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Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Ups and Downs......

Still no C til tommorrow so we had a cheap stimulant (I don't think it is an amphetamine but something derived from some plant, will check the details in a bit). Not quite as good but needed an up, hopefully something sorted by tomorrow. Just means I at least need a little money, which is a pain being under pressure yet again to get high.........That drug I took last night has a bit of a comedown, but am learning (as I do know already) that I must handle my downs as well as my ups, if one wants to do what I do there is always a cost. I'm not only talking about the drugs but the men as well. Sometimes I'm not sure which is more dangerous, maybe the combination (men who have a lot of drugs) is a lethal combination.

It isn't men per se - just the types I seem to attract or are attracted to. I like men with an aura of danger, excitement. Some women date criminals for the excitement - feeling the buzz of breaking the law without risking your own neck unless you conspire in the activities, which adds an extra buzz. Add an upper to it - and wow! Hooked. Hence sexual dependency and chemicals go hand in hand at times.

At first I was a bit blinded, I knew these men had their faults, dangers - but all I saw was that they were fun to be with and exciting. It was only later that the dark side came through. I invited Jason in and with him came his friends.

Play with fire you do at times get burnt, as I have been. The issue is how to deal with it.

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