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Sunday, 3 January 2010

Thank God.....And Love Kills Slowly

Thank heaven (or hell - a self righteous friend said I am turning away from God) I am not going to have to pawn my possessions tomorrow - esp my most important one (my guitar being the only therapy). The internet has been dead for business. I went on the strip and managed to earn some money - neither me nor my man have had any C for nearly 5 days and we both feel like shit.

In the new year I hope to be once more the happy recreational user I was six months bac, partying weekends with some semblance of normality in the week and stop being an addict. I've only coped through the use of diazepam and alcohol to give me the courage to get the money that my man needs to pay back his dealers before he can rescore and get his own coke to flog again, then we can both get high to escape from the current misery we are in. Vicious circle - not knowing when to stop or at least slow down when the party is over brings costs, high cost. You end in debt and worry, which brings the need to get high again to escape which costs more and what was once a pleasure becomes a chore - you become a professional addict, hustling to get by as we do.

My man owes money to some dangerous guys who have been threatening him. Last night he felt like shit so decided to take it out on me because I owed him some money from what we both sniffed on Xmas eve. He had snorted away his profit - not uncommon but he has not always had me in his life to rely on to sort things out. He needs a certain amount in total - I managed to get just under half what he needed and 'saved his life' as he put it. We made things up after last night he was being mean, shitting me up to explain the gravity of the situation - he was alone Saturday night no money no booze and no drugs and was being threatened by violent crims to whom he owed money.

Hell. I partly blame the drug laws, because I realise that I have issues and he does, but were we to be able to get what we wanted from a pharmacist we not be even more fucked up as we are. Damn prohibition and cops out of my life!

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