Where are these philanthropists when you need them? I spoke to women's aid helpline last night and they had no sympathy after I admitted to being a cocaine addict and a prostitute - they said all they could do was give me the address of a refuge for junkie whores who want out - like I want to be reduced to homelessness! They asked what did I want them to do then - all I wanted was someone to talk to, I said. I would not have bothered them had it not been the fact the local outreach workers could not be contacted due to them never answering their phone. I need advice re: accomodation because I am afraid to continue living here due to the violent crims my man associates with. They said to go visit their drop in, that's all they can do, but if they cannot even be arsed to answer their phone.......
Fuck them all, fuck them. As Karl Marx once said the emancipation of the working classes must come from the class itself (not by philanthropists) so be it for sex workers. Any outreach program must be run by women in that industry, not by middle class women paid by the NHS, the State etc. I don't know who works for women's aid, but the judgemental woman on the phone earlier sounded posh which should sum it all up. I sound posh, which probably exasperates these types further, as they think....what is an 'educated' woman doing on this level, selling herself for a fucked up car salesman and his bags of dust? The local outreach workers are paid by the State....and don't do their job and answer the damn phone!
They and their snobbery can rot. My parents crawled up from the gutter. The fact my father was abused as a child gave me an abusive childhood - which partly explains why I am a fuck up.
Meanwhile, philanthropy is dead (as if it ever has been alive - the philanthropy of the Victorians came at a cost). The 'deserving' and the 'undeserving' poor. If I was an 'innocent' middle class woman battered by a husband who works in a bank I'd have gotten sympathy. A sex worker with a dope peddler for a man gets no sympathy - I am scum of the earth much as he is. Unless I'd been contrite or sounded contrite....banged on about how much I wished to mend my fallen nature.....then this volunteer (philanthropists are not paid, it is all from the goodness of their bleeding liberal hearts and middle class guilt) would have shown some compassion. But no, I have a 'bad attitude' which makes me 'undeserving' of their stupid philanthropy (which all they could offer was some Victorian type shelter for 'fallen women' anyway - we are unfit to stay in the same accomodation with 'decent' women - lovely - seperate shelters for wives and whores). Women can be more judgemental at times than men (who create all this to begin with) so is it catfights they fear? Or plain simple snobbery?
Whatever, I care no more. Hopefully Jason will be round later with some explaining, and with what he promised yesterday. I can't go on under what feels like bonded labour to this man, I cannot.
What I do for a living is not the point, nor is what I choose to put into my own body. If I want to get high or chill it's up to me. Also up to me how I make ends meet at the end of the day. It may not be ideal, but I do what I must to get by - and the nature of my problems makes it hard for me to settle into a regular job. The crux of the matter is that I don't want to live in fear - either from Jason or his violent pals. I don't want male violence, abuse, extortion etc.
That man should stop and think. When I knew him first he had nothing - he was kipping on someone's couch, with a habit to support. He was a lonely man, who was paying for sex (in money or in drugs) after the break from his wife. I felt for him - he'd still have no car and might be unable to pay his rent etc. I've bailed him out so much, saved his neck so many times. He should start to show some appreciation. But if the shit treatment continues I'll walk away, decide my man aint worth the hassle, heartache etc. But it'll be a loss to him, and he knows. Let's see if he lets me go or if he acts as a pimp does.
4 years ago