I know the feeling, but then who is myself? I have a better sense of identity than I used to....but feeling safe in my own skin is another issue. It's not so much these days about being unhappy being myself......but I don't know. The junkie thing is so far tied in with who I am, my image etc......'clean' will never suit me and I like drugs too much to stop them totally, and to some degree I have chosen the lifestyle. I like getting high. Question is I need to find a balance, I need to maintain. I don't want to have to go and earn by walking the streets, facing cop harrasment, having eggs thrown at me and abuse from men in cars etc. I want to look after myself, have fun while not living in misery. I was not living in misery when I was in control of my use, before it got out of hand....
My man still kids himself he can maintain, even while living off me....he cannot. Neither of us got high for a few weeks because of the drought and our money went on living expenses, and why are we in this shit anyway? Perhaps the recent shortage may make us used to using less, but we will see.
4 years ago