I feel a relief after near despair. While it does not solve all my woes it gets a level of the burden off my shoulders....
I managed to earn something tonight despite the grief earlier. Alex had been arrested while Jason was with him. While I could see Jason was stressed, I wanted him to come over tonight as I had no money and no food, nothing. He didn't feel like coming over, he felt not up for going anywhere. I didn't feel like going out earning and being here alone, again....but no choice if I was not to starve. I told him I cannot support a man and get nothing back, and made the same old list of complaints. The same old row resulted, which ended in him ignoring me. I tearfully phoned a mutual friend, the guy who introduced in the first place. This person knows Jason and what he can be capable of, knowing that while he is not an evil man he can be fucked up.
I decided to brave it...I swigged a couple of beers and went and earned, and I found a guy who was generous. I got £90 together, enough for some shopping and some cash left over, more than enough. I could have done more had he come over and I'd made an earlier start....but I felt too screwed up myself.
I texted him and said that I'd earnt something and had calmed down. I had enough cash for one gram of coke but not for two. He could obtain two but the guy wouldn't bother with just one....if he'd came earlier and things had been better we could have got two, could have gotten high together. I could have earnt more...but this strife isn't conducive, especially when there is this drought and I don't have the consolation of getting high for sure.....
I spent some time at a mates and obtained a diazepam. Jason was calmer, said when he is depressed he loses the motivation for everything, as do I, and we are both in the same place, broke and sad. That's also the reason for the loss of his sex drive, at least I know it aint me.....
He is 400 quid short of his rent while I am four months in arrears due to what we've put up our noses. It looks pathetic...as he says there are third world peasants starving. The woes of Western drug addicts look ridiculous when compared....it must be put in perspective. Drug addiction and mental illness is a Western luxury.
But maybe it shows something....over consumption may be a symptom of unhappiness, the malaise of Western capitalist culture, the internal emptiness I spoke of. Consumer culture is empty...and maybe cocaine consumption is a way to fill this void, like I said. While some people in this world are hungry and struggle to eat....I have left myself hungry so I can get high, then I have to earn in order to eat again and maintain neccessities. Perhaps eating is all the South American farmers who grow my precious coca leaves can afford to do, not having enough money to even dream of sniffing, but the leaves are always there to chew as they slog in the fields. Some of these guys are in danger of the gun too, by government death squads as well as criminals. I live in danger for different reasons, although it is related to the 'leaves of life' (as coca leaves were nicknamed in South America - can't recall if it was by the Spaniards or the natives though.
I like that drug because I ultimately like to live....but the cost of life is high. Sometimes too high.
Hopefully I should get some enhancement of live in the afternoon - if Jason's call was anything to go by I need another £40 or £50. I took a walk and tried to earn it tonight on the way back from my mates....I'd left it too late though. A timewaster stopped me so I came home....tomorrow is another day though.
Pray soon things will be like they were - he is the type of man who does withdraw when the going is rough and needs space to reflect - male condition. Meanwhile loneliness and the void is the female one - and we both lack the means to get high. At least I know it aint me....I'll tough it out. He needs me more than he admits....and we both clearly need - or want real badly - you know what. Hopefully we'll have a party when this is over....and the pressure and strife ceases....if we weren't so fucked up we might have been able to have had two grams tonight despite drought etc.
My mate is coming over tomorrow hopefully, the musician friend who introduced us...maybe having a jam and doing some music will take my mind off this shit.
Til later xxx
4 years ago