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Sunday, 31 January 2010

Shit, Shallowness Online, Psychosis...and Some Pics..

I said I would not write about this anymore...but.....I know it is stupid, as I am giving the man too much attention, and he isn't of interest to anyone other than me really. Sorry for more negativity, it will not be forever. I did link some more upbeat videos and write some more positive, self affirming stuff....I just need to release this.

I hoped some of my former posts may have been of interest merely on the basis of relationships, sexual politics....but being selfish as he is he already thinks this blog is 'all about him', just as everything has to be all about him, him, him all the time. He is so paranoid he thinks the fact I keep this blog could put him at risk....when it is anon, nobody knows who he is (or me for that matter). He kids himself he is better than all his friends, surrounds himself with men he believes to be of lower intelligence so he can look down. I've probably done him a disservice by feeding his already inflated ego. It is clear he is not mentally a well man. He kids himself that I am crazier than he is. He may be capable of brutal rationality, coldness, which perhaps in itself is a sickness, divorcing one's head from their emotions to that extent, sacrificing a woman he once loved because he believes it to be in the interests of his 'progress'. If I have held him back, he has held me back far, far, more, and he knows it. Perhaps he distances himself because he sees what damage, chaos he has caused, and can't bear to see it......then he'd be forced to have feelings. Right now he cannot afford them.

He admitted over Christmas he'd missed me....but he 'has to make money'. I've tried and tried to help him get off his feet and he is still broke. Perhaps he'll come back and be sorry when there is nobody else left to bail him out. Being abusive has not paid off.

Just found some crap advice on a shallow wittery blog about how to get over heartache....I won't bother linking it. Like it is that simple, I can do without being addressed like a moron, with saccharine sweet pictures, and told what is only common sense. Thing is I have trouble letting go.....I have thought it has been the end with people before and it hasn't. Even when I've felt it in my gut I've been wrong sometimes. Especially with a man like that who switches from affection to rage, love to hatred in such a short space of time......he changes his mind, has done from one day to the next as to whether he wants to be with me or not, whether I am a partner or a 'friend with benefits'. I knew he was capable of being cold and ruthless....but not to me, not this much. I don't make cold, cynical, detached decisions on whether or not to fall in love with someone....he can and does. He was rich once......not now, that is partly why he is so fucked up, the desperation to get out of poverty.

But how can someone say he is still your 'friend' if he has bled you like this and the relationship has been so turbulent? It feels like all is crumbling, and he is failing to do anything to help clear the damage he left........ a friend would be supportive, not heartless, cold, callous. I just can't get over it........the pain of thinking everything was going to be fine the beginning of last week, having him be warm to me again for the first time in ages....and two days later he wanted to kill me, hated me, called me dirt. Wanted to leave me for someone else.

I can see much of his sickness is drug related....he's done way too much of that shit for too long, it's bound to have an effect......Since having been with him I know way more about the dark side to coke, and the symptoms of psychosis than I did before.....I don't want to go insane. I won't....because it always comes to a point with me when I slow down, I have more self preservation than he gives me credit for.

I admit to not wanting to grow too old.....When my time is up I want to go the way some of my relatives did - quickly of a heart attack if possible. Going by my family history and what I indulge in that is not an unlikely end......what I don't want is a slow, painful death (I'd kill myself before it came to that) to die an untimely, violent death.....the kind of end he fears he will come to. Which he will if he continues how he has been....the amount of times I've worried about having a man dead in the gutter from stab or bullet wounds if he crosses the wrong motherfucker. His delusions of grandeur already make him think he is invincible, and I know he is not as 'on top' as he believes. I have heard him say what a great man he is, destined for greatness, and I have just said 'sure, hon, you are so clever etc' to stop him being insecure, because I know a lot of it is about insecurity deep down. He doesn't really like himself, despite his claims to the opposite. Overly inflated egos belong to men who are at heart insecure. Perhaps he hates me for the reason that I can see all this, and are cleverer than he gave me credit for at the beginning. He admits he thought I was stupid when we met, a dumb dizzy blonde who was stupid for being involved with an abusive partner.....he knows now I am not stupid. But then I wonder why he wanted to go out with me.....I would not want to go out with a man I believed to be stupid. Perhaps it is because stupid people are easier to control.....and a lot of it is about control. Some people cannot fathom why an intelligent woman does what I do......I should get some highly paid job, a degree, be normal.....I am worth better than selling sex to pay for my drug use. I agree to an extent....I don't want to sell sex forever, I have my own plans, hopes, dreams, which I would like to work. But what can I do when things are so desperate and I just want quick cash? Women who sell sex are not necessarily of low intelligence as many people believe them to be........they just generally have problems, a lot of which can be related to abuse. Nor is drug use or abuse a sign of stupidity.......look at some famous addicts or users or abusers and I rest my case. I get so sick of having to explain, justify myself to people who haven't walked in my shoes....but having to explain myself to a man who claims to love me and is as fucked up as me is the icing on the whole nasty cake of people being judgemental and shallow.

I've feared coming to a bad end, like some obsessive madwoman from Fatal Attraction or a similiar movie, because it gets hard to keep a lid on my emotions. I've never been up for boiling someone's pet rabbit or anything insane like that, but I know myself to be capable of destructive feelings. Especially when I feel wronged....

It's just the injustice of it.....I have to make him see he has a problem, have to catch him when he can see reason. To cast aside a woman who was your bedrock of support last week, who you 'would not know where you would be without' - to cast her aside for someone scummy indeed. I don't care for how long he was with his former is not her who has bailed him out in recent times like I have done, she has not risked her life and liberty like I have. I don't say this because I hate her or wish her harm.....I don't know her. It is not about her but about him. He has to know what he has done and is doing. Thing is I cannot fathom him out, I still don't know if he is truly capable of this or not. He has a rotten temper and changes his mind.......the life of his ex is so far removed from anything I have been through with him it might as well be on a different planet. I don't think it is a life he truly wants, he may well just be saying it because he knows it will hurt me, dig the knife in.

I will shut up about the whole sorry affair for now.........he has already had far too much attention. He used to say he didn't like me thinking or worrying about him...when he really does, he likes the attention as it empowers his ego all the more. Although he denies being a control freak he is really.....he has to be in control, all the time. To open to anyone emotionally and to show any weakness would mean loss of control...and we can't have that, can we?

I love that jerk and hate him too, I believe deep down he likes the fact he's been written about here. That's why even if things do patch up I will write less about him on here. If I was cold and rationalise I'd do the right thing and walk away from this mess....but I am neither cold nor rational. He has humiliated me because I have let that makes me ashamed. I can see why that may disgust him sometimes, the fact I have allowed myself to be debased....but it is not all my fault as he claims. If he really hates to see women debase themselves....he shouldn't play games that encourage them to do it, he wouldn't get off on videos of it if he really hated it so much.....

He once said about desperate, delusional men going to desperate lengths to maintain their delusions.....and the scary thing was he did not know he was speaking of himself.


  1. I can't say I know how you feel about some of the things yo have just blogged about. But even though I have a death wish, at my stable moments I still want to die before the age of 50, unstable moments it's a matter of weeks. My grandparents both died in Feb, so I think this would be a perfect time to bail out. I'd rather go peacefully in an overdose but Ive been consuming so much of my stockpile that it's become impossible. I think about another man killing me, as working the streets is a dangerous game. I don't know how it's going to happen but I do kow it will. You are so very intelligent that I think the future holds something wonderfu for you! Thinking of you x

  2. Thank you so much....I hope things do get better, I hope the future sees an improvement.

    Saw him earlier...bloody cheek, he told me doing what he does would not work cos I have 'no discipline' - underestimating me again! - and he would not want me to go to jail - but is working on the streets safer - no - it could result in killing me - and jail is better than death if I must take risks breaking the law in some way. Even working indoors is dangerous - seeing men I don't know - and I don't want a violent untimely death like that. When I go it is either to be of a heart attack or of an overdose when I am getting too old - not at the hands of some madman.

    I had a bad experience from some alcohol last night - of which I shall shortly blog about. Take care xx