If you see heaven you must see hell. Where there is light, there is also darkness.
Although I don't want to go all mystical, there is truth in this statement. Anyone who has been involved with the use of uppers and downers will relate somewhat, although it is more true for me about uppers. Downers have given me a few interesting experiences, but I've never quite had that mental state of 'flying' the level where you feel on a higher plane and at one with everything, and on top of the world. With the addition of sex it is even better. Sniffing alone, without either dancing or screwing, has left me frustrated at times. If I don't get too high I can play guitar, as coke can work as a performance enhancer. But if I am inebriated enough I just want to dance or shag, preferrably the latter. I can always write my drug fuelled rants, or chat to someone, but it's not the same. Been left frustrated before due to men being unable to perform, as over consumption can have the reverse effect at times on men, leaving them not only with erectile dysfunction but also with a libido that goes up and down (like their members). I don't mean to sound crude, just frank. Been in the state before where I just talk and talk (which may be annoying to a partner, but that is not the same as inability or not wanting to perform. In nightclubs I've had to restrain myself from the urge to do something crazy like stripping off in the middle of the dancefloor. I got a bit dirty poledancing in a gay club the other week (knowing I could get away with it there).
Downers usually decrease rather than increase people's sex drives. Hence the term 'coke/crack whore' or 'coke tart' is far more common than the use of the term 'smack whore' -virtually non existent.
I can honestly say I do not regret everything. I have had wonderful, great, amazing experiences with drugs that I am glad to have experienced, and they have given me a different perception on things which I feel I've gained from. This may well be why the horrible experiences I have had with them still do not put me off. The benefits of the highs must on some level outweigh the disadvantages of the lows when one does what I do - or I would not wish to continue. And the thing is I do not want to stop. I just long to be able to use for the sake of enjoyment as I did earlier last year, I don't want to be dependent on a substance as a crutch. The bad experiences and the good will both be recounted here, on top of what I have said already. Seeing as the purpose of this blog is not to encourage or discourage the use of drugs - on that point I am neutral and believe in letting people do as they will. I am here just to talk of my experiences and perceptions.
4 years ago