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Friday, 8 January 2010

How Low, How Low.....

Oh god, fuck this. For the first time I did something yesterday - I kept money back from someone so as not to leave myself broke. Had one appointment in the morning - £90 off an old guy. Told my man I only had £60- he said I should charge more. He asked what I could give him because he was short of money to score more coke and this dealer, one violent dangerous mf (a friend of psycho) was in his car outside giving him a lift here. I got paranoid as this man asked if my friend was here (psycho's ex). He assured him she wasn't - but I freaked. What if one day this evil mfs decide that they have enough of my man and fall out with him? Another violent, dangerous crim knows where I live and knows I am the 'bitch' of a man who sometimes owes him money and might get on the wrong side of him. It is not unheard of - getting at men through damaging their property - be it their apartment, car - their women. These guys do see women as property, expendable, put on the scrap when their sell by date is up. Pls hon, keep your soul xxx

It gets worse - he owed this guy money for credit. The £50 I gave him - partly off the Xmas debt, part commission, was towards paying him off so he could score more coke - what we both wanted. The deal did not happen, the dude's mate could not get here due to the weather and will not be able to til Monday. My man has no money now The money I do earn ends up in the pockets of organised violent gun toting crims who I hate, thanks to our habits and prohibition. Fk them all, cops and organised crims can go rot, who live out of each others pockets anyway and make people like us pay.

Called him earlier - I asked what he was doing - I did 'not want to know'. I was called neurotic earlier for expressing genuine fear of the mfs he associates with - and said if I don't like it I can stop hanging out with him. I should try to take him up on that offer and see if he really will take so casually the loss of a source of income as well as support, and everything else. Being taken for granted is crap.

The weather means the phone is dead, especially at a weekend. I feel like shit, I really do. Hopefully my friends will pull through with some benzodiazepines to stop me feeling edgy, worried run down, etc. Then I will take a walk and hopefully something should give. I may get someone to sit in the front room so I at least feel safer - the cold and the quiet are freaking me. I don't cry very often but I am now.

I am supposed to obtain £140 from somewhere, or at least a decent figure, preferably by tomorrow. There will by no C til I do. And I will get grief of some variety. There are many methods to obtain what one wants or needs from me save for open extortion - if I am low enough to play this stupid game or go along with it for the sake of a man's bloody ego trip and for drugs. The withholding of affection, sex, time, decency itself will suffice. The joke of this is - I normally see myself as a reasonably independent woman and am well read, with a lot of feminist theory books on my shelf! Yet when I am into someone I take a lot of shit. The involvement of powder, the added ingredient turns all this up. I hate having let myself be reduced to a dependent wreck like this and feeling I am no more than a piece of property, chattel, God knows why I've let this happen. Was it because I had just come out of an abusive relationship after two years on my own?

Don't blame the drugs for the fact I feel close to despair right now, blame me or my head state. I don't get addicted to anything unless there are underlying issues. If my life had not become such a mess I would not feel the need to constantly escape from it. At times I wish all this was a bad dream I could escape from, that I'd wake and it would be summer here again, when I was relatively happy, high etc and someone treated me with kindness, affection and generousity.

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