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Thursday, 7 January 2010

Just you try to shut me up....

Now people I know, most often men, ask me to stop talking because I go on so and I stress them, as they have their own issues etc being troubled men, mad or addicted or both normally.

Well, face it, men do not like mouthy women and I have one big gob on me. I write like I talk. People reading this do not have to read each post incessantly, they have the option of opening another window. People in my company do not have this option - all they can do is ask me, politely or not so politely, to shut the fuck up. Hence there are two sides to each story.

Looking at my posts, do you imagine me to be an easy person to live with? And please do not assume it is 'the drugs' - a friend of mine, a posh twat, made that mistake once. I put her right and made it clear I was mad, madder, before I ever touched drugs. If anything I am worse without them - I am a loon, pure and simple. The use of drugs has partly been self medication. Even when I have not been on hard stuff, I have been addicted to prescription meds. I have been an addict for 17 years, nearly half my life, uppers or downers or both. I have reached resignation and realised I can never be straight or 'normal', totally - although I would like things ideally to be closer to normality than they have been recently. I've had the odd sober, relaxed evening with my partner but they have been the exception rather than the norm.

And that man doesn't always realise. Cannabis use relaxes him when he has no damned coke - it does the opposite with me. I could go onto an angry rant here as I am in the mood - but I'll leave my history and issues with that shit til later. Fact is smoking a spliff makes me more tense, paranoid etc as well as zonking me. I receive from it the negative effects of both uppers and downers - without the benefits of either. The only thing that works for me is the use of benzodiazepines - which my local doctor has so far refused me, not being one to give pills out to junkies. He is reluctant full stop to dish them - but when I last saw him I was in bits, complained of both depression and a cocaine habit. He gave me some anti depressants that made me feel worse, not better. I will make him give me diazepam. I'll say his stupid pills did sweet FA and made me feel ill, worse, not better, and I still sniff loads of coke. I'll say that diazepam is the only thing that works, and if he does not want me remaining a criminal he'd better give - or my excessive coke use will continue til it gets me in even deeper shit. He knows my history so he fucking should. I know smackheads who have found the right doc, get scripts and flog them in return for money to score junk - that is not me. When I get meds I use them, I don't flog them to buy coke or smack. I am not one who abuses the system - and it is not right that people who do abuse get the goods and a genuine case like me does not.

If I don't have coke and cannot obtain benzos to calm down with or stop feeling ill I just drink alcohol or use some form of opiate (not heroin but codeine or methadone, it's all that works when there is nothing else - and even then it is neglible). Without coke or benzos even alcohol or opiates don't work properly, so even that is shit. I have it harder than him in many ways.

I live in a dirthole - which his mates help turn into one - while him and his sniffing pal have a brand new pad. I cannot live there because I am a nagging bitch who 'does their heads in' from talking too much. I do a lot of work - I've saved his arse a few times and given him money to rescore by doing what I must. I am supposed to be 'chilled' and calm him while he is a 'ball of stress'. I am meant to shut up while allowing his mates to talk crap - because they are men. I get paranoid in this dirthole which he says has a 'bad feel' due to all that's happened here - a lot of which is down to him and his cokehead pals and the havoc created by them. This place has been a stash spot as well as a one woman brothel. His psycho mate had his gf evicted and I have put her up as a friend - her belongings are here when she had nowhere else to take them and nowhere else to go. We look out for each other as friends due to the men in our lives. But is it any wonder there is a bad feel in this apartment - old and in bad condition when I moved in and the previous tenants were heroin dealers. The neighbours are used to this place being associated with Class A drugs - hell, maybe having cocaine on your doorstep rather than heroin is a step up!

I told him last night and more tonight - I cannot be a martyr, and at least he knows that now. He listens eventually - maybe I blab on so cos I get sick of men never hearing me or refusing to listen because their heads are too far where the sun will never shine, especially after doing too much coke.

This whole thing looks to my friends to be one way - it looks like I am letting a man take the living piss out of me. I know. They say not only have I been his best customer or one of the best (along with his psycho knife wielding clockwork orange mate) but I also let him use my place as a stash spot and let him act essentially as my pimp.

I know how it looks. But what they forget is that there are two sides to this - as my friend (Mr psycho's ex) noticed while I was talking and she's been the only one who seems to understand having had simliliar trouble with men ( a 'co-dependant' or a 'woman who loves too much') in 12 step, 'recovery' movement rhetoric. I can be a nightmare, a pain to live with. I am a loon and I know. I am one mouthy many men could deal with a headcase like me? Do all men want a drug addict for a partner? Ok, so me and him are both addicts and have the associated problems with not only addiction but the specific drugs we use. I am not saying being a crazy drug fiend means I deserve abuse ....and I do not allow abuse. Being a generous person I share if I am in a relationship. To be fair if I had a boyfriend who shagged other women to support his habit it would do my head in at times, and I might accept some genorousity, you see? What is not right is when men take the piss, act like nasty brutal pimps and demand a 'cut' as it's their entitlement or right. I would rather do what I did with a man around for support than alone....I've worked independent in that work and it is a lonely place, it sucks and it is less safe. Men are meant to be in that industry for protection and support, least that is how I see it. If I want to pay a 'pimp' it is for protection and support - and I'd only ever dream of working like that with a man if he were my partner anyway. Hence, I want something back. He does not coerce me to do what I do - if I want drugs or money I'd do it whatever. He may take the piss at times.....but hell he is a drug addict and men on drugs (and women) do take the piss and sponge at times, no matter what you do for a living. I've taken the piss without meaning to out of friends and family, so has every fiend. I've never stolen money off anyone for drugs but have blagged and borrowed etc. Not all junkies steal and neither I nor he has.........We just manipulate a bit and blag as do all. Nature of the beast. I've had junkies steal off me (crack cocaine or heroin addicts mostly, not snorters) but I still don't put it down to the drugs just the people.....they could never have had scruples. I have had and still do so I don't steal off my mates. Not saying manipulating or lying to obtain money for drugs makes me is a shameful thing to admit. But at least I can.

I've told my man a bit about how I feel and he has been listening.....last night he knew he'd pushed me too far and he knew he had tonight as well. I love him to bits and he says he loves me to bits.....although it is not the same as him being here (I hate sleeping alone when it is cold) it is at least a comfort to know you are loved, even if it is a bit of a sick chemical fuelled romance (as we both know). He says he does not like coke fuelled relationships - an often excuse for him being a motherfucker- well neither do I normally either. He chose to go out with me though, and I with him. If we hated it so much we would not see each other, clearly he has chosen someone to share his little white hell. And like me, I clearly chose my hell - there is always choice behind substance abuse as a way of dealing with things. Flakes like us cannot always handle the consequences of our choices and prohibition makes our lives harder - but it is our problem and one we were never ignorant of. I chose to hook up with a man with a big coke habit and have a great honeymoon in the summer with 'white light white heat' - now I am paying the price. Fuck, at least we have a sex life. I had a 'relationship' with a heroin addict once who could not even get it up and we never had sex even once - at least men on coke have a sex drive, they just have trouble performing at times!

This blog is a safe place for me to write about being a junkie - I am more besides what I stick up my nose, my literature and music mean as much to me as do the drugs and men in my life. Love them all to bits - or they eat me up! xxxx


  1. Hi Snow
    Just a thought, Why don't you edit some of the expleteives out of the posts.

    Copy it and send it to the Content editor of the Guardian.

    The reason I thought of this was I saw a Documentary on BBC4 about Diarists, they had one double murderer writing from prison who has since become a Journalist.

    The quality of your writing is up there.

    I can't think of anything much more controversial.

  2. I actually did a little bit of journalism - see what you mean about the cursing though lol. Journalism is something I've thought of but it's hard to get into. I think I know the guy you mean, I have a few books of his columns from jail if it is the same one - trying to recall the name.

    I could never publish this under my actual name though! I will give it a try - none of the men featured read the Guardian. However, they'd like the idea of the money as you can imagine by the sound of these dudes. There was an idea that I ghost write one of the stories of my man's friends - about a life of crime in London. Was thinking of doing psycho's too prior to the fall out. But I got my tales....typically these guys often assume what men to say is more important. Fk em!

    Thx for the compliment, I'm glad you are following and enjoying my little rants.