Search This Blog

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Some People Have Real Problems

This is quite long.....maybe I am over analysing. But again what I do for a living has been causing trauma in my personal life. This is not, as some people might think, me making excuses for a man being abusive. I think I am recognising and getting some kind of insight into was has been and is still happening.....

1.
'Some people have real problems'.....
This quote makes me laugh.....that's what Jason often says to me and I don't think he knows this artist. She's a cokehead, one of her songs is posted here (Girl you lost to cocaine).

A lot of it is the mind, most if not all. I have to keep a sense of humour and laugh at myself. Only way to retain some level of sanity. Jason has some awareness.....but I hope the man who as recently as one month ago told me he could 'maintain' his habit while I couldn't sees the irony in the fact he is now soley relying on my earnings in order that he can reload.

I need to earn a hundred quid so he gets more gear to flog. I so far have fifty if I am to keep a tenner on me for food, shopping, half what is needed.Then he won't rely soley on me and everyone can get high again, including his idiot mate Jimmy. Then maybe we can all be happy again.....at least for a while. Chances are the man probably feels a shit for having to live off me at present.

Men who psychologically feel like dirt often project it onto those closest to them......life is a bitch (like me lol).

That prick Jimmy has a nerve and is the worst for denial.....claiming he is better than us as he only binges weekends rather than does grams in the week. Cokeheads are different - some don't use in the week but cane it very bad each weekend. According to some people those types are worse than those like myself who spread it out.....I can see the point.

Ok, Jim, you hold down a job but you earn a lot of money and are always broke...where does your money go? Why did I hear you ask Jason if I had any money the other day? Because you wanted to get high? Please don't tell me otherwise.....And don't put it all on Jas, saying you asked because you wanted him to stop doing your head in about coke, you wanted it as much as me or him did. And don't blame me for being a bitch for doing his head in, can't you see these things work both ways? Don't be an ignorant jerk living in denial. You are as bad as any of us. I work for my money and pay my way as you do....whatever you think of what I do you don't mind when I have the money, do you? As Jason puts it, if he has money from any of us we can all enjoy the fruits of our labour and get high, right? If the occasional earache is the price you guys pay.....do you put up with all I do? Ok, so you work but it aint you standing out in the cold, risking your life taking strangers home and shagging them.....so shut the fuck up! Look in the mirror for a change.

Pimping aint easy...but I'll dispute Ice T's claim that 'hoeing aint hard'. I realise part of this blog has been about addiction but it has also been about the men in my life who share my condition. I hang with men who are fucked up simply because I am fucked up, it is just so easy for men to project their issues onto women because we are easier targets. Anyone who thinks women in my position are simply downtrodden junkie victims should think again.

I have no time for drug addicts who blame their problems on everyone else, and people like this are not uncommon. They are toxic. Wallowing in self pity, denial, is the sure route to destruction, I fight against it because I want to live and not die, despite my self destruct button. Junkies can blame their abusive childhoods, surrounding influences, peers, partners, as an excuse, but where does this get them? I could blame my parents, my ex, Jason.....but what would be the point? Wouldn't it be better to say I have no excuses, that doing what I do is a choice? It may be a fucked up and destructive choice....but a choice it is. I have this blog to vent out my issues on.

That is what annoys me so about Jimmy - blaming me for encouraging Jason to do more coke. Some of my friends say the same for him and me.....and after all, wasn't he my dealer? The truth is he needs no encouragement and nor do I. His habit was the same when he met me as it is now. If these men think I am here to save them from themselves they can think again. Jimmy makes it clear I must save myself, that I am a horrible bitch with only myself to blame etc...maybe these men are 'horrible bastards' who can only blame themselves?

The truth is not so black and white. Some people are and have quick to paint the men in this situation as aggressors, and myself and other women as victims. Mary's daughter noticed I have kept my looks and am not stupid - why then do I continue as I do and let myself be hooked not only on drugs but by the men, or man, in my life?

2.

Addiction is not something one can understand lest they've been there.....but the need for that euphoric, heaven on earth feeling (if you've tasted it) can mean everything. You'll give anything to get that feeling, Satan whispering in your ear that everything is and always will be alright. The devil is not called the 'light bringer' for nothing. Jason saw a song I wrote called 'Light Bringer' and knew what it was about without reading it. I don't care what people say....coke has a physical element to it as well, although it is nowhere near as much of a physical thing as smack (but then smack is less of a psychological head fuck......). So if you can't use you physically as well as mentally feel like dirt and feel the need to use again just to get normal, before even getting high.......I don't want to be an addict forerever, but my current head state and circumstances make addiction look like the best choice currently available on offer, to be blunt. Even if it means taking the risks I do in order to get what I want to escape.....that is how deep it goes. You have to have been here to understand it.

As for the men......It is not just them. Any woman who has had a turbulent personal life will tell you that they are attracted to men with elements of excitement, danger, a man with an 'edge'. Mary admits she finds men who are 'nice' to be boring....and I admit that. The drama can be another buzz. Being fucked up means you will attract or be attracted to men who are fucked up....and it does tend to be men who have the upper hand and vent their frustrations on the women close to them rather than take abuse themselves or vent it on each other.

But don't assume these relationships are loveless. In his own twisted way, Alex does love Mary as much as he is capable of, being a very sick man. Her daughter thinks it sad for both of us to be in this situation. Mary does not like drugs like I do but she loves alcohol. Mary is the only one with a true understanding to my situation because she has the same inclinations.

She's normally worked in the caring profession....as did my mother. My father was an abusive alcoholic...and I can tell you there were two sides to that relationship. They are still together and love each other in their own way.....'Parasitic' on both sides is how Jason describes it - he can see it about us. 'Co-dependency' is how the 'Recovery' movement puts it.

Women sometimes hook up with addicted, screwed up men (inclined towards abuse) even if they are clean....so they can feel the buzz through the relationship alone, have the man as an addiction in itself. Jason's ex wife was not into drugs but was a nurse by profession, and she had eating disorders and an abusive childhood.....He thought we might get along and have things in common. But the factor of him, as I pointed out, would stop this happening, stop me getting along with a woman I might do under different circumstances. She would despair of the fact her former husband is a drug dealer who hangs out with and lives off a prostitute, simple. She might pity me...but I don't want her pity, just her husband or ex husband....the man who she wanted back in the not so distant past. He does not want to be with her because she is too 'straightlaced'....I am the opposite extreme, the whore rather than the mother, in the language of the misogyny he admits to sharing with his mates. At times I feel a rage towards the 'angel in the house', as she must feel to me, being a 'scarlet woman' who leads men astray and encourages their vices....but we may have more in common than one may think.

3.

Men and a fixation with food, or a slight booze problem, may be enough for some women. They are not for me....I need to get high with the boys. I need an extra thrill, I am further gone..... and I pay the price, I have sacrificed my reputation. No 'good man' would want a woman like me...and would I want him? Nyet, he'd be 'boring'. A man as messed up as me gives excitement to my pathetic life.....and I give excitement to others whose own lives are boring, with the window to my world I give. The need or lust for danger and excitement is a strong pull.

Sex workers are not a million miles away from care workers. Jason's ex looked after sick people....I look after sick men, as a job and personally. I give lonely men orgasms, and I give the man in my personal life money and emotional support, along with of course the former. Women who do as I do know the score....we don't support the men in our personal lives for nothing. Shagging strangers for money is not the same as emotional intimacy, affection etc.

Do you think our partners honestly feel good about themselves? Can it truly be easy for any man being with a woman who does what I do for a living? It's a tough choice....but one that men will sometimes make if the need for money is strong enough, and if times are hard. Remember, my man did not want me doing it at the beginning of the relationship....I can see why it could do a guy's head in. I'd find it hard dating a male escort, but if times were hard and he promised me a share......What can I say?

Viewing this from the male perspective I can see how things get destructive. A lot of people think that any man with a shred of decency would not allow 'his woman' to do what I do. Any man who does allow it, rather than be a breadwinner himself, is by nature a scoundrel, cad, whatever. It brings issues to women doing as I do....and it does to our partners. There are ways men deal with this.....and the macho pimp thing is one way. A mentality that feeds the male ego (that he must be special...else why does a woman pay him for what other men pay for?), and the view of women as property, out for hire to other men...is a way of coping. Men who live off 'immoral' earnings have deep seated issues.

Some men who live off sex workers are predatory businessmen with misogyny, and really do look at things cynically. For some it is just a business, they are simply agents who have no intimate relations with their employees. It may be fucked up, but my own partner aspires to having such a business, as you can run no agency with only one woman. He thought of doing this before for his own reasons, one of the reasons obviously being money....and I've helped teach him. What the hell, he needs the money and maybe selling sex is easier than flogging cars these days (what he used to do).

I have supported my partners, with money or drugs, by doing this work before. It is my way of compensating, if what I do is to our mutual advantage. That way I can have a personal life and get some level of emotional intimacy like any 'normal' person. It may at times result in men taking the piss, asking for more than their share. If men have issues they may take it out on me, may at times despise what I do and despise me for it. Hence abuse. Greed, demanding a share of my income as their entitlement. Being spoke to like dirt, head games etc.

Men at times are like children, in my view. They don't know that I laugh at their macho shit as much as they laugh at me. I know my partner's friends laugh and joke about what I do, and I know he gets a male ego trip over it. The fact they are cocaine addicts on top of being men adds to it. Hence why the problem with Jimmy annoys me.....accepting abuse from a partner is one thing, accepting it from his mates is another, and a level I don't want to be on....they are going to know, and do already. I can console myself that the fact I, as a woman, look after the needs of my man does not make him big or more of a man as he likes to pretend in front of his mates. Deep down it makes him feel small, pathetic....as men are supposed to be breadwinners. Hence this stupid pimp mentality, which he knows is shit but sometimes plays up to in order to show off before his mates who know no better, and to console himself that he is a man after all. Women are property, assets. Women who are willing to support men in this way are often willing to accept abuse, or get used to it, which adds to the contempt of the men in our lives.

It is a shit situation but I keep strong. I allow him to get a slight ego trip if it makes him feel better at times, I know it aint easy (no pun intended). I draw my lines (no pun meant again!). Part of my reason for writing all this is to give people a view from the inside, from someone with some level of intelligence and awareness.....as I get sick of women in the sex industry being portrayed as hapless victims and the men as heartless ruthless exploiters. There are two sides, and I can see it from the side of the men. I just wish they would grow up at times.

To sum it up it is not that great doing as I do and having a man pressure me to do it, get more money, while at the same time appearing to hate me for doing what I will so he gets what he wants....but it can't be easy for him. He cannot like himself much, and the anger he sometimes expresses to me is transferred. He hates himself for sinking low as much as I sometimes despair of myself, asking how low I can go. I get sick of having to explain myself to people who have not lived my life, walked in my shoes. Nor have they in his. He said in a fit of anger the other night that he thought I was 'better than that' but have let myself and thus him down for sinking so low to support my addiction. He wanted to 'help' me, the fact we both had habits meant maybe we could help each other reduce them. It did not work out this way, we liked getting high together. I've helped him sniff his profit before, which is partly what makes him mad. Also the fact he's been generous with me makes him think why should I not help him financially, now he is in the shit? But then the way I help him in this way makes him upset and thus mad at me....it's a vicious circle. The macho shit is a front....I know he is insecure deep down and hurting. That's why all the jealousy, all the stupid games etc.

At least I can see what is happening, and I must make him see, I must get through to him. Perhaps giving him what I do is my way of trying to prove that my love of drugs and money do not outweigh the affection I feel for him....but how will he show me this? Perhaps by not ignoring me or treating me like dirt when I am short of money. I hope he sees. The difference is he makes the decision not to over analyse or he'd be unable to sleep at night. I do the analysing and thus I cannot sleep at night.

No comments:

Post a Comment