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Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Updates and Explanations

Regarding my earlier posts - now there were a few angry rants regarding the men I associate with. I portrayed them as insane, violent, misogynistic criminal drug addict brutes. There is more to this, and two sides to everything.

I am no saint. It is my choice to associate with these men. True, drugs has something to do with it. None of the women who associate with them are saints either. Some are far gone and accept abuse for the sake of drugs. Others, like myself, do not play games, do not give our gender a black name by manipulating men to obtain drugs. We openly admit what we want and do favours in exchange for drugs or money. We gain some form of respect from them. True, they may view as 'ho's', 'coke tarts', whatever, but at least respect our honesty. Their mistrust caused many of them to doubt me, thinking I was there for what I could get. I proved them wrong as I pay my way. If any of them wish to shag me I admit to wanting something and make no pretence it is out of any love or affection for them. When off my nut I've fufilled a few of their needs for male bonding (hey, as long as it is consensual it can be fun), demanded nothing. They get what they want and more, so do I. Everyone has fun, where is the harm in that? This is not what I call abuse, even if it is a bit kinky. C increases women's as well as men's libidos, even if at times men have trouble performing under the influence.

I've been very cheeky here. I am actually understanding towards men, it has been my profession. I've been paid for sex by men who have a problem in this way. I only ever laugh at men if they are inclined towards sexual aggression, and then cannot even get it up! A man who cannot obtain an erection is incapable of rape, so cannot use his penis as a weapon. It makes a brute look pathetic. This is why some men are very touchy about the subject, their pricks being the core and essence of their identity as men. Say what I do to a misogynistic, coke sniffing psycho and I could be in bad trouble. I could get a beating or worse. I was warned by a guy I will write a little of (I'll call him Jimmy) in a while. Jimmy warned me not to say this to the wrong guys when I was under the influence and blabbing on - think before I talk. Jason said something similiar to me when saying to him in private.

First time I got together with Jason neither of us were up to it really. We'd both been using. I can never totally relax the first couple of times I go with a man and cannot get aroused easily. I never get wet, to be blunt. He was unable to perform and felt embarrassed, as it is embarrassing for most men. I said I understood, I know that stimulants sometimes cause men to have that problem. And I admitted myself I always feel awkward the first few times with a man. Despite what I do for a living, I never get aroused by the guys I shag for money. My heart is not in it, it is a means to an end. I use lubricant. Men cannot do anything if they cannot get hard.

Erectile dysfunction can sometimes produce misogyny or excacerbate it. I know this from experience. My psycho ex once asked for a line of my coke (which prior to his grudging acceptance of my using had claimed he would never touch and neither could I if I wanted to stick around). I was asked to make a choice and I made it - to do what I wanted, take me or leave me. He decided to take. He had the problem, was unable to get it up. I was numbed out, we were not on the same wavelength so I was just going through the routine, not really enjoying it but persisting because I did not want abuse. Why I stayed was another thing - I had a horrible, parastic relationship with this man that was abusive on his part. But back to the point. He lost his erection and went as if to hit me, I got scared and cringed. I got the blame for the loss of his erection because I 'gave him my coke' - he asked for it, I did as the idiot asked. I did not encourage or force him to do it. He said 'shut up, bitch, whore'. He said 'this is what men on coke are like', 'you like gangsta rap etc'. Sorry, but not all men on coke behave in this. I've been with men on coke who do not get hard and don't call me names, blame me, or worse hit me because of it.

Believe - the men I've spoken of may be twisted in some ways, sexually dominant, inclined towards a touch of misogyny. But the ones I have been with have not gotten aggressive with me if they do not get hard. I have enough self preservation and 'female intuituon' not to deal with these types.

But sexual frustration can produce anger in men, which maybe leads to issues with women in general. This link may not be conscious, but it does not mean it never exists.

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