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Friday, 15 January 2010

Open Letter to A Former Friend, A Heroin Addict

Here is a letter I drafted to a girl I know. It is not what she does, not her drug of choice that is the problem for me - unlike her I am not a judgemental cow and a self righteous hypocrite. It is not the heroin that sickens me but her rotten behaviour. A cocaine addict like this would sicken me just as much - and the equivalents do exist. I had to write this to get it out of my system, although it is unlikely she will read it. Perhaps I will print and burn it. This girl simply stands as a warning and representation to me of how low it is possible to sink, and she is in a place I never want to go.....

Hi Bitch,

I know you will not like hearing this. But what the hell, I have been upset and part of this is intended to make you think at look at yourself. Because while you spend a lot of time criticising other people you tend not to look at yourself very much.

Now I know I am not in a position to preach to anyone nor do I hold myself up as a model of either sanity or temperance – far from it! I am far from perfect and can see it. But, even though I may not like what I see, I can at least look at myself and admit that most, if not all, of my present problems are self inflicted. You can't seem to be able to do this. You are way to quick to blame other people or outside forces for your predicament, which is part of the reason for it in the first place.

The thing is that while you expect me to have a lot of sympathy for you (and I actually did have) I doubt you would have as much for me. You complaine you have no money. I don't suppose you would have liked it for one minute if I had responded with the comment 'It's because you spend all your money on heroin'. I wouldn't as to be blunt it would be stating the obvious. Yet you commented to me, when I made the same complaint about my own finance, that it is due to coke use. I didn't react angrily or offended, even when you transferred it away from myself onto a third party (deciding to blame my ex for inducing it in me). The part that did offend me most was when you accused me of doing what I do to 'spite him', but even then I was not angry, I just protested that it was my own choice and not about 'spiting' that little sicko. I only lost my temper when you persisted in making this remark, and I had to yell that the little idiot means nothing, that I feel ill of having let him near me.

But really – why do you think you can say such a thing to me that I would not say to you? Is what you do inherently any better? You may say all you want that your addiction is physical and not mental – and I would agree it is more of a bummer like that. But then, if things are that bad, there is always the option of a methadone script. You choose not to get one but rather make the choice to spend your money on heroin. So why complain of the consequences of this choice? One cannot obtain uppers on prescription, not even a cheap synthetic version. If you psychologically feel like shit you have to deal with it. Sure, I know that methadone does not get you high and that you get psychological symptoms etc – I have been there. But you are also fortunate enough to get tablets to deal with these symptoms – yet you choose to sell them in order to spend money on smack. I would have been grateful to have gotten such a prescription a few years back – that was how I quit that shit over ten years ago. When I have received such prescription drugs I've took them and not done smack – never have I sold them to buy smack. I have to draw the conclusion then, that your predicament is your own choice. Looking at the facts my sympathy wanes. You don't have the excuses other people may have because you obtain plenty of downers – to squander them is your choice.

Ok, so you like to get high – well, so do I so do a lot of people. You have no other excuse to do what you do – this is the sole reason. I don't like heroin myself anymore but different people get their kicks in different ways, fairplay. Staying sane is a reason to fuck up – but is getting high really worth the loss of your dignity, health accomodation, money, friends, everything? Is it really worth dying a slow death over? Why not just do methadone and benzos in the week and save your beloved smack for weekends? I could not afford to do coke on welfare money – so I get off my arse and earn, at least I can do that much to support my rotten habit. You cannot be bothered to earn – which means you cannot afford to do smack. Therefore, get your free meth and benzos, do smack once a week and stop bloody shooting, smoke or snort it as I used to! Anyone who is sane would suggest the same thing, you can't scrounge til you not only lose your friends but your life as well.

Now, you might say again I am a fine one to talk. But am I the one walking round with holes in my legs, swollen and painful covered in sores? Am I the one kipping on someone's couch? Am I the one who pawns other people's goods to get what I want?

I doubt you would have much sympathy for me if I was walking round with a damaged sinus in pain with daily nosebleeds, moaned about it but continued to sniff. Neither would I get much sympathy if I pawned other people's musical equpiment in return for grams of coke and failed to return them. And what if I lost my accomodation due not only to selling coke from there but also by having fiends there daily creating a racket, throwing tantrums, disturbing neighbours by banging on the window asking if I had any Charlie, along with looking everywhere for scraps of dust, everything you could imagine? Would you take me seriously if I told you I lost my accomodation though no fault of my own? I doubt it. I know you've conceded you shouldn't have had the people round who you did – but then the next minute you say it was not your fault you were thrown out.
I'm not saying it was right – but if you want to do openly something that's illegal you have to face the costs or simply be discreet. I have been lucky myself cos I've been stupid myself either creating a noise myself or having people round all night – but I wouldn't have claimed to be faultless were I thrown out as a result.

You give heroin users a bad name, as not all are like you but you sure meet every stereotype. Blame everything and everyone else for their problems – never themselves! You slag me off simply because I no longer can lend you money to obtain a fix.You slag me off and have the nerve to accuse me of using my boyfriend for his coke and are jealous due to the fact he flogs it.

Passive aggression is your art down to a tee. I don't know why it turns you on so to get a rise out of people. Remember, people in glass houses should not throw stones yet you always throw your stupid little pebbles at everyone. Don't complain if somebody throws a few back at you. You are judgemental, racist – the list of those you dislike is endless, someone's ethnic background in itself is a crime to you. Sex workers are another target. You call me a 'dirty prostitute' and say you would rather turkey than have sex for money or drugs. This is a lie and you are a filthy hypocrite. I am upfront – you hate women like me because we blow your cover of so called 'respectable', your veneer of prudishness and your 'nice girl' act. I know full well that when your boyfriends back is turned you continue to shag, or at least try to, the man downstairs to you in the hope he will buy you a tenners worth of smack. He himself told me this, and it's common knowledge. Selling cheap, aint we? Oh well, a gram of coke is £40 at least and not £10 – guess it would not be worth my while. Just please don't be a foul hypocrite.

You think I always have money – you never contact me when you do not want anything and no longer give a stuff for my well being. Cocaine users are another group on your 'out' list – it was so pathetic but you were close to tears when you were remembering the days I did smack with you, and once pleaded with me on the phone not to use coke but to go and see you and 'chill' (I.e get smacked out). No thank you. It is sad now I have no interest in your dust nor you in mine we are friends no more – but if our friendship really was that shallow it is probably best left in the past. Once you had other things in your life – but heroin is now all you live for, all you care about. Your boyfriend openly calls himself a dirty junkie, and admits all he lives for is his next fix. I have my own addictions to deal with, and I cannot be around people as far gone as you for the protection of my own health and dignity. Believe or not – I do still have a soul and still care for more than my next sniff.

We have nothing in common anymore, you have turned into a very bitter and vindictive woman who is totally self centred. Try looking in the mirror for a change before pointing your finger at other people. We were once friends – but not any more. It is sad that the ending of our friendship is yet again drug related – but it is not only this. You are two faced, nice to everyone's face but slamming them behind their backs all the time. To my face you compliment my music yet say behind my back my guitar playing is rubbish. You dare call me a slut for being a sex worker while you shag other men behind the back of your man for smack – or even worse rub it in his face by having your men round his home and shagging them on the couch while he goes to the off licence to buy you beer, being the alcoholic you are as well as heroin addict who is too lazy to go out. Your man also caught you a second time – in his bed with another man!

You judge people for consensual sex acts – not only for money but what people do in their personal lives. You bang on about anal sex and how disgusting it is to you – is anyone asking you to do it?
Is anyone asking you to be a sex worker? No, so shut up. You complained once your neighbour was one such woman and were 'forced to live next door to a prostitute'. Yet you said I was your best friend at the same time! Have I 'forced' you to be my friend, you stupid bitch? You act prudish and hate the words sex, fuck, prick etc being used in your presence. Is this because your heroin addict boyfriend does not fuck you anymore?

You are a sick woman – I want no more to do with you not because of your smack use but because you are a nasty person. You express the worst characteristics of addicts, meet every stereotype– bitterness, lack of self responsibility, severe self destruction and too lazy to get off your arse to get your own money so you sponge off others. Give us all a bad name, then people assume this is what all drug addicts are like. I am a 'dirty whore' when you feel but I am ok when you have wanted to borrow money – my money aint so filthy then, is it? You tell me I use men who I can get drugs from as you 'know me' – yes, you know me to know I do not normally go out with dealers! I have always purchased my own shit and still do. The man I am with now is the first guy I've been with who is a dealer, and he does not give it to me for free unless he is in a generous mood.

How dare you tell me that at least you 'buy your own drugs'? You do not – you have taken my money, 'borrowed' it and never given me a penny back. I have been a mug for helping you in the past and never will again, even if I could. You take money from your other friends, some of whom are also sex workers.

How dare you think you can use my place as care of address – face it, you hate cocaine addicts and sex workers. As I am both you had better not tarnish your precious reputation by having anything to do with a nasty coke whore like me.

Let my blood freeze and dry while I get ready to earn some money. Then I might have my fucking snow to numb my rotten pain,


Ice Queen.

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