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Monday, 11 January 2010

Oliver!- It's a fine life! [Scene Ten]

Another one.....always helps me keep my chin up!

I could always relate to Nancy - a woman doing what I do for a living, in a troubled relationship, but still keeping her chin up and being the life and soul of the party....

'Who cares if straightlaces sneer at us in the street...?'

'If you don't mind having like or lump it....'

'But for me the happy home, happy husband, happy wife.......though it sometimes touches me, for the likes of such as me.......'

I wear clothes from a thriftshop, still have roof over my head though. Please don't imagine that normal men will accept me despite my problems - they won't. Nancy's poison was laudanum and alcohol - there wasn't cocaine then, in it's snortable or smokable form.

This was fiction, but Nancy's was the fate of many 'fallen women'. I hate to see myself reduced to this, or letting myself be - but my choices have been limited. Society may be less judgemental than it was then - but not that much.

'Straightlaces' do sneer at me. I am looked down on for what I am. The fact it began years ago is always a black mark in square society - why I shun it. The friendship of squares is patronising and I won't be looked down on or judged - I am what I am, take or leave!

My posh mate has a bullying boyfriend. She is feisty with everyone else, including me, and we have had big rows and clashes. Her man nagging her to do the housework was causing her to stutter. I noticed this and thought maybe we weren't millions of miles apart. According to her we are because her man is not a 'drug dealing pimp'.

I don't care what she says - the essence is the same, and she aint no better than me. We both are well read, intelligent yet inclined to accept abuse. She is no better than me. She says most prostitutes are 'hard, cynical, bitches'. The examples of Nancy (and me) are 'exceptions'.

Jason said the same thing when we met - the difference between me and the other 'coke whores' he's come accross is that I have a heart, and he loves my 'precious heart'.

The tart with a heart. Who finds it stabbed. I am scarred forever and can never be the same. People don't look at you the same way as they do 'respectable women'. Jason would not have treated his 'straightlaced' wife how he now treats me. He said she'd despair knowing what her former husband has become and the kind of woman he has hooked up with. He was sick enough to imagine we could meet and get along well together - I never wish to lay eyes on her. Damn her and damn him for putting her on a stupid pedestal for her sobriety. Virgin/whore dichtomy runs rife.

Anyone tells me I deserve better - try having lived my life. See how far you get in the straight world. I have given up trying. I once lied, covered my past but it got me nowhere. People gathered something was not right, and it can never be hidden totally in personal relationships. Addiction, sex work, bound to come up. I get judged, and my CV has so many gaps it aint worth shit. Not that I want a 9-5 job, being unable to be tied down anyway. Nobody can make me square, and I am at the stage where I've come to accept I will always be an outsider, I can never live in the straight world. I am not sorry for who I am or what I've done - they have not walked in my shoes. I will not grovel and beg them to forgive this 'fallen woman' - there is nothing to forgive,

I play my role. I give lonely men orgasms. If it weren't for the likes of me 'respectable women' would be more prone to sexual violence, as men can be beasts. The CIA are in league with drug barons - people like us keep them rich. I may rebel, I am an anarchist politically - but - whatever you do there is no way out of this stinking system.

Only way out of this hell is to make money from writing of my experiences - I can be no straight/square. Otherwise I must flog dope.......continuing as a whore loses me the respect of the men in my life and turns them into pimps. I know too well.

Jason was fond of me at least once, but whether he is now......I made it clear I would not do what I do for a living if it was at the expense of my personal life. He wanted me to continue cos he needs the money - what can I do?

But.......I'll live. 'For the likes of such as me.....mine's a fine, fine, life!'. It has been and it will again, I swear the sun will shine on me again.

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