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Tuesday, 12 January 2010

The Other Side to All This.

I feel relieved, better. I reached an understanding with Jason and feel we now understand each other. I don't know if I dream, but in a sense I feel we understand each other a bit better than I have done with men in my other fucked up relationships. I know this situation is not normal, but despite all I've said, all my melodrama, I know he cares and feel we have a connection not everyone understands, even if he is not 'in love' with me - you can 'love' someone without being 'in love' with them, so to speak. That's why I plead with people not to see in black and white, and judge what they do not understand. Life is more complex than portraying men as aggressors and women as victims, especially when it is down to what they do for a living. The involvement of money and drugs in any relationship complicates things - we just get judged because what we do is not legit.

He thinks like a businessman and has an emotional 'cut off' switch - to use his own terms. This is due to what he does, the danger of it, he feels he must for his own self preservation. He is the type of man who feels he must, even if it be coldly and ruthlessly, protect his own interests (and secondly I guess those of immediate family like mother, children). He was frightened, paranoid I might either stitch or hurt him emotionally. He has, despite his fondness for me and attraction to me, not gotten besotted with me because he has chosen not to. Such a cut off switch, seperating one's mind from emotions and letting the logical mind rule, is a thing men, in my experience, are better at doing than women are. This makes some men - some more than others - appear cold. Women can do it too, but less frequently. I have found it hard to do, and my attempts let me down. I do not choose to fall in love with men, sometimes I tell myself not to. When I met him I was leaving an abusive relationship and did not intend to entangle myself with another man. But I lack the ability to maintain emotional distance from men I sleep with consistently. I do not enjoy one night stands - this is why my work means nothing, I get no enjoyment from men I see for money. To relax I have to develop some emotional attachment - and this is how it develops. A man can enjoy himself with me while maintaining a distance I cannot - one reason why I think men generally enjoy casual sex more than women. Many men would love to get paid for sex, shag loads of women etc, while being a sex worker is not so easy for women.

Men can keep an emotional distance from me by their own choice, or bond with me by choice. If they show moments of opening up, letting me in etc they can cut off or switch off if they choose to. I lack the mechanism to do this, or use my heart rather than my head, emotions overrule logic.

It is sad but true. A pulp novelist, speaking of fictitious characters (a woman and a man doing what we do) said that had this pair met under different circumstances things may have been different. To be blunt, the woman sold sex for a living and the man was her agent/minder/pimp, whatever one may call such a man. He may have been a ruthless cold businessman, but he had feelings for her, believe or not men who live that way do have feelings for the women they live off at least some of the time, to some of the women. She was the one who had been there longest. I am falling into that role, and maybe set myself up that way. It's been what I chose to an extent. Jason thought of exploiting me financially, coldly, when he met me. He had the decency to admit that. He later thought better of it and thought I deserved better, thinking I could control my addiction while helping him deal with his - we could help each other. He had plenty of money making schemes, which did not involve me selling sex.

Things did not work this way. Our habits did spiral, we hindered rather than helped each other. His habit stayed the same, mine caught up with his. I'd suggested doing what I had done before, it was instant cash etc. It was not something he encouraged, but then after a while when times got desperate he did agree and helped me do that in return he'd get a payback. A deal I agreed to. I feared this would cause tensions - we needed the money, he said, don't worry. So it is. He once said that if I began doing that again he would not want to sleep with me anymore - he still does so it should prove to me something, so he said. That I do mean something, in spite of his apparent coldness.

I know it is not normal, but I can never be totally normal, we both know that. And I don't even want to be totally normal. The ideal of happy husband, happy wife etc cannot be for me. A sacrifice I long ago subconsciously made to maintain the edge in my life of danger, excitement, my ups and downs etc. Nobody can totally understand lest they've been here. Even if I did decide to be square (and I am making no such decision) my past will always catch up with me. Life (and people) are not as forgiving as one might assume. Let anyone live my life and try normality - I have tried. I tried a regular job, led a relatively 'normal' life with a relatively 'normal' middle class man I'll call Andy. I was rejected, scorned by his posh family when they saw I was slightly mad, enquired about my past. He left me. I was left with no place to live, heartbroken. I returned not long after to life as I knew it not long before my miserable attempts at semi normality again failed.....I tried again and failed when I hooked up with a jerk who abusively used my past as a weapon against me. I made the conscious decision to live life on my own terms and damn normality. The guy tried pressure me into marriage, kids, etc, among other things (being a carbon copy of him). He tried to force me not to take 'hard drugs' and smoke cannabis - which freaks me. He dictated my tastes in music, clothes, everything. He was a sociopath who beat me physically, mentally, emotionally. The life I have now, despite it's faults, is better than that I have then. Being the age I am I have had to tell the posh friends I had in London when I was with Andy to get the hell out, they don't understand my world and have not lived my life. A grown woman makes her own choices, and I know what I am doing.

At least I do have fun. My latest crisis has passed over, Mr Psycho is not coming back to my door etc. He caused so much damage in our lives it was unreal. I am taking steps to sort my life out, regain some sense of stability, mental health etc. I have good friends around, who give support in spite of their problems. Maybe then I can retain some semblance of 'normality' but never total. I've sacrificed the dream, illusion, of domestic bliss, which is a romantic illusion anyway. Although I am a bit of a romantic at heart, I have one foot on reality, even if it bites me at times. Someone who accepts me as I am is better than someone and the society he keeps trying to mould me.

I won't listen to anyone who suggests I give up what I do have, the love and fun I do possess. Anyone who has a clue will know these things are more complex than they seem. I hate the term 'selling myself' because my sexuality is not my heart and soul, core of my being etc. Speaking of women 'selling themselves' implies their sex is the essence of who they are, all they are - there is more to me than this. It is a a part of myself I hire - just as a journalist hires his or her writing skills - a good parallel as I tried a bit of journalism before and may well do again, nothing there to stop me trying to fufill my hopes of being a writer. I don't intend to sell my sexual services forever - and he doesn't want me to either.

A man who accepts me as I am, realises I need to sort myself out etc and does not try to make me what I am not is all I need. Everyone has their problems, so called straight people too, domestic bliss is a myth and tensions do not only occur between people who live on the margins. The fact I support a man financially while I hire sexual services (and not my heart and my soul) does not make him a predatory beast and me a hapless victim. It may not be normal but is far more complex than one may assume. Tensions over money develop in any relationship, it may be more extreme when one lives as I do but is not so unreal. Doing what I do complicates things, but hell, sex is only worth the emotion you invest into it. I invest nothing into sex with strangers. Giving a partner a chunk of what I get is my way of compensating while helping us both through hard times. Men accept payment because what kind of man would not have trouble coming to terms with a partner doing such a job? I'd have issues with a male partner shagging other women for money, and likely would not reject his money either. When I've done this kind of work men have never 'taken' my money - I've given it.

Now you've seen the other side to this, and you can see my spirits have lifted. Things are not quite as black as my rants have painted them. A relatively calm post, without the usual sleaze, cursing, violence, etc. Make the most as it may be the last for a while - not often I give a window into my soul. If a man was a total misogynistic brute I would not stick around, hell, I may be a bit of a masochist but not that much of one.

We all have problems. The man is sorry, he knows he has been a jerk. But then I am not always easy to be with either. I have my dark side as much as he does, neither of us are perfect. I am a nicer person when he is nicer, and vice versa. Maybe if we just continue being nicer there'd be fewer tensions.

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