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Saturday, 9 January 2010

Updates from the Belly of the Beast

Got some money today, he'll be round tomorrow to reward me for my 'efforts' and I'll have what I want at last, my dust and a bit more.

It is sick, I know, and I am one sick bunny. Perhaps later this month I'll have a bit of my own stuff, then I'll be less dependent on my coke pimp and on the kindness or genourosity of strangers and their money. It is sad, but I miss him using here as a stash spot because at least it meant he'd come over more often. Wish I had not fell in love with him and perhaps given a man the best ego trip of his life. Men on coke have big enough egos as it is, especially if they sell the shit. Them and their head games, dust as a weapon, powder power etc. He said it's better if this place is not a stash spot because it means he just comes over 'when he really wants to be here'. But that is rare these days too - it only tends to be when I have money. If I had nothing it is unlikely I'd be graced with the presence of him or the white dust.

There may be a new contact from the capital (via my friends) who allegedly have top quality gear (flake). Wish I had the money for my own, but if it is no joke I'll get my reward. Apparently the 'girl with the most flake' (dealer is female) objects to men behaving like this. If she knew one thing he'd done she'll give him a taste of 'dust as a weapon'. I mean, this is hard to understand for somebody who has not been there - but imagine waving a candy in front of a kid and not giving it, or Pavlov's dogs. Cocaine can do this to people weak enough to get addicted to it. I've had this done to me throughout last year - first by my ex (the details of that psycho, his vendetta against women who do stimulants and that sick relationship will come later) and then by my current man. Putting a big line and a small one side by side, the big one made into my initial. He takes his time before snorting it slowly in front of me, then hands me the small line. When I complain he says it is his gear and I should be grateful, as I was not paying - besides, how many times has he sold me gear and I've failed to share with him, and what of how generous he was in the summer? Do I forget? I don't forget. But what he forgets is that he flogs it and always has plenty spare - I don't. Nor did I have much money til lately - and I am paying back for my free sniffs, which maybe were not so free.

My mood improved after a few benzos earlier and the fact I obtained money. Now I am thinking again, analysing (he says I 'over analyse') and hurting. Remembrances of past episodes are sticking the knife in where it hurts again.

I've been 'broken' like a bloody horse. I wanted a good time. Unlike some of my smackhead friends (who can no longer relate to me, or vice versa), I wanted to live, not die, but what I love may be killing me slowly. I wanted a guy to have fun with, one who would have an edge but not be abusive. I wanted a lover, friend, partner, and if money was to be involved it was to be a partnership, a relationship of equals so to speak, and yes, I did want an agent, minder, whatever to watch my back if I must sell myself. Instead it seems I have landed myself with a cynical pimp. I hate the fact that yet another relationship is so one sided, the story of my life.

I hate speaking this way of the man I love, but when he continuously hurts me so.....He asked me not to paint him into 'something he isn't', and that I don't do, I just say what is true. I constantly make excuses for what he does, rationalise it. Even now I feel guilty as he was nice earlier and promised what I want, even though it was just cos I have what he wants.

We have managed to be ok sober a few days together - I suggested we both go away out of the scene for five days to reduce our mutual consumption - when he insisted he could 'maintain', 'had a perception to his problem', while I was the one in denial and fucking up. Well, pimping a woman you claim to 'love to bits' and was your girlfriend (when you felt like) because you are desperate to pay back your debt to violent crims and want more coke, how fucked up is that? No more fucked up. He has his buddy to catch him when he falls - I have nobody cos all my friends are fucked up too or have too many problems. I pointed this out to his mate - and he said I'd have more friends was I not 'such a pain'. Guys, it is you who give me my pain and make me a nag and a bitch. Are men so lacking compassion? And my friends love me - I have the effect on people that they either love or hate me.

This financial and emotional mess must be sorted out. I must regain my dignity. Knowing the man as I do - he is not the type to refuse me everything but dust (when I have money) and use just brutal extortion to get what he can, claim me as property and threaten me with death did I want out. He aint used to being a bloody pimp, before he knew me he had no 'girls', although he admitted this was one of his business ideas - one of which made me a little uncomfy but I thought if they know what they are doing and want minders, agents etc it be their choice. But he did not want me working in the beginning, I was 'too good' for that, I was special then. But desperate times called for desperate measures. I said times were hard enough to make me do what I had to, but I would not do it if it meant destroying his respect for me and damaging the relationship. He said not to worry, it wouldn't, do what I must. It seems it has, and I told him I'd stop. He doesn't want me to stop. What do I do?

I want to see if there are any chances of repairing a sick and parastic relationship. Despite his protests that I 'set myself up' for it I never wanted financial exploitation. I want things how they were before - the times when he did have genuine love and affection, when his love for money and coke did not outweigh his love for me. I want something to live for save for drugs. Give me that, and then I can work towards being a recreational user again ( I never want to 'stop' drugs because I enjoy them, and I don't believe in enforced abstinence). I can do coke weekends and during weeks chill out with a pill or a beer in the evenings, I've done it before. I can steer clear of opiates......I've steered clear of smack, despite my issues. I can stop the use of codeine or methadone to cope with comedowns, which have only resulted from excess and addiction (and the physical pain from an injured knee due to an assault from my psycho ex). I can be strong once more.

Believe me, I have beat the beast before. I've done coke recreationally and not gotten addicted.....I only get addicted when my head is messed up, and it was due to the abusive relationship with my ex, which occured at the same time I was struggling to overcome an opiate dependency (which I did, but he helped me fuck up). I'll say more about him later, but he was not far removed from the 'Mr Psycho' in my earlier post. I can beat it again, I just need this house in order. Keep bringing strife and the need to escape will continue. I can get semi clean (I've accepted the fact I can never be totally straight, clean, sober - and no, I don't believe in the 12 step abstinence cult as a substitute - fuck that). I can sort it out when the hurt stops, or at least decreases. And he has to sort it out too.

I feel pathetic for having let drugs and the men in my life take me down so, forgive me all. It will change. Please don't tell me to stop drugs or leave him - I can't. I must deal with them in my own way, my own time. So help me God.

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