Thank you indeed, you were 'blind with other things on your mind'!
This is a very long post....but I have had to get this out of my system. It will be the last post devoted to him...and he already things this blog is 'all about him', like everything else is all about him, always about him, never about me or 'us' even....the most selfish man I have been out with. He cannot see this, his facilties for self reflection are almost non existent at present and there are few means of communicating, letting him know what he has done....I am hurting at the moment and there are two sides to this man.....just the dark one has taken over as far as I am concerned......
Oh God, I am hurting..........why have I given so much to someone who seems to hate me now? At least I've had the consolation of getting high. I said I'd have a day off tomorrow, but if my misery remains I will probably want to again if I earn any money. It aint easy if I am hurting.
Followers of this blog have probably noticed that I haven't said much in my last few posts about the man I've been financially supporting, and trying my damned best to emotionally support. I've given my all.....and it aint been enough. I avoided the subject because I did not know where I stood. I have to release it....I must.
Fuck it, I would never have started this stupid work had I known it would cost me a personal life....face it, not many guys would be happy with what I do. I only did it partly to 'help my nose' - as he so charmingly put it. The other reason was to help him out as he was as skint as me. He was not mean in the beginning. Now I get called a 'piece of dirt', 'filthy coke whore'....for doing only what he has encouraged me to. I now want out, I want to stop that work. It is not unrelated to the abuse he has given me - he uses what I do as a weapon against me. According to him the social stigma I get will stop any decent man from ever having me.......I should have counted myself lucky as some men would take every penny off me and be physically violent on top. He wanted to 'help me' in the beginning.....I do not enter relationships asking men to save me from myself. My ex said the same thing - not seeing I was fine as I was and did not require his 'help' -which was no help.
Those men have reduced me to feeling like dirt, nothing, an object. It is not my clients but the men in my life who have caused me to have the 'look of stone' in my eyes - hardened, cold, used. I don't want head games, lies, jealousy, verbal and mental violence....I was sick of it last year....did I ask for more? He thinks that women who are abused secretly enjoy it, are masochists....that is not true, I have not been enjoying it. It makes me need to get high to numb my emotional pain. But I cannot pass all the blame to him or the man before him.......it is something in me as well. Agreeing to do that work, suggesting it, was a big mistake. I should have continued in the phone sex work, and if I ever got a request for a meeting limited it to once or twice a week....if at all!
Darling little Jason now claims he wishes to go straight and return to his ex wife, be a 'family guy' again, be normal. He doesn't seem to care about the train wreck he leaves behind if he returns to the angel in the house who he's put on a pedestal to hurt me, play with my head......damn it all to hell. I am now stuck in a job he has made me hate. Well, if he truly means every word of that he can at least compensate me by giving me his former business and contacts.....he owes at least something to the girl whose so called 'precious heart' is breaking and turning into stone. Being normal, straight is not at present an option to me....and I never want to be completely straight. Losing one of the loves of my life is rotten enough....I want to keep the other, I want to keep my fucking loser dust. Despite the fact it costs me it at least gives me something back.....it makes me feel good. All he has given me lately is pain, and I've given him everything I can. Not enough - I asked what more can I do, what more does he want? A million pounds and a yacht, he said. That man's love of money is turning him into a monster.
It is tragic in a way, and this is a requiem for a dream. I am growing cold, no emotion. I have been asked to fade quietly, as if. A man cannot take everything and leave me with nothing - especially when he's had the nerve to rely on me financially. He did not ask the angel in the house for any money to bail him out - he asked the 'piece of dirt', the 'coke whore'. The 'piece of dirt' obliged.
The fact is I do not hate selling sex in and of itself....it may not be ideal fun, but it pays and is a means to end. On good days it is easy money.....him and his fucking mates say they would do it were there a market for women buying sex....why am I condemned for doing what they say they would do if they could? I've been subject to the sneers of my smackhead mate for being a 'filthy whore'....I don't care for what she thinks, her who hates whores because she is jealous, she would like the money for her stinking smack habit if she only had the guts.....but the condemnation of a man who once claimed to love me is too much. I have not been willing to do this at the expense of my personal life......but according to him all I care about is powdering my nose, I am vicious, manipulative, a predatory parasitic woman only out to use men (including him) for what I can get out of them. I would ditch him immediately if I found a man with more gear....everything about me, my hopes, dreams, can be reduced to bags of coke. Maybe I should become like that....my ex said it about me as well. True, I like to get high....why does that make me a foul person and a dirtbag by nature? If anything it's the opposite, I like to go up or down because I am very emotional, I feel too much. But my loser dust may be all I have left now......in which case I'll cling onto it, I have nothing left to lose.
Being stuck in this job may make a happy ending unlikely. Not that if he is truly going I will want another man right away....I will need some time alone to reflect. I came accross him at the same time I was breaking from my ex....it was probably too soon. I loved him, for ages I had not a bad word to say about him......I kept mum, spoke to nobody because I believed it was me with the problem, not him. I now see there are two sides to it, and it is not fair I shoulder all the blame. How could a man with a bigger habit than me 'help me' overcome addictive tendencies, especially when he was so generous in the beginning, throwing dust at me like there was no tomorrow in that little white honeymoon? It is unjust saying he must keep away from me because he wants to 'progress' and I 'hold him back' and his efforts to help me were in vain? It is not right. I did so much for that man.......I let him use my place as a stash spot, I took so many risks, I gave so much....and this is my thanks. I allowed men in my home who subjected me to abuse, he did not seem to care.
I have done my best to make allowances, telling myself what I do can't be easy for him....and I know that he lives a stressful turbulent life. I know he has issues with money, debts, some of which are to criminals. I know I go on and talk too much.....but this is my only crime. How can I be upbeat, positive, keep giving all, being emotionally supportive while I myself have problems? Why am I expected to be understanding, patient etc with his problems while he has no understanding or patience with mine? And does he not realise he has given me problems I did not have before? He once recognised my habit increased since he knew me..........and I told him not to worry, it was my choice, my responsibility to go on that little bender. I have suffered in silence and despair, waiting on him while he is out with his boys, crying, rattling alone. He has brought aggressive men into my life I did not invite there. I have gone to endless lengths to prove I am not out to stab him in the back, and to prove my 'loyalty'....I still get told I only care for my dust.
The thing is....I do not hate myself for doing drugs...he does hate himself for that reason. He hankers after normality sometimes while I make no pretence to...and deep down he does not want normality either. He admits it when he is honest, but he is not always honest. If he feels like dirt why the need to project it on me? These are rhetorical questions....I know the answers. It is easy to be one's mirror, especially if it is covered in fucking dust. I am not one of those addicts who claims to hate drugs, that they are evil, claiming they have 'ruined my life' as if I had no choice in the matter! I admit to taking drugs because I like them - not because they have 'got me'. If I am weak and let substances control me....the issue is my psychological state, not the fault of the drugs. It is true they are not for people who are slaves to one's desires, and I at times can be. But not all the time, I've used before without the need for a permanent bender....I use drugs because I choose do, they have done me good as well as harm, inspiring me at times to be creative. Uppers are more conducive to productivity than downers....which is why I don't like downers on their own, including alcohol. Downers may relax me but they fuck up my writing, guitar playing because I nod off. While drugs may have brought out the worst in me at times they have also brought out the best....something he cannot get. He cannot get my lack of repentance, if I was a repentant whore, repentant junkie it would be different.
I accept the fact I will always need to medicate, self or otherwise. I don't feel right otherwise....I feel more myself, better with drugs than without...the only way around this is to eventually be able to simply relax in the weekdays with tablets, do a gram once a week and a couple weekends. But before I reach this stage I must get over my emotional grief, this rotten feeling. If getting over it means a bit of a bender so be it......it is my way of dealing with things.
I suspect he may be lying about wishing to go straight, as he has lied to me before. He said he would not give me his contacts as there is not much work.....if he really wants to give it all up what would be the problem in giving them to me? I'll pull him on this. I am not as dumb as he thinks. If he only loved my 'potential' he can rot.....I said many times I want to be loved as I am, he said he did. My ex loved me for my potential as well. They can't make me over, my identity is one thing I will not sacrifice for any man. They can take everything else....but not that. He once suggested I give up my junkie rock chick/groupie imagine and turn myself over to look like a porn star/Barbie doll because he likes it better and so would customers.....I refused. This man has clearly kept a track record of my alleged wrongs. His generosity with gear and all has not been forgotten, he made sure I would pay, and pay I have in more ways than one. I have paid emotionally as well as financially, but not enough, whatever I give is never enough, my soul is would not be enough. He would not seriously hurt me.....but he has threatened to. I don't believe him so you need not fear, knowing him as I do I recognise it to be just talk.
I am an 'emotional leech' who drains him, sucks him dry, a 'deadweight' around his neck, a predatory woman who was only ever after him for what I could get out of him.....despite the fact I have given more than I have ever received from him. Allegedly, women prior to me had 'used him for what they could get' and had 'cost him money' - and I am the one who has to pay for their real or alleged crimes, it seems. If he really wanted a victim why didn't he pick somebody who actually deserved it, a woman who truly was predatory, manipulative, cold etc? Perhaps because such a woman would not allow herself to be treated this way....
I hate being in the victim role again....it sucks and it is not one I consciously choose, I just seem to fall into it, as do a lot of women who get involved time and time again with men who become abusive. I accept my responsibility - I know he has only done what I have let him. But I refuse to take 100% of the blame for all that has gone wrong in this relationship....which is only a relationship when he feels like it anyway, being the kind of man who can only have a relationship if it is all on his terms. He has played with my head this way something rotten.....when he is in a good mood he has been my boyfriend etc.....in a bad mood he has been a 'single man' and a 'free agent'. He complained recently of having all the 'disadvantages of a relationship without the advantages' when I dared to complain about being treated like scum. I told him my friends are not impressed having witnessed how he treats me.....he said he doesn't care and does what the hell he likes. I am asked not to 'paint him black into something he is not, to portray him a being a bastard when he is really a nice man'........I only tell the truth, I make nothing up and do not claim to be perfect myself. I have my limits. If he has to be a scumbag I must face the sad truth that I may be better without him, and his bloody ex is welcome to him, if anything she deserves my pity rather than my jealousy and hatred.
The truth is he has wanted the benefits of a relationship without the disadvantages....which is asking for the impossible, no man can have his cake and eat it but a lot of them seem to want to......men who are inclined that way must learn that women are more clued up than that these days and will not take it, I already have accepted too much...brushed it off with a smile when he called me 'his property' once, assuming he was joking although he had a straight face, and have had to deal with him 'joking' about selling me to his friends or to other men, like I am an object to be discarded at whim. I don't care if he is joking.....it is not funny in the slightest.
If he thinks we are 'friends'....I cannot be his friend. It will hurt me to even see him after all that's happened.....and besides, my friends do not go through my phone and delete numbers they do not wish me to have - such as the numbers of guys who have what he has so I have no other way to obtain what I want but through him so I remain dependent. I do not support my friends financially nor cut them spare sets of keys each to my apartment....I did this because I thought we were together. If he is such a good 'friend' he can let me keep on loan the phone he gave me til I replace my own. I believed it was his mate Alex who stole my old sim card....I now suspect it was him. I fell out with his mate Jimmy because I had been 'stressing' poor Jason....I patched things with him only to again this evening stir things because my man or ex man could not face me alone, had to hide behind his mate. I told him to come here alone to give me an explantion, he will, as it aint his mate's problem. He has his mate for support because he is 'not well' and 'stressed...I have to live in the place he turned into a dumping ground for his excess belongings on my own. I am unwell and stressed...there is nobody to catch me. I have nobody but myself to fall back on, and he knows that.
It is fine him lecturing me to be 'stronger within' when I don't have the people he has to fall back on. I have friends, but they have their own problems, and my family are screwed up. I have an idea of what it is he has that commands loyalty, and it is something that may not always be relied upon. I am atomised and he knew that. He says he cannot deal with my 'negativity'...my ex did not like my alleged 'negativity' either.....like I am supposed to happy and positive in the face of all this? He, on the other hand, is a 'happy and likeable man' and he only acts like a monster now because I am an evil bitch who has made him into one. I know it is not true, my friends who know and love me know it is not true....I won't believe it, I know what he is doing. It is projection again, ensuring I and only I take the blame while his behaviour is not questionable.....it is 'nagging' to question his behaviour. I am supposed to have taken on the role of his punchbag while at the same time being a bedrock of both emotional and financial support....I cannot do both. I may not be perfect, far from it.....but I don't deserve this. If anyone has been 'ruined' it is not him....six months ago I was having a good time, upbeat, partying, enjoying my music and getting high to have fun. I loved my life then, I had a 'lust for life' and not death. I hate the life I have been living recently...to chill and party a bit with a couple of mates last night was a break from the storm, it has been a refreshing break when the man I fell in love with re-emerges and spends some time with me too....but those times have become fewer and further between. I may have to face the fact they may not exist at all for much longer.....if indeed ever again. He might have gone, Mr Hyde may have replaced Dr Jekyll for good...in which case I will have to grieve, for the second time in the space of eight months, for the loss of an illusion, for the loss of a man who never truly existed. It is too much........
It may be over, if there ever was anything, if he ever had any true affection for me, which at the time I did not doubt....any more than I doubted his professed fears about getting too close to anyone lest he got hurt, and anyway his financial problems meant he could not get 'starry eyed' for anybody. He did not 'fall in love with me' because to his own admittance he did not allow himself to, used his 'cut off switch'.....although he did at the same time 'love me to bits'. A confused fucked up man who I felt for and still do, even as the good side of him dissapears and fades.........while I take the blame for making it dissapear, through no crime I can put my finger on. It is easy to fall into the trap of believing I have done something wrong, as he wants me to think, but according to him it is 'my persona', just who I am in general, I have a 'horrible effect' on everyone I come in contact with and 'everyone hates me' etc. The only people who seem to hate me so are abusive misogynistic men.....nobody else 'hates' me with such a passion. My ex said that everyone who came in contact with me 'knew I was insane'. Verbal and mental abuse hurt more.....at times I'd prefer it if they just hit me and got it over with. Mental scars fade less quickly than physical.....
The sexual role play dom sub games.......Jason could be genuinely affectionate with me, but when it came to actual sex he could only seem to get excited by pulling my hair and calling me names like a filthy slut. He insisted that he did not mean it, that it was only a game and I must never believe he truly meant it. I now suspect he did mean it all the time, that enjoying sex, in his view, did make me a 'filthy slut'. I don't like it when those kind of games turn into actual, real abuse. I told him once that maybe there should be a code word, as sometimes I never knew what he meant and did not mean, what was for real and what was a game. I told him that if it was all a game I wanted it to stop, he responded that it would only stop when he wanted it to. This is the man who I was praising six months ago for helping me leave an abusive relationship. I can blame myself, blame it on the work, money, drugs etc. But I think it goes deeper, something that he doesn't want to see. He can't see how angry he is, specifically towards women. He gets off on porn that involves women being humiliated and used, and he cannot allow a woman to get on top because it makes him feel 'less of a man' and because he likes to be in control and dominate.
I am submissive and confess my attraction to men who are dominate with streaks of danger and perhaps even misogyny, and get excited by dom/sub games. Somebody told me this is a valid form of sexuality......but a dangerous one. Too right it is dangerous. It can be so than any drug (with the exception of perhaps excessive use of crack or smack). I won't let it kill me, my element of self preservation is too strong, but in a strange way self preservation can be tied in with self destruction. I have unhealthy, parasitic relationships with men.....but I've never known any different. I am not attracted to 'nice' men......I find them boring. So in a sense I do make my bed, I do 'ask for it' and set myself up for it, as he is oh so keen to remind me. But when it gets like this I hate it.......and an abusive man wanting the relationship to end, despite other people saying I would be better without him in my life, is the icing on the cake, it feels like a final slap in the face adding insult to injury. This is what people don't always get.....it is more than fear which keeps women in abusive relationships. Perhaps after having invested so much in a relationship and having suffered so much, it is hard to accept you may have lost. After making so many sacrifices, especially if someone has cost you financially as well as emotionally. Men who are inclined to be abusive play games that involve making women degrade or debase themselves.....then claim they despise women for going along with it! Yet the price for not playing it would be witholding money, sex, affection, drugs, whatever it be....damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I've wondered if men like this can ever change, as being abusive is not a part of one's character but a behaviour one can stop if they want.....but they don't change often because it is not in their immediate interest to do so. Men gain some things from behaving abusively.....so why should they change? There is not much motivation to really.
All this spiralled over something so mundane and pathetic.....we had a nice evening at the beginning of the week, I thought everything was alright. A night later he left after he got the money he needed.....he used to almost live here, told me he was 'coming home' when I called him while out drinking with the lads. I paid for our gear, out of my earnings....that night he left me with one gram and caned three on his own. When I questioned him he said it was 'his money' - it wouldn't have been his money if not for my good nature. I called his work phone and a woman answered. I was not nasty....I just questioned why she had his phone. It turned out there was a business deal with her.....but she still should not have had that phone anyway, if anyone was to take those calls it should have been me, I've been involved in that shit deal for longer and was supposed to be his girlfriend....she went all neurotic and said it was not her job to answer his phone, and she was not feeling right about the deal anyway. I told her neither was I. She said she was not involved in it because she wanted my man, she just wanted work. I said fair enough....but she had to tell him I'd had a go at her, spoke threateningly etc. I don't know exactly what she said but I want to know....because I got in the shit. He screamed blue murder at me on the phone, saying he hates me, wishes I was dead, I am a piece of dirt who he hates the sight, smell, sound, look of......and his business was ruined thanks to me. I was reduced to pleading with him for compassion.....he frightened me. It has been the second time in a year I have grown afraid of a man I loved and once claimed to love me.......it is a rotten place to find myself in again.
Things then spiralled when a former friend of his decided to get involved.....and it all got mad, nasty. I was told I needed protecting from the man who once claimed to want to protect me.....from the potential abuse of other men.
I managed to reason with Jason eventually, and I gave myself a false sense of security when he was nice to me and promised to come over for a talk and some time, asked me for a hug, said he was sorry etc. He wasn't for long......it seems the fact he had a bad day today meant I was again on the scrap. He should have made that clear...bloody telling me today we have 'nothing to talk about' alone. We are not 'friends', whatever it is we are we are not that. My friends do not hurt me like this....Earlier on he decided to bait me by talking flirtasiously with a woman on the phone......who I suspect was the same one I spoke with. He has flirted with other women in front of me before....the man who gets jealous if I have male friends over, and thinks me even talking to another man means I must want to shag him, who has questioned me about whether or not I ever get any enjoyment from clients.....and if I ever do would it make me unfaithful etc. He is coming over in the morning and I am demanding an explanation, the one which so far has not been forthcoming...he bottled out tonight but cannot do so forever...I won't let him do this to me. He has a nice, reasonable, side........I want to appeal to his remnants of humanity, do so not in the grovelling, tearful way that makes him despise me all the more but in the calm, reasoned manner that makes him listen.
I hope some people understand how difficult this is for me, and why walking away and taking it on the chin, or as I would a failed investment, is not as simple as it sounds. Those who have followed this blog would see I have not painted him as a total monster.....most of my posts concerning him have been analysing, figuring out why he does it etc. I've heard it is not uncommon for women to do this. It does not mean abused women are stupid, as abusive men like to think and often say. If anything it can be the opposite, being relatively intelligent will make you more likely to over analyse and give you more patience than you would have if you did not think so much. I would say some of the conclusions I have come to have some genuine insight into the dynamics of it, which has partly been why I written it, besides the purpose of offloading. But there is a downside...analysing can also make you more likely to make allowances and be forgiving, too forgiving.
He told me last Monday that I was the only person he could rely on totally (not the ex who he now claims to want to return to) and could not express how much he appreciated me, he said in such a nice way and it gave me such a sense of security thinking everything would be allright. The following day I was a 'piece of dirt' who he despised, hated, loathed and who he felt he could kill. I have gone from being his bedrock of support to being the scarlet woman who is responsible for ruining him. Bear in mind that he had issues long before he met me, the same problems he faces now with money and drugs. It is just easier to blame and transfer your issues onto somebody else.....and who easier than the person who has been closest to you?
In times of honesty he's admitted it is not just me, he has been like this with all women he has had relationships with......if I truly have outlived my use and he wants to go back to the woman he was with before the changed man, the 'family guy' etc will not last long...if she has any sense she'll know that too. Soon he'll be getting high again, staying away for weeks, out with his mates, being unfaithful etc and then she'll be the one crying as I cry now. I say this out of no malice, although I confess I have mixed feelings I dont know the woman so how can I like or dislike her? He's just used her as a stick to beat me with, some unnattainable ideal I can never live up to because my past has already made me 'damaged goods'.
I just wish he'd let me be.....because we were friends once, now we cannot be. The likeable and friendly man I knew then would've remained, I would not have seen his dark side. It would have saved me a lot of pain......I didn't chase after him at the beginning, he wanted me. He used to make the first move sexually and otherwise. Once he knew he 'had me' his interest waned and he started ignoring for days unless he wanted something.....or his affection returned after a spell apart, and he would say he missed me etc. He started speaking to me like dirt when he knew I loved him, he didn't always. He said he would hurt any man who abused me....now he is being abusive. I should never have been so weak....I should have hid my affection, wearing my heart on my sleeve gets me into so much trouble and is perceived by men as being a weakness. But I am upfront because I hate to play games, I don't want my relationships to be based on manipulation and deceit....but it seems he wants his to be. He was once desperate for sex or affection from me....now he thinks I should be grateful if he condescends to spend one night a week with me, and is doing me a favour by shagging me. In fact, doing me a favour by gracing me with his presence even. It was once the other way round, he could not get enough of seeing me once. I haven't changed but he has. Or perhaps he was never happy with the way I was, perhaps he hoped I would become something I wasn't to please him. Perhaps my expression of my own needs as an individual is what he cannot hack and why he is so dissapointed in me. There is nothing I can put my finger on as to what exactly I have done or failed to do....and the answer could be simply the fact I have loved him. In which case it is not me with the problem....a man who is incapable of accepting or giving love has issues which only therapy can deal with. But that won't be much use if he won't admit he has a problem, and he doesn't want to admit that.
He did spend money on me in the beginning- which he has obviously since wanted back and gotten most of it back, hence his claims that the money I've spent on him to help him out of the shit is only what I owe him anyway. That was not the deal......I thought he was being kind and generous. What kind of a man, for example, takes a woman out for expensive meals at the beginning of a relationship then asks her to pay the money back when things go sour? Especially by the means I have used to obtain that money and all. He is being mean, miserly, horrible......I never knew he had this in him. His love of money is clearly outweighing his humanity and the love he once had for me, it is awful to watch a man you love being consumed by hatred, anger and greed, pure greed. If the money thing had not caused me such emotional pain as well as leaving me financially broke myself I wouldn't talk about it, but it has.
His heart does not 'belong to his ex' as he once horribly said to me - it belongs to his wallet. When he accuses me of being only in love with bags of dust he is projecting, assuming I am as shallow and as materialistic as he can sometimes be....I saw he had this tendency but it had not overtaken him the way it has now.
Where has his heart gone, and did he ever have one? I am 'selfish' now if I do not put his interests before mine all the time, if I do not surpress ALL my own emotional needs in order to cater to his. He used to tell me to think of myself, not to worry about him and think of him so much. Will he remember how it used to be?
Despite the fact he has hurt me more than anyone else has ever done, I still wish he wouldn't go. I perhaps feel a sense of injustice because under the circumstances it should be me and not him saying I want to walk away, that I want out of this fucked up situation. I should not be crying and pleading with him to stay. I have done nothing to make him hate me so, why does he hate me, what have I ever done to him? I wish he would tell me that. I hate living in fear of either a man's anger or his abandonment. In the beginning he used to plead with me to stay with him, he was deeply insecure and felt threatened that I would leave him for another man. I haven't done that, I've proved my loyalty....only to earn his hatred and contempt rather than his love. Perhaps his hatred of me is a projection of his hatred of himself....he once said looking at me is for him at times like looking in the mirror....and he dislikes what he sees, hates it at times.
I am fighting a losing battle, and being a bad loser, not being able to accept defeat and walk away.