Here's another little gem.....Imagine your boyfriend comes over with some beers and some drugs, you are looking forward to getting a little high, you have cooked a nice meal as you are not totally broke for a change.
While you are serving up he gets a phone call. There is a man on the other end who says to your partner 'You are a slimey motherfucker, and I do not like you. I know what your car looks like. I know what district you live in and which one your girl lives, and I know where your other bitch is too. I am prepared to do jail for you, and I am gonna blow your brains out tonight'. You feel your evening is ruined, he goes into a fit of paranoia and goes as if to leave, you are then terrified yourself. He calls up his heavyweight violent friend to protect him from another violent, knife or gun toting maniac. You leave, your man doesn't eat the food you prepare and you spend the night around this other guys. One good thing comes out of it in that you make a new friend in the form of this man's present girlfriend (who is not happy, the relationship being abusive so you find some female support at least). Yet when you go home he gets all paranoid again (after you've had a relatively good night, calmed and gotten pleasantly high etc). You try to calm him, you can't, all he can say is shut up and does not let you breathe a word. You get pissed off and ask him for a line, after which he loses his rag, pulls you by the hair and then puts a line in front of you and says sarcastically 'that'll make everything ok'. You have left your phone at his mates gf's place, your man says he'll collect it and bring it back, as it is just round the corner from yours. You don't wake til dark, he fails to return. You go to collect it, find he has taken it home. You are upset, and that night you take a taxi to his place, needing your phone for work. He is upset and apologetic when he sees you, his loving self once more and promises not to be so horrible again, cudddles up to you in bed etc. The following morning he wakes in a bad mood and insists you do his housework when two of his mates show up and get him out of bed. You stay there for the next few days during which time his moods vary, depending on variables such as company, the amount of drug use etc,
That was one not so distant event in my messed up world. I am writing this blog as a way to get things off my chest, and to keep a record of this period. One day soon I hope things will settle down. Ask me why I stay with this man - it is not for the coke, there are other dealers in town and the occasional free sniff would not be worth the heartache, headaches etc. Something deeper is there, I can't quite say what but I see a man who deep down is not a beast but who I feel is slowly losing his soul to 'the beast' so to speak. It is not my job to save his soul, but I feel compelled to bring back the person who I know is there still under this madness, pleading for him not to dissapear and be consumed by his own madness and the monster of addiction.