It is unlikely you will read this, but the 'painful bitch' has a few words to say to you.
Some of you (especially one of you, the closest to me) can be fine on your own. So why the constant need to outmacho each other? Do you really think that telling sexist jokes, speaking to 'hos' or 'coke tarts' like scum in each other's presence really makes you look hard and more manly? It does not. To me it exposes the fact that deep inside you are all very insecure men. Your behaviour is not cool, it is childish and pathetic. It makes you look like a bunch of stupid boys rather than men. Why are you so quick to point the finger at women who share your little weakness (you know full well the one I mean) while seeming to be so lacking in self reflection at times? You kid yourselves that you can afford or sustain your damn habits while I can't. Face it, you never have any money either, shortages are as rife with you as with me. Food, phone credits, transport, car insurance, rent......the list is endless of what you lack so often. You are not any better than me so stop telling me and yourselves you are. I don't delude myself so you cut it out too.
I like most of you, if not every one, despite the strife you bring with your bloody coke. But you often delude yourselves that you are God's gifts to women - when face it, if your cocaine went away you wouild not have so many little groupies who allow you to treat like dirt at times. Face it, you all brag about how many women you shag, how many are under your thumbs, and I know full well you find it hilarious to make jokes at the expense of these women, myself included. But come on, half the time you can't even perform without the help of viagra. And when you get sexually aggressive - well, what kind of weapons are your pricks then?
You guys laugh at me without knowing half the time I am laughing at you unless you have wound me up, let me down in the little head games and control games you play. You might think I am just a dumb blonde tart who has a fetish for your coke....but I am not totally stupid. I know what you do, one of you admitted it openly once about the use of your cocaine as a weapon of control over people. But take that away you'd be nothing to most of your hangers on, never forget that.
I have never in my life come accross a bunch of dudes with so many sexual deviancies as you guys. And hell, since hanging with you and doing your gear with you I myself have indulged more of them than ever before - and bear in mind the fact that I'm a prostitute too. And I find some of your tendencies rubbing off on me. You get off on the domination, sometimes humilation of women. You cannot shag us without pulling our hair, calling us names or fantasising you are raping us. I've watched your porn with you, skinny women being taken up every hole by three big looking men with big cocks. I found it disturbing but all this sick stuff has brought out the sexual masochist in me. Oh well, matches made in heaven (or hell).
You think you can control us by witholding drugs, affection, sex, sometimes one of those things, sometimes two, sometimes all of them. Hence the week I owed credit to one of you and had no money - all I had save for what I needed to live on went to my debt. I was alone in this dirthole, sick, mentally and physically. but still waiting for clients. You were all out sniffing together leaving me like this, it was not cool. I know you had no gear either new years eve, but being left alone like that gave me the worst one of my life. I was breaking my heart over one of you and you didn't care, none of you showed any signs. I called up a number by mistake and got through to a stranger - he showed me more kindness and wanted to meet me with his partner,not liking to see anyone alone on a night like that. That is one event in our sordid little history I want to forget forever. Bear in mind my place never used to be a dirthole with all this clutter - you have helped it become one. I've only lived like this since hanging with you. You live in tips when a woman is not present to clear up after all of you and your parties. Yet you say I'm lazy and live in a pigsty - who has helped it become one? Stop and think.
People ask me why I take all this - I often wonder. But we all know it is more complex than anyone assumes, and they should not be so quick to judge if they have not walked in my shoes. I know some of them care, but I wish somebody other than one close friend (Mr Psycho's ex) understood. She understands due to her experiences with the men in her life, which have not been dissimiliar to my own. You guys and my psycho of an ex have been the most extreme cases yet - in the space of one year! I don't 'hate men' nor am I fond of burning underwear - but push me too far and what you say may fulfill itself - a girl can only take so much.
Now, I only invited one of you into my life - I did not ask for all of you yet I have got you all. Apart from two of you (one of whom has an entire post about him) who are too sick and twisted for my liking (and that is saying something....) I have grown fond of you all, even though you are sick. But so am I. So no more competitions over who is the most fucked up and sick. We all are sick, end of.
Straight society would not look up to you, you are only admired in the underbelly you've long inhabited and brought me into with you all. Squares would call you 'criminal scum' and the same of me - I would be if not dirty and as bad as you I'd at best be seen as your hapless exploited victim.
I do not normally hang with misogynistically inclined brutes, and the only reason I like your company besides the nose candy is because you can all be amusing, the lives and souls of each party. I have a special attachment to one of you but not to all of you. When you've all been nice to me we've had great times, everyone gets what they want then and all are happy. So what is the point in being mean? Don't you see it turns me into the nagging, pestering, whinging bitch with the big mouth you say you find intolerable? I just don't like to be left rotting in the dark when either the party is over or you decide I am not invited. And then after all this you have the cheek to say you need medals to put up with women like me! All I've done for you and still do fails to get appreciated enough - I've put both my life and liberty on the line. Coming to my funeral or visiting me in jail would be no consolation.
Because everything to you can be reduced down to the big C (the lowest common denominator) you think my mind works the same way. Hence you think you can just appease me by dishing out a bit, and treat me like dirt, witholding everything else and ignoring the rest of my needs. I ensure you get paid, I get no free dust, so how could you say I do? I broke down one night due to insensitivity on the part of one of you - he thought I was crying because 'he had no coke' that night. I've been expected to go hungry while you tell me you've been eating all day - with the money I gave you off a 'debt'. I say that because what I 'owe' you is neglible. Everything in me cannot be reduced to your bloody drugs - I have other needs as a human being just like you guys do. Please stop painting me as something I am not - a total fiend, an animal, and the very worst of the lot of us. Else I'll think it is projection on your part. A gram can last me all evening if it must - a gram rarely lasts you more than an hour, and that is me being generous. Often it is gone in half an hour.
I've saved your necks many times and you know it. I was a 'lifesaver' after you succesfully extorted nearly all I had after the weekend, and thought a hug and some kind words would suffice. The fact you have shit does not give you the right to do this. Give it some time and I'll have my own shit to flog to a few trusted mates without getting involved with the loons you guys do. When you no longer have that over me then maybe things will become more equal. Don't kid yourselves you are better than me because you are men and it is your natural right to lord it over me. I give you money to help you - and the deal is you are supposed to give something to me ......i.e watch my back. You've stopped doing the latter part of the deal there, and now just expect it like it is your entitlement, even when you are not here and doing nothing for it (which has been the case lately, and I have told you it cannot carry on indefinetly). While that has been an arrangement with one of you, I know you all know the score. You laugh at me for what I do - is a pimp truly better or higher than a whore? No. Why the need to rule through fear, as you sometimes do? Controlling people is better done through persuasion and charm - a thing which you guys run low on at desperate times. Aren't I as broke and as desperate as you are? Why the need to scare and pressure me? If you are being pressured by dangerous, violent mfs who you owe to......no need to do the same to me. You could have, like I said, explained to me it was a serious matter and you would have got what you needed and maybe more. Your pressure made me perform less well and hence you got less money, so we all lost out there.
I entered this arrangement because I trusted you at the time enough to believe it would be a partnership. I do not want to work for other people but with them, yet you have been acting like bosses, or at least one of you has with the rest in support or egging him on. I've been given deadlines, made to work under enormous pressure and you treat your most loyal (or rather only) employee like a slave and a filthy one at that at times. Not only do I act like a loyal wage slave I also buy your company produce. Were there more of us we could well be on strike by this stage if we could afford to. No point in me joining any union as this agency has only one worker at present who needs to take all the pressure.
Also don't forget I couldn't go down for this - but you could, or at least one of you. I gave you good advice - if you must answer the phone (as you did when you did not trust me with the cellphone, kept it while I was under the illusion it was your only phone - you had two all the time and left me indoors relying on only the landline, only being able to go out in short bursts on occasion to the shop)say the right thing - only discuss time and company with them, leave all else to me. You don't know it aint a cop on the other end. Leaving me with no cellphone did not result in us making more money - we probably lost money. Yet it is me who takes the rap. I get told I am expendable, that there are younger women, that I never make enough money etc so I'd better put up or shut up else you'll be gone. Often I think - this man aint doing his job, he's fucking up. I wonder what I pay him for at times. If it 'is not his job' to 'look after me' what is his job? To be a heartless brute who takes and never gives a thing back? The job description was precisely the former - not the latter. I don't want to pay someone to be a brute. Plenty of men out there would do it for free, and I don't want somone doing it at all, despite his claims that I 'like it really' and 'set myself up for it'. To think financial domination turns me on secretly - that is twisted. Please don't.
One rule for yourselves another for us - you always play the jealousy card with your women, accusing them of shagging other men behind your backs in secret, or of really getting it on with others among you or fancying them, the list is endless. Yet you guys think because you are men and more promiscuous by nature you can do as you will. I've agreed that I'll let things be - just don't rub our faces in it. Yet you do play this and do bait us about other women. My own guy and Mr Psycho pulled a couple of 18 year old 'sluts' one night, shagged them, gave them coke with the hope of making money out of them by living off their proceeds. I did not have to know about that - but he ensured I did due to his own sick fantasies about watching me perform oral sex on them - when I have no desire to engage in oral sex with women I have never met - especially when women are not really my thing, but young women I do not know - the last thing I want! If ever I do anything with a woman it has got to be someone around my own age who I know. He was wrong to try to pressure me into doing sexual stuff I did not want to do purely for his own gratification. My lack of desire to engage in it resulted in him taunting me about this girl until the sordid evening he spent with her was rubbed in my face - and he really lacked so my empathy that he failed to realise why I was crying.
I know you are under pressure. So am I. I also know that deep down you are not bad guys, you just have a sickness, or behavioural problem, call it what you will. So do I have this problem, partly why I hang out with you. I know there is another side to this - yours. I know there is another side to him and to all of you, I have seen it. I see him as a decent man at heart, just screwed up with obvious issues with women (he himself admits to having issues with women - at least he has the courage to recognise his own misogyny, not all of you have that honesty - I suppose something I like about him is his honesty in that manner). You have the classic male syndrome of a lack of empathy and inflated egos. Being addicts makes you take the piss without even realise you are taking the piss - I know, I do it myself to a degree. People have bailed me out and I've blagged etc - I know. This does not mean you are heartless any more than I am. The irony of it is that I have the brains to see what is happening when it does and my own weaknesses make me let it continue. The added ingredient of you know what increases emotional, mental, sexual dependency to an extent where I surprise myself by what I now tolerate.
But stop thinking the fact you are men makes you better than me. It does not. Those looking in from the outside will see it either way - either I am a stupid victim or a highly delusional woman seeking signs of love and affection in a man who is highly exploitative....or, I have a big heart besides being fucked up and love such a man for the good I do see in him. I have been in an abusive relationship, I was in one last year with a man whose romantic charm was a facade, an act to hide his true self (a dark and horrible semi sociopath who I now shiver at the thought that I ever let him put his prick inside me). I can see the difference and my current man does not act - in his own words he has an 'emotional cut off switch', deliberately distances himself from his feelings. Partly due to mistrust of being stitched up by women especially, but also due to his obsession with money. He lets his love of money, drugs, cars etc get the better of his affection for me. Before he got so deep in this he was a salesman by trade, and people who work in sales are often greedy. I can't speak for the rest of you guys, but that is one of his weak points. I hope it does not destroy our relationship and that Mr Nice will apppear again more often. Cos I'm sick of Mr Nasty. I didn't know the man's dark side six months ago, I just saw a man who was witty, friendly, sympathetic and fun - who did show and still can show genuine signs of affection and warmth, I can see the difference between what is for real and what is fake. I can see that all his stupid pimp talk is often a bit of an act - although the exasperation and annoyance in his voice when I have no money is all too real.
In the early days, signs of the dark side appeared whenever the subject turned to that of money. At times it is funny to hear his little pipe dreams, business ideas that come to nothing nine times out of ten. At times it is a pain to hear his ego boosts about what a great man he is, destined for great things and great wealth. Money, or the obtaining of it, excites him in a way it has never done me. He can have his dreams and I want to keep mine alive, just let's hope not all of them turn into a requiem as seems to have been the case lately.