Found a new blog today I linked to.....from a girl a bit like me, whose life revolves round sex, drugs and music, as mine does. She also posts videos that sum up her mood, see the link on my blogroll. Searching for some other kindred spirits.
All I can say is all I want now is to get high and the situation is desperate, I am expecting a cheque from my parents in the morning, who are not rich but able to help at times. I blew a lot of money they gave me before on drugs, and I feel awful....But hell, I am hungry now too.
What can I do though? I must first get some food and pay some of my tax to keep the bailiffs away. And then......even if I did tell my man I have the money, he has no coke, fucking none, and is being so foul to me because he feels as rotten as I do....I am starting to doubt that cocaine is not physically addictive else why do I feel ill as well as fucked in the head? I don't have immediate access to another dealer, and paying 50 quid for a gram of crap gear will do fuck all.........Don't know what to do. Hope to hell I get some more guys call tomorrow. Pls, ffs, pls.
I should have fucking gone on the strip tonight, despite being ill and the cold weather. I should have tried harder the last few days, then the pair of us fuck ups could have what we want. A bit of C right now would make my world look bright again.
At least I managed to strum a bit today on my guitar, only positive thing. Only thing that preserves at least part of my sanity. Oh damn it to hell.
I still owe that little mf so much from Xmas, bloody stupid of me not to write the exact amount down. And of course he wants his commission anyway from anything I get on the phone (the strip is normally resorted to in order to consolidate debts, so he can pay back these guys what we've both stuck up our noses so he can rescore). If he was not so desperate, broke and dying for more gear (and bloody crazy) he would not ask me to go on the strip. But the least he could do would be to watch my back or to come stay so we could help each other through this. He doesn't even do that, he keeps himself away along with his gear to punish me for owing him. He never used to be so greedy and demanding, but he has got hard up and more desperate.
Six months ago I got high at weekends to have fun. My head at the time was not in a good state cos I had let a brute into my life, a psycho pothead who terrorised me and drove me out of my own home and claimed me as his fucking property. My current man befriended me and helped me end that relationship, we had a great time getting high in the summer, great sex with the extra ingredient of you know what, and a pair of screw ups who really connected. I went partying each weekend. But he was a bad addict with a big habit, I was just developing a problem. My consumption could not catch up with his, I was not a dealer. But I tried my best, and he was generous then dishing a lot out free.
Now I rarely party - it felt so good early last week when my friend and I went out and I had two grams, several beers, and pole danced in a gay bar, knowing we would both be safe from unwanted male attention. Now most of my life is spent in my shitty apartment I now hate, too much has happened here. I wait for guys to call me, and go on the strip when I can. But it is easier when I am high - when I am down and feeling like shit, no food as well as no drugs or booze it becomes intolerable. Partying is a luxury - the necessity is to get high to escape from my wretched stupid existence. I can't carry on like this and am no fucking martyr, God forbid. If there is still nothing by tomorrow I don't know..........I have to get some more cash, I must.
No sex since Xmas, no coke since last week, no more valium either (and the fact I'd neglected my music drove me close to insane, at least I managed that today...I'll try to get some of tomorrow diazes at least in the morn because I am stressed to bits, and the other people on my back for money, including the landlord, add to it all, my own self inflicted mess, junkie hell I have once again returned to........
I know what I want. I don't like being an addict, but the hell of my situation (created by over consumption and excess) drives me to the point of needing to escape.
I cannot work under pressure, or at least not well. Nor can I work well sick. I am expected to do both and have no choice but to if I am not going to fall apart and if I am to stop him going to pieces. Life sucks, it fucking sucks. But I did not want to die, and still do not. Nor do I want the stark choice that some well meaning individuals give me between death or total teetotalitarianist twelve stepping goosestepping 'sobriety', 'abstinence', 'cleanness' etc - they can fuck right off trying to tell me I can never get high ever again. I have used weekends before and believe I can again, I've suffered 5 days of stress, threats, illness, and still pretending everything is alright to strangers etc, 'faking it til I am beyond fake'. I need to clear up this mess and my head up, but first give me the consolation of some escape from this fucking shit.
Enjoying getting high and liking men does not mean I deserve all this? I asked for the C, but not for these violent men who I fear one day might put me to an end with their beloved guns or knives. I never asked for violence but it has found me or threatens me with it's presence. Coke addiction brings this due to the high price of that shit, which is again down to the blasted drug laws that could kill me and are killing millions with the violence they bring. Inviting a dealer into my life seems to have brought the violence associated with the trade into my life. I have done coke before without all this associated shit as a daily presence in my existence.
Fuck the laws that turn us into criminals when we don't want to be. I will fight them, even if I can fight nothing else, to my dying day.
4 years ago