I started this blog because people on a drugs/booze forum got sick of my essays/rants about my bloody existence. Someone suggested I start a blog and I did so, having had blogs before and already being a published writer (I had a go at some straight journalism for a while when in london). Therefore nobody is forced to read this, they can stay or go.
However, I did receive an offer of kindness from one stranger - a guy offered me an escape route out of my current mad situation, which was very sweet. He felt for me and the pain I have been in over the holiday period and the fucked up situation in general I have been in lately. But besides issues of practicality, something keeps me here besides my friends. I will try to explain this....
Sexual dependency can be as strong as chemical dependency, and I have both. The man I am with at present - he was my dealer when we met and took sympathy for me because I was in an abusive relationship........
Deep down he is a decent type and says he is not really a 'bad motherfucker' but 'trys to be'. I ask him why must he even try, why not just be nice. He says for one being nice is not conducive to success in his profession (i.e people ask him for credit, he gives in, which brings trouble to his door) and he will get hurt, robbed, whatever. But selling a bit of C need not bring this - greed for more snow does, and he has greed, one of his downfalls. His love for money and coke at times outweighs his love for my 'precious heart'. I have risked my life and liberty for him and it sometimes is still not enough. He treats me horribly at times but can be so nice, so affectionate when he feels. He accuses me of being with him just for his coke - believe, I could get it elsewhere without the heartache of this troubled chemical romance. He has pushed me too far the last few days - and I made him know it by drawing an analogy he would understand - the man used to sell cars for a living and I asked would he have treated a car this way? He was back to his affectionate self, promised to spend time with me and said he would take me for dinner tomorrow - the second time since we've been seeing each other for nearly six months. He said he loves me for the first time in ages. A relief from a man who earlier had not had the time to address my hurt feelings on the phone because he was watching a TV program about cars.
I can tell you from experience that if you are on the same level with somebody and do enough of it (I've done more coke with him than with any other guy, he gets through that shit fast and I've caught up when we've used together) sex on coke is the best thing in my experience, it makes me as hot as hell. I can't get enough of either, to be blunt. The head rushes, mental orgasms have been nothing like I have ever experienced before in my life, and I swear I have seen what amounted to heaven, I was flying and I am sure he was. Besides, he told me in one of his moments of openess (he admits he cuts himself off at times, builds a wall for his protection, so to speak) that he has felt warmth from snuggling with me than from any other woman, before. This includes the ex wife he has baited me with during his jealousy games, who was supposed to be the love of his life (her being a straighthead he could not sort things out with). I don't believe he lies to me when he does say nice things. I thought earlier that maybe his greed truly had overtaken any love or affection he had for me, and that I meant no more to him than a source of income/property like a car out for hire. I hope I was wrong, I really do. He has been rotten, mean, horrible lately and projected all upon me, despite the fact I persevere
Women stay in troubled relationships for all kinds of reasons, and they are far, far more complex than one assumes. The involvement of cocaine adds to the intensity of it all. As well as causing tensions in relationships it enhances aspects of them, every joy, every strife.
Talking of the kindness of strangers I have precariously relied upon, often to my downfall because strangers are not always kind, I relate to the Blanche DuBois character from the 'Streetcar Named Desire' movie, and so does my rock heroine Courtney Love. I have ridden that car and it has led me at times to Hades (Blanche's destination). I relate well to the attraction/repulsion between Blanche and Stanley. Stanley was a brute and a violent one.
Total brutes do not do it for me. My man had a new buddy a few months back who was of this nature.....a total brute and a semi sociopath, violent, criminal, who had been involved in gun related violence and bragged that he had killed before. He beats women, wields knifes at them even. His ex girlfriend is now a good friend of mine. This nasty dude had it in for me for befriending her, and also for failing to treat his 'best mate' (my boyfriend) with enough 'respect' (i.e only speak when spoken to, grovel etc). Our relationship became more tense since he befriended this guy, who was very demanding of his time, attention, and coke. He induced a fit of paranoia in my man that I was 'using him for his coke'.
However, the brutishness of this guy rubbed off on my man, who despite everything can be very sweet and gentle. Whenever this friend/fiend was present he spoke to me like dirt and got off on a big male ego trip, especially when having done a lot of C. A lot of things went wrong since the entrance of this guy.
Yet my own bf has an element of this in him, it must be there for drugs or company to bring it out. I cannot define it but something about it attracts me and repels me at the same time. I am submissive in my sexuality and I like a man who can take control, but this does not mean I want a total brute who treats women like scum and treats them as objects like cars. I need a balance, and sadly there have been times I miss the kind man I knew in the summer, who helped me leave a nasty abusive situation with a guy I had nothing in common with. This is because I have seen less of him lately, I want to see more of him and a bit less of the 'brute', to use Blanche's term. And all this cannot be blamed on chemicals - drugs do not make men nasty, misogynistic, aggressive etc. It must be there for booze or drugs (or bad male company) to bring out.
He has associated for a while with violent men who I have no desire to meet, dangerous guys into guns and violence etc - due to his greed for more money, more C etc. But he has not normally hung with these types as often as he has with this guy........He sees less of him now. Each time he sees this guy his treatment of me deteriorates, so I really hope he does keep him at a distance. For his own sake as well as mine. He thought employing this man as a heavy would be a good thing...it has not been for either of us. More trouble than it is worth.
Ask why I continue....only those who have been there will fully understand.