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Monday, 18 January 2010

The Void Within

Just read Rachel Reprobate's (In Smile Out Blood) illustrations on suicide - clever and to the point. I know the feeling, and to have someone say something to that effect - you are a pain, why not simply die, is just horrible if you feel bad as it is. I have felt that way, got told such a thing the other night. The person who said it to me is sorry, but it still hurts to think of it.

I have a syndrome which I hear is more commonly a female disease. I get told that I must find what I need within myself. I have been unable to do this - partly explains my need to find it from without from men, drugs, whatever. I can be a social vampire and look to the company of others for whatever it is I need - I've been told that I feed off people, that I am parasitic in a sense.

What if you look within, as I have done, and find nothing but the void? If all you find is emptiness, that takes the form of a dull ache? An emptiness that longs to be filled. I heard this is more common with women - Courtney Love called her band 'Hole' for this reason. It's all very well for people to comment who haven't been there.

As someone put it to me, cocaine addiction is a mental dependency which is not unlike mental, emotional dependency on a person. Another person told me that in a rehab centre most of the cocaine addicts there were women, the men were mainly heroin addicts. Another factor is that people who want to be social will use cocaine rather than heroin, heroin is a solitary drug and not recreational in that sense, not a party drug. It is more common for men to wish to isolate themselves. Men deal with their issues more commonly by withdrawing.

I don't mean to generalise - of course women need time to themselves as well, it just seems not to the same degree. Pleas for space are more often heard from the male part of a couple than the female.

Having the 'void' condition as I do makes me demanding, in a sense. While being extroverted I am emotionally needy at the same time. It can at times drive people away - but it is something I feel I cannot always help. Perhaps therapy or a sympathetic shrink will help me deal with it. Going through 'treatment' for any addiction is pointless as it does not deal with the underlying issues that cause me to use in the first place - I'm not the only person who feels this way.

How can I find what I need from within if all I find when I look is this void? Not nice to feel empty.....despite all my good points, talents they do not compensate, nothing seems to fill it but the use of drugs or other people.

I sometimes feel this is why men will use coke to have power over women, rather than the other way round. Emotional dependency gives a person a lot of control, mix it with a drug that is mentally addictive and you have a dangerous brew.

Men who use a lot of coke often have an ego problem, which women can feed. Perhaps, save for some exceptions, men use it for different reasons. I have noticed that a lot of the men I speak about on this blog are very insecure, despite all the macho bravado. All the bravado is a way to compensate for feeling small, so is the mental buzz they obtain from the dependency of women both on them and their drugs. A man who has had two heart attacks when only his thirties brags of how many women he shags and how long he can last etc. He gets off on porn that involves the humiliation of women, as do a lot of these guys. There is a lot of repressed anger, which unleases itself in misogyny. Perhaps because control over women does not compensate for the lack of love these guys feel. But it is no win because insecurity leads to fear of intimacy, and they have their defence mechanisms to stop anyone getting to close. Part of it is fear of being hurt or rejected, I know. If one puts their emotional guard up they will not let anyone too close, will not obtain the love they lack........but at least they will not get hurt.

Perhaps my own tendency to attract men with these problems is my own defence mechanism, I will not get too close to someone if they do not allow me to in the first place. The problem is solved for me without me having to use these mechanisms - someone puts them in place for me.

Women cannot change men - I have no desire to change anyone. The best way to deal with these situations is to look at changing the relationship rather than changing the person. It is not the person but an unhealthy way of relating to others - part of it expresses itself in the controller and the controlled, the dominator and the dominated, etc.

While this whole thing began as a party, don't think there was no sadness here from the start. It was a party with a dark side, and an expensive party at that.

I am paying for all yesterday's parties and all tomorrow's cannot come soon enough.


  1. first, i'm glad my blog meant something to you, although of course at the same time it doesn't make me happy to know that you can relate to such a thing..
    i can understand all that you say in this post, and i believe you are correct with your generalization of males vs. females. I'm an exception, though, because i do withdraw. in fact, i don't really socialize at all...
    and i do have that void you speak of, as well....but i haven't found anything to fill it with yet that seems to work or even distract me.
    in regards to men and control. i agree and relate....i'm currently stuck in an abusive relationship and have been in it for almost 9 years now...
    so maybe i do have the ultra dependency issues you spoke of..
    and no, i'm not a pathetic, "i love him" type...because, believe me, i have tried and tried..
    in any event, you seem very intelligent. keep your head up xx

  2. Thanks, Rachel. It's very good to find someone who can relate in some sense to all this...I know exactly how it is with those kind of relationships, and I'm not a pathetic type either - you can probably see that I've tried! The involvement of drugs can complicate any relationship though...and I know I use a lot of drugs to help fill the void all goes in circles! You probably gather it was my boyfriend said the suicide thing to me...he's sorry but then he always is. He knows my previous relationship was abusive....but I think if men know that it makes them think they can be abusive, I wish now he didn't know all he does re my ex.

    The methods I use do cope with the void, distract me even if not totally fill it...but they are of course temporary measures.

    Take care, you keep your head up too xxx

  3. I commented before but I dont think it worked. Anyway, you express yourself beautifully and the more you get it out the cleaner you will feel I think.. whether its clean of drugs or just they way you feel about yourself. Keep writing and keep trying : )

    ps cocaine is the perfect drug for men with insecurity issues, as you would know..

  4. Thanks DB. What I want is to stop drugs having the hold over me they do at present...and did I feel better, cleaner about myself it'd be easier.

    Indeed I know too well that cocaine is the perfect drug for men with those issues.....I spend so much time reassuring myself it isn't just me, but I can't be the object for the outlet of these things forever. It just saddens me that one of them cared the greed for drugs or money seems to have overtaken that. The more I hurt the more I feel the need to get high, it sucks but there seem few options at the moment xx