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Wednesday, 13 January 2010

More On Desire



I get told to look at myself in the mirror before criticising others. I do, or try.....although not everyone can if you really hate what you see that much. People tend to despise the negativity in themselves when it is reflected in another, so they turn away. People most heavily criticise each other for their own faults.

1.

I have said several things here about the men I associate with. There are two sides to this story. According to them, I am a bitch and a nag, who cannot stop talking. Any man must have the 'patience of a saint' to put up with me. I humiliate, debase myself in return for bags of coke, and it is 'painful' for them to watch. Poor Jason. He should get shot of me. They don't know that is what my friends say about him - that he is a 'scumbag' I should get shot off.

If I debase, humiliate myself, the guys encourage me and are disgusted with themselves as much as me, and they debase themselves too, just not in a feminine way. Men have the option, especially if in a group, of being aggressive towards a woman. We don't have this option. All this getting us to do stuff with the promise of something at the end - it is sick at both sides. Sick of the guys to play this game, and sick of us to play along with it. Sexual debasement, humiliation, in return for the promise of getting high at the end. I am not the only woman in the world who sometimes indulges all this, and there must be sexual masochism involved. It must give the guys some sick thrill as well as repel them - which is in fact a similiar way I feel about their games. It has calmed down....but it's happened. I've seen other women indulge it and be repelled. The same woman who tried to kick my head in for dating a dealer begged a sociopathic, violent man to buy her drugs and let him do as he wanted with her in return. Perhaps she repels me so because I see elements of myself, that sickness, reflected there. I want to avoid losing my soul to the beast.

It is far from simple. Yes, I do have a big mouth. I talk as I write. Those behind a computer scene are not forced to read my rants. Those in the same room have little choice unless they tell me to shut the fuck up.

But what not everyone realises is that I was in a very abusive relationship for eight months where I was allowed to say hardly a word or else receive a mouthful of abuse - or worse. The sicko used to try to make me submissive through pressuring me to smoke cannabis, which I did not like. I hate it now and avoid it like the plague, it makes me feel ill. Other abuse occured - I was constantly called a 'coke whore' long before I was on the stuff - simply because I admitted to liking it and having been on it before. The fact I had sold sex in the past made me a dirty slut who shags men in return for cocaine. Was I to find a man with a 'big bag of coke' I would leave the motherfucker. It was self fufilling - I have become what he said I was. My past caught up with me.

I was not working then - but using the stuff again did give me the guts to defend myself against that jerk. Now this man was not an open misogynist - to outsiders he was the perfect gentleman, new man etc. He would only let the mask slip with the women unfortunate enough to get close to him. In the first few months of any relationship he was the most romantic man in the world, until the woman in question failed to meet his ideal. Then his true self, the misogynist psycho (who wanted women to be seen and not heard) would set in. I would not be allowed to disagree with his views, tastes, opinions, anything lest he fly into a rage. He had a particular vendetta against women who enjoyed uppers. Getting high on a stimulant is as easy as whoring, in his own words, as easy as spreading ones legs. Shows a lack of intelligence. Gee, coke whores are the most retarded people in the world. Thick, stupid, filthy sluts with no brain, whose only use to men is shagging (which he did not mind doing to them). Pimps are better than whores because the former have intelligence at least, even though they sniff as well. He had no empathy for people's backgrounds, no idea of the reasons why people make the choices they make and fuck up sometimes. He was a spoilt rich kid whose parents bought him properties to let - little idea of the notion that poorer people might find their choices more constrained. I realised his romantic words had been lies, and the illusion was shattered.

His prophecy about a man with a big bag of you know what become true. Jason befriended me. Here was a man who liked getting high how I did, and seemed far more down to earth - the opposite of that twat. He was from a humble background and had actually worked for a living. He was not into romantic talk (which all my illusions in had been shattered - I did not want someone like that, I would not trust them), and made no pretences. My ex pressured me about marriage, kids, etc. I wanted something, shall we say, a bit more casual, a guy I could have fun with, have a laugh with, and he had a sense of humour (unlike that jerk).

2.

I was not quite prepared for all his friends. Most of them are hard men indeed. Some do regular work, some do not. A couple who I met have straight and sober wives at home and don't party so often. It takes the love of a 'good woman' to tame such wild men. Some of the men have no plans on settling down. Women like me, the 'bad girls', the women who 'are not clean enough' to take home to their mothers will always be on the scene. Old age aint something I want to contemplate right now and nor do they. Things will slow down, and someday things will be more normal, if never totally normal (total normality being impossible after the experience of total madness anyway). Some of us are further gone than others.

Most of these guys come from troubled background, some from criminal families. None of them have had happy lives, which explains why they are fucked up. I have a higher level of empathy than many women for men who are domineering with streaks of misogyny. It has gotten me into trouble and still can. It is perhaps masochistic in a sense. Men who are this way inclined are likely to have been abused themselves in some way, some of whom I know have been. Men grow up likely to become abusive themselves, women more likely to tolerate abuse. Vicious cycle.

Jimmy is from one such family, and has little empathy for the trauma of others because it cannot be worse than his. He is looking for a decent girl to settle down with, one who is 'normal'. Decent sort, but little patience with mouthy women His family were deep in all sorts of shit - a foot wrong and daddy'll get his gun, they are heavy dangerous criminals. You don't fuck with them. Handy to have friends with connections. Other guys I wish to steer well clear of, nasty fucks who are into gun dealing and abuse prostitutes. Some of these sicko types don't care for your gender - a foot wrong and you could be history. Women are their to either get fucked or be bashed about. Be seen not heard. Broads like me with big gobs are not tolerated. Better keep the hell away.

Jason normally has the sense to keep jerks like that away. But the psycho mentioned in an earlier post called 'Psycho' with the pic next to it of Alex from 'A Clockwork Orange' - I'll refer to him as Alex.

He is one fucked up dude. Now, I've reached a few conclusions about myself after last years experience with the romantic charmer. While I like men with an edge of excitement, danger, dominant men - I have zero attraction to macho sociopathic brutes who simply want to fuck me or beat the crap out of me, and want me to speak only when spoken to.

Jason befriended Alex because he felt sorry for him, Alex had no friends and Jason thought it handy to have a pal like that as a heavy. You need back up to peddle that shit, you could get robbed, stabbed, shot etc if you deal with the wrong types.

Now Alex had one hell of a life. He grew up in the ghettoes and violence is really all he has known. He's lived by the gun, one day he will die by it. He has never worked but always been a petty criminal. He and his mates made their own gangsta video showing off their guns and pitbulls etc. He aint the smartest chip off the block.

I once had sympathy for him because he was hurting, but the fact he has brought so much grief into my life (I've suffered a lot of pain from the consequences of his actions), along with terrorising my friend at knifepoint, means I have very little. It is sad but he rejected my hand of friendship because I am female. I've had fun with a few of those guys, sometimes in return for something, sometimes just for the kicks when everyone's high. But I've never wanted to go there with him......something stopped me. I must have some instinct left of self preservation, despite my destructive tendencies.

Men and women are products of their environment, true, but there are other factors. Personality types differ - a person is not a blank piece of paper when born. Someone else could have had my life and reacted in a different way. Who you hang with does make a difference, for sure. For some reason I've mixed in a lot of circles, always been seen as a bit crazy but not in a horrible way.

The people featured here are a mixed bunch, and I don't like to make broad generalisations. Domineering men, substance users and abusers, with streaks of misogyny for sure - just that there are levels of it. I know when my tolerance level wanes, if not for drugs than at least for dangerous men.

3.

If anyone has seen the movie 'Streetcar Named Desire' they will get the drift. Once upon a time I liked romantic gentlemen, as did Blanche. The streetcar named Desire led her to Hades, which was inhabited by macho, misogynist brutes like her brother in law Stanley. The clash between myself and Alex was something like that. Blanche lied about her past......it caught up with her as mine did. I am now being open about it, although it means I can never be normal - but neither does anyone I choose to be with. Nobody wants to take me to meet their ma. Out of the bunch of men at her sister's place Blanche chose to hook up with the nicest, most intelligent one who was the least brutish. He could be as macho as them while hanging out playing poker with them, but was good to Blanche in private. Stanley unrooted Blanche's sordid past, and Mitch (Blanche's fiancee) decided she was not 'clean enough' to take home with him. Stanley raped Blanche - which was where her desire eventually led her. Her longing led her to that place where she suffered that fate. It has led me to a similiar place - but I refuse to let it end in sexual assualt and the madhouse. I know that the 'kindness of strangers' cannot be relied upon - it has gotten me into too much trouble, as it did Blanche. I don't wish to share her fate.

If I am damaged goods I can console myself that the guys are just as damaged, and had they been female they may well have taken my options. The difference is the result for them is different. Hence they are pleased they are not female and glad they are men. I sometimes wonder if my life would have been easier had I been male - but I'll never know, will I?

2 comments:

  1. Some serious venting, let it all out you precious thing.. Ive never seen someone pouring out so much of their demons in such quantity.. So you know it probably wouldnt have been easier if you were a male. You would just be a different kind of damaged goods. Like me! Anyway if you make yourself into a beautiful success then you can look at the parts of your life that have been hell as giving you the character of 100 women. xo

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  2. Thanks for the kind words, DB. They are well appreciatted. True, the men I speak of here are just as damaged, but in a different way, and of course you are different again....

    I will get through this, I know I'm a survivor - like you! Parts of my life have indeed been hell, but I can say I've had good times as well, and it is all a learning curve anyway, taking the good with the bad, ups with the downs. Part of this is all about accepting myself as I am and not trying to be something I'm not, forcing myself into someone else's pigeonholes or expectations etc. Take care xxx

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