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Sunday, 24 January 2010

Letter to Man I Loved.....


I wrote him this email....we all have our limits. Easier if I had a heart of stone.....but I don't (yet). I dreamt last year things would be different...I have posted it here as well as in his inbox to try and make sure he sees...pray he has some humanity and compassion left in him. I've respected his boundaries, but it seems he sees ANY demands I make as being 'emotionally draining' on him. I've done so much for him...put myself at risk so much, not only from strangers (whose kindness I've had to rely on in my work) but also from his associates.....he should stop and think.

Hey,

Firstly.....to say I know you have problems. I am sorry. But so do I, and my problems are not unrelated to your own. I have been getting the fallback from yours. I know you have feelings deep down, although you sometimes appear not to. Please turn off your 'cut off switch' for a moment and find your emotions, hear me for the first time in ages. You were nice to me and cared about me once. It does not make you look more of a man by being cold and horrible to me - some may say that bullying a woman as you do me makes you look less of one.

I said over Xmas I'd missed you - you said you knew but you had to earn money. To earn money you think you must be cold, nasty, ruthless. Please do not be like that with me, pray find your heart and do not let your want for money lose you your soul and overcome all your humanity, decency, affection. Especially not your affection for others- it is a rotten altar to sacrificied on.

Please find your heart, I know you still have one somewhere (or like to think you have). You had one at the start, and I don't think the affection you showed me then was feigned......but if you continue doing this to me and are that ready to put me on the scrapheap I'll have to assume it was.....and come to terms with the fact the man I loved (and who I thought loved me and my 'precious heart' to bits, despite the fact he was not 'in love' with me) was not who I thought he was....in which case I'll have to grieve for something that never really existed, for what was a lie on his part and an illusion on mine, grieve for the loss of a man who never existed. I don't want to have to go through this again......I went through it last year already, do I need it again?

I am stronger than you think.....a weaker person would have collapsed under the strain. People often think I must have a lot of tolerance and strength to go through what I've been and still struggle on.....but I have my limits.

I have done my best to be supportive to you through whatever it is....you know I have always been here. I only am a stressful person to be with when you have been nasty to me or just give me no time. You see little of me these days....is it any wonder that when I do see you I have wanted to talk? This has not been nagging but simply stating genuine concerns.

Please don't tell me there is no relationship etc because there has been when it has suited you. You did once refer to me as your girlfriend, even if you don't like using that term now. The fact that my ex treated me like dirt does not make this right two wrongs do not make a right. It strikes me (as you admitted the other day) you say anything it takes just to win. I can't take everything with a pinch of salt when I hardly see you anymore save for when you want something.

You did not 'tell me from the start' it would end like this. You did tell me what your boundaries were and I have not crossed them.

I have helped you, or tried to, in every way I can or have been able to. You seem to despise me simply for doing what you asked me to do. I think it was a mistake of me with that job.....do you think I would have done what I did if I knew this was to be the result? No way. Whatever it meant to you the thing we had was too important in my life to sacrifice for material means, I am not that shallow. I did not think you were.....so please take a step back and think for a moment of the woman you once claimed in a sense to love.

You know I have my hopes and dreams as I always have....but depression ruins my motivation as it does yours. What I have become and what I have let you do is making me depressed. I will be no good to anyone if I continue like this. Please don't say it is my neurosis and nothing to do with you......why do you think I am hurting so badly? It is not 'all in my mind'. I want to know what has happened to the man I used to know and was so fond of. I know he always had his dark side, but it had not completely overtaken him as it has done now.

You have told me I am the only one who has consistently pulled through for you....is this the thanks I get? Have I helped you out only to earn your contempt and hatred? If so then it was a mistake. I gave you your due and more, much more, and in return you spit in my face. I have been giving, giving, and you have been giving me nothing back, just taking. It is not me who emotionally drains you.....my demands have been small. Yours have not been small on me. It feels you want everything from me and wish to give me nothing but pain, terror, loneliness, despair, frustration etc.

Now Mick spoke to you earlier simply because he saw my distress after the way you kept on speaking to me on the phone. I was sincerely worried about you when you said you were having a hard time earlier.....yet you never seem to worry about me. Mick came with me tonight because he seemed more worried about me than you were, and didn't appear to like the fact you neglect me while being supposed to protect me, that's partly why I've been helping you, so you could be there for me. You have not been. At times you seem to take pleasure in hurting me and make horrible jokes at my expense. If the situation truly is as rotten for you as for me why can we not be nice and supportive to each other?

All I've been doing lately has been a stopgap......it is not what I want for the rest of my life and you have known that. It has only meant to be til you and myself get on our feet....but I'll never get on my feet like this. I don't want to remain what you clearly despise me for (and I have come to hate myself for) for much longer.

I do not see men as objects to use for my own gain....but you are so distrustful of women that you think I do see men this way. At times you seem to hate women. Is this why you have, as you admit, use your cut off switch and pulled away from me on purpose when I have shown you genuine warmth and wanted you to open up to me? What have you been afraid of? You have tested my loyalty to the limit, and I've been nothing but true to you. I have done nothing wrong but love you.

I know you were shy when you were young, so was I. I had rejections as you probably did, but it does not make me hate men. But if things continue like this I may do.....and what do you say to your friends to make them hate me? Jimmy never used to speak to me like dirt.....why does he now? What have you said to him? Why must you turn everyone round you against me, while telling me I should see less of my friends? It has felt you like keeping me isolated. If your friends believe me to be something I am not then no wonder they do not want to see me. Please don't say it is my 'persona' - everyone who knows me loves me, the only people who hate me or find me intolerable seem to be you and your twisted mates. He said to me the reason I am alone a lot is because I am a nightmare to be around - this is not true and we both know that, we both know the reasons why I have been alone in this dirthole so many times.

Now I know what misogynists most of you men are I wish I had not obliged your wish for threesomes. Even though it was consensual.....I would not have consented had I known what contempt it would result in. One rule for the boys, another for the girls. It is ok for men to enjoy sex.......yet the fact I am a woman and don't hide the fact I am a sexual being and enjoy it....makes me a 'filthy slut'. It is true I have a masochistic streak, which maybe attracts me to men with an element of misogyny....but I never asked for it to go this far. I may consent to dom sub games and like an element of danger......but I have not consented to all that has gone on, things coming to this wretched stage was not the deal.

At times I feel I am nothing to you but an object of use value. Why can you not accept love and genuine affection? Why must you treat a woman who has committed no crime but to love you and be good to you with such anger and bitterness?

You have been reliant on me lately yet it is me who gets all the grief. If you wanted better for me, truly believe me to be worth better, why do you want me to do what I do still? I know things are desperate......but this does not mean I deserve all this simply because I do what you ask. To help both you and myself.....but I have not benefitted in the slightest lately.

Again.....don't lose your heart.

Love,

me xxx

2 comments:

  1. I almost felt guilty reading this. I'm not sure why. Is it because I've been that guy? Those friends? You? Or am I just a peeping tom caught with his pants down? I expected mindless, incoherent, personal jibberish that this forum tends to encourage, but I read on, line after line.

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  2. You could have been any of us I guess - a mutual friend last night told me he had been both predator and prey. Maybe it could be the misogyny bits - reading stuff like that does make a lot of guys feel guilty - but there's no need to feel guilty just for being a man! It's nice that you enjoy my writing though.

    He did come back this morning and apologised, I accepted it, he said he is stressed due to the money situation etc. I just hope he is sincere and doesn't dismiss it again. He took a few of my issues to hand but did not like the misogyny bits, he does not think much of feminism etc - as you can probably imagine!

    I try not to write gibberish, encouraged or not xx

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