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Thursday, 14 January 2010

Today

Got a friend coming over tonight, Alex's ex. We'll have a drink and catch up, will be nice.

Was hoping Jason might pop round with something, but it looks unlikely. He was let down yesterday, and he's sick with flu anyway so Jimmy might have to deal with it if anything does happen. It doesn't seem it will though. Damn it, would be nice to get high. I need to earn as well, and the phone is dead. Jason moaned at me yesterday because I fell asleep in the afternoon and didn't repost the ad so lost potential income. I shouldn't have worried so the night before and kept myself awake all night. I feel a bit shitty but I'll live, gone without before. Memories of events in the not to distant past still hurt but they are at least in the past. I just hope things stay better. Then everyone will be happy, when the money improves and we can work towards some element of stability. If a deal comes through next week on an investment hopefully we won't be in this position again, as he said.

Infinite Sadness posted something today that reminded me of my own situation. I don't mix with 'normal' people because they cannot relate to me nor I to them. They do not understand my life and never will, nor do I understand theirs. I have been exasperated with the efforts of one such 'friend' to 'guide' me through my 'situation'. She is totally straight, middle class etc - I knew her from my attempts at normality when I was with Andy in London. What she does not understand is that the person I was trying to be then was not the real me. She saw glimpses of the real me but does not really know me at all. She now understands that I do not wish to be totally normal - and her stupid efforts to save me from myself and the men in my life are doomed to fail. Her unsolicated advice, hectoring etc was not welcome here. She spoke to me like I am a retard. A pal of hers offered to come here and 'rescue' me - I told him where to go. She stupidly assumed Jason and his mates are all older than me when in fact most of them are younger or the same age. Her idiot pal called me a 'child' when I am 36 years old and know what I am doing, I know the score and am not a naive teenager playing with something I do not understand.

I know what coke is and I know what the sex industry is. However, my recent experiences have been an eye opener and taken things to a new level. I've touched on the fringes before of this world but have never been so much entangled in the trade, business that surrounds the drug. Comes with the territory, the downs and the ups etc, danger etc. In some ways what I have been through recently has been terrifying, but maybe in some sick sense I did enjoy the drama of it. I enjoy some drama just not to that extent. Alex has not been here and I haven't seen him, which is why things have calmed. Jason still sees him and still thinks he has his use. I just pleaded he keeps him at a distance, because things have not been the same since he has been on the scene. Jimmy said Jason was doing relatively ok two months ago, but has been fucked up since. Coincidently - or not as I believe - this was around the time he started hanging out with Alex most of the time. At that time Alex was the bees knees, could not put a foot wrong. I thought differently and always had my reservations. I warned Jason and he wouldn't listen to me, he had to learn for himself. It's just a shame I paid the price. Jimmy does not connect Jason fucking up with the entrance of Alex, instead I get the blame. I take on so much blame for everything that goes wrong, far more than my share. I'll go into more detail later about a few episodes, write about them to exorcise them for good.

Alex now believes my friend is in a different town, but has still been harrassing her on the phone, he won't let go and move on. Fortunately he knows not to come here again.

Back to the issue of my square pal. The joke of it is that she has a bossy, domineering partner who has not always paid his way. He bullies her, with me and everyone else she is as feisty as hell. During a phone call I heard him raise his voice, and she stuttered timidly in response. Yet this is ok, according to her, because he is not a 'coke dealing pimp'. Not the point in my book. Ok, so she does not work in the sex industry but I know she has supported her partner, financially as well as providing him accomodation. Ironically this man is a former amphetamine addict, so it is hypocrisy on her part. But she believes she has one over me because she lives within the law and is part of 'normal' society while I am a person of the night who lives outside of the law and normal society. My man is 'criminal scum' and I am a downtrodden whore, to some idiots it really is that simple. It is not. To her he 'takes my money' - I explained he does not, I give it willingly. But this does not matter in her view - there is no possible comparison because my man is a criminal and hers is not, end of story. If she hates drugs and criminals so why does she want anything to do with me? If it is to attempt to change me into the straight, middle class 'normal' girl she attempted to guide me to be (asking me had I worked for a 'local authority before - like I'd dream of working for the State that makes me into a criminal!) she will be dissapointed. I am not and will never be who she would like me to be, and I made that clear. Wanting to work on my writing and music, not wanting to be a sex worker and a total drug fiend forever does not mean I want her kind of life either. I am aiming for some kind of happy norm between total madness and total normality, danger and boredom. I need an element of danger and excitement to thrive, that is clear to me now. Events have helped me to understand that better. I have a man around me who at least is the same way and wants the same thing. I could not settle with a man who was straight and normal. Jason had a wife who was straight and could not settle with her for similiar reasons I would not be able settle with such a man. Andy had been the closest and that failed. I don't want the lifestyle Andy wanted - mortgage, 9-5 job, 2.5 kids in suburbia. He did dabble a bit, but what I have told him is a different world from anything he has ever seen and can understand.

My 'normal' pal may not hate my lifestyle as much as she claims, she has always had a sordid fascination with sleaze of any kind - politician sex scandals excite her and give her some escape from her boring dull existence. Face it, she must be bored. If her own life was so exciting then why the fascination with mine? Politician sleaze scandals bore me because I live sleaze, it is my job. I don't need it as escape, if anything I feel the need to escape from it at times! The same way that Jason doesn't like to hear people bang on about coke, he does it, and it's what he does for a living. There was one night he had some friends round when we could score nothing, he said it made a change to be normal. What for most people is 'normal', a routine evening is a change and at times a rest, a night off for fiends like us.

My life, or hearing about it, is escape for her, despite her telling me and herself she is merely looking out for what she perceives as my own interests. She listens to gangsta rap, ffs! If she hates drugs, guns, violence, hoes, pimps etc why the fascination with them? A window into my world is the same as listening to gangsta rap for her - if anything better because it is somehow more real. That is the price you pay for being 'normal' - boredom. I complain at times of being sad but rarely of being bored, at least. If I am not high then there is some crisis, or I am hustling, or whatever.

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